tagReviews & EssaysNew Year's Eve Resolutions #01

New Year's Eve Resolutions #01


These are my reluctant New Year's Eve Resolutions. Can't you tell? I'm posting them late.

Normally, I don't make them because I don't keep them and then I feel bad that I failed in my quest to better myself in the New Year. This year is different. This year, I'm motivated. This year, I'm going to do it.

My New Year's resolution #1 is that I'm going to exercise more. No pain, no gain, is going to be my inane, insane motto. Pump me up! I'm ready. Yep, starting tomorrow or the next day, I'm going to start working out.

I'm an exercise fanatic, at least, I was, only, the older that I get the less guilt that I have about not exercising, so I don't and I haven't exercised much lately. Now, I have an excuse, old age. When I compare myself to my friends, I don't look all that bad. Yet, that can work both ways. I don't want to look like them by not exercising either.

Only, the excuse of old age, doesn't work all that well, yet. I'm not that old. Damn. Fifty today is the forty of yesteryear and the thirty of tomorrow. I don't feel my age and certainly don't look my age. Yet, I'm not trying to fool anyone, especially myself. I'm middle aged; I know it, and I feel it. There are things that I can no longer do, such as 100 pushups, 500 crunches, 300+ pound bench presses, cum 3 times in a session, and leap over a backyard fence when a husband suddenly came home and found me with his wife.

"Thanks for everything. Gotta go. Bye!"

I'm happy with my Bowflex Ultimate 2. That thing does everything but give me a blowjob. Believe me I've tried when I was putting that thing together. It had more holes in it than Swiss cheese. It came to my house in 8 very heavy boxes with an instruction manual as big as the one that they have for the Voyager Shuttle. I'm glad the thing came with a video.

Unlike many of my friends who are my age, a bit younger or a bit older, they all have bad backs and pot bellies. Maybe because of all the exercise I've done for the past 40 years, I don't have a bad back, my waist size has only gone up two inches, and my weight has increased only twenty pounds in 30 years. Not bad. Don't tell anyone, but all my clothes from college, (yeah, I still have them) still fit me.

I've never been a jogger and don't understand people who feel compelled to go out in the rain and the cold to run. When I was boxing, another lifetime ago, my coach would tell me to do roadwork while he went out back to smoke another cigarette and drink a beer. I'd skip rope instead. No one could skip rope better and longer than I could. Even back then, I hated running and it always made my skin crawl every time I'd watch Sylvester Stallone running in Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, and in Rocky Balboa. I'm looking forward to his new movie coming out soon Rocky Does Retirement when he beats the shit out of all the guys in the nursing home.


Then, I bought one of those treadmills, the ones with the programs that you can hookup to a television set and pretend you are running along a sandy beach with the ocean as a background or through a meadow of heather and pretty flowers or running some cross country through a forest of trees and soft grass. Those are fun. Otherwise, running, especially on a treadmill, is excruciatingly boring. Now, that I think of it, they should make a video where you are being chased by an angry Pit Bull or an ex-wife looking for her alimony. That would maintain my motivation to run faster. Only, I can understand why they wouldn't do that because of the liability should you fall and hurt yourself.

"Your honor, my client hit his head when the interactive Pit Bull bit him in the ass."

Yet, every time I get complacent about exercising, the Godfather of physical fitness, Jack (friggin') LaLanne comes on television with his wife Elaine LaLanne with their freaking juicing machine. The guy must be close to 100-years-old (actually, he's 92) and he still wears that blue zipper jumpsuit. Where does he still buy those jumpsuits? Even Elaine LaLanne doesn't wear one. He looks a bit like a girlie man in that outfit. You tell him, though. I'll wait here. I'm waiting for his white Belgian Shepherd, Happy, to make an appearance. I betcha he still has that dog.

Did any of you watch the Jack LaLanne's show when it was on television in the early sixties? He held my attention with his bulging muscles and feats of strength. His triceps were amazing. Only, those ballet slippers that he wore were a little bit gay.

He even challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Steroid himself, the sixth time Mr. Olympia to a pushup contest. Arnold stopped at 250 and Jack continued on to 1,200. His feats of strength were amazing and he has always motivated me to stay in condition, somewhat, kind of, not really. I don't look too bad if I suck in my gut. See?

When Jack was 41, he swam the two miles from Alcatraz to Fisherman's wharf in less than an hour while wearing handcuffs. At 42, he did 1,033 pushups in 23 minutes. Just incase you read over that, 1,033 pushups in 23 minutes. He swam the Golden Gate Channel while towing a 2,500 pound cabin cruiser at 43. At 44, he paddled a boat 30 miles. At 45, he completed 1,000 pushups and 1,000 chin-ups in an hour, twenty-two minutes. No, that's not a misprint. It's insane enough that he not only did 1,000 pushups at 45 but also 1,000 chin ups when most 45-year-old men can't even do one and he did them in 83 minutes. Amazing.

Then, we lost track of Jack and didn't hear from him for a long while when he suddenly reappeared at 60 years of age and swam from Alcatraz to Fisherman's Wharf again while not only handcuffed but also shackled while towing a 1,000 pound boat. When he was 61-years-old, he swam the length of the Golden Gate bridge underwater handcuffed and shackled and towing a 2,000 pound boat. At 62, he towed 13 boats with 76 people 1 mile while handcuffed and shackled. Suddenly, Jack has discovered bondage. For those of you under the age of 18-years-old, please leave the room now.

I'm starting to see a pattern here. All this time, I thought his wife Elaine LaLanne was a nice little old lady, but now, I'm not so sure. What's with Jack and the shackles and handcuffs? It's a little bit kinky, if you ask me. I wonder what kind of hanky panky he and Elaine have been up to for the past 15 years when he disappeared from the public scene between the ages of 45-years-old to 60-years-old. Maybe, they were in the swinging lifestyle all that time, which would explain the blue jumpsuit and the ballet slippers, I think, kind of, not really. Imagine the orgasms Jack gave his sweetheart of nearly 50 years.

"Jack, please, no more. Get off me. You fucked me 100 times in 32 minutes. I can't cum anymore."

"Just one more time, Elaine, while I hang upside down and swing from the chandelier."

I wonder if he wears handcuffs and shackles while he's getting down and dirty. No wonder why Elaine never had the urge to cheat.

"Jack, you're gonna have to juice extra carrots tonight because I'm feeling really randy."

"Okay, Elaine, just let me unzip my blue jumper and put on the handcuffs and shackles."

At 65, he towed 65 boats filled with 6,500 pounds of wood pulp (Why wood pulp?) while handcuffed and shackled. At age 66, he towed 10 boats filled with 77 people for more than a mile in less than an hour while handcuffed and shackled. At 70-years-old, while handcuffed and shackled, he towed 70 boats filled with 70 people 1 ½ miles.

"Where's Jack?"

"He's out swimming handcuffed and shackled while towing boats loaded with people."

My hat is off to Jack LaLanne with his penchant for handcuffs and shackles, the king of not only physical exercise but also of bondage. I was going to exercise, but I'm tired. I'm gonna grab a donut and go back to bed.

To be continued...

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