tagReviews & EssaysMy Search for Him

My Search for Him


After reading many religious books of Indian sages, I have come to the conclusion that a human always tries to find love in worthless worldly things. One goes here and there but never gets satisfaction, therefore one should try to gain it from God who never breaks our heart, never wishes evil about us, or never behaves badly towards us. He is the only perpetuate flow of love and compassion and joy. We find pleasure from sex but only for half an hour. After climax it ends. But with God, we always enjoy climax until doom's day. To me, this sounds more interesting and my love for spirituality increases day by day. Each saint stresses on observing Brahmacharya. (I can't find exact English word for it. It means neither celibacy nor chastity. These both contain restricted meanings. A Brahmacharya observer is prohibited from not only having sex, but also masturbation and a single thought about sex. It also bans wasting a single drop of semen which is considered equivalent to a thousand drops of blood.)

Because one of my aims is to live as a disciple of my Guru in Ashram, I have a desire to experience Ashram life for a few days. As I am currently in school, summer vacation is the best time for me. I have surfed different sites on the internet about Ashrams in India for three months. I would like to give priority to those which take no charges for their accommodations and meals. My Dad is greedy and as a student I have no money except 2000 rupees for buying a web cam, as I feel that this was the right choice. I always type the words "ashram accommodation free" in the search box when I am surfing. At one time I was fascinated by Rajanish and I wanted to spend time at the Osho Meditation Resort. However, after finding out what the cost of staying there would be, I had to curb my imagination to dream about it. I have some doubts about their profitable approaches. Why do some Ashrams concentrate more on money instead of worship, faith and devotion? Sometimes I firmly believe that Ashram is a place for business like any industry, but the difference is that, through Ashram you do not need to do any hard work for collecting money. Only befool gullible people and be a millionaire in a short time! I have found many places where true devotees were always invited without any expectations (of donations). As my point of view, money should not be a hindrance between God and true devotees. Many organizations run successfully without begging for money and generous people never forget to donate. It is a different thing if a saint wants to live a more luxurious life, then he needs more financial resources. Therefore he never forgets to collect his money.

First, I searched Aurobindo Ashram, Delhi; which was my criteria. I sent a visitor's form. Days later I was told to give the purpose of my visit, which I had already written in the form and it might not satisfy them. I sent the form again with the purposes given. Later I got mail stating that Ashram was already booked, so they had no more openings for anyone. I wondered, if it was already booked, then why did they want to know the purpose in more detail. They could tell me 'no' the first time. I was very frustrated. Others ashrams are free but I don't know about their beliefs. My second attempt is the place where money comes first. However, I have sent them a letter stating that I have nothing to pay, but that I would gladly work there. They sent an answer. The money is a must. For my third try, I chose the Buddha Meditation Centre. At this place the money is required, but all of the accommodations were booked already.

In many vain attempts, I have applied where everything is free. But some perceptions of them are against my principle; such as, mantra chanting is the way to reach God and some ancient Hindu rules, such as, bathing an idol in milk, wastage of flowers to decorate idols, etc. Because my days are passing fast and I am clueless after three failed tries, I have filled in another form where I have been permitted to stay for fifteen days. I am feeling true joy in my heart. My much awaited dream is going to be fulfilled.

To save money, I have journeyed in General Coach (somewhat like third class). General Coaches on Indian trains always overflow with passengers as it is the cheapest way to travel. Sometimes even one person can't find space to stand! At regular periods I witnessed some intense fighting for the seats. There are not any safety rules that exist. Passengers have to swing near the coach's outer door, their bodies partly in the train and partly in the air! At one point in time, some of the passengers had to sit on the toilets. Toilet sitters have a closed toilet seat by the window glasses, (which have been detached from windows) so two more people can seat there. Due to this arrangement, we have to curb our natures call! When it becomes uncontrollable, passengers request toilet people to empty it for some time!!!

The coach was full with rats, cockroaches and mosquitoes. A continuous flow of eunuchs and beggars continued to harass us and light our pocket! If one denies a eunuch, he has to listen to the worst Indian slang! Moreover they show their immature sexual organs!!! Their price is fixed, ten rupees per person, not one rupee less is accepted. Travelling is full with this type of nuisance. Passengers must be careful about their luggage, because it may be stolen at any time. Generally in general coach, twenty five percent of passengers travel without any ticket, which means free of charge. The ticket checkers hardly come, so people are habitual with this free travelling in India.

