Mr Computer Cleaner Ch. 06

"Yes we do. For old time's sake let's slip down to the farmhouse after work and have a drink with her, if she's 'visiting'.

"I'd like to do that. You know, you flit from being a tease, to a business man to a sensitive man with such ease. I know I have said that before, but it continues to amaze me."

"Mum was a free spirit, and I inherited that from her. That's what I am – a free spirit."

Dio responded to three call-outs to people wanting help from Mr Computer Cleaner and then dropped in on to an earlier client, Hackett Schmidt, who'd made and painted Dio's much admired lockup box on the back of the ute.

Hackett was sitting on the front porch reading as Dio did a u-turn and stopped outside the gate.

"Good man, you've dropped in to say hello. I've got a couple of bottles of German beer in the fridge."

"Thank you but no, Hackett. I invite you to lock up and jump in behind the wheel. You may as well flick her around the block a couple of times while we chat."

They took off under heavy acceleration.

"Well boy, what is it. I don't do abortions you know. I've seen you driving around a couple of times with a school girl perhaps?"

"She's twenty and wants to marry me."

"Oh, then want advice about the unwanted pregnancy?"

"That's in your mind – watch that old lady!"

"It's Mrs Absalom. If I bowled her I would be the hero of the street as the SPCA would then be called in to remove her twenty-three cats."

"Twenty-three cats? Nobody has twenty-three cats."

"Mrs Absalom does."

"Hackett, the work you did on my tool box is the work of a craftsman. I have inherited an early 1950s MG sports car that needs a complete rebuild. I'm inquiring to see if you would like to take charge of the restoration. I would pay you."

Hackett chopped back into third gear and hurled the ute through a corner as he yelled, "Yippee!" The ute was drifting out towards the centre of the road in danger of colliding with a huge truck and trailer loaded with concrete pipes.

"Hackett..." was all that Dio managed to say, his throat suddenly dry and constricted.

Hackett slung the gear-shift into second and floored the gas pedal. Blue smoke came from the ute's driving wheels as the tires gripped and then spun under heavy acceleration. The truck driver pulled the cord of his klaxon-like air-horns but by the time the vehicles were alongside each other Hackett had the ute well back into his lane and was waving cheerily at the unimpressed truck driver.

"Nice driving," Dio said, concealing the shake in his voice. Actually, he was very impressed. "Hackett, we are in a restricted speed area and there are kids on the street."

"Ah, yes. Quite right," said Hackett wistfully, easing off the accelerator. "Tell you what, young man. The answers is yes, and I've got a retired fitter and turner with his own workshop and a retired car racing mechanic in mind to help me with this project. The conditions are: No interference, no payment, you pay all costs and get everything we need and you open an account for me at the corner bakery so I can get morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea each day for me and my helpers."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"Good. We have a deal. I'll get the vehicle delivered. A handbook and a reconstruction guide from an MG restoration group are already on their way from England."

"Well," said Hackett. "This suits me fine. I no longer fancy myself with women and was wondering what I could do as an alternative project, and along comes you, my boy. Well done! Leave your phone number with me. I shall give you a call as soon as I've cleaned out the garage. That shall take me no longer than three days."

Dio walked with Hackett to the gate.

"I'm very grateful as I know the project will be in good hands."

"Yes, yes. Save that fancy talk for your school girl. Just saying thank you is quite sufficient. Dio – thank you; I'm gonna love this project."

* * *

Dio knew enough that weddings don't just happen, that there was much organizing to do. Someone had to be in charge and in this case Carmen had appointed herself to that role. Luckily she possessed the necessary requirements with one exception: she lacked an even temperament but that had to be overlooked. It was mainly her husband's money involved, anyway.

As Wedding Day drew nearer the steaming agitation within Carmen began to surface. Cal began talking about shifting out to a caravan at his business site and many of their friends stopped dropping around for a chat and drink. Even Carra and Dio did not escape. What used to be telephone calls from Carmen sweetly inviting them over for a swim in the pool, or a meal disappeared. Instead it was Cal on the phone announcing nervously: you'd better come quick, she wants you. The sweet invitations had become commands issued through her minion.

