My Journey So Far

"So, lovely lady, what made you choose females?"

The question has come from my companion, a woman of some stature in her field, which affords her some leisure, a woman that should know better than to ask such a question, and a wman of whom is currently allowing me to rest my naked body against her so warm and so comforting similarly naked body. More so, while she is a good eighteen years my senior, those eighteen years have been so very gentle on her features.

At the moment, we are entwined amongst luxurious red satin sheets near the far left top edge of a round and impossibly large bed in a private suite of a spa-resort located on a California ridge overlooking the Pacific Ocean, our satiated bodies relaxing as we gaze past the open balcony toward a golden setting sun out over that ocean. I know that us being here, me being here, is due purely to her success in life and to her desires for me. It is years beyond my normal poly-amorous life in an off-campus house that I share with three guys and four other women.

Her question is nonsensical, of course. It was a nonsensical question when she had asked it in the past and it is still one now. She knows it, and I know that she knows it, and she knows that I know that she knows, and further down the rabbit hole. It is just another of her endless mind games. She must be, once again, testing me, probing me, in order to 'get to the real Kathy'. I hate it when she does things like this, which occur after every round of lovemaking that we have. Sometimes, I swear, if it was not for the feelings that I have for her, as well as the fantastic sex that we have, questions such as these would cause me to leave her. Do not get me wrong, I do enjoy the expensive trinkets that she buys me and the exotic locales to which she takes me (and IN which she takes me), but I would chuck them all if it meant that I did not have to bear such questions.

I lean up on my right elbow, my left hand remaining on her abdomen, my gaze fighting between watching that hand slowly and gently trace random caresses across her smooth skin and turning to face her own probing gaze. "You know you don't 'choose' such a thing! It just 'is'!"

She concedes the question, but follows with, "Well, then, tell me about your first lesbian affair."

Gawd, she has such a sweet face! Her words have been said in complete innocence; I know that I could never refuse her this peccadillo. Still, as I stare at her, I am confirmed in my suspicions; my lover wants me to completely expose my thoughts and feelings to her just as entirely as I have my body. She wants, she demands, complete openness between us. How can I tell her that I love her but that I am just twenty years old? Of course, she knows that! Still, I am not sure that I ever want to commit to a long-term lesbian relationship. How can I tell her that I am sure that I am bisexual and not straight homosexual? I like to look at and fantasize about hard sexy male bodies just as much as I do about her just as sexy and oh so feminine soft body!

I smile at my beautiful companion. "Sure!" I wonder how much of my thoughts that my face has already given away.

I sit up in bed, resting back on my hands behind me, facing the sinking sun, legs slightly spread and stretching out before me and toward that sinking sun. "It all started that summer three years ago, the one between my junior and senior years back in high school. My period was late; you know that I have never been all that regular."

I hear my lover's agreement with what I said and look back over my shoulder to see her nod affirmative and to see her further imploring and enwrapped stare.

I turn back toward the west and that gorgeous golden sunset. "Well, I had been sexually active with my boyfriend for a few months and immediately thought,...no, I felt, even knew, that I had to be pregnant. And that was the obvious reason for my missed cycle."

I turn back to her, "I was so happy and excited! I was going to have the child that my life-long lover and I had made! It was going to be white picket fences and level yards and split level houses and two and a half kids and a dog and a hundred other things from that moment forward!" I reach across my body to fondle her exposed breasts, my hand moving from one to the other as I watch, my mind a thousand miles and multiple years away.

"And, I've told you this, when I told my lover-man the wonderful news, he had only asked about when I was going to abort the baby and how I was going to pay for it!" I look at my oh-so-sensual lover-woman straight in her eyes. With more emotion than I have shown since the orgasms that she had given to me this afternoon, "Abort my baby!"

I stare past her toward the corner of the room. "Well, you know the next part. I told him that I was going to have 'our' child, and he denied that 'it' was his. He eventually told me that I must have been sleeping with 'lots' of guys. One thing after another. Yada-yada-yada." My slightly tearing eyes gaze back into her eyes, "and, with that, we break up, my lover, my love, my life and my future was gone."

