My Story (Becoming Not Straight)

I remember my first time with a girl, I had met her through a friend and it was nice, but I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. It was always like that. I had a lot of trouble in high school "hooking up" with girls. I also remember another night when I felt like I was stuck going to a dance with this girl - disastrous night; long story short, I was very uncomfortable all the time trying to fit in and date like everyone else. There was always something wrong with me, or at least I thought, that was until I was 21 and had a night I will never forget.

I entered a time in my life that should have been very fruitful but I was fucking it all up. Picture this: I'm 21, living on the beach in south Florida, hanging out in a cool bungalow I rented with my older brother and his girlfriend, had a good crew of young, crazy, cool, and fucked up friends. We frequently hit the Fort Lauderdale scene, the South Beach (Miami) scene, and having another brother that lived a short road trip away in Key West, we hit that scene too...fuck I had it all...or I should have had it all...and for nearly two years of living that kind of life my grand total of fucks, sucks, macks, or any other kinds of action was zero. I was struggling. I tried to date, but it felt as uncomfortable and unnatural as ever. I really thought eventually I would have a break through and get over the awkwardness of it all; little did I know I would, just not in quite the way I expected. There's a bit of a story to this; I'll explain.

I ended up at a club one night with a gay friend of mine when he saw an ex-boyfriend or just some guy he knew - there was definitely a past between the two of them - so he gets visibly uncomfortable and asked if I could just hold hands with him and pretend that we're together. Okay, no problem, help the guy out. Fast forward to a while later when the same guy ends up coming over to us while we're sitting in an outdoor patio area; he was with some friends and they were all being dicks. He ended up asking if we were with each other and my friend said yes. I guy asking was kind of being an asshole to us, so I went with it, again, no problem, help a guy out. He didn't seem convinced so I leaned over and gave my friend a peck, nothing more, nothing less. Seeming satisfied or maybe unsatisfied that he couldn't get under my friend's skin, he went away. My friend thn turned to me and said he was surprised I would stick up for him like that, or more accurately, in that way. It really wasn't a problem and I told him that. Done, end of story right? Well not quite.

We ended up getting a couple more drinks, relaxing, and this is where my recollection is a little fuzzy. I don't remember our conversation or the timing of it all or anything, but I'll try my best.

At some point we ended up in another outdoor area that had a cool lounge vibe to it. We're chilling with a couple of drinks and my friend notices a drag queen sitting alone at a table. I forget why the drag queen was even important; I think my friend wanted a glow necklace that apparently the queen gave out during her act. Being shy, he didn't want to ask for one himself so I took the lead and went over. We talked and I found out she came to the club on the wrong night and therefore didn't in fact have a show that evening. I asked politely for a glow necklace and she gave me one. I think I complimented how nice she looked and I may have even given her a little kiss. Finished with my business and mission accomplished, I went back to me friend and gave him his new necklace.

You probably thinking that for a supposedly straight guy I was teetering the line, and maybe I was. I don't know when, but at some point things began to change for me. It may have been there, a little later, when we held hands, but I think it was even earlier.

I left out the details of how we ended up at the club together, so long story short; we were out as a group earlier that evening at the very same club and everyone wanted to go home early, I didn't feel like ending the night that soon and when all of us drove back to my place and the others made plans to head home, I was thinking I wanted to head out again. I thought two or three of them would be up for heading back out, but in the end it came down to just me and the one guy that I ended up going out with. If I recall the ball was set in motion by that point, because I remember being a bit excited at the opportunity to go back to either that club or another gay club with only this guy. I don't recall how much I felt it or specifically what I felt, but I definitely was feeling a bit dizzy with excitement about it being just the two of us hitting the gay scene. Was there someone (me) in my closet? Did I even have a closet? Let's get back to the story.

