News of My Suicide is ExaggeratedbyMungoParkIII©
There I was opening my email when I spotted one, Literotica: Feedback for.... Even though I didn't know what the feedback was for I opened the email. It was from a person named Anonymous, a name I'd seen around before, a name I had seen a lot. Yes, of course, Anonymous comments on stories, he or she comments on a lot of stories. While I am often confused at how Anonymous changes his or her mind a hell of a lot, I figured Anonymous was about to give me some very sound advice regarding my stories.
This email said, and I quote, "You are an absolutely horrible writer,..do the world a favor and cut your wrists. You need to die" and while I had to scratch my head at the punctuation, the message was succinct and logical. Now I couldn't really argue with the first part, I mean The New Yorker Magazine certainly seemed to agree when I submitted my stories to them, they even went as far as to send me a framed copy of their two hundredth letter requesting I stop sending this disgusting smut. The editor actually said that he would kill himself if he had to even look at another of my stories.
Apparently Anonymous decided to take another track, rather than offer to kill himself or herself, Anonymous suggested that I kill myself. Well, you know from all the many Anonymous comments I have read, it seemed to me that this Anonymous was a reasonable person. In the comment above, Anonymous thought that I should do the world a favor and cut my wrists, certainly a logical alternative to that the editor at The New Yorker had said. Unfortunately the comment was not very specific how I should accomplish the recommendation.
Well, I mean it really didn't tell me how to go about it, should I use a steak knife, a butcher knife, a razor blade or what? Being the "artiste" I consider myself to be, I opted for the razor blade, but damn if I didn't screw it up. I couldn't figure these new fangled razors out (I use an electric razor to shave) and this double and triple headed devices with Teflon and space age technology just confused me, so I grabbed an old fashion razor blade. You know the type, sharp on both sides, yeah, that's the one.
Unaccustomed as I was to razor blades and cutting in general it took some time to figure out exactly what to do. The instructions were explicit, I was to cut my wrists, but as I went to do that I had some trouble. It wasn't like cutting paper, or even a steak, no, there were some hard things in the way that didn't cut easily. Long story short, I ended up with a slight nick on my left wrist and I cut three fingers on my right hand.
Ouch, it hurt and by the time I got my fingers bandaged up, they were too thickly encased in the cotton and tape for me to handle the razor blade. I had to simply get a band-aid and put it on the nick on my wrist. By then it looked to me that I would have to postpone cutting my wrist, to the obvious disappointment of Anonymous.
Wanting to get back in touch with Anonymous and apologize for the delay, I discovered there was no means of contacting Anonymous in my email. As I signed on to Literotica to search for a way to get in touch with Anonymous I looked over some of the other comments Anonymous had made over the last several months. Besides several other interesting alternatives to the cutting my wrist thing, I did see some comments applauding a story or two and a few others with some enticing erotic proposals.
Looking at the wide range of comments, mostly all from Anonymous I have come to realize that Anonymous is a very intelligent dimwitted, conservative liberal with strict morals and loose standards (or is that loose morals and strict standards) who is a functionally illiterate literary genius. Therefore, considering all this, I figured my stories are horribly great (or fantastically bad) examples of boring excitement and chaste smut.
Greatly invigorated by this determination I have collected a stack of my porn stories to submit for publication. Now, given The New Yorker editor's threatened suicide if he was to see another of my stories I needed to find a new venue for my work. After careful consideration I've decided to submit my stories to The Ladies Home Journal. Certainly they will be interested, especially considering the wonderful comments I have received from Anonymous.