My Dilemma - Redux

The e-mail contained an explanation of the results sheets and two attachments; one for Rachel, my youngest, and the other for Jenny. I opened Rachel's first and was relieved to read the conclusion statement, Mike Jeffress is not excluded as the parent of Rachel Jeffress. The combined parent index is 153.43 so the probability is 94.348%. That was close enough for me.

The second attachment broke my heart. Mike Jeffress is excluded as the parent of Jenny Jeffress. The figures after left no doubt. The paternity index is 0.0 the combined paternity index is 0.0 and the probability of paternity is 0.0%.

I slammed my fist into the table, kicked the waste paper basket over, and screamed. I swore and ranted, and cursed the god that had done this to me. Sitting down again, I saw the TV on the floor next to the desk. I don't know why, but I set it up again and rewound the tape, and pressed play. Maybe I was looking for some spark of explanation or excuse that I could hold onto, some way I could ignore this and move forward so that the life I cherished wouldn't be destroyed.

I fast forwarded the video to the start of Jane's expose; her moans of pleasure filled the room as the door opened. I guess I looked startled and guilty because Jane saw red.

"So this is what you have been doing in here the last two weeks! Watching porn! For fuck's sake what's got into you!" She began walking around my side of the desk. "The last three weeks you have been a bear with a sore head! I'm sick of..........."

Her outburst stopped abruptly when she saw the action on the screen. Nosey was doing her doggy style on the bed. The color drained from her face and she wobbled unsteadily on her feet. She reached across and grabbed hold of the bookcase to steady herself.

"Oh god......oh god......how?"

"It was sent to me anonymously."

"I'm sorry ...I'm so sorry ...it was.....I was ...I was so drunk, I didn't know ...you know I wouldn't o..." Jane babbled.

I didn't reply. I hit fast forward on the remote control until it got to the part where Nosey was asking her if she wanted it and when he told her to put Andy's dick back inside.

"You seem in control!" I said bitterly.

"It.....it was only that one time, I was having a hard time at work remember....you know you were working long hours..." Her voice trailed off as she watched me grab my farm diary. I got the photos I had received first, and put them down face up on the desk.

"You forgot this time, remember? When I was waiting at the park for you for forty minutes."

The tears trickled, and soon turned into full throttle sobbing, through it all the begging started.

"Please...it was so long ago ...I've regretted what I did every day of the last sixteen years ...I ...I made a pledge on the way home that Sunday morning that I was going to make it up to you ...I've been the best wife I could be for sixteen years. Please, we can get past this, it's so long ago. We have so much together now, please!"

Jane reached for me but I stopped her, pointing for her to sit in the chair behind the desk. I hit the enter key on the computer to wake the screen up. Jenny's test results were still on there.

"Unfortunately, the past has a way of staying with us," I said sadly.

"What's this?"

"Just read the highlighted box at the bottom, it makes it very clear!"

A low moan escaped from Jane's lips. "No...No, that can't be right, no no no!"

"Why don't we watch your gangbang together and place bets on who's the daddy!" I growled in her ear.

That caused a fresh round of tears. I had to get out, I had to get out! I went to the bedroom and threw a change of clothes and some fresh underwear in a bag. Grabbing my wallet and keys, I made for the front door. Jane intercepted me before I got there.

"Please, Mike, don't give up on us! I love you! I always will, think of the children! It was two months out of twenty years!"

I brushed past - I had to have space to think.

"What about Michelle?" Jane yelled.

I spun around.

"Didn't you think I could smell her on your clothes when I washed them? I may have been sleep deprived and covered in baby vomit, but I'm not dumb. And then there were the two phone calls." Jane put on a fake high pitched female voice, "Hi, it's Michelle, is Mike there? Fucking bitch!"

I had no reply for that; I didn't know there had been any phone calls. I resumed walking out the door. Jane called out again as I went through it.

"No answer to that? Fucking hypocrite!"

I got in my truck and drove west for an hour before stopping for fuel in West Wyalong. I sat in the diner attached to the service station for another hour trying to decide what to do. The station sat the Newell Highway, turn left for Melbourne, right would take me to Brisbane, or go back the way I had come, to home.

