Nemesis Visits

I take my coffee and sit at a table, away from other customers but that allows me to watch the door while I wait, sipping the coffee. As I near the end of the cup I realize that I'm going to have to ask Milla about Amber. There is a chance that she will be just as protective this time and, while a slap is less likely, she could well throw me out and warn Amber so I can never talk to her. I look at her; is she going to hear me out? Oh well, here goes and I rise from the seat.

The Caffè door opens and a girl's voice calls out "Mama!" I look around and there is a girl with a mass of red-orange hair running towards Milla: it is their daughter.

"Sienna, bambina, how was dance class?" The girl replies but I'm not paying her any attention: there in the doorway, smiling at the girl with immense fondness is Amber. She is older, a little fuller in the face but still very beautiful. Actually, I think she is more beautiful now than I remember.

She seems to sense my staring and glances at me momentarily and then does a double take, her eyes widening in shock. "Max?" she murmurs.

"Amber, I've come to apologise," I tell her quickly, "I'm not here to make any trouble, I promise." I sit back down and hold my hands up in surrender. Warily as a cat, she approaches. "Amber, I was a complete and utter bastard to you and I need to say sorry for all the pain and upset that I caused you. That I caused Milla too, probably," I say contritely.

"Max... what, I mean why? Why now after, what, ten years?" Confused, she lowers herself slowly into the chair opposite.

"I've changed, Amber. Things have happened to me over the last six months, things like you wouldn't believe," I shake my head, "things that have shown me what a, a monster I was. I treated you so badly at university and then, when you'd met your beautiful wife to be," I nod towards Milla, "and fallen in love, I was a complete shitty, homophobic bastard to you again." Amber stares at me, dumbfounded.

"Max, I don't know what to say. Seeing you here was a shock but all this... I just don't know." Milla comes over and her hand rests on Amber's shoulder, her other hand holds Sienna's.

"Are you alright, Amber darling?" she asks and then looks at me. "I'm sure I know you from somewhere," she says, uncertainly.

"I'm alright, my love. This is Max, the man you slapped after he called me," she glances at her daughter, "something horrible."

"And the Max who is here to apologise for how he treated your beautiful wife, not just on that day but also before. I think I owe you an apology too because I'm sure I was insulting to you too." I tell her.

"Uh, thank you, I suppose," she replies. "Amber? Shall I take Sienna out the back?"

"Um, yes please. Go with Mama, SieSie. You can get the paints out and I'll be with you shortly."

"Okay, Mummy. Love you," Sienna replies and runs off to the Workshop door I saw earlier.

"Your daughter is gorgeous," I tell her and she nods, giving a little smile. "Amber, I'm very happy that you and Milla are together and that you're married is, well, simply wonderful. I could have done you so much harm with the way I treated you but... you have Milla and I can see how happy and in love you both are. Nevertheless, even though it's worked out well for you, I was wrong, evil..."

"Max, you hurt me so badly back then but I've long ago let the hurt go because without what happened I wouldn't have met Milla and she made it all worthwhile: every heartache and every tear." She looks at me and I nod.

"I understand, really I do. I met a girl after a... painful experience and I feel exactly the same about her." I feel tears well and trickle over my cheeks. "I've treated so many people, women mainly, so badly over the years. You are one of the few I can say sorry to for what I did. I love Harri so much but I can't be with her because of the things I've done." To my shock and amazement, Amber takes my hand.

"Max, I don't know what all these things are that you did, quite frankly I don't want to know. What I do know is that how you treated me, the things you did, seem to have damaged you much more than me, though I'm not sure why."

"I think I do," I tell her, "you said it yourself: it was Milla's love. It didn't just make the pain 'worthwhile', I think she healed you, made you whole again." Amber nods.

"It's true," she admits. "Max, you don't seem to be the bastard you used to be, but..." I look at her, wondering what the 'but' is going to be, "... but you need to be healed too. You need this Harri, I think."

"I think so too but I can't, not at the moment; I hurt her too and I don't know if she can forgive me," I conclude sadly.

I spend a while longer talking with Amber, hearing her story and wishing I could tell her mine. I chat with Milla a little and even have a few words with Sienna. As I get ready to leave, I pull out an envelope I had prepared in case Amber wouldn't talk to me. I hand it to Amber. "Look, I want you to have this; it's some money. I'm not trying to buy forgiveness but I want to make recompense for the hurt I did you, however much it all worked out wonderfully for you in the end. If you don't want it then, I don't know, give it to charity or stick it in a savings account for Sienna; if she's half as clever and talented as you, she'll definitely be going to university at some point."

Amber hesitates but sees the look of pleading in my eyes. "Okay, Max, and thank you."

I have done what I could. I wanted to help undo the hurt I did to Amber but she didn't need me: the love between her and Milla had already done that. It seems I am in more need of healing than she is. However, I made the effort to do the right thing: is that enough to satisfy the Goddess? As I drive home I can only hope so because I don't know what else I can do. By the time I am finally lying down to sleep, the words "Please Goddess, make me Maxine once more," are a constant litany in my head.

The next morning, Sunday morning, I am still Max, and black depression enfolds me.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday have come and gone, somehow. Each day that passes with nothing from Harri suggests more and more that I've lost her forever. Worse still, I cannot see what else I can do to atone and a new realization has dawned: that this was always the Goddess's plan for me, her retribution. There is a dimly remembered quote from some book or film that I now cannot get out of my head: 'Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.' The Goddess always intended my destruction; that much is clear to me now. And the madness? How else can I describe my obsessive and total love for Harri? How, except in the realms of insanity, could I have thought we might have a future together after what I did, to her and to others?

