New Beginnings

"Oh My God, he's fucking her arse. Prezzer, you dirty bastard"

Even when our sex life was good, Jessica had never allowed me to fuck her arse. She'd told me it was dirty and I was a pervert for wanting it. Now here she was pulling the cheeks apart so that her lover could thrust his cock into her rectum. The red mist descended. My rage was released. Without really thinking about what I was doing, I left my class and hurried to the admin block.

I couldn't believe they had been so complacent. They hadn't even locked the door. I charged into the office grabbing Preston by the hair. I wrenched him off my wife and slammed his forehead against the edge of the open door. He fell to the floor where I started kicking him. First in the balls and then as he rolled over, the kicks landed in the stomach and chest.

I was in a rage. My anger was with both of them but twenty years of love and an upbringing that said it was wrong to hit women meant that Preston got it all. I was conscious of Jessica screaming at me to stop. It was only when she threw herself on top of him that I did indeed stop. I stepped back, shocked at what I had done. As I walked backwards I came to a chair and fell down onto it. Jessica looked up at me and realised that it was safe to get up. Still half naked she ran into her outer office returned with her phone. I heard her talking.

"Ambulance," she said. "There has been an accident and I think a man is badly injured."

"Better call the police, Jess. Half the world knows it wasn't an accident. You might also consider getting dressed."

"What do you mean half the world knows? How could they?"

"Your antics tonight have been broadcast on the internet and so has my attack on Preston here. In fact, it's still going out so get dressed and call the police."

"Oh, Derek, you haven't?" One look at my face told her I had. She ran around the office picking up her clothes and putting them on.

As soon as she had covered herself, she called the police. She paced back and forth in the office before turning back to me. "How clear were the pictures, Derek? Could you see who we were?"

"Well, my class recognised him immediately. They didn't know who you were but I guess they do now."

She put her hands to her face. "Oh God, Derek! What are we going to do?"

"Well, I'm going to sit here and wait for the police. Perhaps you'd better go to the hospital with lover boy here."

"It wasn't love, Derek, just sex. Exciting sex because we were doing things we shouldn't but just sex all the same."

"It doesn't matter anymore, Jess. You wanted or needed someone else so now you don't have to sneak around. I'm going to be out of circulation for some time. You'll be free to fuck who you like."

She sat with her head in her hands crying. The paramedics arrived first and started to treat Preston. Jessica had to decide whether to go to hospital with him or not when the police arrived and I was led away in handcuffs.

It took the police a day to decide to charge me with grievous bodily harm. Within two days I was in court being formally charged. I'd opted for the duty solicitor and he tried to get me released on bail. I'd instructed him not to do so but he felt he had to do his best for me. The magistrate asked if I could post bail.

"Your honour, I have little money. My parents are both dead and I'm not in contact with my wife, nor do I wish to be. I can't see any way I can raise enough money to post bail."

He gave me a searching look. "You realise, Mr Callahan, without someone to post bail I will have to remand you in custody. Would you like more time so that you can speak to your wife?"

"No, sir. Custody is fine."

I was on remand for two months. I got frequent visits from my solicitor trying to convince me to plead not guilty due to temporary insanity. I had several requests from Jessica for a visiting order so she could come and see me. I refused. My solicitor told me, under British law a wife cannot be forced to give evidence against her husband and Jessica had refused. Of course, it had gone out over the internet so there would be plenty of other witnesses.

When you're in prison, it's surprising what you find funny. I got a letter from the college Human Resource department informing me that I was the subject of a disciplinary hearing and asking who I wanted to represent my interests. I found it amusing that even in the face of overwhelming evidence, they still had to go through their procedures. I wrote back saying I was offering no defence. The next communication from them told me I'd been fired and all about the appeals procedure.

Unable to get in to see me, Jessica also resorted to writing letters.

My Dearest Derek,

I have no idea how to apologise for what I've done to you. Please believe, I didn't do it to hurt you, nor did love have anything to do with it. I can't explain why I did what I did but I have to tell you that you are, and always have been, my one and only love.

