Nearness of You

"Dan, we need to talk."

"No. We actually don't."

"Please, Danny. I want to apologize. Can I come in?" I didn't say anything and she quietly came in and shut the door.

"It's okay to be embarrassed, you know. I would be."

"Thank you. That helps a lot. I feel better."

"You know what I mean." She sat down on the bed across from my chair. I just kept reading. I repeatedly fell over the same paragraph as I tried to think of something else.

"Danny, what you were doing-"

"Don't," I said. "Please don't give me the 'Everyone does it. It's part of being a healthy person' routine. I really don't want to hear that. But thanks all the same."

"You think this is about the worst thing that could happen, don't you?"

"Sandy, what you saw...you saw me jacking-off. Should I explain how that feels?"

"Oh, I don't think you need to." She reached in the deep pocket of her robe. She tossed something on the bed next to her. I leaned forward to see what it was.

"I know what it's like," she said with a resigned grin. When I could see it clearly, I nearly coughed up a lung in surprise.

"Is that a dildo?" I leaned closer and blinked far more than would be considered normal. "Is that a fucking dildo?"

"That, little brother, is not just a dildo. That amazing specimen of space-age rubber and plastic is the finest dildo made for under 10 dollars. It also happens to be the one that mom and dad found when they were flipping my mattress. It is also the one that mom gave back to me and told me to make sure I was using lube or I could hurt myself. I was 16. THAT is embarrassment.

"I'm just your sister. Imagine if mom and dad both came in here and saw you abusing yourself like a monkey?"

"I think I actually feel better."

"Of course you do. Nothing helps like the even greater pain of someone else."

"You use that thing?" I said, pointing to the blue dildo on my bed.

"I used to. I keep it around for anytime I'm feeling down. This helps remind me that things have been worse."

"Mom told you to use lube?"

"Because other wise I could hurt myself. I think she was trying to be a hip, modern mother."

"Dad saw it too?"

"He didn't look at me for almost a week without babbling about understanding and wanting me to be free to try new things. Mom said it nearly killed him."

"I remember that. Dad had 'the talk' with me four times that week."

"So, there you are. Trust me when I say it's no big deal."

"What do you use now?" I asked her. I don't know what made me ask her.

"Excuse me?"

"I, uh-"

"You really want to take the conversation there?'

"I think the conversation pulled into that parking lot a few minutes ago," I said pointing to the translucent blue dildo.

"I guess so. Okay," she agreed. She took a breath and smiled as she huffed it back out through her nose.

"I use the bedpost."

"You use the what?" I almost screamed.

"Keep it down, Danny. I said, I use the bedpost."

"Oh, funny," I sneered. "You had me going." I started to read again.

"I hope so. It's true. I use the bed post. I like the bottom left post. I can look at my TV from there." I couldn't believe it.

"Right," I said. "If you're just going to make fun of me, then we'll stop talking about it."

"Whatever you say, Danny." She stood up and took the dildo from the bed, slipping it back into the deep pocket of her robe.

"When you're done with the book," she said, "bring it to my room. I want to read it in the morning."

"I'm almost done."

"Alright. Enjoy."

Despite her joke about the bedpost, I did feel better. After hearing about her dildo, having her walk in while I'm jacking off isn't so bad. I suppose it was bound to happen. I put it all out of my head and got back to the book.

I finished reading and was about to turn in for the night. I remembered that Sandy wanted it before she went to bed.

I checked the clock and saw that it was already past one in the morning. I pulled a robe on and stuck my head out the door. All the lights were off downstairs. Mom and dad had gone to bed. I saw the light on under Sandy's door. I tied the robe and walked across the hall to her door.

"Sandy?" I said softly. The light was on, but she may have fallen asleep. She was famous for just dropping off whenever she was tired enough. I knocked lightly and said her name again.

"Come in," she said gently. I barely heard her. I opened the door, making just a hint of a squeak on the hinges. I slipped in and nearly swallowed my tongue. Sandy stood, straddling the corner of her bed, facing me and watching the television that was right at my side by the door. Her naked body slowly fucked the corner post of her bed. Her body was shining with sweat. She rose up and slowly lowered herself over and over. Her hands held her large breasts. She was watching the television with rapt attention. The sound was off and I didn't even think to look at it.

