My Awakening: Summer Vacation

"I-I...don't know. Maybe?" She leaned back on the couch. "I don't know how I feel about any of this. It's all so new and foreign to me. All I know is, right now, I don't want to lose you."

She sat there, watching me. Slowly, she got up from the couch and walked past the coffee table. She looked back where I was sitting and told me, "I think I better leave." She left the living room and went to my bedroom. When she came out, she was dressed. I sat there on the coffee table and watched her walk out of the apartment and possibly my life. As soon as the front door was closed, I was curled up in a ball on the couch bawling my eyes out. I had no idea what was going to happen or if I was ever going to hear from Hannah again. I felt Kaitlin stroking my back trying to soothe me, but nothing worked. Just before sleep overtook me, Kaitlin pulled a blanket over me.

After Hannah found out about my relationship with my sister, I didn't hear from her. I was in a state of utter depression. I didn't go out. I didn't eat much; the only reason I did was at my sister's insistence. I was completely lost. I felt like my entire world had blown up on me and I had no idea how to fix it. At night, sleeping alone in my own bed, I would drift to sleep as I imagined the ground would form a huge hole and swallow me up.

There was a morning, a few days after the incident, I was idly making figure-eights in my cereal. I was staring so intently that I didn't pay attention to anything else around me. I vaguely felt my sister watching me across from the table. "She loves you, you know." I looked up at my sister, surprised she was still sitting there. We hadn't talked much these past days. I saw a hurt in her eyes, but I was too focused on mine to really wonder about hers.

"How..." I croaked. "How do you know?"

Sympathetically smiling, "I saw the look on her face when she would look at you." I tilted my head, inquisitively. "I'd seen that look before. Back in high school. I..." she sighed. "I saw it on Marissa's face, too. I was too interested in what others would think of me if I shared her same feelings. Or rather I was afraid of my perceived notion on what others would think."

I went back to idly playing with my cereal. It was all well and good that Hannah loved me, but it didn't really help me out of my funk. I mean Marissa loved Kaitlin, but is now with Olivia. If Kaitlin still loves Marissa, she lost her chance to be with her. So I find out Hannah loved me, but was it over before it had a chance to start? I mean I never even got to find out what my feelings for her were. This whole ordeal was so foreign to me. Why couldn't life be more like a math or science equation? I could figure this out. If relationships could be solved with the quadratic formula, it would be so much easier for me. Hell, I couldn't even begin to determine how I felt about my sister. I knew I loved her just like I loved our parents and just like I loved our friends, but each one of the loves I had were different. And the love I had for Hannah was different. How can I love all these people and each one was different than the other. It was so confusing.

I hadn't even noticed my sister getting up from the table, until I felt her hand on my shoulder. "You're in love with her, aren't you?" Startling me, I jerked in my seat. But when she said that, I snapped my neck around like she had slapped me.

"I-I don't know how I feel. I just...I don't know...I can't wrap my head around my feelings. I keep trying to. I've been running these ideas around in my head, but I don't seem to get any closer to a solution." I looked at her, pleadingly. Here was the one person I felt could fix me, who could solve the mysteries I couldn't. I begged her, with my eyes, to tell me. To help me.

She leaned down so we were eye-to-eye. "Hailey, you can't use your head for this problem. As wonderful as your brain is, it's ill-equipped for matters like feelings. Unfortunately, you never had a chance to exercise the part of you that can solve this." She placed a hand over my heart. "Your heart is the only thing that can answer this particular problem."

"I told you about Marissa for a reason. I was in love with her, same as she was with me. But I didn't act on it out of my own fear. And I lost her. It's a little different, sure, but the message is the same. Don't sit here not doing anything about your feelings or you may lose what you truly love."

"But how do I know? How do I know what I truly love? I love you. I love mom and dad. I love Paige and Marissa and Olivia and Naomi. But it's all different. How do I know which one is real?"

"Sweetie, they're all real." I slumped my shoulders, defeated. "Think about each one and just let yourself feel. How do you feel about Paige?"

I thought about Paige. The way we talked when I had my hair done; the way she was with me on the threesome date; the way she helped me deal with the aftermath of the actual threesome. She felt like what? She felt like my sister. A bit different, but a sister nonetheless.

"How do you feel about Naomi?"