I know you have been dismissed by the college. They are waiting for John to get out of hospital before they hold his disciplinary hearing. He has several broken ribs and had a collapsed lung. The doctors aren't sure whether he will be infertile. I've told him I'll tell the principal that he used his position to force me to have sex with him unless he withdraws all charges and refuses to give evidence. I will do it, my love. I'll do anything to get you out of that place so that I can start to make amends from what I have done to you.

No matter how long it takes, I will wait for you, my love and I hope that one day you may be able to forgive me

all my love,

Jessica

I screwed it up and threw it away. A month later she wrote again.

My Dearest Derek,

I am so sorry, not just for what I've done to you but also because I've failed to persuade John to drop the charges. He didn't believe I would do what I said. He was wrong. I went with my union rep to see the principal. I told him John had pressured me into having sex with him and made sure you were always out of the way when we met.

I don't know if he believed me but it didn't matter. The union started a sexual harassment action. Both John and I were dismissed. Sad to say that has made John more determined to ensure you go to prison. I'm so sorry, my love. I tried my best. Your solicitor says you refuse to consider the only defence that might work. Please reconsider my love. You don't deserve to be in that place. You did what you did because we drove you to it.

I will always love you and will wait as long as it takes.

All my love,

Jessica

I have to admit, I was surprised they'd fired Preston. I'd expected the management to close ranks around him but Jessica had given them no choice.

My trial was almost a non-event. My barrister tried to persuade me to use the temporary insanity plea but once again, I refused. I insisted I would plead guilty. I was happy for him to use extreme provocation in mitigation. My guilty plea meant the prosecution didn't have to offer any evidence other than the extent of John Preston's injuries.

They did this using photographs and medical reports. He was peeved that he wasn't asked to tell the court his side of the story. Jessica and James were there. She was crying most of the time and he was trying to comfort her. The judge listened to my barrister's pleas of mitigation before turning his attention to me.

"Mr Callahan, your counsel has made a very good case that you were acting while the balance of your mind was disturbed. I take it the option to use that as a defence has been mentioned to you."

"Yes, sir, it has."

"Do you wish to change your plea?"

"No, sir. I committed the crimes and I am willing to take my punishment."

"Very well. Derek Callahan, you have pleaded guilty to the charge that you assaulted Mr. John Preston causing him grievous bodily harm. This is a very serious offence and one for which I could hand down a sentence of up to twenty years in prison. However, your counsel has made a good case for extreme provocation in that Mr Preston was abusing his power to keep you out of the way so he could have sex with your wife.

"I find this to be the sort of provocation few men could resist. Even given this situation I would still be bound to sentence you to ten years in prison. However, at the point of your arrest you pleaded guilty to the charges, saving the tax payer significant expense and saving your victim the trauma of reliving the attack. Under the guidelines given to me I can, therefore, halve the sentence. Mr Callahan, I sentence you to spend five years in prison."

I looked at the public gallery. Preston was punching the air as if he had won some sort of victory. Jessica just gasped and buried her head in her hands as the warders took me down to the cells.

My Barrister came to my cell after the trial.

"Well, Mr Callahan, I still think I could've got you off but five years is a good result. If you keep your nose clean, you could be out in two and a half to three years."

"I suppose I should thank you for that, but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want to get out. What have I got to come out to? My family is destroyed. my career is in the toilet. I don't really care when I get out."

*****

"Why didn't you tell me any of this before, Derek? It seems almost as if I don't know you at all."

"Would I have got this job if they'd known I had a criminal record? Of course not. Most people here wouldn't even talk to me if they knew. Would you have let me get close to you? Aren't you already wondering how you can dump me?"

"If that is what you think, perhaps I should dump you, as you put it. I'm having a great deal of difficulty believing the man I know, the man I fell in love with, could do such a thing. From what you said the violence was a split second reaction which, given the circumstances, I can understand. It's the cold blooded planning of your wife's total humiliation that I can't believe."

