My Handyman

"You can't change people, Cliff," Byrne said. "You can't force him to come out."

"But he wants me to meet his friends," I insisted.

"Yeah," Walt said. "Good luck pretending to be straight, because that's what he's going to expect."

"Why would you want to be with someone who denies your relationship?" Chip asked.

"He's just going to keep using you," Byrne said.

I huffed. "He's not using me. He cares about me. You guys make me sound like some kind of doormat."

"Puh-lease," Walt said as he rolled his eyes. "You have 'Welcome' written all over your face. Or your ass, as the case may be."

"It's not like that," I said defensively. "And you're not funny."

They were all ganging up on me. They didn't understand what I was feeling. I pushed my plate away. "I have to get back to work."

I threw twenty bucks on the table and left the restaurant in a hurry. I somehow managed to make it through the rest of the day, but my mind was not really on my job.

That next week when Kent invited me to go out with his friends to watch the baseball game, of course I agreed. We drove separately since he would be coming from a job. When I pulled into the Bulldog's parking lot, I saw Kent's truck and parked near it. I took a deep breath and walked inside the sports bar. I looked around the bar. The atmosphere was loud and dimly lit. There were large screen TV's all over the restaurant. I saw Kent and his friends at one of the tables in front of the large projector screen. As I approached the four men, I could hear them talking loudly and laughing as they drank their beer and watched the game.

"Hi," I said.

Kent stood up and shook my hand. He grabbed an empty chair from a nearby table and pulled it up to the table.

"Guys, this is Cliff," he said. "Cliff, these are the guys. Roger, Jack, Miller, and Boyd."

I recognized Jack as the lanky guy from the Home Depot. Roger and Boyd were both big guys like Kent. Miller was short and tubby.

I smiled and waved at them. They all looked at me and grunted and nodded their heads. Roger looked me up and down and shook his head and scoffed, then returned to the game.

I shifted uneasily and glanced up at Kent. He was getting the waitress's attention to order me a beer.

"You got a wife or girlfriend, Cliff?" Boyd asked me.

Roger and Jack looked at each other and both made a noise that sounded like a half laugh, half snort. I could see Kent's body stiffen out of the corner of my eye.

"No. Um... I'm not dating anyone right now," I said nervously.

As the evening went on, I grew more and more uncomfortable. Kent and his four buddies all but ignored me. After about an hour and a half, I had enough.

"Hey, guys," I said standing. "Thanks for the beer and the game, but I'm gonna head out."

"See ya," Kent grunted without looking up at me.

The other guys didn't even acknowledge me. I felt my eyes start to sting and I quickly turned and left the bar. I got into my car and wiped the tears from my eyes as pulled out of the parking lot and drove home.

I felt numb as I walked through my house. I went upstairs to my bedroom and took a shower. I crawled into bed and turned onto my side. I curled up into the fetal position and cried myself to sleep.

***

A ringing and knocking stirred me awake. I sat up and listened, but didn't hear anything. I looked at the clock and it was nearly midnight. My cellphone started to ring and vibrate and I picked it up off my nightstand.

Kent Barnes.

I answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Cliff. Are you okay? I'm downstairs. You're not answering the door."

"Sorry. I was asleep."

"Can you come down?"

"Be right there."

I wasn't quite ready to deal with this yet, but I guess sooner is better than later. I pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and made my way downstairs.

I opened the door. "Kent."

When I didn't move out of the way to let him in, he seemed a little bit surprised. "Can I come in?"

"Okay."

I let Kent in and we stood in the foyer looking at each other. He shoved his hands in his pockets.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Me, too."

"Why are you sorry?"

"Kent... I'm comfortable with who I am. I know I'm not the manliest of men. I know that your friends took one look at me and thought 'sissy' or 'fag' or whatever. I'm okay with that. I have to be. That's who I am and there's nothing I can do about it. The thing is... Tonight I felt bad about myself for the first time in a really long time. I don't want to feel like that, Kent. I don't think we should see each other anymore."

"Cliff... Don't... Please..."

"I can't be what you need me to be. And... You can't be what I need. I'm sorry."

Tears spilled down my face. Kent looked at me with agony in his eyes. I had to look away. He reached for me and I intercepted his hands. I squeezed them tight.

"Bye, Kent."

I opened the door and held it open for him.

"I love you, Cliff," he whispered.

Kent walked through the door and I shut it behind him.

"I love you too, Kent," I whispered back.