"Shut...shut the...door," she said between breaths. I did. I never took my eyes off her. She was completely exposed. Her pussy was shaved bare and it was swallowing the slender length of the post. Her hand came down from her left breast and started to rub at her clit.

She started to moan and whine. Her bottom lip disappeared between her teeth. I was dumb-struck. I was no stranger to images of women having sex. Nor to the idea of orgasms. I had seen pictures and videos of just about everything. Theory was something in which I was proficient. But to be that close. To be right there, and to have it be my own blood. It was staggering.

My mouth just kept opening and closing as I tried to speak. Finally she came. She shook and her eyes opened like she was frightened and happy all at once. She slowly came down from her orgasm. Her breathing came back to normal. Her eyes blinked rapidly as she focused on the room again. She gently pulled her body up off the bedpost. Her pussy was gaping open for a moment. She carefully rubbed her hand along it and stepped around the post to stand in the room.

The soft lights made her look amazing. She had an ease with her body that is usually only for the very young or the very old. I was amazed. I watched a bead of sweat drip off one of her nipples.

"So," she said. Her breath was still coming in hard bites of air. "I think you believe me now." She smiled and went to open a window. She was still naked and glistening with sweat.

"Why - I mean-" I still couldn't get a coherent thought out. Everything was firing at once in my brain.

"Because I felt bad, Danny. And because you didn't believe me." She shrugged, making her body do several wonderful things all at once. "And maybe because it was kind of fun."

"I don't know what to say, Sandy."

"You don't have to say anything." She smiled and moved away from the window, letting the warm summer night fill the room.

I started to leave as I set her book down.

"You don't have to go," she said. "Sit. Talk with me."

"Uh, okay. Sure, I mean." I sat in the twin to the cushioned chair from my room. For the first time I looked to her TV.

"Oh, my God," I said. I was watching a movie of a woman I didn't recognize, and my sister's friend, Amanda. Amanda was a sweet, tiny, pretty girl with whom my sister had been best friends since before I could remember. I was watching as she let the woman plunge in and out of her pussy with a crazy looking red strap-on. Suddenly my world felt a little less normal.

"She gave a tape to some of us from the old gang. I think I'm the only one she's still friends with." She sat gracefully on the edge of her bed, her legs crossed tightly, cutting off my view of her pussy. Her big breasts jiggled as she laughed.

"This is really messing you up, isn't it?"

"No! I mean, it's different. But I wouldn't say it's messing me up." I went from looking at her, to looking at the TV to staring straight ahead and not knowing what to look at.

"So, understanding that this isn't messing me up, what it this?"

"I don't know. You just seemed like you needed to be shaken out of whatever it is that's making you so moody. It's not just me walking in on you today. I thought this might help. And like I said. I kind of wanted to do it."

"You're actually comfortable around me like that?"

"Yeah. I know you as well as I know anyone, so if I should feel comfortable around anyone, I guess it should be you."

I've never had a compliment that made me feel so small before. She had just told me one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to me, and I was staring at her tits.

"I've got other tapes if you want to see something different. I have a bunch of DVD's too. Or you can turn it off and we can watch regular television." She smiled again. "Whatever you want."

"What's going on Sandy?"

"Nothing."

"C'mon. Tell me the truth."

"Danny, I'm just trying to spend time with you. We won't be living here forever, and I want to spend time with my little brother."

"While sitting around naked and watching stroke tapes."

"Seems that way." Again, she smiled. That smile was starting to make me jumpy inside.

"Go ahead. Pick a tape and we'll watch it. We can talk while we watch. I never use the sound."

I reluctantly got up and started looking at the box of tapes she pointed to. They looked like a mish mash of slick, high quality stuff and homemade amateur work. There was one tape that had a photocopied cover, and a masking tape label.

"How about this?" I showed her the tape.

"Ahh," she said. "Okay. Put it in. I think you'll like that one." She laid back on the bed and turned on her side a bit. My mouth watered at what I was seeing. I quickly put in the tape and went to the chair. The tape was obviously shot on a cheap camcorder. The room it showed was a simple, stripped down motel room. I could see the "in case of fire" sign on the wall. There was a couch; flat, long, and narrow. It was three cushions, a back and four straight legs about six inches high. There was a short, rectangular coffee table and an end table with a lamp about even with the armrest. That was it. For an itchingly silent minute, nothing happened.