A while later, we were back inside the main club at this point, my friend, again being shy, or coy, or maybe he was working me at this point; the more time I have to reflect on it I really do think he was working me. And you know what? No big deal. I think I wanted to be worked. In fact I hope he was for a couple reasons. For one, it means that he was more of a player and less shy and helpless then I originally thought - good for him, and secondly, if he was working me it was because he was attracted to me and wanted me - good for me. Any way, we're back in the club and apparently we just missed a show of male dancers and they were giving out CDs and other stuff. Disappointed, or maybe he was working me more, he asked if I would go over and see if one of the dancers had any left over stuff to give away. He didn't and I went away, but not before complimented him too, by telling him he was cute and giving him a kiss.

There I was with my gay friend, in a gay club (a dance club that although was gay, was very straight friendly), I'd walked around holding my friend's hand pretending to be his boyfriend, even given him a kiss, I'd flirted with a drag queen (giving her a kiss too), and I'd flirted with a mostly naked male dancer; where on earth was this going? Where ever it was I can honestly say that being there represented something that was a bit taboo for me, a source of arousal, and more importantly, I was at a place where I was stripped down to nothing, me naked so to speak. What I mean is that this was me without societal, family, or any traditional expectations as baggage. I was in a sense free to be myself and these were the choices I was making, the most honest me, and it was blazing a path that was taking me from the straight world into this new world, but I digress.

Again, all the details and the timeline are not perfect, but by this time I was beginning to get aroused, excited, horny, nervous, a bunch of things. The important thing is that I was into it. I don't know what I thought was happening or where it would lead, and prior to that I had never had a homosexual thought or feeling, and I wasn't

sure I was completely at that place yet, but I was feeling all those things I just mentioned and it was like a new drug. Looking back, I think it was the most erotic moment of my entire life.

Back to the club, my friend, and me. We ended up dancing, standard dance floor separation that you do with friends or strangers. Slowly with each song we got closer and closer. The dancing and the music might have been fast, but we were definitely engaging in a slow dance with each other. So after a while we're pretty much friction dancing and I'm even grabbing his ass. That's when I started to want it. I was very close to the point of thinking, "I would go any where to fuck this guy." I don't know if you can imagine what going from not ever having an inkling of homosexuality to practically wanting to fuck this guy right there on the dance floor was doing to me, but there you have it. I had a full fledge boner at this point, pre-cum is already staining my underwear. This I remember.

Was I gay? Maybe that's why I'd been so uncomfortable, awkward, and bad with women? Most of the time it had been in a sort of force manner, almost like it was against my will, so maybe this did mean I was gay. Or was I bisexual? It didn't really matter. I was 21 and would have fucked a signpost, so maybe that's all it was. Okay, probably there was more.

We ended up sitting down for another drink, and I think this is when I breached the subject and told him I was hot and bothered in not so many words. If I recall he said he wasn't sure or didn't really believe me (working me again, now I'm sure of it), so he asked me to kiss him (just like he asked me to go along with it and hold his hand, and go along with it and pretend I'm his boyfriend, yeah, he was working me). He asked me to kiss him, but not a quick peck; I think he said, "I don't believe you. If you're into this then kiss me for a least 20 seconds." So I did, we did. I've always been a big fan of making out, and really what's the big difference? Making out is making out. Sure some people are better kissers than others, but generally making out is making out. So we made out, it was no big deal. He was a fine kisser. I was horny, loving it, and practically creaming my pants; I wanted to get out of there with him and jump his bones and I told him that.

We made out some more and started thinking: your place, my place? He mentioned that he wished he was a little more prepared - he had some creams or something - looking back with a more experienced mind, he was probably taking about lubes, condoms, and that kind of thing. He didn't want to go back to his place (lived with his parents?) and I didn't want to go to mine (my brother and his girlfriend were there and I wasn't about to come out of the closet by waking them up via loud vigorous man on man sex), so we ended up finding a parking lot to "park".

