Mr. Irresistible

"Well," I said confused, "That seems pretty fucking stupid. Why'd you bother giving me this if I was set up to fail?" I closed my eyes and laid my head back, honestly exhausted. After a moment of silence, I looked over and saw the Pimp-fairy looking at me. He had a warm smile about him, and looked so genuine that I almost forgot how full of shit he really was.

"Cameron, as I told you before all this started, you're an extraordinary young man. You have a love for women above and beyond that of the average man. You just had your priorities all mixed up." I stared blankly at him

"Prioritites?" I asked. "Can you elaborate?"

"Look Cam, you're a smart kid, so I'm just going to lay this on the table. You found a girl you like right?"

"Several actually," I replied. The Pimp Fairy stared at me.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." True enough, I did.

"Yeah," I said regretfully, "Cara is amazing, but after my dick didn't fit I just…"

"Whoa whoa there cowboy. You bailed on this girl cuz you're dick didn't fit?"

"Well……I mean, all that shit you told me about finding the pussy that fits and my true love and whatever…" The Pimp Fairy started chuckling. "That is what you said, right?" The Pimp Fairy was laughing heartily now, his whole body jiggling. I felt a legendary rage start to bubble up deep within me. "THAT IS WHAT YOU SAID, RIGHT!" The Pimp Fairy tried to stop laughing to speak.

"Cam, what kind of a pussy is going to fit a 12-inch cock?" He started belly laughing again. "Pornstars and crackwhores generally don't make good true-loves. Shit.."

"You mother fucker!" I half yelled, the afore-mentioned legendary rage reaching my head and spilling out of my mouth. "You….you….motherfucker!" Ever get really angry and start to feel like a retard because you can't think of anything to say? Legendary rage completely destroys the ability to formulate sentences. "You…..you…"

"Look Cameron," the Pimp Fairy said, still chuckling slightly, "Most people get this early on but you are the youngest recipient in a long time, so I'll take it easy on you. The whole "pussy that fits" thing, while being a comedic throwback to Cinderella, is simply a lesson to teach you one thing." My fists started to unclench as my rage downshifted from "Legendary" to "Formidable."

"And?"

"Simply put Cam, it isn't all about sex."

"What isn't?"

"Everything."

"…" I replied.

"Look man, you like this girl and she likes you. Most people would simply say "Fuck the Pimp Fairy" and end up happy. So don't get pissed off at me just cuz you felt like poking another girl again. That was your own damn fault." I felt like I was on candid camera. I could hear the laugh track in my head.

"So basically, it's like John Lennon said, "All you need is love?""

"Who's John Lennon?"

"A Beatle."

"A beetle?"

"No dude, a Beatle…with an 'A'…fuck it" While this conclusion seemed sensible, I wasn't really buying it. "So let me get this straight, you give me the power to have as much sex as I can handle simply to teach me that "It's not all about sex?" Does that make any sense to you?

"Look Cam," he seemed a little frustrated, "The author is simply trying to include a little morality in an otherwise frivolous story. Plus, he can't figure out how else to end the damn thing. Would you just roll with it?"

"Fair enough," I said, "But now I'm totally fucked with Cara, how do I fix this?"

"That," the Pimp Fairy said, rising to his feet, "I leave to you." He stretched out his arms before picking up his cane. "And now, I really must be going. Good luck with everything Cameron, snoochie booches." With that, he snapped his fingers and disappeared in a puff of green smoke. Snoochie booches indeed.

***

There are worse things in life than a bad acid trip, but at the moment, I was hard-pressed to think of one. I awoke to someone gently slapping me in the face.

"Ian," said a familiar voice. "Ian, are you OK?" I opened my eyes and saw Cam's sister perched over me, and "I told you so" look on her face. Her dark eyes looked more amused than concerned, and her ruby lips were curled into a smirk. Her skin was very tan and smooth, and the small diamonds that twinkled in her earlobes glinted underneath her long aubern hair. I immediately realized the drugs were still in strong effect, as her beautiful hair seemed to be floating and rippling through the air.

"No," I replied honestly, "Definitely not OK." Her expression turned quizzical.

"What happened to your shirt?" I managed to lift my head enough to look down at my body and, sure enough, my shirt was gone and, in it's place was a giant smiley face drawn with a black magic marker, my nipples filled in black. "I love cock," was written down my left arm and on my right, of course, was an incredibly detailed picture of said cock, complete with three drips at the end. I looked back at Sarah, her lips in a smile, but kind of rippling like water.

"There is a giant penis on my forehead, isn't there? She started to laugh and helped me to my feet.

