My Prison

Again this has no sex so I must apologize to those looking for it.

I write this in an effort to bring some sense to the events of my life and explain my situation. This is based on true events of my life. I make no apologies as it has left me in despair and I am need of a friend. Trouble is, as you will read, I tend to move too quickly.

My previous attempt was more a flood of emotions that I needed to release. That and the feedback I received have prompted me to put this together which is more a tail of how I got to be where I am now. Thoses looking for more info on me or her will be disapointed as I choose not give that much detail, sorry.

This response I received in particular prompted this writing. Thank You whoever you are! This one is for the 'clear ur soul' part of me.

"U have potential to be a good writer..I feel your pain..write again..whether to clear ur soul r for the joy of it..hold on and keep on..Peace"

My Prison

I haven't even met her, I mean face to face. She was just a soft and soothing voice on the other end of a cell connection or some kind and tender words in email and chat. It didn't take long for me to get lost in the attention of someone new and to reciprocate accordingly. After all it had been 20 years.

That was to be my downfall for I am a married man. I have a wife, 2 children, 1 cat, a parrot, a house and cars, and all the usual things that go along with a life in suburbia. My life is not much different that the guy next to me except that I have been living in this prison for 20 years. This is a self imposed prison, mind you. I created it to avoid being alone for the rest of my life. You see, my wife had an affair over 20 years ago. How long it lasted, I am not sure but what I do know is it at least spanned the conception and birth of our second child. Because of this and the fact that her lover was my best friend I was destroyed. The two people I trusted most in the world outside my parents had deceived me. Had taken my trust and love and used it to deceive me. The prison I built consisted of my neat little world of no friends. Oh, I had neighbors and work associations but I would not let any close enough to be called a friend again. Not even my brothers or sisters. That in itself was not good for now, I have no one to turn to and share and confide in. A recipe for disaster and you can trust me on that.

It's now 20 years later and I am still with my wife. I used to tell people, and myself, 'look how long we have been together', it must be true love. True Love, I don't even know if it exists for me any more. I know it did once, once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away.

But now, all I have is a life I sentenced myself to because I was going to be responsible for the children I brought into this world. I am a Father and I am a Dad. I wanted to be part of their lives and not at the edge but the center as it should be. So I stayed. I sometimes wonder about this decision. Was it worth it? I am now turning 50 years old and my life is normal from an external viewpoint but internally, inside me? I am a mess. I need some tenderness and understanding and physical contact. Touching, cuddling and so forth. These are things that I desperately need and I am not getting. To feel a woman's soft body snuggle into mine as I wrap my arms around her and here her purr in contentment like a cat. To pamper her by giving her a foot massage after a hard day on her feet. To enjoy some simple things, things to be shared by, dare I say, Lovers?

Well, I thought I met her. I thought we were getting along well. But that's the way it is with me. I, as I always do, got wrapped up in it and didn't realize her complications and the things being asked of her by me. I am married, she is divorced and to top it off we work for the same company. Our offices are separated by 1500 miles. I guess that was a good thing. This kept us from running headlong into each other at high speed, something we managed to attempt anyway. We just never collided, really. I know in my heart that if I had been able to look deeply into her eyes in the first few days or taste of her lips just once, I would have done or given anything to keep her. As it was, she came to her senses long before I did and took steps to protect her self from my advances. I'm not sure and I guess I'll never know for now she is cool and distant as she should be professionally to me. She is right, of course, but I don't have to like it I just have to respect it. And I do.

I would love to tell you more about her. I believe she is a wonderful person with tremendous spirit and determination. But because I respect her privacy I will not divulge any information about her except to say she is my junior by 6 years.

I guess I need closure with her. She stopped responding to me and shutdown. I guess this is her defense mechanism and I have no idea if my assumptions are correct. I do believe they are, based on some conversations we had near the end. One other thing I should mention is I believe I had fallen in love with this woman, this angel. I believe that this was the greatest contributing factor to our falling out. I realized that I had indeed fallen for her or was in the process and began acting on my feelings, big mistake. What I had hope was turning into a relationship was now crashing in around me. My actions only served to push her away from me and not bring us together as I had hoped. What was once cute and playful between us was no longer that. She no longer called me on her way to and from work and we chatted less and less. I guess this is an all too familiar theme in one-sided affairs.

Now that I have reopened my heart, for she stormed my castle and brought down my defenses, and I am hurting again. I have feelings I have not had in many years. I will do my best to suppress what I feel as I can see this is what she wants, what she has to have. I can not think about myself and have to consider her wishes and needs. I also must not jeopardize her position with the company. I must remain professional in regards to her and our interactions. This may be a task that will challenge me but I will, for her sake, not fail in meeting it. It now seems that this will not matter as she has a new job looming in her future and is leaving the company in less than 2 weeks. We have chatted in IM, as this is our only means to communication now, and I wished her the best of luck with her new job. I did my best to be up and not let on that it was killing me. I guess I was convincing enough for she did not suspect anything of my condition.

My task now is to repair my sad little world. Get back to a place where I will be safe from the emotional attacks of others. I really am growing tired of this. Everyday is a struggle. I would bury myself into my work but she is there and I worry that I will slip and cause her problems. Everyday I guess it becomes a little easier for me but then there are some days that no matter what I do I can not get her out of my thoughts but I guess that is the nature of Love.

I wish to thank her for giving me a week or two of happiness. For just a short period of time she gave me hope that there is someone out there who is in need of the things I have to offer and can give me the things I have missed for so long. I just hope I can live like this. It has been such a long time since I have been this exposed and I am not sure if I can take it. Only time will tell. I do know that I will need help. I only hope 'I' can allow someone to help me before it is too late.