Dio became nervous, anxiously watching Carra for signs of succumbing to the 'mother-effect' like some creeping malaise. They discussed the situation regularly – it being Dio's view that Carmen placed a lot of pressure on herself unnecessarily. Carmen was a perfectionist, so pressure was built into her entire approach.

Carra introduced another possible element. "She'll still go to see that creep on his horse ranch – always on Wednesday and Friday afternoons. I bet that's when his wife goes to bridge."

The first time she'd risen that assumption, Dio had suggested that bridge afternoons could just as easily be Tuesdays and Thursdays. He was told, quite impolitely really, to go and wash his ute.

"The increasing anxiety is underpinned by mama's guilt of her infidelity," opined Carra.

Dio wisely remained mute.

To thwart the possibility of pressure oozing through to Carra, Dio began massaging the back of her neck. Soon she wanted him to go down lower and do her shoulders, then along her spine. Before long he found this had become a necessary daily routine but was unable to abandon the practice because invariably it led to something they both rather enjoyed.

The naivety of Dio about wedding planning was revealed in a single incident. In his ignorance he assumed that one simply would order a cake for the wedding and that was that. But no, a series of discussions between mother and daughter eventuated. Instead of a round cake, white icing with a mixed dried fruit core, this cake was conceptually created with all the care of the architects and artists of the Sistine Chapel.

Gradually it evolved with decisions being finalized.

Finalized?

The cake would be round.

White icing – the icing would be white. The decision on that came quickly.

It would be four tiers, no two, no three and then, why have tiers? Further discussion on that impasse was deferred because Carmen left the room crying, unable to accept the enormity of her daughter's suggestion of having a single layer wedding cake.

More tears followed – on both sides – when the two women resumed negotiations on cake issues.

Cal took Dio to golf. Dio didn't play but Cal had said something about spending time on the practice nineteenth, which to Dio sounded promising because he'd heard some of his mates talking about boisterous times in the nineteenth on Saturday – and this was Saturday afternoon.

The 'golfers' arrived home at 7:30 and the house was in darkness. They found Carmen asleep on her bed and Carra asleep in her bed, cuddling an old doll.

The men tiptoed from the bedrooms.

"The poor things, tired after reaching full agreement on one of the great issues facing the Western World today," sniggered Dio, pulling two cans of beer out of the cocktail cabinet mini fridge as Cal had requested.

"Oh shit!" Cal exclaimed.

"What's wrong?"

"This," said Cal, holding up pieces of a torn photograph.

"What is it?"

"A photograph of our wedding cake. They must have advanced to cake decoration and Carmen would have said she wanted the decoration like she had on her cake and Carra would have had a different opinion. The tears would have flowed, Carmen would have lost it and torn up the photograph and they then would have gone to their respective bedrooms, slamming the door."

"That seems to be a credible replay of events."

"Believe me it is, mate; it comes from years of witnessing similar replays."

"What do we do now?"

"We keep our mouths shut and we make dinner. They will emerge, ravenous and pretending nothing untoward has happened. Believe me mate, I've seen it before; many times."

Eventually there was finality – a white-iced four-tiered cake of agreed dimensions, round tiers simply decorated, and recipe number four on the cake-maker's list of mixes. Only one late change was made before cake-making began: three layers plus a test sample.

The four of them went to the lake cottage on Friday evening for an 'almost there' overnighter as soon as the cake was finished, taking the test sample with them.

At lunch on the lawn, with neighbors Alec and Melissa Simpson being invited to join them, they had a smoke trout salad, French bread and bottles of Spanish sparking wine.

The cake was then tasted, passing the test. Everyone was overly complimentary and Carmen basked in the praise. The conversation turned fully on to the wedding so the men departed quietly, the women noting this rude behavior with silent approval.

"I thought the cake was a bit dry," commented Alec Simpson, twisting the caps off three bottles of beer.

"Nah, too moist," Dio decreed.

"About right," said Cal.

"Cheers!"

"Nicely done with our opinions," Cal said warmly. "When Carmen bails me up to ask me what we guys really thought of the cake I'll tell her what we've just said. One of us is bound to be right."

They laughed uproariously.

"Listen to those men – telling filthy jokes again," laughed Melissa. "Listen to this one – a fishing client told it to Alec last week..."