***

My forehead was red and burned like hell by the time I managed to scrub that bitch off, but it served me right for passing out at a party. I knew the consequences only too well. I also scrubbed off my arms, with much difficulty I might add, as I appeared to have 7 fingers and felt quite ill, but figured I'd leave the smiley face on my chest. In some twisted, drug-induced way, I kinda liked it.

"Where'd everyone go?" I asked wearily, stumbling back from the bathroom. Cam's house was trashed. Red Dixie cups lied practically everywhere and purple salamanders were swimming through the carpet….what the hell?

"All your boys went home already," Sarah said, coming in from outside and sliding the glass door shut behind her. Her white skirt wrapped snugly over her thin waist and enormous tits, way too big for a tenth-grader, and outlined her luscious heart-shaped ass, virtually perfected by 6 years of tennis. Her ass was the best one at school, in my opinion, and to Cam's dismay, this year's edition of "White Prairie's Top 40 Bitches," created in secrecy by the seniors agreed with me. Strange, my feet seemed to melting into the floor and I felt like I was getting shorter…and dizzier.

"What…the…fuck…" I slurred under my breath and gripped the wall to balance myself.

"And what girls are left are all up In Cameron's room, doing God knows what."

"Makes sense…" I muttered and looked up to find her standing in front of me, offering me a beer. I almost puked all over her. "No fuckin way," I said, and waved off the beer. She took a sip of it herself and looked at me puzzled.

"Why does that make sense?" She took another gulp and looked at me earnestly. "Are you alright?" I was staring at her aghast because her head was now double its size and growing like a balloon.

"Fine," I answered quickly and immediately started walking across the carpet awkwardly, trying to shake the horrible images out of my head.

"Then why does that make sense? My friends were all asking questions about him tonight…really weird." I sat down on the couch and gripped my head with my hands, feigning "exhaustion" as opposed to "tripping balls." She walked over and sat on the coffee table immediately opposite me and leaned forward. "You're his friend Ian. Why has he been so strange the last few days." I didn't even comprehend what she said, as I was transfixed on her cleavage. Her large perfect breasts were pulled tight against her body and her tan skin seemed to glow against the white dress. The cleft between her lovely tits disappeared under her shirt. "…and did he say anything to you about getting hit by a Buick?"

"I know nothing," I lied, and she knew it. As I lay back on the couch, her penetrating stare turned into a grin.

"You know something," she said, and stood up in front of me. Sarah was one of those insanely smart girls that always got straight A's regardless of how much effort she put into school. She was just one of the few of these girls that were hot. She must have been adopted or something because Cam was dumb as shit. She crossed her arms and fixed her gaze onto my eyes. "Tell me."

"Nope"

"Tell me."

"Nope"

Tell me"

"Nope"

"Tell me!" She was starting to get a little pissed. I simply crossed my own indignant arms in return, a veritable brick wall. She stood there for a few seconds before smiling. Then she put on her best pouty face and slid her knee onto the couch beside my leg. The she brought her other knee across my lap and onto the couch as well, inching forward so that she straddled me. She must really want to know what's going on. She slowly lowered her weight onto my thighs and clasped her arms around my neck. If I wasn't so drunk, I would be sporting some serious wood right now. Her breasts were at eye-level and I could not tear my eyes away, even when she giggled. I felt her ass slide slowly to the left and then to the right over my lap and despite myself, I started to get turned on. I looked up at her beautiful face and she was smiling the most sexy smile ever to grace the Earth.

"Tell me."

"You're drunk."

"Tell me, Ian." She whined into my face. "C'mon," she leaned over me, letting her cleavage come within inches of my face and then started to shake them back and forth. "Teeeell meee." This wasn't the first time she had flirted with me but it was definitely the most deliberate. I can't remember her ever sitting on my lap either. Nothing would please me more than to shove my face forward and start motorboatin, but this was Cam's sister for God's sake. I was a better friend than that, wasn't I? "Teeeelll meeee." I couldn't take my eyes off of the jiggling pendulum of flesh that she presented before me. My inner child started to scream.

"Get off, she-bitch!" I said defiantly, and pushed her off onto the couch. "Your trickes won't work on m...oh shit." As soon as I stood up, my alcohol-powered brain and gravity had a severe disagreement and I plummeted to the floor, smacking off of the coffee table on the way down. Once the stars went away, I glanced towards the side and saw a salamander swimming towards me. I really need to get the fuck out of here. I stumbled to my feet wearily and tried to operate the child-proof door lock on the sliding glass door to the outside. Apparently it was "Drunk dude on acid-proof" as well. "How the fuck…" It snapped open. There we go. I threw the door open and took a step outside.