There is no sound in the room, just deafening silence. My feelings hit rock bottom. Even the sunset is conspiring to match my mood, its golden glory now being replaced by an ever-deepening bluish-purple gloom as the sun disappears beneath the horizon. I look back at it; I turn back to it. I bring my bent-knee legs up, wrapping my arms around them, my chin resting on them. I am lost in thought, my bedroom companion respecting my solitude, not making any utterance, not moving any muscle.

"And only then did my period occur," I eventually say in a deadpan voice. "Only then, after the storm, and leaving me, now, without even a baby." I barely make it through that last thought without choking up and balling like a lost child for MY lost child.

Minutes pass as I stare out at...nothing.

"Then, you know what?" I turn just my head back towards her as I use my fingers to wipe more than a few tears away, a widening smile crossing my lips mocking so my wet eyes, knowing that this is the part that she wants to hear, waits to here. "A miracle occurred. I just didn't know it when it happened!"

I place my hands behind my neck and I stretch lazily, my elbows over my head, as I turn to her, my breasts jiggling as I do. I watch her face, but she does not see for her eye-gaze is on those swaying breasts, a look of animal lust momentarily passing across her face, her stare. That instant catches me and I let out the most inaudible sound as I take a quick breath, feeling my vagina moisten just the tiniest amount. My mind races to wondering if my story would go unfinished, being replaced by another wonderful round of love and lust this evening.

However, the moment is broken as she looks up into my face, again. The openness that she wants tonight is one of my inside, my mind, not one of my outside, my body. Knowing the answer, for having heard it before, she so quietly asks, "So, honey peach, what was that miracle?"

I contort my body and lean forward slightly, toward her, and as I do so, I kick my legs out, away from her, as I flip over onto my stomach, my chest, shoulders and face up and exposed as I lean on my elbows, the beautiful cross pendant necklace that she had given to me earlier today now hanging down before my cleavage. I do not rise up too far, for I know that doing so would hide my naked and exposed ass and legs from view, a view that she now has over my shoulder, a view that I know that she loves.

"Our neighbors, well my parent's neighbors, the Kurtz's, I've told you about them, had sold their house and had moved out that May, before the end of the school year, and were off to Florida to live out their golden years. I was even upset at that, and not that I would never see my longtime neighbors again but, rather, that they had a pool and had always let me use it to sunbath and I didn't know if the new family would be anywhere near as welcoming."

I have been, once again, staring unfocused as I spoke, but now I look up at her and see that she was content at watching the deepening shadows play across the soft mounds of my tush. If she is so hot for my body, why won't she just jump me like the cougar that I know that she is and take me, hard, now, and forget about this silly 'sharing' that she always insists upon.

I clench my buttocks and wiggle them slightly. Her eyes get the most bemused look and she returns her gaze to my face, the both of us sharing the joy of laughter. "I am so sorry, pretty honey bunch, but you can be SO distracting! Please, please, continue..."

"Well, it was such a nice pool and so secluded! The ..."

"Pool? Oh! You are already to the pool part of the story! Wow, my mind was someplace else."

I think to myself, silently, "Jump me; fuck me; play with my body; please make me do things to your body; now! Why make me share my story?"

I continue, "Well, as I said, the pool was really secluded. The plants and the walls around it made it only visible from the neighbor's house. The walls even prevented much of the sounds that were normally generated by people enjoying such a pool from reaching anybody that might be interested! I remember, as a teenager, being at home and not hearing neighborhood pool parties that I knew that the Kurtz's were throwing."

My companion, my lover, smiling at me, reaches over and caresses my face. I bend into her caress, pressing my cheek against her hand and I kiss the palm of her hand as it comes within reach of my lips.

"About the time of my break-up, the new family that had bought the place had moved in. It was a young couple, in their mid twenties, newly married, Julius and Kimberley. They still live there, although they now have a baby daughter as well. I even heard that they are expecting another baby soon!" I smile to myself a knowing smile of oh-so-sweet memories, but those memories shepherd other darker memories of my missing baby flooding back as well and my face, again, goes blank.