Let's move to the Ashram. I was given a twin sharing room. Toilets are common for each floor's inhabitants. First day is passed in learning the daily programs. My other reasons for this visit are: (1) I am fed up with selfish and loveless persons who engulf me twenty four hours, (2) I am hungry for one loving sight, and (3) I want to search my mentor, guide, spiritual teacher, source of love for me, who never forsakes me in this torturous world. I have hoped that saints who have a sole goal to find God and to follow His path will be full of affections and compassions. (My another hope is to eat sweets!) This Ashram's daily programs contain nothing new. They are full with mantra chanting which I dislike the most. Very few people present in it. There are also about four times daily, a worthless idol worship in which they waste beautiful flowers, holy water of Ganga river and most importantly; time. From all these, I am interested in guessing which saint wears which type of underwear; brief, thong, boxer, loin and so on. When they bow to their idols, their apparels stick to their buttocks and I can see the outline!!! Another personal liking of mine is the offerings after each worship, which consists of sweets and fruits!

Another famous place for visitors and the saint of that Ashram is the audio and visual library which is situated in a fully air-conditioned hall. Each day at noon time, when the sun is at its peak, the library is full with saints and visitors. In this flock, one saint comes only for enjoying the cool environment. He sits leisurely wearing ear plugs in both ears. His legs are open wide so as to feel the cool air in his private parts, he partly reveals his lungi (clothing which covers waist to foot). From that position, I can enjoy his boxer wearing fat thighs!!! One day the A.C. was off, so he ordered me to turn it on!

Sometimes I wandered near the Ganga bank where travellers walk deeply within to free themselves from their sins. Usually men are in their underwear and I enjoy watching them a lot, especially those with a big bulge between their legs. Women bathe fully clothed, and sometimes in a blouse and petticoat. They are always very shy. Even when they abandon this trait, Indians don't permit women to bathe in the Ganga wearing a bikini. Whenever I go there, the bathing males make me horny! I pass the hours staring at them. Sometimes, when I pledge that I will never break my vows of brahmachary, I try to divert my mind from the bathing people. One day a foreign woman is bathing in the river at a lonely bank. The people who passed by there, stared at her like heroine in an adult film!

The day came when my roommate left the Ashram. I silently wished that none would come till the next day. The reason was that I wanted to spend the whole night naked, which is a chance that I never get at home. (Readers may find it weird.) My plan was that I would spend the whole night in masturbation and ponder about intercourse. However, I wasn't lucky and before evening came, a south Indian entered the room. I had to cancel my whole plan. His face and body wasn't attractive.

I would like to share more information about this fellow. Why he is visiting Ashram, I can't suppose. During the whole day, he would stroll in town and when he was in the room, he would cut some important news clippings from the newspapers with which he had journeyed to the Ashram. He had three bulky dictionaries and plenty of ayurvedic medicines which he takes everyday in the quantity of a full breakfast! (If he read this, what will happen with me?) I find his one habit really strange. Whenever he comes in the room, he takes off his briefs. During the night time, he sleeps with his hands crossed and this posture creates a bulge on his bosom. This time I desired to sleep with him, but as usual I never have the guts to follow through!!!

You are definitely thinking, I have done the only sensuous thinking during my stay. But it is not true. I have known about Shri Paramahansa Yagananda, but never read about him. I got that chance in the Ashram library. In my whole life, the first time I read his writings in a magazine, I fell deeply fall in love with his philosophy. By reading about him, again I have vowed to never think about sex and to surrender myself to Him. They were the best days in my life. He emphasizes 'meditation' so I have started it to find God by it. In this period of time, I bathe in the Ganga wearing my loose boxers. My mind is telling me to masturbate in the cool river but I control myself and throw out that sexual thought. When I come out from it, I feel like I am a winner of a Great War which has played between my inside dilemmas, whether to rub myself or not.

My days did change suddenly. Everyday as the library opened, I went in and started to read Yogananda's books until it was closed. I accepted him as my spiritual Guru. Though I have changed my Guru very frequently, I have decided that he is my last Guru until my death. He has everything that I want in my mentor. I do not need any more worldly sufferings and mortal pleasure. I have connected myself to him. Due to this change in my life, my remaining days in Ashram pass very nicely. I am satisfied with my trip, as my goal to realize MYSELF is fulfilled.

However my pledges and vows don't last long. As I returned my home, I forget what I have promised. I desperately need to watch porn videos and read Literotica. In this violent battle, I am defeated completely. I indulge my self in the realm of erotica. I want to retrieve my Ashram vows. During this time my mind can't accept the philosophy of Paramahansa. He tells that God will always love you and be with you. But how can I believe this? He never comes in my bed to sleep with me, to plant a kiss on my whole body, to gently massage my back when I weep in mental pain and unbearable sufferings. However I have a full faith that one day, in human flesh, HE will come and never go...


I owe a great deal to meathead96 for editing it

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