Then, with nothing to warn me, the tape jumped to the exact same shot, but on the couch was a young couple fucking. They were animals. The wall shook and made roiling shadows on its swirling, stucco surface. Just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. The tape blinked and the screen went blue.

I almost looked back at Sandy, but then it started again. Same shot as before. A time stamp flashed blankly in the bottom right corner. The girl from earlier ran around to stand in front of the camera. She kept talking to the camera, but she was naked and covered in paint. Blue, white, red, yellow, green, and swirling combinations of those colors. She reminded me of one of those multi-colored super-balls I used to get at the supermarket. I realized that the volume was up on this. I could hear the hiss of the speaker. It was silent on the tape. I wondered if that was on purpose or if it was just that cheap.

The screen went back to the empty room. I sat there, engrossed in the seemingly random scenes. One crazy sex scene after another came up. All with the same young couple. I saw the woman, completely unhampered by paint, costumes, blankets, or darkness. She had a sleeve of tattoos on her right arm that went up around her shoulder, down the side of her back, and down to her hip.

I was sitting on the edge of my chair. When the tape was about 30 minutes through, the couple had both of their faces to the camera. It was the first clean shot of the film. I could clearly see each one. He was fucking her from behind and she was grinning and making kissing faces at the camera.

"Oh, man. Is that..." It hit me as I was saying it what I was likely watching.

"That's right," came Sandy's voice from right next to me. She was kneeling next to my chair. I had completely forgotten she was in the room while I was watching one of the craziest and raunchiest porn tapes ever.

"That's Fred and Martha Sykes," I said.

"Yup," she said with a laugh.

"From the Button Hooks," I said. She handed me one of their CD's. She must have been waiting for me to catch on. There they were on the cover. The same snarling faces and crazy eyes.

"I thought they were -"

"They are," she said quickly.

"He's fucking his sister."

"He is," she said.

"Where did you get this?"

"It's been floating around. Most people think it's fake."

"This isn't fake. It's them. I've seen them up close. It's them."

"It goes on like this for two hours. It gets really weird towards the end." She reached out and clicked it off. The screen turned to blue and I felt like I had been jolted out of sleep.

"What are you doing?"

"Let's save the rest of it for later. Come in here tomorrow when mom and dad go to work. We'll watch more of it." She stood up and tossed the remote on hr bed. She was still as naked as could be.

"Really?"

"Sure. Now get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."

I just walked from the room in shock. It was too much. Pick any one of the weird things that had happened in that room. Seeing Sandy fuck her bed; seeing her naked and talking to her while she's naked; watching a porn film of her best friend and then one with a brother and sister fucking; pick any single one of those and it qualifies as the weirdest day of my life.

I went back to my room. I saw the light go off in Sandy's room and went down stairs to get something to drink. I moved in a haze.

What was she doing? I couldn't figure it out. I will freely admit that I had always had a kind of crush on my sister. But I think in some innocent way, all younger brothers feel that way about their older sisters. She was my model for the kind of girl I wanted. Smart, pretty, and she liked me. That was the kicker. I think you can't really love someone who doesn't feel right about you. Whatever it was, it was always in the back of my mind as a kind of approval thing. But why would she start acting like this all of a sudden? I couldn't figure it.

I was halfway back up the stairs before I realized it. I had a bottle of water in one hand and the cap was in my other. I walked quietly into my room and shut the door. I left the light off and crawled into bed. I took a final swig of water and sat the bottle on the night stand.

I don't know how long I laid there. I couldn't get her out of my head. I kept repeating the night in my mind. Her breasts were foremost in my thoughts. They were amazing. I was sure they could heal the sick, cure the dying, and give sight to the blind.

God help me, it wasn't right. It was wrong. I knew that. It was not the way a boy felt about his sister.

I wanted to touch them. So help me, I wanted to touch them. She was my sister, but I wanted to hold them. I wanted to feel her against me.