On Sunday evening, with the wedding only a fortnight away, Carmen called a family conference, to be launched at dinner.

"Another crisis?" Dio asked.

"No, I think this one will be the biggie. If it is you've got to promise me that you won't wind mama up. I mean it Dio!"

"Okay, I promise."

"We also don't want you two men drinking too much before dinner. It tends to make you two to regard everything as being inconsequential. You both will be required to listen very carefully."

"Bloody compulsory conference for delinquent adults – all male," Dio mumbled, painfully kicking his toe on the door jam as he left the kitchen.

"What was that – I heard that!" Carra shouted, causing Dio to grin. He'd come to learn it meant the exact opposite. She hadn't heard a thing and any moment she'd appear beside him to wheedle it out of him. She couldn't bear to miss his muttering. She'd always say afterwards, "In case they were intelligent comments."

There was a rustle and Carra appeared beside him, put her arm around him and squeezed. "I didn't quite catch that; you were saying...?"

"Yes, the meeting sounds important. Cut back on the booze and listen attentively," Dio lied.

"Oh darling. How cooperative. You deserve something nice. I know, I shall make apple pie for desert."

It sometimes pays to lie, Dio thought, thanking Carra for being so kind.

"Hi guys," Dio's half-sister Bess called as she came through the gate and on to the porch; another lovely day in paradise?"

"Sure is," Carra responded. "I love a warm, fine spring."

"You're looking a little stressed Bess," Dio observed, hitting bull's-eye.

"Yeah, well. You know how it is."

After that puzzling response, Bess looked at Carra.

"There's something you should know. Rod's been told by your father that he's considering him for a manager's position as he's made an excellent impression. When Rod told me that he laughed and said that your father is under the impression that Rod had managed his own business with five cranes, rather than being a one crane owner-driver."

Dio looked at Carra. Her face was scarlet. Obviously he'd told her father what Rod had told her after indicating she would not do that!

Apparently Bess was unaware of what Rod had told Carra because she added: "I don't know who has spread that misinformation – probably one of Rod's workmates. Rod really isn't a con-man, but he does find no difficulty in exaggerating. He's a great worker, and a leader of men, I'll grant you that, but a manager? Oh no, he is not a paperwork person."

Carra assured Bess it would be all right as her father would not make such a decision lightly.

Bess looked relieved.

"I want to ask you guys over to dinner tomorrow night. Now, back to that other matter – I wonder Carra if you could have a quite word in you father's ear about Rod, something to sound a note of warning."

"Should I tell daddy outright that Rod's a Walter Mitty?"

"Cripes no; being that blunt might cause you father to fire him; shat wife in her right mind you want to be responsible for indirectly leading to the sacking of her husband?"

"Right," Carra said thoughtfully. When I talk to mama later today I'll mention that we are going to your place for dinner tomorrow night. Actually, she's really keen to meet you. She's certain to tell daddy and when I see him he'll ask how the dinner was. That will give me the chance to casually mention that Rod's a one-crane man. In fact, I could suggest to mama that she invites you over for a barbecue with us, and we could arrive late."

Dio shook his head in awe, knowing Rod had told him he'd owned five cranes. Further, an embarrassing situation was in the process of being expertly defused by some nimble minded conversations, with absolutely no need for anyone to apologize or admit they'd spoken out of school.

"You're incredible Carra" he said, meaning devious. But it was not interpreted that way.

"Oh, am I darling," Carra responded, obviously pleased.

"What a nice thing to say, Dio," said Bess, also looking pleased.

"I've asked another couple for dinner tomorrow night. I have secured a temporary position in a private school and met this lovely lady who heads the junior school. I've since found out she's married to a man who's been giving me some investment advice. I am sure you'll like them."

"We do," Dio said.

"Silly, you haven't been introduced to them yet," laughed Bess, and they began talking about other things while Carra popped into the kitchen to made tea.

Carra had twigged to what Dio was on about – the other couple going by Bess's comments could be none other than Philip and Ella Battersby, he thought. Fancy being able to work that out without being told the names of the couple! After Bess had left Dio said, "Oh, I forget to tell her I know the names of her other guests."

"Me too," said Carra.

"You've worked it out?"

"I'm not just a pretty face, Dio Amazon Wellington."