On Thursday I am beyond despair and, when the client on whose contract Jason has had me working rings me, I tell him to walk away from the deal; that it leaves him with all the risk while we, the Company, take most of the profit. I suggest that he studies pages thirty-four to thirty-seven if he doesn't believe me. I hang up, put on my jacket and walk out of the building. I will not be coming back.

If the Goddess wants my destruction, she can have it.

I sit at the table, naked, here in the apartment. I have been drinking steadily for an hour or so and on the table are the contents of the medicine cabinet: various painkillers, a few antidepressants prescribed as a muscle relaxant but not taken at the time, sleeping tablets, antihistamine tablets... a varied mix of colours and shapes all piled together. Before I take them I take a last look around the apartment; everywhere my eye rests there is a memory of Harri and me together, talking, laughing, cooking, sharing, hugging, kissing... There is one more thing I have one thing left to do: I take out my phone and send a long text.

I'm so sorry Harri because I now know that I shall not be allowed to come back to you. I am back where we started and I cannot bear any longer to go on without you. Goodbye my darling. I wish we could have spent our lives together and remember that I love you completely and utterly and always. Maxie xxx

After I press SEND I begin taking the tablets and pills, a few at a time and washing them down with white rum.

The last of the pills are gone and I chug down the remainder of the rum. I feel numb, my heart is labouring, its steady rhythm is gone, and things are growing dark.

Goodbye, Harri my love...

EPILOGUE

In the darkness, I hear voices.

"Did you foresee this, O Goddess?"

"No, Daughter of Nyx, I did not: the human heart is somewhere even my sight cannot fully penetrate and I did not realize the depth of his love for her."

There is a shimmer in the dark and I see Nemesis, her cold, hard beauty visible as if lit by moonlight, as she replies. "Nor her love for the woman he became, perhaps. He strove to be worthy, to win your favour in the end so that they might be reunited. Tried to undo what he could and apologize for that which he could not."

"Do you rebuke me, Nemesis?" There is another figure, silver-radiant, whose beauty outshines that of Nemesis as sunlight outshines a candle: the Goddess herself.

"No, Goddess, I should not dare such presumption."

"Oh, but you think me unjust nonetheless, do not deny it," there is a look of wry amusement on the Goddess's lips. "I had thought that he would learn, come to understand the harm he had done, the fear and pain he caused. Then, as a man once more, he could live and love properly, with kindness and courage and compassion."

"He did, O goddess, he truly learned and understood all you wanted him to and he went further, to save the girl and care for her. Perhaps it is my fault, O Goddess; perhaps I misspoke your will in telling him that atonement was part of your plan for him. Once he came to understand that he could not undo all the ills he had done, he sought through her to make some recompense by putting right the wrongs of another. He did not seek a lover, though he loved and cared for her deeply. In the end, he even risked her love to tell her the truth of what he'd done."

"You still seek to direct me, Nemesis. Very well, make your case."

"I will not direct you, O Goddess, but by your leave, I will show you just one thing and then let your wisdom decide..."

I can see Harri, my beautiful, wonderful woman: she is crying and terrified while her head and shoulders move as if she is running. Darkness is falling again, the blackness of despair and death. She is in danger and I have betrayed her love and abandoned her...

...

..

.

.

..

...

"...please wake up! Don't leave me!"

I struggle to open my eyes and see for they are gummy and blurred. My head is thumping and I have a foul taste in my mouth. The smell of vomit invades my nose as I finally manage to blink my eyes into focus. There, above me, I see Harri, her tear-streaked face flooding with relief. I reach up to touch her cheek; it is soft and warm and wonderfully real. In trepidation, I glance down, terrified of what I will see. Pills and tablets are mixed with the vomit that covers me... covers my chest and my stomach... covers the soft mounds of my boobs as I see Maxine's body, my body once again. Relief and amazement fill my mind.

"Harri? You're here? How...?" I croak.

"Your text, you stupid, stupid woman: I knew you were here, 'back where we started,' and going to try to kill yourself," she half shouts, half sobs.

"I couldn't think of living... without you!" I tell her and anguish contorts her face.

"And how was I supposed to go on living without you?" she demands, angrily, before her voice softens and saddens. "I... I kept wanting to text or call you but I didn't know what to say: you almost destroyed my life by getting me sacked and arrested and it hurt so much..."

"I know... and I'm so, so, sorry... I'm so horrible..." I say miserably.

"But," she interrupts my self-pity, "you also saved me, helped me, healed me and loved me. When I read your text and saw what you intended I finally understood how much you mean to me: I knew that I loved you too, more than anything. Thank God I got here in time." She hugs me, heedless of the vomit that soils her clothes.

"No, thank Goddess," I tell her as I take a shuddering breath. "Harri, I need you... need you to heal me."

"What? Shall I call a doctor? An ambulance?" There is panic in her voice.

"No, Harri, I need you, I need your love to undo the... the wrongness in me, to help make me a, a... a proper, good person."

"Oh Maxie, I need you too and if it's my turn to save you then I will do whatever it takes, so long as we can be together."

"I love you, Harri... and now we can be together, always."

"Come on, Maxie, my love; let's get you cleaned up and then we can go home." I nod, grateful and happy, as she helps me to stand...