My Two Loves

Then it all fell apart about five years ago. I came home from running some errands to find Stu sitting in a chair in our kitchen with tears running down his cheeks. He stood and handed me a letter and walked into our room. I put the groceries and things on the table and sat down and looked at the letter. It was From Annabelle Jackson, Rafe's wife. Rafe was dead, killed in a head on wreck with a tractor trailer. She wrote that she knew Rafe would want her to tell me he had loved me until the end. She said he had told her about me from the start of their relationship. She said she knew we had been lovers since a year before either of us got married. She said she was able to live with it because she knew we only had sex five or six times a year on average. It was better than not having him at all. She said it had been a hard thing to live with for thirty years.

I had tears running down my cheeks too. Then I saw Stu walk out the door with a suitcase in his hand. He never said a word. His SUV started and drove away. Something fluttered to the floor. It was a wedding picture of Stu and I cut from a newspaper. It was folded and well worn.

Then it hit me, My Stu was gone forever. I knew I couldn't live with out him. My mind wouldn't function correctly. I kept thinking, 'he has just gone off for a while to the hardware store,' then it would hit me again, he was gone forever. I crawled in a corner and pulled a blanket over me. I couldn't stop crying. I heard the kids come home. They tried to talk to me but I couldn't face them, I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to die. Not over Rafe, I was very sad about that, but the loss of Stu was the end of my world.

I knew I was in a hospital. I knew the kids came to see me. I knew Mom came to see me. I was still crying.

After a long time I was sitting alone in a room. I was holding my eyes open with my fingers. A soft voice asked me why I was doing that. I said, "I mustn't close my eyes. If I do I see my Stu. Then I have to cry because I love him so much and I know I will never see him again because I hurt him so bad. He was my perfect husband and I killed all that. I wish I could die. I want to die. They watch me so close here I can't find a way to do it. Why won't they let me die?"

I felt a hand take mine. "Donna, this is Stu. Look at me. I still love you. I learned from Annabelle, I went to see her many years ago. I have known about Rafe for nineteen or twenty years. She said having you for 359 days a year was lots better than never having you at all. We knew the two of you loved us and would never leave us. I realize I will always love you. I want you back."

It WAS my Stu. I couldn't believe it was really him. Things started coming back for me. While he held my hand I could close my eyes. Just for a little while though. I had to be touching him to sleep at all. A week later I was strong enough to go home. That was like I said, five years ago.

Things are mostly back to normal. Both of my parents are gone now. I gave my share of the money from their estate to Annabelle. We never go back there anymore. Miami is our home now. I have some bad days now and again. Stu pulls me out of them. I feel such guilt about the years of hell I put my poor man through. I put myself in his place, I could not have lived with that. I am the world's luckiest woman.