Details, details...basically I was bursting out of my pants with a giant hard on, which I told him about. I undid my fly, at his urging, took in out and he began giving me a handjob as we're still driving down the street. We found a place to park, Fort Lauderdale is not an easy place to find public alone time, and we continued. He's stroking me and then he's going down on me...I was so close to cumming, swimming in ecstasy. I may have been fondling him too by this time, but at some point he asked if I wanted to try going down on him. This is the only slightly disappointing part of the evening. I put my mouth around his cock and took as much of it in and tried to savior his manhood, but I really wasn't into this part of it. I sucked on his cock for about 10 or 20 seconds and it wasn't doing any thing for me. I say it's disappointing because I've gone down on a few more guys in my time and I really like it; sexually it's one my favorite things to do. I guess with everything so intense, sudden, and new, I wasn't ready yet.

He continued, alternating between giving me a handjob and a blowjob until I was at the point of now return. He gave me a couple of last strokes and I came more intensely than I ever had before or since. I shot cum clear over my shoulder, onto the inside roof of the car, and into the back seat. He was in awe. I was too. Seriously, if it weren't for the ceiling of the car it would have gone six feet in the air. Now that was an orgasm!

Alternative ending one:

Since then things have changed for me. I've had sex with other men and with a couple of women too. I guess this makes me bisexual, but as I get older and feel more free to be who I want to be and who I am, I don't know. I think I'm just sexually fucked up. Most people would say it's confusion, I'm not so sure. Most straight people would tell me that I'm definitely gay and most gay people would probably tell me I gay too. I think it goes beyond confusion or being one or the other though.

The facts are, and this will give you an idea of where I'm at: I'm still attracted to only woman physically, just looking at a guy does nothing for me. I see attractive woman everyday. Some are sexy, some cute, some hot, it doesn't have an end; but no guy has every caught my attention in that way at all - they're just guys. But the thought and opportunity to have sex with a man is a turn on for me. And maybe the difference is being desired. With women I don't often feel like they desire me, while most gay guys might not desire me, I do know that I can hang out in a gay bar and hook up, or I can go online and and hook up with a guy within an hour. So it could be that it's just the path of least resistance, but I know there's more to it.

So a guess part of me is very much like the traditional role of women, I'm more comfortable being pursued. This whole male goes after female thing is out of my comfort zone and I'm pretty bad at it. So when I step into a gay bar I feel excited because I'm there to have guys hit on me, to get attention from them, like a straight women. I'm not implying that this makes me any less of a man; it's just how I'm wired. Let me give you some back-story of my wiring and what turns me on when I'm in need of release.

I don't know if I was sexually abused we I was very young or not, I have my suspicions, but I can't prove it. I did have what some experts might consider peer on peer abuse. I don't remember how old I was, but I was pre-pubescent, maybe nine or ten, and it happened a few times. A friend of mine talked me into taking turns sucking each others dicks. We were so young I don't even know if we called it that, I think he just asked, "you want to take turns putting our dicks in each other's mouth?" Something like that. What matters is that we did this a few times, I couldn't even get hard yet I was so young. I then innocently asked my brother if he wanted to do it, he said no, told some of the kids around the neighborhood, and for a brief time the other kids called me dick-lick. My humiliation began.

I think my friend was sexually abused and was acting out with me; I was an agreeable sort, so he knew to approach me. Hey, it happened, I don't have any bad feelings about it and I think my friend was just a confused and abused kid, and I happened to be there. No big deal, except whether abuse in my young life opened me up for him doing that with me, or whether abuse in his life or both helped precipitate it, it happened and it likely changed my sexual destiny.

I really believe that most gay people are born that way (for lack of better words), but some are, and again for lack of better words, made that way. The way I see it is most gay men (I'll tackle just the man side of things now, but I'm sure lesbians are much the same) clearly have a different body chemistry going on; a little more estrogen, a little less testosterone, that kind of thing. Their body is different from a straight person in a way that naturally has them attracted to the same sex. Then there are people whose wiring may not have been to be homosexual at birth, but through experiences; i.e. abuse, trama, etc... have been rewired to find an attraction and an attachment to someone of the same sex, and this is where I believe I stand. Although like most people and most situations it's a little greyer than that.