"By the way, my parents still don't think much of me calling Jules and Kim by their first names, but that is how I think of them. They are of my generation, or just a few years older, not my parent's generation. I call people my age by their first names. That is just fine, don't you think? I'm not being disrespectful, am I?" I look to my bedmate for approval. I know that I will get it. She is older than what she knows Kimberley to be, and I call her by her first name, so she will not tell me to call Kim anything different. Besides, my lover cannot deny me anything and she and I both know it.

She nonchalantly leans toward me and kisses me full on the lips. Our mouths open, our tongues fight a minor duel and quickly become friends exploring each other's dwellings, I am ready to roll over on my back pulling her on top of me, but then, just as nonchalantly, she breaks the kiss and settles back to where she had started, leaving me wantonly wanting more. "Of course it is fine to call your Kimberley by her first name."

"Thank-you, dear sweetness!", and I mean it, although I would have meant it more if we had followed the direction where I had wanted to take that kiss of reassurance. "At any rate, we had gone over to welcome them when they had first moved in, taking to them the obligatory casserole so that they did not need to cook their first night in their new home, still so full of moving boxes and the like."

"My mother, when she saw the extent of the boxes, and upon hearing that Jules had to be at work the next day, had 'volunteered' me into helping Kim unpack, much to my chagrin. So, early the next morning, I was over helping Kim, the two of us focused on getting through the day, and the two of us, although both dressed in shorts and light tees, still covered in sweat and stinking to the rafters by that day's end!" Again, my soul mate and I laugh with each other at my story.

"Well, as we unpacked, we started talking, getting to know each other, small stuff at first, how I liked school, stuff like that. However, I now admit that I had an ulterior motive, I had lost my boyfriend but I was certainly NOT going to lose my pool, so I finally blurted out that I had always loved the pool that they now owned and that I would really like to use it that summer to sunbath."

Knowing what is soon to come in the story, my sweet sexy and oh-so-giving lover smiles a knowing smile, "and..."

"And Kim stopped and looked at me just as you just did, including the smile, and she said as innocently as she possibly could, which was NOT very much, that it would be a wonderful idea and that perhaps she could join me. Of course, at the time, I did not think twice of the issue. Nor would I today for that matter, although the reason for not being concerned by the strange reaction has changed over time. Back then, I had gotten implicit permission to use the pool as I wished and that was that!"

My back is hurting from lying in the position that I am in, so I roll onto my back, hunching my shoulders for a moment and then flattening out as completely as possible, the top of my head now pointing at my lover. This time, my better half can look down on an unobstructed view, albeit an upside down one, of my face, my shoulders, my breasts, my ribs, my stomach, my shaved mound, my legs, my feet, with only my actual vagina hidden by the actual 'Mons of Venus' swelling of my mound. I imagine the frustration that I must be causing her with such teasing, by my concealing while fully exposing.

I fold my arms across my chest and 'under' my breasts, which brings them full for her viewing pleasure due to the cupping that those folded arms cause. "Within days, Jules and Kim were settled in, and I was over there every day, from soon after Jules left for work in the morning until just before he was expected home in the evening. Just Kim and I." Here, I look 'upward' above my head at my lesbian sex partner, "and I loved it! She and I, alone together."

"At first, we both wore very sedate bikinis, nothing too risqué." My patient compatriot knows what is coming, but I decide to postpone her aural pleasure, opting to give her the longer version. I move my upper body up onto my elbows, this time bending forward at the abdomen. I happen to look down at the those brilliantly rich red sheets, now darkening to almost black in the fading dusk.

"We talked of everything, we talked of nothing, Kim and I. Where to shop for shoes, what actor or actress was hot at the moment, how the weather was nicer than where they had moved from. We quickly moved past the stage of feeling strange asking each other to apply tanning lotion onto each other and onward toward the stage of those wonderful feelings of soft female hands touching and kneading those oils into vast tracts of softer female skin. Eventually, she asked about boys! Admittedly, the first time that she did so, Kim had plied me with several glasses of sangria beforehand!" My lover and I both chuckle at that thought for we both know how I am an easy date on such occasions, 'get the girl drunk and then seduce her...'