He turned red.

"How did you find out? I hate that name!"

"I think it's great – fancy having a husband named after a famous Greek botanist and the world's greatest botanical garden. I found out by picking up a book that you may never have touched. It's your mother's bible and she's got some notes and names about your family history, including why she called you those names. Her hope was that you would become the greatest botanist the world has known."

"Truly?"

"Yes. One evening when we are quiet and peaceful – which is rare, I know – I shall read you what she has written. It may surprise you as she also writes about herself.

"Golly."

"Yes golly, Dio. Now that's a word I've never heard you use or anyone else for that matter in a great many years. How quaint."

"Mum used it. She said her father used it a lot."

"Ah, you do know a little of you family history. Tell me more."

* * *

On Sunday evening both Carra noticed that although Carmen appeared to be calm, her eyes were distinctly hooded. Carra set out to find if the upset involved a solvable problem. "It's that father of yours," Carmen snapped. "I asked him to lay off the liquor tonight except just for a social drink and he said he'll decide when and what and how much liquor he would drink. He'd just come home from golf, of course, where he'd been drinking. He said if Dio set the pace then he'd be obliged to keep up with him."

"Oh, that's all right, mama. Dio will be only having two or certainly no more than three drinks."

"How can you be so confident about that?"

"Because he promised me."

"But men will promise a woman the world to get what they want?"

"We're talking about drinking, mama. If you must know, when Dio promises it is a promise. He is very particular about that."

"My goodness, he's got morals – or at least one. I am impressed. Perhaps some of that will rub off on your father?"

"Your problem, mama is that you expect daddy to lie to you and he knows that. You will both need reprogramming for that to change."

"Goodness, my darling. You sound so mature. I'm beginning to think that Dio is having a good influence on you."

"And I on him, mama. Our mothers taught us good."

"That's not grammatical, darling. It should be said, our mothers taught us well."

"I was expressing myself as an ignorant person, mother, and indicating humility."

"Good gracious, you are becoming profound and playful with language. Is this another Dio influence?"

"Yes, mama. Dio can be a nightmare to follow, especially when he's teasing or winding one up or purposely wants to be obscure or fires double innuendoes which he does rather a lot. I think his mother must have been a real live-wire, and cheeky."

"Men seem to like women who are like that and easy with their favors."

"Quite, I suppose. In this home almost everything we discussed and the thoughts we each expressed were almost predicable. It was because we rarely deviated from the straight and narrow, linguistically speaking. Perhaps that was because English was your second language and daddy's was Australian workshop English. However, we did have some totally unstable times when you had one of your paddies."

"Me," smiled Carmen, placing a hand dramatically on her breastbone like an old-time actress. How can my daughter say that I lose my – how do you say – my cool? I am one of the calmest women alive."

"Mama, it's Sunday, and you are lying."

"No my dear, those were mere words, mere words. We best return to the other room before those men drink the liquor cabinet dry."

They joined the men who were chatting at the dining table. Both were drinking water. They looked up and smiled, Dio noticing the hoods over Carmen's eyes had retracted.

As the meal progressed Carmen said she wanted to talk about protocol in respect of her mother.

"Mama's family is linked multiply to lines of Spanish families of noble birth and her direct descendents settled on Las Pampas in 1827. Mama, like her mother and her mother's mother, had a hard life in a hard man's world and adapted according. I say this with pride; mama is the only woman on this earth who I fear."

Carmen afraid of someone? Dio looked at Carra to wink at her but she was staring at her mother, eyes dark and moist.

"One day my mother met this engineer, grandson of a British railwayman who'd came to help build up the country's railway system and like so many of them, stayed on. They were guests at a wedding and there was a clash a minds. My mama, Dolores Rodriguez, told this man, Oliver Leighton, to apologize, but he refused.

Although this was the first time any man had stood up to mama, she was displeased and sent for her cousin across the floor to teach this impudent man a lesson. The cousin was knocked unconscious by Oliver before landing even one blow. This Oliver Leighton walked over to my mama, seized her and kissed her. He sat down beside her and her mama and papa watched this occur without a word. Neither mama nor this Oliver uttered a word, and she slowly sat down. Mama had just realized that she had at last met a man that she would marry."