When I was 15, I had a girlfriend. It was a silly summer vacation romance at a family resort, but at that point it was Goddamn Casablanca. She was a local girl whose family owned a fairly prosperous diner in the town. This meant that she didn't have to work more than a couple days a week and she had a few dollars to spend. We would sit in the town's small, long closed drive-in theater and neck.

One day, she was eating an ice-cream cone I had bought her. It was melting faster than she could eat it. She tried, but at the end of it, she still had some on her chin and it was running down her neck. She didn't have a napkin and was upset that she was going to ruin her clean shirt. Before I knew what I was doing, I leaned over and licked it from her chin. She giggled. She raised her chin and gave me access to her neck. I licked and ate the running mess from her throat. She made laughing noises as I cleaned her up. I could feel her laughing inside her throat.

Her skin was hot and the ice-cream was gone. She kept her head back, not realizing I was done. I kept licking at her skin. I had never realized that something so simple could be so amazing. She tasted so good. We spent the rest of the afternoon just tasting each other.

It was more intense than anything we had done with each other all summer. It was what I wanted to do to my sister.

I wanted to taste her. I wanted to feel her skin. I wanted to run my hand back and forth over her amazing butt. I wanted to slowly run my fingers along the deep groove between her cheeks. I had to touch every part of her. Her lips, I thought. Oh, God, her lips. I wanted to feel them.

I woke the next morning as my parents were running around trying to get out of the house on time. They yelled a couple of 'goodbyes' to me as I came down and then they left. I stood in the kitchen a moment. I listened to the cars pull out of the drive and I thought about getting something to eat. Nothing sounded good. I didn't want food.

I went back up stairs and knocked on her door. She didn't answer. I knocked again. Nothing. I opened her door and stuck my head in. She was still asleep. Her legs poked out from her sheets on the side where she had pulled them away in the night. I came in and sat in the chair from the night before.

Sandy slept like an angel. No sound, no clumsy, slumber induced movements. She was naked under the sheets. Her breasts were revealed as she turned slowly on her back. I just watched her.

She woke up finally. Her eyes blinked and she wiped at her face with her hand. She saw me sitting there and smiled.

"Well, you're up early," she said. Her voice was soft and quiet as she came out of her slumber. She sat up, letting the blanket fall from her body to her lap. She made no attempt to hide her nudity, nor did she attempt to hold in her stomach as she sat prettily. Small folds of flesh creased her young belly. I wanted to kiss her so badly just then.

"Mom and dad woke me," I stated. "They just left."

"What time is it?" she asked in surprise.

"Just past seven."

"Jesus, Danny. We didn't go to sleep until around two in the morning."

"You can go back to sleep if you want. I can wait."

"No. It's alright. I'm up, I guess. Sit there a minute," she said. She swung her legs out over her mattress and stretched as she stood up. Her body shook and trembled as her arms reached for the ceiling. She shook herself and walked around the bed. She was an amazing sight.

"Let me use the bathroom and I'll be right back." It took everything I had not to reach out and run my hand over her smooth hip as she walked by. She walked out of her room and down the hall to the bathroom. I just sat there. I couldn't focus enough to read a magazine she had on a small table next to the chair arm.

The sun was coming into her room in thick, yellow flats of light that stretched over the floor and bed. My head was all a jumble. What was I expecting would happen? Why was I expecting anything would happen? I didn't have time to wonder.

"Ready to watch?" she asked. I couldn't speak. I just nodded. She grabbed the remote from the top of the television and came to sit at the foot of the chair.

Her body was an amazing collection of curves and smooth, golden flesh. I'd never seen her like this. In less than one day, we had grown closer than ever. At first I thought she was just trying to shock me. But I could see that she really and truly was, entirely comfortable just as she was around her little brother.

She clicked the VCR on and hit PLAY. The tape picked up right where she left it the night before.

Fred Sykes was pounding away at his sister from behind. I watched for a minute, but my attention wandered. Sandy was leaning against my leg as she watched. Her ear was pressed to the side of my knee, and her hand lay against my foot.

Until I let out my breath, I didn't realize I had been holding it. That made me notice the way her breath came regular and warm over my calf.

I looked at the screen again. Martha Sykes was riding her brother, facing away from him. Some other guy was standing between Fred's legs as Martha sucked on his dick.