"The man you fell in love with wouldn't have done that. I am the man you know, at least I am now. Maybe the judge and the barrister were right. Maybe the balance of my mind was disturbed. I couldn't believe she would rip my heart out again but Preston was the guy I wanted. He'd made me a laughing stock. They even called me Dirty Harry because I got all the shit jobs. Some of the others must have known it was so he could keep fucking my wife. In my head I was hitting back at him and the college. Let's see them deny a live broadcast, I thought. It even went out through college servers so they couldn't pretend it came from elsewhere. Jessica was just collateral damage."

To my surprise she pulled my head back down to her breast and held it there as I cried reliving that fateful day. She lifted my head again and looked at me.

"Again Derek? You said you didn't think she could rip your heart out again. Had you caught Jessica cheating on you before? "

"I didn't catch her, no. She thinks I don't know, but it wasn't the first time. She's done it at least once before, shortly after we were married."

"If you didn't catch her, how can you be so sure?"

"I've seen the evidence. Believe me, I'm sure."

"Just a minute, Derek. If you've been in prison, how did you get this job? I mean you need clear Criminal records check."

I laughed. "If people knew just how easy it is to get around those things, they wouldn't value them so highly. You would be amazed at how many Derek Callahans there are with clean records. I just had to become one of them."

We both sat holding each other. I was relieved she hadn't left me. I'd lied my way into everything since I'd left prison and I hadn't been able to tell Wendy the truth. Several times I'd come close but each time, discretion got the better of my valour. I wanted to tell her and if I'd been able to marry her, I would have. As it was, it didn't seem to be worth the risk of the information getting out.

Wendy took her arm from around my shoulders and held both my hands in hers.

"Derek, you know we are going to have to speak to the young man outside. Now he has found you, the game is up. Unless, that is, we can persuade him to keep his mouth shut. Now I'm going to call him in. Then you are going to talk to him. Please, Derek, please talk to him."

She got up and walked to the door. When she came back, James followed her in.

*****

James was a good-looking young man, standing six feet tall with broad shoulders and an athletic build. He had light brown hair which in the summer sun became almost blonde. He had a square jaw with a cleft chin and his blue eyes sparkled when he smiled. A look at Wendy's face told me she was impressed. She looked at me, looked at him and then back at me.

"Your wife must be a good looking woman, Derek. He certainly doesn't take after you. I mean, I think you're quite a hunk but James here must be every girl's dream."

James smiled at her. "I'll settle for being Emma's dream, thank you."

"Well, James, you and Derek must have a lot to talk about. I'm going to make some coffee. Would you like some?"

James accepted the offer of coffee and Wendy went off to the kitchen leaving us alone. For about a minute we sat in silence. James was fidgeting while he watched me, unsure of how to start. I had no intention of making it any easier for him. I just relaxed on the sofa and waited.

Eventually he spoke. "Why did you do it, Dad?"

"Come off it, James. You and half the world know why I did it."

"I'm not talking about that. Why did you disappear like that? You knew she was waiting for you. When you didn't reply to any of her letters, she tried to get the governor to keep her informed and tell her when you would be released. We thought you had another three months to go when the police came and told us you were out. The prison gave Mum the address of the hostel you went to. I went there but you were long gone. Why go to a hostel when you could have come home? Why risk going back to prison by just disappearing from the hostel?"

"I don't know what she's told you about what I did and why, but even from what was reported you must realise there was no way I could go back."

"What not even for a few weeks, Dad? Do you really hate Mum so much that you would rather go to a bail hostel than go home to your own bed even if it was only while you got back on your feet?"

"She and her lover spent two years manipulating me. I wasn't going to give her another chance."

"You should have read her letters. She wanted to try to make it up to you. She knows how much she hurt you. She wanted to try to put things right."

"I've had enough of this, James. You didn't search for me just to ask why I didn't go home. What is it you want from me? What happens if you don't get it? Are you going to tell the police where I am so they can put me back in prison?"