Here's a lark for you: I'm definitely physically attracted to women. I like to have sex with women, and I used to really pursue it; that has abated at bit in recent years, a little because of age (sex isn't everything to me any more - I'm looking more for companionship), and I had a pregnancy scare, which is not worth going into, but you can imagine under certain circumstances it can make a guy think twice about putting his dick in a woman. So there you have it: I'm attracted to women both physically and sexually, but you wouldn't believe what I masturbate to. Likely a function of my sexually frustrations, I more than dabbling in homosexuality, combined with too much Internet porn and the subsequence need to "up the anti" sexually; but I often masturbate to women who have flat chests or are hairy. What does this mean? Women who are flat in a way resemble a mans chest, but I'm not attracted to the bare torso of a man, just very flat, and believe me, the flatter the better. Sometimes that comes in the form of a very young flat girl and maybe there is something left over from my awkward teenage years there, but I can't say. And hairy, what's that all about? I'm not talking about having a big bush of pubes (which is fine), I like armpit hair and on a certain women leg hair isn't bad either. There is also my pension for lesbians; not the garden variety porn lesbians that most men jerk to, who are mostly just two very hot, heavily surgically enhanced, straight women who are getting paid to play a role. I'm attracted to real lesbians; ones with imperfections and a real and deep passion for other women. I just like gay, it's sexy.

Let's take a step deeper into my sexual brain. You know what other kind of women I really like? Transsexuals; more specifically, pre-op transsexual (MTFs). That's right, women with dicks. When I get horny and the only way of release is masturbation, a beautiful woman with a nice cock does it for me. Fucked up enough for you? Imagine being me.

What about guys? I already stated that I'm not physically attracted to guys, but am I sexually attracted to guys? Do I want to date and get in relationships with guys the way I do with women? That's a tough question to answer. For the most part I think no, but as always it's no with some grey area. The way I look at it, it is almost exclusively sexually, for my own sexually gratification. Don't get me wrong, if I'm hooking up with a guy I'm not a selfish lover, in fact my major turn-on when I'm with a guy is to make sure he gets off and is sexually satisfied. That's satisfaction enough for me. If he cums than I've done my job, I don't need to cum. I didn't yet mention that I've only been a bottom, and remember I do like to suck the cock

(I've recently had some desires to be a top, but that's another story). I'm such a girl when it comes to being with a guy. I want the guy to take me, put his dick in me, and fuck me. I'm subservient to him (I know, another layer of my personal psyche that should be properly analyzed). But it's more than that, more than being like a "girl", I'm like a person that has been abused (recall my childhood friend and my suspicion of earlier abuse). I don't have the self-confidence and proper sense of self-worth to lead a sexually healthy gay or straight life, instead I need to be desired and I need to satisfy, and I think that's what having affairs with men is for me. I don't ever want to pass myself off as being a gay person; there are many gay men who are out and proud of it and I don't want them wasting their time with me. It's not fair, so the best I can do is be honest and declare myself as a bisexually man. As far as potential relationships with another man, I'm not entirely closed off to that, because I may not be attracted physically to men, I'm attracted to gay men and there might be more to it than just a sexual attraction.

An update: I can say recently I've changed a bit again. I want to start dating men, normal stuff, dinners, movies, whatever; and hopefully someday I will have a boyfriend. This is a fairly new thought process for me, but there you have it again.

So this is why I'm here and I'm sharing this story. I'm a guy whose kind of straight, kind of gay, and a whole lot more. You figure it out and tell me, because I don't know. And what does my future hold? Something else I haven't figured out yet; but if I had a choice, which I suppose I do, I want to have more sex across the board - more sex with women and a lot more with men. I want to have sex with a transgender female, with a women who doesn't shave, a man who I can be the top. I want to cross dress, look like a beautiful women and have an agreeable man take my cross dressing virginity. I would like to try fucking a guy who is dressed like a cute women. I would like to strip for a room full of horny guys and then go down on all of them. I want to have a threesome or group sex with both mixed genders and all male - especially all male. I'm really happy I've discovered what wonderful and great lovers men are, and okay I admit, guys have cute butts and I love everything about the male genitals...cocks, testicles...I want to kiss them and suck them all, even just looking at a fine cock makes me happy. As you can tell, I'm not done yet and I'm very much not straight.