tagHumor & SatireMy Mouth Ain't Just for Talkin'

My Mouth Ain't Just for Talkin'


I've been making love for a long time, and in my first serious relationship I started experimenting with my mouth. I've always liked oral lovemaking, and I guess I must have figured it out by trial and error, but I've never had any complaints. It makes for a good change of pace, and it's great in foreplay and for those times when I got mine but she didn't get hers and I don't want to leave her shortchanged.

But recently, reading about it in Literotica stories, I became aware that I was going about it all wrong. So I carefully memorized the instructions, and last night I decided it was time to use what I had learned on my wife. This would be my grand demonstration, like the culmination of a grad student's scientific research project that would later be glorified and exaggerated in his doctoral dissertation.

I began by kissing my way down to her breasts, and made sure that I kissed my way down the outer curves before working my way to the nipples. This was a lot of work. She has two sides to her body, and two breasts, but of course I have only one mouth. I kissed down her left side, worked my way around her left nipple, and then went over to her right side and did the whole thing over. Then back to her left side, where I took the nipple in my mouth and sucked on it, then fluttered the tip of my tongue over it. All this while my left hand was stroking her right breast and then gently massaging that nipple with my fingers. Then I switched sides. So far, so good.

The next task was so lick my way down one side to her big toe, and after sucking that into my mouth I'd lick my way back up to a point just short of her crotch. Then I was to repeat the whole licking routine on the other side. I broke away from sucking her right nipple and started out on my licking journey. I'd got to about her bottom rib when she asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm licking my way down your body from your breasts to your toes, of course."

"What makes you think that I want you slobbering all over my body like that?"

"Hey, I studied up on this stuff, consulted the works of learned authorities on it. This is making you receptive to my advances, melding our two bodies into one throbbing, glowing bundle of excited nerve endings."

"What it's doing is getting me all slopped up with your spit. I can get a dog to lick me all over, but it's not something that's high on my priorities. Suppose you skip this step. What's next on your agenda?"

"Well, next I have to open up your outer lips, then your inner lips, and gaze at the wonders that lie within. Is that all right with you?"

"That seems harmless enough, but what's the idea? Do you think something new has grown in there since Saturday night? And more important, what's it supposed to do for me?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe it's sort of a sightseeing tour for me, to see what your stuff looks like and where it is. Sort of like checking the inventory. Because I have to go rooting around in there in the next step."

"Well, suppose you go straight to the rooting. By the time you get there with your schedule, I'll be either asleep or reading a magazine. Just remember to be gentle."

I assured her that she would be tantalized by the tenderest of touches, and got down to business. I laid my tongue out flatwise, the way it said in Lit, and gave a long lick. Something was wrong. I got asshole and hair. Why had those authors neglected to tell me that when you lick an asshole it tastes like shit? And the hair didn't seem to be moistened with dewy nectar, either. More like faint traces of stale urine and dried up pussy juice. I figured that Jen was the owner of all this territory, so maybe she could help me. "What am I doing wrong? It doesn't taste like the printed accounts. Am I in the wrong place?"

"What are you trying to do?"

"Well, if I do it right I'm supposed to be licking my way up toward the pretty pink portals of your pleasure palace, then working on in to your inner lips, and finishing up at the core of your very existence, your tiny, delicate love bud."

"All right, I guess I understand what you're talking about, so what's the problem?"

"To start with, I can't see what I'm doing down here. It's dark anyway, but my head blocks what little light there is. Besides, if I'm looking I can't lick, and if I'm licking I can't look. I need a tongue growing out of the bridge of my nose, not to mention a headlight in the middle of my forehead."

"Would it help if I give you a guided tour and point out some of the points of interest?"

"Anything you can do would be greatly appreciated. The only drawback is that if it's going to become an anatomy lecture, it will kill the spirit of romance. But I think that's already circling closer to the drain with every word. Maybe that's why the lovers in the stories always keep their mouths busy with licking and sucking, and don't say anything."

"Remember, the hero always finds his way around down there in the dark so he must have munched a lot of monkeys, but he had to start somewhere. The stories never tell you about their first tries, when they were just groping like you, stumbling around and crashing into things." She stopped and thought for a few seconds. "Before I begin this travelogue, tell me why all this is necessary. You've been warming me up with your hands and mouth for a long time, and I've certainly never complained. You even give me orgasms that way. Why all this new nonsense?"

"Well, I see your point, but the stuff I read said I was doing it all wrong. Like I didn't have my tongue flat. They made it plain that if a man really loves a woman, he'll lick her first with his tongue flat. I'm afraid I'm jeopardizing our relationship if I don't get it right."

"Here, let's trade places for a minute. Now you just lie there and don't move. I'm going to lick you with my tongue out flat. Here, I'll show you." She stuck her tongue out at me and let it drape down over her lower lip, headed toward her chin. After I'd seen that, she put her head down by my stomach and licked me a few times. "There. Now you tell me, what did that do for you?"

"Seemed slightly repulsive. Is that the way it seems to you?"

"Repulsive is a little strong, but it sure doesn't turn me on. Now I'm going to lick you the way you always do me. Ready? Here goes." She stuck just the point of her tongue out between her lips, and went down to my stomach again. She gave me tiny flicks with the point of her tongue, then brought her head back up and looked at me. "Now wasn't that better? Isn't that more dainty, more like something a lover would do to you?"

"Yeah, that was a lot better. But how have I been doing it?"

"Just like that. When you kiss me on my body, you do just that, you kiss me, and just before you leave a spot you give me a few little darting licks with the tip of your tongue. It tells me that you find my body appealing to you, sort of delectable, I guess. I like it. And when you do it in a sensitive spot, it turns me on."

"What about down between your legs? I'm supposed to suck your inner lips into my mouth, and then stick my tongue way down deep in your pussy. I know I haven't been doing that."

"Now let's get serious. If you had a face like a dog, say a terrier, your mouth would be way out in front of your cheekbones and all the rest of your face, and you could reach into my pussy to get the inner lips in your mouth. But you aren't built like that. And your tongue isn't that long, either. How far can you stick it out of your mouth? An inch, maybe a little more? The head of your cock is that big, and you know that when that's just barely in me it feels good for both of us, but it isn't making any bells ring.

"You usually start off with your fingers. Then when you put your mouth down there, you give a few little licks to sort of find out where you are, and then you move up to my clit. You lick around it till it starts to come out of its hood, and then you give it a few little flicks with the tip of your tongue, and that really gets me going. Then you lick around it in a circle, and give it a few jabs here and there. Then if you're trying to get me off, you suck my clit into your mouth, between your lips, and then you really give it a good licking all over till I come."

"But I'm not doing all those other things. You're losing out, you're missing so much. I just . . ."

"Look. That's very sweet of you, but I'm not complaining. Don't try to make love to a website. Just keep on making love to me, all right? You've already found out how to keep me happy. Stick with it. Keep doing it the way that gets results. If I think we're getting stale, I'll tell you. Remember Billy Joel? When he tells his wife not to try to change herself for him, what does he finish with, do you remember?"

"I love you just the way you are."

"There, you see? That's just what I'm trying to tell you. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! Now kiss me."

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by Anonymous

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by A_Bierce10/27/17

'Fess up!

Y'all's name is really Dave Barry, right?

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