Chapter Two

I watched Jane's ponytail bob in front of me as she trotted on her horse. I was third in the line of five riders. Jemma, our guide led the way. She was followed by Jane then me and two American tourists on their honeymoon were the backmarkers. We were making our way back from Blue Lake in the New South Wales high country on a five day ride.

I'd booked the trip in a last gasp attempt to salvage the wreck our marriage had become. I often thought back to the night eighteen months before sitting in my truck on the shoulder of the Newell highway outside the service center in West Wyalong. After thirty minutes of mental gymnastics I'd backtracked and driven home, parking up the back of the farm and sleeping in the truck.

Naively, I thought we could get through it, I'd pictured Jane begging for forgiveness, vowing to do whatever it took to make things right. I'd even got a little excited as I got close to home thinking about the sexual gymnastics I could put the repentant Jane through. Maybe if I hadn't driven away that night. Maybe it might have been different. In the twelve hours I was away both our positions became set in stone.

As a result the last eighteen months had degenerated into an ugly contest between two immovable objects with opposing views. We didn't speak to each other for the first three weeks, instead conveying any messages to each other through the children. Jenny, our eldest daughter, almost fifteen at the time called us on it one Friday night when the other children were in bed.

"What the fuck is going on with you two?"

"That's enough of that sort of language young lady." I replied hoping to avoid the question.

"Well it's all you're going to fucking get till you two do some talking."

"Jenny really, there is no need to be so coarse!" Jane chimed in.

"Well answer me then. What is going on? You two have been stepping around each other for the past three weeks."

"It's none of your concern." Jane went back to reading her magazine.

"Bullshit it's not, when my little brother and sister come to me and ask if mum and dad are going to get a divorce it is my concern."

Jane and I looked at each other. There was no getting around it, we had been selfishly wrapped up in our own worlds oblivious to the effect on those we loved around us. I shifted nervously in my seat as I turned back to the withering stare of my daughter.

"We'll sort it out tonight," I said weakly.

"Make sure you do! Or... or I'll ... I'll call grandma!" Jenny spluttered finally thinking of a threat she thought might work.

Jane stood and moved to put her arm around her but she twisted away. Jenny stomped up the hallway leading to the bedrooms slamming the door behind her. The sound of the slammed door reverberated around the lounge room where Jane and I sat. I was in an armchair on one side and Jane standing behind the lounge about as far away from me as she could possibly get.

We looked blankly at each other but I'm sure her mind was racing just as quickly as mine trying to find something to say. Something to break through the wall we had spent three weeks building, reinforcing and sheltering behind. We each had our own little cocoon of hate that we could nestle inside and take comfort in our righteousness.

"Well... What do you suggest?" Jane spoke first but her attitude certainly hadn't softened.

I wanted desperately to bite back, to throw a deliciously crafted barb back at her. I didn't, I'd come home that night three weeks ago to try and sort things out but instead we'd settled into trench warfare. It was time for a truce.

"I think we need to see someone, a counsellor or something. This," I pointed to her then me emphasizing the distance, "isn't working."

Jane cautiously moved back to sit on the lounge.

"Where do we find one?" She asked quietly.

"I don't know. The web maybe? Or we could go and see Dr. Davies."

"He's just a GP." Jane shot that down.

"But he might know somebody or point us in the right direction." I offered.

"I don't want to go in there about this. The receptionist's he has are the biggest gossips in town."

"Yeah, I guess." I grabbed my tablet from the coffee table. "I'll just have a look and see what I can find."

"Okay. Can I turn on the television?" Jane waved the remote control.

"Yeah."

Wow, a conversation. Stilted and guarded but a conversation. It was weird but I felt really uplifted, hate is such hard work. I spent a while searching and came up with three possible names. Passing my tablet to Jane I let her look at the different options. She picked the one she liked the look of and we agreed to try and get an appointment. Television was its usual wasteland of reality shows and current affairs so Jane turned it off.

"Are you sleeping in our bed tonight?" She asked in a neutral tone.

I'd been sleeping on the lounge for the last three weeks. Making sure I woke early so as to be dressed before the girls got up.

"Do you want me to?"