"I want you to come back and talk to her. She's ill, Dad, very ill. She was okay when she thought you would come back but when you disappeared, she hit the bottle. Now she has cirrhosis of the liver and needs a transplant. They won't do that while she is still drinking. I hate what she did to you, Dad, but she's the only mum I've got. I can't see her killing herself like this. I need you to tell her you forgive her. Tell her to stop the drinking."

"Or what, James? What happens if I don't go with you? Do I need to move on before the police come after me for breaking my parole conditions?"

"Or nothing, Dad. I don't want to see you back in that place and I don't think the police are interested. When I asked them to help me find you, they just said they would find you when you committed another crime."

Wendy came in with the coffee. "Sounds like James is talking sense here, Derek. You need closure and if that helps your wife, then so much the better. I know you don't really wish her any harm."

"How do you know?"

"Because you beat him to a pulp but never laid a finger on her."

I sat for a minute. I'd never thought about it before but she was right. I wouldn't have dreamed of hurting Jessica in spite of her betrayal.

"What harm can it do to talk to her, Derek?"

So now it was two against one and I was losing.

"Okay, I'll go and talk to her but don't expect anything to change. She'll have to accept the fact that I'm not coming back. I'll talk to her on one condition." I said turning to James. "You stop calling me Dad."

He just sat shaking his head. "One mistake two and a half years ago and he disowns me. What the hell can I do?"

"Give him time, James. I'm sure he'll come round."

"You don't know him. I let him down. I know I did and now he'll never forgive me or Mum."

We left the next morning, all three of us. James didn't want Wendy to come because he didn't want Jessica to know I had found someone else. I insisted that she should come with us. I wanted everything out in the open. He tried to make conversation on the journey but it was an uphill struggle for James. I didn't intentionally ignore him. My mind was too occupied for any talking. All the time I was reliving those days running up to the main event and my assault on Preston.

It felt strange pulling into the drive of my old house. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn it was empty. The grass needed cutting. The curtains hung loosely at the windows which were in dire need of cleaning.

James had his own key and let us in through the front door. I had never seen my house in such a mess. He led us into the living room and asked us to sit down. He went upstairs to fetch his mother. He took quite some time to come down with her. When Jessica came in, I barely recognised her. Her face was gaunt and her skin had a yellowish tinge to it. She had lost a lot of weight and the dress she wore just hung on her. When she saw me, she tried to smile and held her arms out to me.

"Derek, you've come home."

"No, Jess, I've come to talk to you. I'm not coming home, ever."

Wendy squeezed my hand and looked lovingly at me which made Jessica look uncomfortable. James helped her to a seat.

"I'd like to say you are looking well, Jess, but you must know that's not true."

"Same old Derek, can't lie to save your life. They told me that's why you ended up in prison."

"Water under the bridge, Jess. All finished with. Now James says you want to talk to me so why not just say what you have to say."

"Now you're finally here, I don't know where to start. Did you read any of my letters?"

"Only the two you sent while I was on remand. The rest I didn't even open."

"Do you hate me that much, Derek? You didn't have to reply but if I could just believe you read them, I'd have felt so much better."

"Hate had nothing to do with it, Jess, quite the reverse. I loved you so much the only way I could deal with what we did to each other was to cut that part right out of my life. I never wanted to think of it again. You want to know why I didn't read any of your letters? It's because in prison a man who sits in his cell and weeps might as well be a dead man."

"So that's it, is it, Derek? You've cut me out of your life with no chance of forgiveness?"

"I don't know, Jess. I don't hate you so perhaps I have forgiven you already. I hate what you did just as I hate what I did. What I did to you was cruel and heartless. I should have just divorced you. Come to think of it, I should have divorced you the first time."

Jessica's mouth fell open. She pulled her hands up to her face and cried. As she regained her control, she looked at me through red eyes.

"You've known for all those years and said nothing? Why"

"It was over when I found out and it gave you the child I seemed to be unable to provide."

I pulled a worn and tatty envelope from my pocket and passed it to James. "That's why you shouldn't call me Dad. I'm not your father."