"I told her about the breakup. She told me that she, also, had "done it' before marriage, and NOT with Jules. She, too, had given her virginity to some goof of a loser with whom she had soon parted ways. Our talks began to bring me back out of the shell of sorrow that I had built around myself. Kimberley told me that she had not regretted her decision to 'go all the way', not ever, and she convinced me that I should not do so either. We told each other how many boys that we each had 'had' and I was not embarrassed for being too low or too high compared to her. We lied to each other about all the famous people that we had been 'with'. Kim even told me, in fact she told me somewhat regularly, and in ever more graphic details, about her sessions with Jules on the previous nights. Then, one day while we had gotten slightly high while sharing a hash pipe, we told each other how sex was usually a disappointment and that was when the subtle change had started to occur. Looking back now, Kim had said, 'sex with boys' had been a disappointment and I had taken her comment to mean 'as opposed to sex with real men', only later, and not too much later, did I come to realize that she meant something completely different."

At that moment, the balcony lights, underwater of the calm infinity edge hot tub, turned on, casting ephemeral patterns of the softest shade of blue into our room and onto the walls, turning the red sheets to ones of pastel-purple light and jet-black dark regions. Still on my elbows, I marvel, with my sexy sweet soul mate at the magical beauty enveloping us. I am overcome with desire and I stretch my body backward and upward, turning my head as I do, in an attempt to bring my yearning lips to hers. She again acquiesces and bends forward toward me, our lips merging, our tongues renewing their mutual pleasure search, our eyes closed, our minds lost to lust.

I know that I have her. I could stop this silly 'sharing', this extraneous 'empathizing', this mindless 'merging of minds', this faulty 'flinging of feelings', or whatever other term that she likes to use. I know that she can no longer resist the physical for which my body has been screaming.

Still, I love her enough to realize that she does, indeed, thrive on more than just this physical bread alone. I know that she needs inundation in the waters of our shared emotions. I will not deny her this. I have been so wrong in wishing this sweet sharing, this beautiful bonding, away. This time, it is I who break the passion of the kiss. This time, it is I who break the promise of the so-near rapturous joy. I know that my desperate lover must continue feeding on my emotions and feelings. I pull away, turn again, and bring my fingers gently to her imploring lips. "No, not now, my precious one. That is for later. And it will arrive when it arrives," I whisper in volumes.

I quietly lay down and welcome her huddled body next to mine. As I engulf her in a hug, I feel her shaking, but with fear or excitement, or even just a chill from the breeze out of the deepening night, I know not. "Be calm my lover. I am with you always." I have so recently marveled at the transitory patterns of light and shadow, I now marvel at the lifetime of shared love that awaits her and I.

In a haltingly soft voice, "so, how did things begin to change between you and Kimberly?"

I look down at my tender charge, her head resting against the pillow of my breast, her face imploring up at mine. Usually, by now, she has taken over the narrative in our 'pas de deux'; I am worried about her obvious fragility tonight. "Well, one day, while we were on the pool deck, Kimberly told me that she thought that I shouldn't hide my body behind such conservative coverings as the bikini that I had been wearing. I admit that I had never really thought of bikinis as anything but 'daring', so for the first time in my half summer long friendship with her, Kim had shocked me. She then, while standing up, took my arm, and, while telling me that she was going to prove it to me, led me through the house toward her bedroom."

"That is not when she, Kimberley, seduced you, not yet, correct?" She raises her suddenly fidgety body from my grasp as I lay still.

"No, not just yet, but soon, my love, soon," I smile. "Kim took me to her dresser, 'mistakenly' opening her lingerie drawer, catching her 'mistake' and moving on while leaving that drawer partially open allowing me to see her collection of shear panties and thongs as well as her collection of 'toys'. I am sure that you know what I mean by 'toys', don't you?" My otherwise proudly naked lover was somehow embarrassed by the question; enough so to turn red and avert her eyes as she failed at suppressing a giggle. "Well, Kim next opened the apparently correct drawer and proceeded to pull out more than a dozen of ever skimpier bikini set after ever more provocative bikini set. She asked me if I would like to see how I looked in them, she and I having about the same body dimensions allowing for such an eventuality. At that, she told me that it would be fun and that she would join me, and with that, she removed her own bikini top, then her bikini bottom and then, now completely nude, reached for mine. I was dumbfounded just enough to be stripped naked by her and in front of her."