I tried to think about Naomi, but every time I thought of her I thought of sex. And I would get a little wet from it. I couldn't separate the two. Sure I loved her. I also loved that she would push my boundaries and I could allow myself to be carried past my inhibitions. I trusted her to know just how far to go. I couldn't reach anything deeper than that.

"And Marissa?"

Marissa and Olivia. Olivia and Marissa. Never have I ever seen two people so intertwined. At least besides my parents, maybe. Whenever I am near these two, I feel like I am in the middle of a blanket just out of the dryer. All warm and fuzzy. The love these two had for each other, it was hard not to bask in their light. As soon as I started thinking of them and their love, my mind drifted to the day at the beach. Basking in the warm sun, soaking up its rays, lying on my back next to Hannah. Was that it?

I looked back at my sister. She must have realized I had come to the same conclusion as she had already deduced. She had a sadness in her eyes. Did choosing Hannah mean I would lose her like she had lost Marissa? I couldn't choose someone over my own sister! I wouldn't. She'd been my lifeline for so long I couldn't sever it. She tried to get up and leave, but I grabbed her and pulled her to me. "I don't want to lose you, though." I told her.

She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight. "You could never lose me. We're sisters. Always and forever." I felt a pang when she used those words. Those words that she had used so many times.

"But what about..."

Interrupting me, "Hailey, you and I...I would have loved to spend our lives together, forever. How would it work out though? We couldn't marry. Mom and dad would suspect something since neither of us would marry another. Plus, we would probably be living together. I doubt they would be as understanding as our friends. Besides, I could never live with myself if I denied you your happiness. I think Hannah is that. At least for now. You have to go and see for how long."

"But you said..."

"I know. I was caught up in the moment as well. I had the one person I loved more than anyone else in the world in my arms...in my bed...it was wonderful. I think I needed you as much as you needed me. You helped me get over Marissa, finally."

"You opened myself up for love." She nodded her head.

"I always wanted you to see yourself like we, my friends and I, saw you. You owed it to yourself. To open yourself up and allow others to love you." We started crying. It was a touching moment between sisters.

"How long have you known...about us I mean? We, well, we...had sex every day since I got here. We would sleep together every night. What was all that?"

"It's...I don't know...I guess, well, um...I wanted so much for us to be...real. I wanted us to be forever. Not as just sisters, but I knew it wouldn't be. So I...held on to it...us...for as long as I could. Every day I got to be with you, was one more day I could cherish. Knowing it would, eventually, come to an end."

Thinking about our time in California and how great it had been, led my thoughts to her nestled behind me. Replaying that night, hearing the crash of the glass of water from my doorway, brought back my depression unabated. I was in love with Hannah, but before I could profess it she was gone. Slipping out of my grasp, she stroked my cheek. "Call her." She turned and went about her morning chores. Never out of arms length from me hoping to get a call or text from Hannah, I quickly dialed her number.

Getting her voicemail, I said, "Hey. It's me. Can we talk?" I sounded desperate, but I was. I had to do something, anything, to try to get her back. I didn't get a call that day. Or the next. Or the day after that. A week went by. I sent a voicemail every day, just one. I didn't want to become annoying; although, one a day may be borderline annoying, but not as bad as multiple calls a day, right?

I finally got the call I was hoping for. Her ring tone sounded from my phone. Answering it, I said, "Hey." Yeah, that's me the smooth operator with a monosyllabic greeting. The person I am in love with finally calls and I give a simple 'hey'.

"Hi," came the response. There we sat, well I was sitting and assumed she was too. Two one-syllable words and awkward silence. This is what I have been so eagerly waiting for? What do I say next? Ask her how she's been? No, because then she might ask me and I'd tell her I was miserable. She'd say it was my fault and hang up on me. I couldn't have that. I needed to tell her how I felt, but I couldn't blurt it on the phone. I had to see her, but how do I do that when she probably doesn't want to see me.

"Hailey, what did you want?" She made it sound like such a chore to call me. As if her parents had made her call me back. Wait would they have done that? Just to get me to stop calling her incessantly.

"Can you come over?" I wasn't planning to say that! I couldn't believe the words slipped out of my mouth before I had even time to think of what to say. I was mortified. She was going to say no. How could I remedy this?

"I don't think so. It's just not...a great time for me."

