My Obsession with Jade

The last night of August I borrowed $100 from Marty, and had to listen to another speech before he would let me go. I went straight to the Gemini Club, arriving just after eight. The crowd was thin but starting to build up.

Andy was standing near the bar and grabbed my arm as I passed. "She ain't here, cupcake," he said, a trace of a smile on his face. "She's gone."

"What do you mean gone?" I said. Gone is such a terrible word.

"Her and Teena skipped out, lover boy. Left for Vegas today. Had a take-it-or-leave-it offer from a guy out there, so they're gone. Went for the bigger better deal."

As a kid I had a Springer spaniel that was run over near our house. Now came the same numb this-can't-be-real feeling that I had had when my parents told me about it. Life isn't supposed to be this way. A beloved pet shouldn't die like that; a woman that you love so much it hurts shouldn't just vanish like that.

Andy leaned back to Mike the bartender and said, "Hey, give us two beers."

Mike drew two beers from the tap and handed them to Andy. "Come over here," he said.

We sat at a table with our beer. Andy said, "Look, junior, what did you think was gonna happen? You think you would take Jade away from all this? Move out to the suburbs, let her pop out a couple of babies and be a mom? Is that what you thought?"

"I don't know," I said miserably. "She didn't even call me! Did she say anything? I don't understand!"

Andy took a sip of beer. "I mentioned you to her last night when they were packing up here. She said you'd just get upset, so best to make a clean break."

He paused and then went on, "And if you're thinkin' about followin' her out there, remember this. She never even picked up the phone before she left. Does that sound like someone who wants you with her?"

As reality sank in, the tears began. Knowing that a guy bawling his eyes out would put a damper on the festive mood in the club, I rose and left, saying a hurried, "Thanks Andy."

I got into my car and drove several blocks. I pulled into a parking lot where no one was around and cried inconsolably. Afterwards, as I drove home, colors and sounds all seemed muted and dull. I went to bed and slept almost 14 hours.

That fall I worked full time at my father's Staples, managing to save enough to go back to Missouri for the spring semester. I endured a lot of pitying looks and much shaking of the head from Marty and my parents. You should be ashamed, their eyes said. I tried to visit Kayla but she refused to open the door.

None of them understand. I can't tell them that I still love Jade, and in a way always will. I can't tell them that if I had it to do over, I would do exactly the same. I'd spend every penny I had, would suffer the taunts and contemptuous looks, just for her.

Of course Jade broke my heart. I guess it was inevitable. But that just makes my memory of her, the yearning I still have for her, all the more bittersweet. That summer I experienced something more intense than I will ever feel again. Call it fever, or obsession, but for me it was a kind of pure love. The kind that isn't rational and does not ask for love in return. Love that is its own reward. Have you ever loved someone that way? Go ahead, tell the truth. Have you?