***

I managed to somehow make it through the week without having a nervous breakdown. I missed Kent terribly. A little part of me wished he would call. If he did, I probably would have taken him back. But as time went on, my sadness turned to anger. I was pissed off at Kent. He treated me really badly. If he truly loved me as much as he said, he wouldn't have done that to me.

I decided to hire another contractor to paint my bedroom. The guy didn't show up until five hours later. It wasn't until after he finished and left that I noticed how sloppy his work was. He got paint on the baseboards and the trim. There were spots on the wall that were thinner and needed another coat. Kent never would have left a job looking like this.

Over the next couple of months, I concentrated on finishing up my MBA. I was so relieved when I finally finished. I would finally have time to concentrate on other areas of my life. Like fixing up my house. Or finding a man.

Yeah, right.

My friends took me out to dinner to celebrate that Saturday after I finished.

"So what are you gonna do with all this free time, Cliff?" Byrne asked.

"I don't know," I said with a shrug. "Kick back and relax?"

"You'll have a lot more time for dating now," Chip said. "No more excuses."

"Fuck dating. You need to go out and get laid," Walt said.

I frowned. "Can we change the subject?"

"You broke up with that asshole like three months ago," Walt said. "It's time to move on."

"He's not an asshole. He's just... He wasn't ready to seriously date anyone yet."

"Well, you could do a lot better," Byrne said. "He was fat and hairy. Yuck."

"I like big guys," I said quietly. "I like Kent. Please don't talk about him like that. Can we change the subject please?"

"Like I said. You need to get laid," Walt said. "You'll never get over him if you just sit around moping."

"This is supposed to be a celebration," Chip said. "Let's get out of here. We need drinks."

After we paid for dinner, we headed down the street. We walked to the small gay bar a couple of blocks down the street. Walt bought the first round at the bar and we found a table and sat down.

After a couple vodka cranberries, I was feeling pretty giggly. We were laughing and joking and having fun. I forgot all about my guy troubles.

A big, muscular black guy walked by our table, and he gave a flirty smile at Walt.

"Now, that's nice," Walt said under his breath.

Walt hopped up from his stool, grabbed his martini, and proceeded to follow his new 'friend'.

"What a slut," Chip whispered and the three of us died laughing.

"Next round's on me," I said.

Byrne and I got up and walked towards the bar. We ordered our drinks and waited for the bartender to make them.

"Okay, Cliff," Bryne said as he scanned the room. "First choice."

Byrne liked playing this game. You walk into a room and point out the first person you'd have sex with. I looked around, but didn't see anyone who caught my eye. "Eh. Pass. How 'bout you?"

"Hmm... That guy over there. Red shirt. Cute and preppy. Big arms."

"Not bad. Totally your type. But I think he's with his boyfriend."

We were both looking at him when he looked up and caught us staring. We quickly turned around and started giggling.

"Hey," Cliff said. "What about that guy?"

Cliff motioned to a guy at the end of the bar. It was dark, so it was hard to get a good look at him. He was a husky bear. I couldn't see his face, but I could see that he had a nicely trimmed beard. He had a baseball cap on his head, slung low over his brow. He was staring down at a beer bottle, lost in thought as he picked at the label. A cigarette was burning down to ashes in the ashtray in front of him.

"Yeah, I guess," I shrugged.

"He looks lonely. Buy him a drink."

"What? No. Are you crazy?"

The bartender returned with our drinks.

"Sorry," Bryne said to him, "but we need a Bud Light, too."

The bartender set the beer on the bar and I paid him and left him a tip.

Byrne gave me my vodka and the beer bottle and nudged me towards the end of the bar.

"Go," he hissed.

I frowned. "I don't wanna."

"Go!"

He gave me a hard push and I stumbled and nearly tripped, but I caught myself and straightened up. The guy lifted his head and I gasped in shock when I saw Kent Barnes staring back at me.

He looked just as shocked to see me. "Cliff?"

"Kent... I, uh..."

"Oh, shit," Byrne mumbled behind me.

I cleared my throat. "I, um... I bought a beer... for you..."

"Fuck that," Byrne snapped as he grabbed the beer from my hand. "Come on."

Byrne tugged at my arm, but I held firm.

"I'll catch up to you, Bryne," I said to him.

Byrne sighed. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

He looked at me, then at Kent. He glared at Kent with hatred.

"Byrnie," I said gently. "Please. I just want to talk to him for a second."