"Please." I begged her. "I have to talk, but I can't do it. Not like this. Please just this once. I promise...if you come over, I will leave you alone...if that's what you want. Just please come over and hear me out." I was imploring her with every ounce of my being. I heard her breathing in the background. She immediately got off the phone after she reluctantly agreed to come over.

I was brimming with nervous energy. I hurriedly got a shower, which was fortuitous because my sister was liable to toss me in and scrub me down as rank as I smelled by now. After showering I quickly straightened the living room. A week and a half is a long time for used Kleenexes to build up. I wasn't willing to sit down and let my anxiousness build, so I went to the kitchen and started fixing some lunch. It was less about being hungry and more about not wanting to ruminate over the many possibilities that might occur.

So I set out to fix a quick easy meal. I started boiling water and threw in some penne noodles. While they were cooking, I got some frozen chicken breasts out and put them in the oven to cook. I then got out some carrots, broccoli and cauliflower to chop. I was just finishing up the vegetables when the chicken was done. After rinsing off the knife, I began to cut the chicken into cubes. Once I was done cutting everything, the noodles were nice and soft. I drained the water and threw in the chicken and vegetables. I also emptied a jar of Alfredo sauce and stirred it all together. I placed some garlic bread into the oven, as well. Just then I heard the doorbell ring.

I rushed to the door to see Hannah standing there. I had an urge to hug her, but her arms were crossed in quiet defiance. So I merely held the door for her to enter. We stood there staring at each other. My sister, having made herself scarce during my Tasmanian Devil impersonation whilst cleaning and cooking, emerged from her room. "Did I hear..." She stopped in mid-sentence when she saw Hannah in her apartment. "Oh. Sorry, I'll just leave you two..."

"No. Wait." Hannah stated. I was shocked as was my sister, it turned out. Addressing my sister, "Hailey wanted to talk, but on driving over here I decided I did, too. I have questions. For both of you." The buzzer sounded from the oven. Hannah gave me an incredulous look. "Did you make lunch?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I just couldn't sit still and decided to do something. I didn't even really think about it, so yeah." Turns out my impulse was a good idea. We three, mutely, walked to the kitchen and served ourselves food that I had made. Making our way to the table, we quietly ate our lunch. Each of us formulating what to say or what would be said.

Hannah broke the silence. "This," she pointed between my sister and I, "is wrong. But not having any siblings myself, I have no idea how to begin to question it." She looked at Kaitlin. "She told me what happened, I think she omitted some things, but I have the gist of the events. I just don't understand how it happened."

"I told you about the video..." I tried to explain, but she wasn't asking me. She turned her head and the look she gave me made it clear she wanted to hear it from Kaitlin. That look quieted me. It also showed me how far I had to go just to get back to a friendship. I was crushed. My sister noticed this and grabbed my hand. Her touch gave me strength to carry on.

Hannah watched our hands while Kaitlin took a deep breath. "She told you about the video?" Hannah nodded, waiting for my sister to continue. "Well, for me, it started much earlier. Not going into details, I had fantasies of my sister with my friends. One, Marissa, had the same body type as Hailey does. So I would imagine it was Hailey I was having sex with. The only problem was Marissa had feelings for me that I decided not to reciprocate. Part of me pretended she was Hailey, so I could be with her without allowing myself to get too close her. Because, I rationalized, I couldn't be in a relationship with a girl I pretended was my actual sister. Then, when I saw the object of my fantasies masturbating to a video of me, logic failed me. Somehow my fantasies that kept me away from one girl made me fall for another, my sister. Recently, it occurred to me that the relationship I have, or had rather, with my sister was an attempt to pretend that I was in the relationship I really wanted—with Marissa."

"So let me get this straight. Your fantasies of Hailey kept you away from a girl you had feelings for, but ultimately drove you into a relationship with your sister that you used to...what?...vicariously have a relationship with the original crush?"

"Something like that, yeah." We all sat there quietly as we let that information sink in. This new information had my mind reeling. I released my sister's hand and rubbed my fingertips in circles on the temples of my head. She had told me she loved me. Was it a lie? Or was what she just said a lie? It was confusing to me. She still loved Marissa. She loved me. Can you love more than one person at a time? I thought about my own life. I loved Kaitlin, but I realized I loved Hannah as well.