"I didn't kick you out."

'I'm not a fan of frostbite,' I thought, but didn't say. "That doesn't answer my question."

"Suit yourself," Jane rose from the lounge and went up the hallway.

I sat for another five minutes with the internal debate raging before getting up to follow her. By the time I'd had a shower and got to the bedroom Jane was under the covers asleep, or pretending to be. I got in my side and lay on my back for a while before rolling towards Jane. I reached out to put my hand on her hip, not in a sexual way but just hi, I'm here. She flinched and moved away. I remember thinking at the time, Rome wasn't built in a day.

The counsellor was very busy so it took three weeks to get an appointment. During that time we spoke to each other but not much else except for one night when we had unexpected visitors. Friends from further west stopped in on their way home from a horse gymkhana. We played the hosts and cooked dinner and had a few drinks, more than a few actually. Around midnight we tumbled into our bed and before we knew it we were making out like teenagers. We went at it with a gusto I can't recall experiencing for a long time.

The next morning with sore heads we cleaned up and looked sheepishly at each other. Jenny came in and complained about the noise we made the evening before then made a caustic remark about how old people should know better.

"You are such a prude, just like your father," Jane said with a laugh then she looked at me and turned ashen.

I'd tried not to let the hurt show but failed.

"Fuc...rrr away" Jane grunted, avoiding Jenny's shocked stare. "Build a bridge and get over it," she mumbled as she pushed past me and walked outside.

It was back to our respective corners.

We travelled together in silence to our first counselor visit. Dr. Hahn was a forty something woman with fiery red curly hair and a pleasant smile. She'd welcomed us into her office, spoke to both of us for ten minutes then she split us up. Jane got twenty minutes, I received ten, and the writing was on the wall. In the last five minutes we were back together and Dr. Bitch told me the past was the past and it was time to move forward. She then spent the rest of the time berating me for cheating on my wife while she was at home with a baby and two toddlers. It didn't help when I chirped up that only two of them were mine. Needless to say the trip home was very quiet.

We went to two more sessions with Dr. Hahn before I exploded and called her a man-hating bitch who needed a stiff dick up her arse, and stormed out. I was leaning on the car in the car park waiting for the "fun" ride home. Jane emerged with a scowl on her face. Getting the key out of her bag she clicked the car open. I got in and braced myself for the blast. She got in, clicked on her seat belt, took a deep breath the let it out slowly. Here it comes I thought.

She started giggling, and was soon wiping away tears as full blown belly laughs made her shake in the seat.

"Her face... Her face..." More laughter. "Oh it was priceless, she was still hyperventilating when I left."

Relieved I started laughing too. In the end the experience actually did bring us closer. We had a better couple of weeks but decided to try another counselor. We picked a man this time, Dr. Gregor.

Unfortunately our luck didn't change. This time we only lasted two visits before I had him by the throat up against the wall. Alarm bells were ringing after our first visit when he seemed obsessed by the details of Jane's infidelity. As we left he asked if we still had the video tape as he felt it was important for him to see it. I'd burnt the tape the night I came home.

On the second visit after once again quizzing Jane extensively about her sexual experiences he tried to cop a feel as he help her put on her coat before we left the office. She jumped and slapped him then I partially throttled him before his receptionist threatened to call the police. Still as with the first time the counseling might not have worked but it still bought us closer.

Just not close enough. It was like a continual Cold War and we were both at Defcon four. Little things that would normally be dismissed or laughed off in a healthy relationship would lead to both of us jumping back in our bunkers and preparing to fire missiles. It would be followed by some major diplomacy and a thaw before something set us off again.

We kept trying for the children. They meant so much to us. Yeah I know Jenny wasn't mine but I was the only father she had known and I did love her. It was her mother's mistake not hers. There was one other thing, my own selfish reason. A divorce would mark the death knell of my career as a farmer. We were tenants in common on the title deeds for both farms. We still owed the bank money on the second farm. Not a lot but the amount didn't matter that much. I couldn't afford to pay Jane out her fifty percent share. My only option would be to sell up the land and livestock.