"Cliff, don't," he whispered. "I know you. You'll just let him walk all over you again. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I need to do this, Byrne."

"Okay. I'll be back at the table."

I took the beer from Bryne and he turned around to walk back to our table, but not before giving Kent one last dirty look.

I turned my attention back to Kent. I sat down next to him and slid the beer back to him. He looked quite uncomfortable and he had trouble looking me in the eye.

"Thanks," he said quietly. "I take it you didn't realize it was me when you bought this?"

"No. Byrne wanted me to meet new... Never mind."

He took a long, slow pull of the beer. "So, how have you been?"

"Fine," I said with a shrug. "I finished my degree. We're out celebrating."

"Congratulations, Cliff. You should be proud."

"Yeah. I am. So, how have you been?"

Kent shrugged. "Eh. I've been better."

I nodded. I knew how he felt.

"You know this is a gay bar, don't you?" I asked. It sounded a lot more bitter coming out of my mouth than I intended.

"I suppose I deserve that," he said.

He took another drink. I opened my mouth to apologize, but changed my mind. He did kind of deserve it. I sighed and took a sip of my own drink.

"Maybe a little," I said with a shrug. "Why aren't you hanging out with your friends, watching the game?" I asked.

Kent scoffed. "Those guys aren't my friends."

"What do you mean?"

"Just what I said. I'm not friends with those guys. I came out to them, Cliff."

"Wow. I'm... Wow. Don't you feel better?"

"Better?" he asked, raising his voice and looking into my eyes for the first time. "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't have any friends anymore. Most of my family won't even speak to me. How is that better?"

He backed down and his facial expression softened and he turned his gaze back down to the bar.

"Sorry," he said quietly. "It's not your fault... I'm a fucking idiot. I thought I could have it all, you know? I'd tell them I was gay and everything would be okay. I'd win you back and we'd all hang out together and we'd spend holidays with the family. Happily ever after."

"Sometimes life isn't that easy, Kent."

He scoffed. "Yeah... I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?"

"How you are so comfortable with who you are. You don't care what anyone thinks."

"Well, I wouldn't say that I don't care what people think. I can get my feelings hurt as easily as the next guy. But I've had a lot longer to deal with being gay and being out. You should have seen me when I was younger. I was a basket case. But one day I realized that I couldn't change who I was and once I was able to accept that, it got a little easier."

Kent slowly nodded, then let out a deep breath. He took a deep drag of the last of his smoke and then exhaled and put it out in the ashtray. I looked at his face. He looked so down and dejected. His spark and confidence that I loved so much was completely gone. Any anger I felt towards him disappeared. I felt really bad for him and I just wanted to hug him and comfort him.

"I think I'm gonna grab a cab and head home," he said.

"Okay. If you want to talk, you still have my number? Call me, okay?"

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Okay."

He stood up from his stool and pulled his ball cap off. He smoothed down his hair and pulled the cap back on low over his brow. I watched him leave the bar.

It wasn't but a few seconds before I was surrounded by Byrne and Chip. I told them what happened and they were both as surprised as I was. However, they didn't feel any sympathy towards him. As Chip talked about karmic retribution, I tuned him out and couldn't help but think about the look on Kent's face.

***

I had hoped that Kent would call me, but he didn't. In the end, it was I that ended up calling him about a month later. After two more bad contractors, I bit the bullet and called Kent.

"Hello?" he answered hesitantly.

"Hi, Kent. This is Cliff."

"Yeah. I know..."

"Um, listen. I haven't been able to find a good contractor. I was hoping that you could recommend someone to me, maybe? Or maybe you could do the job if it's not... you know... weird..."

"Oh. No. Yeah. I mean, I can do the work."

"Oh, that'd be great," I said with relief.

We discussed what I needed done, then made plans for him to come out Saturday morning and then hung up.

I woke up early Saturday morning and cleaned the house and then showered and threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I heard Kent's truck pulling up and I took a deep breath and answered the door. Kent was standing there looking awkward, staring down towards my feet.

"Hi," I said.

"Hey."

Kent gave me a distant smile and didn't look me in the eye. I let him in and led him out to the back yard and showed him where the gutters were coming off the house.

"Let me get my ladder."

"Okay. Then I have a couple of other things when you're done with that."

"Sure."

He walked off to get his ladder, leaving me standing there. I expected a little bit of awkwardness, but it was like he was a different person. The old Kent was cocky and confident, flirty and charming, funny and sexy. Now he looked sad and lonely and like he hadn't been sleeping.