"Where are you going?" Sarah called after me jokingly. I staggered across the concrete towards the fence, the pool light creating rippling shadows on the house that were seriously fucking with my senses.

"I need to go home," I panted, "Now."

"Oh, like you're safe to drive," she quipped. I could hear her footsteps behind me. Only a few more feet to the fence. Once through, I could make a break for my truck and probably trip over a brick and kill myself.

"You're not going anywhere, Ian," the temptress said from behind me. I stopped short of the gate and turned around to face her.

"Oh no?" I asked. She was standing near the pool, leaning on one side. The ripples of the water reflected off of her, creating an unearthly glow about her. Her mouth hung slightly open and those gorgeous eyes glanced at me playfully. Her aubern hair almost looked black in the moonlight as it danced over the front of her shoulders. She was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous but to be completely honest, I was more focused on the moving shadows that were running around, scaring the shit out of me. Oh God, make the hallucinations stop.

"First of all, you're not wearing a shirt or shoes," I looked down at my feet. They weren't melting into the pavement anymore but they were definitely shoeless. Fuck.

"I can still make it," I said, wondering where my shoes were.

"Second," she said and held out her hand. Dangling from her outstretched pointer finger was a set of keys that looked a lot like...son of a bitch. I put on my angry face and started walking back towards her.

"Gimme my keys, Sarah." She started and bit her tongue sexily, completely pleased with herself.

"Oh c'mon Ian, you can't drive, you're trashed."

"So are you."

"Well I don't plan on driving either." This advertisement paid for by Students Against Drunk Driving. "Why don't you just crash on the couch as usual, it's not like you're a stranger around here." Her smile was unnerving. I stopped a few feet from her.

"Because you'll torture me all night until I talk about Cam," I said. Just as I finished speaking, a voice came from above.

"Oh fuck yes!" We both looked up towards Cam's window. "Oooohh God, just like that, harder…uhhh harder…" the moaning continued but we both turned back towards each other. I was smiling but Sarah had a look on her face of utter repulsion.

"That's Janelle!" She said, with a slight tinge of anger. She took a step to the left and swung her arm out, dangling my keys over the pool menacingly. "Tell me what's going on, Ian!"

"Aww c'mon Sarah, I need those," I pleaded.

"There's only one way you're getting these keys back, Ian!" Her eyes beamed. Most girls look good when they're angry but damn, Sarah was smoking. Her chest was rocking with her elevated breathing. I was so close to just tossing her on the ground and start going at it like a puppy. However, the pavement would hurt my knees. Why did Cam's sister have to be so goddamn sexy?!

"OK Sarah, FINE! Some crazy black man name Fairy something or other came to Cam's room two nights ago and made him irresistible." I raised my hands and shrugged. "I swear to God." Sarah scowled at me.

"Right Ian…sure. Kiss em goodbye." And with that, she flicked her wrist and tossed my keys into the pool. Normally, I would have grumbled a bit, stripped to my boxers, and gone in to get them. But tonight, I was high on acid and drunk; really drunk. This combination creates one irritable motherfucker. Besides, she was being a total bitch.

"YOU BITCH!" I yelled, and shoved her spoiled ass right into the drink. Her expression changed to shock in midair and she landed with a splash. "You just broke my keyless entry!" Once I was done speaking, my brain, which was running on a good 15 second delay, brought to my attention the grave peril I was in. Sarah was a tennis player, a really good tennis player at that, and had a reputation in school as being one of the two girls that you don't really want to fuck with. The other girl was Latifah, and she was 6'5". I mean, she once beat the hell out of Peter Andrew, a basketball player, for touching her ass, and he's mildly retarded, which makes him superhumanly strong. And I'm talking like "beat the hell out of him." Witnesses reported seeing her smashing his head off of a locker and the next day he had a black eye and a slit lip. These are the things my brain told me, and the rest of me shivered.

Suddenly Sarah rose through the water and stood facing me, wet strands of Aubern hair framing two crazed eyes. Her dress must have been fairly thin, as it was now fairly transparent. I could clearly see the outline of her two glorious tits, and her dark nipples stabbing through the cold wet fabric. The material clung to her skin even tighter now that it was wet, displaying the contours of her narrowing waist before it sunk beneath the water. Her eyes looked fiery, and her lips were bent in somewhat of a smile, which was really frightening. She looked so fucking hot all wet that I could feel my cock twitching in my pants.