Kaitlin stood from the table. "I have to get ready for work. I'll be home late." She leaned down and kissed me on the top of the head and left the room. I looked at Hannah. She sat there staring at me. There we were sitting in silence. I had so much to tell her. I had to lay it all out on the line and hope she would accept me. If only as friends. I realized then I just didn't want to lose her in my life. But how do I start? Where do I begin? I started to say something. I opened my mouth, but before I could utter a word Hannah reached across the table and grabbed my hands.

I was in shock. She had seemed so hostile, but now I felt comforted by her. "Let's talk in the living room." I nodded my head. We sat on the couch, once we got to the living room. Sitting on opposite ends facing each other, I was running through everything I wanted to say. What did I want to say before I was interrupted? I can't remember. If there was one thing I wanted her to know, more than anything else, what was it?

"I love you," I blurted out. I gasped and put my hands to my mouth. The thought was in my head, but I had made no conscious decision to actually say those words aloud. My body was protesting against my brain. My heart was taking over, bypassing my ability to rationalize everything. In the aftermath, my brain was trying to figure out how to correct this miscalculation.

"You do?" The truth, now out in the open, couldn't be denied. I just nodded my head. "What about Kaitlin, do you love her too?" I nodded my head again. I sunk my head and covered my eyes with my hands. "So...who do you love more?"

Who did I love more? My sister or Hannah? I couldn't choose between them. Is this what I was doomed to face? I couldn't have Hannah if I still had Kaitlin? Kaitlin has been in my life forever and will always be in my life. "I can't...I can't say. I love you both, but I won't choose you over my sister. I mean...we're sisters, family. Nothing is coming between that."

"I'm not asking to come between you and your sister. I'm asking do you love me or your...lover...more?" But my lover was my sister! Argh! Why is this so complicated? I sat there trying to decipher my feelings again. I tried to separate Kaitlin into two entities, like Hannah had mentioned—Kaitlin, my big sister, and Kaitlin, my lover.

"If you're asking me if I can stop having sex with Kaitlin, then yes I can. We have, basically."

"What do you mean 'basically'?"

"Ever since that night, the one you...well, you know..." She nodded her head. "Well, I haven't done anything, really. I haven't felt like doing anything."

"It's true." Kaitlin stood at the hallway entrance. "She's been moping around here all day since you left the apartment last time. Barely even eats." She walked toward us. She again kissed the top of my head. "I have to go now, but," she turned to Hannah, "I hope you can accept my sister. She misses you terribly." With that, she left the apartment. Even now, my sister was looking out for me. It gave me a strength I didn't know I had.

"I wish I had someone like that. I mean, I love my parents, but the closeness you two have...well, I'm jealous, really. I'm just afraid that...well, that if you two are alone that you might...well, have sex...without me."

Unbidden by my mind, I pictured Hannah in various positions being with Kaitlin and me. Hannah on her back, eating me out as she was being eaten by my sister. Me between Hannah's legs as she watched my sister pound my pussy with the strap-on. Hannah riding me with both of our pussies stuffed with a double-ended dildo while Kaitlin fucked her ass. Had I heard that right? Was she asking to join us? Surely not! I mean her reaction and all the ignored phone calls. This had to be my ears playing tricks on me. "Without you?" I croaked. "You're not asking..." I couldn't finish the sentence. It was too ludicrous.

I saw a flash of...fear in her eyes. Fear? Had I touched on something she hadn't wanted to admit to? "Join you?" She finished my train of thought. I gasped. She had to be thinking the same thing. She wanted to join Kaitlin and I? "No...I mean, well no. I just...you know...wanted...I don't know." She put her head in her hands. I went and hugged her. Muffled by her hands she asked, "Does it make me a freak?"

Whispering, "Does what?"

Lifting her head from her hands, "This past week and a half, well, I didn't call you back because...well, because every time I tried to come to terms...with your relationship...well, I started...you know...imagining...things. It's all so confusing to me. When I left, I was shocked. When I got home, I was...well part of me was disgusted...I mean she's your sister. But I still loved you. I thought of what we did that night...and other things...I wanted to do with you. I had this...fantasy...of you and I...in your room, like that night. Instead of stopping, though, we kept at it. Then...well, like your story you told me...about the night she caught you...well she was in the doorway...and..." She couldn't finish her sentence. She didn't need to, it was written all over her face.