I wanted to say something to him, to try to offer him a little support or sympathy, but I didn't know what to say. Instead I stayed out of his way and let him do his work. At lunch time, I offered to buy him lunch, but he refused. He said he brought his lunch and he proceeded to eat it in his truck. I sighed and heated up some soup and sat down at the kitchen table. He only took about 15 minutes for his lunch break and then knocked on the door.

"Come in," I called out.

He walked into the kitchen and I looked up from my soup. He looked anywhere but at me. It was starting to really annoy me. Even though we weren't together anymore, he didn't need to knock on the damned door. And he didn't need to avoid looking at me.

He cleared his throat. "I'm gonna use the bathroom and then I'll get back to work, if that's okay?"

"Sure, Kent. You don't have to knock and you don't have to ask to use the bathroom. I mean, Jesus, aren't we beyond that? After all, I've sucked your dick in that bathroom."

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for a reaction. He finally looked up at me, a look of shock on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but apparently couldn't come up with a response. He fumbled over his words, then closed his mouth and turned around and walked away.

At least he looked me in the eye. I smiled to myself and went back to my soup.

While he got back to work, I finished my lunch, then grabbed my phone. I went out to the back yard and called up Walt.

"Hey, Walt."

I explained what was going on with Kent, but he wasn't very sympathetic. "So what? Why should I care?"

"Aw, come on, Walt. We have to help him."

"Why should we help him? He was a total dick to you."

"But then he tried to fix it by coming out, and that's what fucked up his life. I want to help him. Maybe if he went out with us tonight..."

"Okay, first of all, we don't want to hang out with him. And second of all, he's not gonna want to hang out with us. We're not exactly his crowd."

"He's gone out with us before and we all had fun. It's the same thing."

"No, it's not. He was your boyfriend then, not some sad sack loser you're trying to fix."

"Look, Walt. I feel like this is my fault. I need to fix this. When you came out to your parents, I was there for you when you were a blubbering mess. Now it's time for you to do the same for someone else."

"If you tell me I need to 'gay it forward', I'm gonna throw up. And he's not yours to fix."

I took a deep breath to calm myself down, but it didn't help. I was pissed off.

"You know what? Forget it. I'll do it myself. I'm sorry I bothered you. I'll let you get back to being a selfish prick."

I hung up on him. When he tried to call me back, I tapped 'ignore' and then turned my phone off. I went back inside and sat at the desk in my office trying to think of a way to help Kent.

I looked up when I heard a tap on the door.

Kent was standing there with his hands in his pockets, not looking me in the eye. "I'm finished. So I'm gonna head out."

As he turned to leave, I stopped him. "Wait. Let me pay you first."

I got my check book and wrote out a check for the amount we agreed on and gave it to him. He put it in his wallet, then turned to leave. I grabbed his hand.

"Don't go. Please."

Kent swallowed nervously, but didn't say anything.

"Can we go to dinner and maybe go out for a drink or two or ten? I think you'll feel better if you talk to someone."

He looked at me like I was crazy. "You... You really wanna talk to me?"

"Of course I do. I care about you."

"But you broke up with me. And I don't blame you after the way I treated you."

"Yeah. You were a total asshole. But you need a friend right now. So, what do you say?"

"Well... Okay. But I'm buying."

Kent cleaned up in the bathroom and then the two of us went out to dinner. It was kind of awkward. We made small talk and most of the meal was spent in uncomfortable silence.

"So, tell me what happened," I finally said.

Kent let out a sigh, then proceeded to tell me everything.

"After you broke things off... I was upset and then I was pissed off. I was so fucking pissed at you. You knew the terms of our relationship and you said it was okay."

I didn't like hearing that, but I bit my tongue and didn't say anything, and let him continue.

"It took me a couple of days, but I realized I was being an asshole. I was still pissed, but at myself... for letting you go... for how I treated you. The way I treated you was beyond shitty. I didn't realize how much I would miss you... I was in a constant bad mood, snapping at people... And it just kind of happened. I was at Bulldogs with my buddies... One of them rubbed me the wrong way and I let him have it. After I cussed him out, they started making cracks about me needing to get laid, then they started joking about you, you know... sucking my dick or whatever. They started to get really nasty... I was fucking livid. I told them not to talk about you like that. Then I just blurted it out. I said 'I'm gay'."