All these things bounced around in my head as I watched Jane's butt bouncing lightly in the saddle. We were up to a canter now as we were off the ridges and in a valley heading towards a cabin where we were staying the night. There was still a few hours of daylight left but there was much to do. Each rider had to square away his or her horse. Make sure their animal was washed down, rugged, fed and watered. This was followed by collecting wood, setting up bedding, cooking then cleaning up. Each night it was a very tired group of horse lovers that slumped down in chairs by the fire with a beer or a wine.

In the end it hadn't been a very good idea. There was very little time for Jane and me to sort out our future, just lots of time with your own thoughts which often wasn't very productive. It was our last night. Tomorrow it was back to Jindabyne then into the car for the long drive home. Last night I'd retired to bed early hoping Jane would join me so we could talk. She'd stayed up with Jemma and I was passed out when she climbed into our swag.

Tonight she was asleep leaning against my shoulder by the fire. I nudged her and suggested she head to bed. She wearily stood up and bid the others good night. She was followed by the honeymooners giggling and cuddling. I was left staring at the dying flames with Jemma.

"I was going to say a penny for your thoughts, but after talking to your wife last night I'm not sure I want too." Jemma said after she had thrown a fresh log on the coals.

"If you've been talking to my wife then you don't need to hear from me." I said failing to hide my bitterness.

"Heh, it wasn't that bad. You came out of it pretty well really."

I just grunted still struggling with my own internal demons.

"She does love you." Jemma tried.

"Yeah, it's obvious isn't it?" I added dryly.

"Why did you come on this ride?" Jemma asked as she poured a shot of bourbon into her cup before rolling the bottle over to me.

"To try and work out how we can stay together." I answered truthfully.

"Seems to me that both of you are pulling the wrong rein."

I studied her for a moment then took a hit from the bottle. I burned all the way down.

"Eww shit, now I remember why I don't drink that stuff." I coughed and spat then pulled from my beer before sitting back in my chair. "Enlighten me."

"You two are spending all your time working out how to stick together when you should be working out how to split up as friends."

"Have you thought of going into marriage counseling?" I said laughing at my own brilliant sarcasm.

"Come on, blind Freddie can see it. You two are fine apart but put you together and you are like a couple of mangy dogs. The hair comes up on the back of your neck and you circle each other snarling and snapping. I don't doubt you love each other but if you keep trying to stay together you'll kill it and maybe each other."

I didn't say anything, I couldn't think of a reply. What Jemma said had made too much sense.

"Why are you still together?"

"The kids I suppose." I mumbled.

"And you think that your current relationship is a good environment for them grow up in?"

I didn't answer again. I just stared at the bottle in my hand and tried not to cry. Eventually I managed something.

"Did you tell Jane the same things last night?"

"No, it only occurred to me today on the ride. Hey look it's just my opinion and opinions are like arseholes..."

"Yeah, I know. Everybody's got one and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks."

Jemma stood up. "I'm turning in. Can you put that big log on the fire when you go? We might need a warm fire in the morning."

She walked away and I stayed staring into the flames seeking answers but only came up with more questions. I don't know how long I sat there but the next time I went to have a drink of my beer it was warm and flat. I put the log on the fire and went to bed. Climbing into the swag I tried to not disturb Jane. I lay with my back to her watching the flames slowly work their way around the new log. Jane rolled and cuddled up to my back snaking her arm around my middle. That's when I started crying.

The next morning I woke to find the rest of the group up and preparing to break camp. I got up and pulled some clothes on before going to the fire to get a cup of tea. The two Americans were fussing over the saddles while Jemma cooked up some bacon and eggs. Jane appeared from around the back of the cabin leading two horses.

We ate and packed up in silence mostly. Today we were leaving the high country and going back to our lives. The holiday was over and for me I now knew so much more was over. We arrived back at Jindabyne just after lunch. After unsaddling our horses for the last time we turned them out into a small holding paddock before collecting our things and heading to the car. Once inside I retrieved my mobile phone, all electronic devices and been barred from the trip.

I called my sister who had been looking after our children. We both spoke to the kids and then I talked to my sister again. I asked if she could have them for another night and she said it would be fine. Jane gave me a quizzical look as I disconnected and put the phone down.