"I," she said calmly, her tits bouncing as she took a step forward, "am going to kill you." I must not have been a real formidable site, a horrified look in my eyes and a huge smiley face markered onto my chest, but my drunk-ass was ready for a fight. However, my legs said "I don't think so," and began rocketing me towards the glass door, fleeing from the enraged girl. I turned around just to see her hoist herself out of the pool, her dress sliding up her waist dangerously. She began to run towards me, her chest doing that Baywatch thing. I bolted through the door and leapt over the coffee table, for some reason thinking that I would be safe if I made it to the front door, but she was faster than me. I was in the kitchen, reaching for the front doorknob, when she caught me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and, using her freakish strength, lifted me off the ground and slammed me into the floor onto my back. Before I could recover from smacking my head off of the cold tile, she leapt on top of me and pinned my wrists to the ground. Then she started…kissing me? Just as the stars cleared, I felt a hot tongue snake into my mouth and two firm lips form a seal over my own. Her chest ground into mine and I could feel drops of water sliding down my sides to the ground. My cock started throbbing and rising, her wet pelvis pushing into it. She withdrew her mouth only to breathe out heavily onto my neck and bit down hard on my earlobe.

In a grimace of pain, I freed an arm and wrapped a leg around hers, flipping her over onto her back. I quickly scrambled on top of her and grabbed her wrists, summarily pinning them to the floor above her head as she did to me. Her hair was everywhere and her eyes were filled with a dizzying combination of rage and lust. She panted heavily, causing her half-exposed tits to push up against my bare chest. My head lurched back in defense barely in time as she tried to bite me. "What is this?" I demanded.

"What?" she gasped, in between panting breaths, "Cameron can fuck my best friend but I can't fuck his?" Before I could even formulate a response, she drove her knee right into my balls, buying her the time she needed to, again, flip me onto my back, her tumbling right back on top of me, pinning my arms as before. She again wrapped her lips around mine and started probing around with her tongue while driving her thigh into my crotch, evoking sensations of pleasure but even stronger sensations of pain. I struggled to free one arm and as it slipped from her wet grasp, I brought it quickly to her throat, squeezing hard enough to elicite a slight choke but not hard enough to cut off her air supply. I pushed her face about a foot away from mine, her auburn locks falling into my face, an open-mouth coy smile played on her lips. Her tits continued to press into my chest as she panted, and I felt her hard nipples scrape mine through her dress as she repositioned herself slightly.

"So is this revenge on Cam, a drunken episode, or perchance do you actually think I'm cute?" Her smile widened and she slapped away the hand on my throat, pulling herself up to a sitting position on my crotch. I flinched as her ass pushed my dick flat underneath her and gasped as she, in one fluid motion, grabbed the hem of her dress around her thighs and pealed it off her skin, past the tiny strip of hair extending from her pussy, past her gem-studded belly-button, up past her ribs, and finally, with a bounce and a jiggle, past her enormous epic tits. As it came over her shoulders, she snuck her arms out and tossed it across the room, sitting on my cock, completely naked. As her wet dress landed with a "squish" in the corner and tiny beads of water dripped from her hair and down her breasts, she looked me in the eyes and responded, "Does it really matter?"

"Oh, my dear Lord," I said aloud, allowing my hands to come to rest on her firm thighs, my eyes traversing every inch of her wet, tanned skin. I had no idea that she was naked under that dress, but now that I did, I'm glad that I pushed her into that pool. Her breathing had slowed to normal but her tits still moved with each breath, water droplets sliding in between them, down her stomach or dripping from her aroused upright nipples onto my chest. Her pussy called out to me and my resolve waned. I knew she was Cam's sister but goddamnit, how strong can an eighteen-year-old be? I closed my eyes and tried to think unsexy thoughts but all I could think about were her gigantic tits bouncing back and forth as I rammed her from behind. My eyes opened to pleasant feeling and saw her hands in front of her, massaging the outline of my shaft. Her eyes were fixed on it and she hungrily traced her lips with her tongue as my dick pulsated in her hands. She shifted back slightly and the tension in my cock snapped it upright, bursting through the flap in my boxers, exposing it between us. Her abs tensed for a moment, exposing her definition for a split second before her hand wrapped around my dick and squeezed hard. Suddenly her eyes lifted and she looked at me. Her mascara was running, her lust-filled eyes gleaming in the semi-darkness. Her mouth was slightly open with a coy smile that I could barely make out. Her wet hair dripped onto her shoulders, and as her grip tightened around my throbbing member, her eyes staring into mine, she let out a faint whimper, and it was all over.