No Accounting For Chaos Ch. 05

She reached into her pocket and saw it was her mother. She clicked it on do not disturb. He had started talking again. "Wait...go back. A lightbulb that sucks..."

"Okay, it's a really stupid image, I know, but it's the closest thing I can come up with that's remotely accurate. Let's say you could put a camera anywhere on the STC. Let's say you could "point it" along any grid line. Now, let's say there were infinite gridlines to choose from. Wouldn't it be cool if you could just start capturing and not worry about what "direction" you were facing?"

"But you're only capturing 1 picosecond into the future, so that doesn't seem to make any sense, no matter how many you capture."

"Hold that thought. Remember, infinite is a lot more than a 1 trillion, and just because we're only able to "look" 1 picosecond "forward" doesn't mean there isn't a heckuvalot of information we could capture in that moment. As it turns out, though, if, instead of capturing along the time grid you capture along the space grid, you could see all events that have ever happened, or will ever happen in that point in space...all at once." He paused while the waiter delivered their first plates. "But that's not the point of any of this; as much as I can see it fascinates you...

"You walked out the other night when you learned about the camera. I was wrong in introducing it to you that way. I miscalculated for sure," he was machine-gunning his words, revving up his excitement. "But I had no idea you were struggling with your own issues about being recorded. I am very sorry." He held out his hands for her. She reached across and placed hers in his. She felt a warmth flow into her. Her shoulders came down a little.

"What I had hoped to share with you the other night was a lot more than the gadget. It's a pretty cool gadget for sure, but the really important thing is not what it does, but what we've stumbled over in our efforts to build it."

She could see he was stalling, or building up the courage to go somewhere. What else did he have to tell her that was bigger than this?

"The gadget is just a very poor method of visualization what the Tantric Hindus have been practicing individually for centuries." He said it quietly as if he was confessing to a plot to blow up the airport. He looked at her to see if she understood the importance of the remark.

She shook her head slightly; she didn't get it. "You've found a way to 'see' like a Hindu?" Inwardly she giggled at the phrase -- walk like an Egyptian, see like a Hindu. She snapped her attention back to him.

"Yes. Exactly."

"OK. And that's more important than the ability to record alternate futures?"

"It's all part of the same thing." His voice was tighter, as if he was getting a little angry. "It took me 15 years of meditation, guided by a guru, to begin to see what I showed you the other night on my TV. ...no...That's not quite right." He paused, letting go of her hands, turning his attention to the hors d'oeurves. He picked up his fork and gathered his thoughts.

"I only showed you one past last night, our mutual subjective past. But remember, this thing records all possible pasts..." He stopped realizing she was lost.

"Monty. Tell me. Please." She looked tortured, as if she didn't really want to hear whatever it was she was about to ask him. "Why...why me?"

Before he could answer she went on. "You're wealthy. You're gorgeous. You have everything. Why would you take the time to be with me? And now that you know about me...why burden yourself with me? I'm not just asking because I'm insecure...I am insecure..." She laughed a little. "But really. I don't want to get hurt any more than I already am, so if this thing you've got for me is just entertainment, I need to know. Now."

His lips pressed together and his forehead creased a little.

"You might not be surprised to hear that I've given that quite a bit of thought."

She raised her eyebrows slightly.

"I've said it before...accidents rarely happen. We 'bumped' into each other and I felt the most amazing things I hadn't felt before. What's up with that? I asked myself. I meditated. Deeply. I observed things about that accident and our wonderful lunch afterwards. I can't be sure of the future any more than the gadget can, but I can see alternate pasts...up to the present. I traced some of those -- the ones with highest 'probability.'" He raised his hand to stop her from interrupting. It was clear she wanted to know more. "They all led to us going out to lunch and to dinner the subsequent date. Every one. (With the highest probabilities...I've stopped looking at the low probability pasts -- they're just too weird).

"And today, just now, you've revealed your 'sickness' to me. And, freak that I am, it all came together. Our futures are intertwined, just as our pasts have been. There's a very high probability of it."

"Freak? Geek. You're a geek for sure, but you don't hold a candle to me, Monty. I'm the freak. What kind of 'high probability?' She took another bite to hide the trembling. Definitely freaky. Freaking me out. Who the fuck is this guy?

"It's hard explain. Impossible. Like trying to explain a dream. Doesn't translate. But can you trust me enough to believe me when I say that our getting together wasn't an accident, that our futures are intertwined? Beyond a feeling that it will continue to be pleasant, I can't really get any details."

"But why me? What's so important about me that someone like you should be together with someone like me?"

"It's not 'someone like' you, or 'someone like' me. It's you and me. Our futures. Shit. I keep forgetting. This would be a lot easier if I could show you." He paused. "Would you...could you...come back to the house with me. After dinner? Now?"

The feeling in her groin intensified. It had been lurking there since her third drink and now it broke free for a moment. The house. A constant audience. She felt moisture beginning to flow in her...yoni...she liked that word. I am such a slut! Yes! Take me home! Fuck me in front of your camera! Don't ask me! Make me!

"But what about dinner?" She was a little hungry, they hadn't even finished their first course and she was trying to find a way to stall for time.

He caught Charlie's eye. "Charlie will take care of it."

"Hold on a sec. Let me use the bathroom."

The table was situated near the bathrooms -- two single handicap rooms, unisex. The minute she locked the door she dialed Patti. Be there. Be there. Answer. Answer Answer. "Patti, oh thank god you're there....Yes. I'm having a real problem. With Monty. Yes. I told him!...Thank you...but, well, it's not working out so well....No, if anything he's been a mirror image of you!" She laughed briefly. "Right. Well, anyway, I'm practically shaking I'm so anxious. So, we had a drink, and then another, and, well, now he's taken me out to dinner, and he's apologized profusely and...well...he wants me to go home with him...I don't know...I don't know. He says it's because we didn't finish what he had hoped to show me Friday night, that I ran out before he could really tell me the whole story...yes, I believe him, it's just I can't imagine being in that house. What do you mean? Why do I have to spell it out for you? The camera...I...I just don't trust myself...to STAY DRESSED! I don't know what to say, Patti - I just can't pretend I'm going to stay dressed. I'm already contemplating stripping for him and we haven't even left the table yet. No...he's been a perfect gentleman...I know, right? But what should I do? Shit Patti, you're no help at all! Okay. Okay. I know. Thanks. I'll set up an appointment for later in the week. Thanks. Sorry to bother you."

She washed her hands and face and took a long look in the mirror. The face she saw staring back at her didn't look much older but she felt world-weary. She wanted so badly to make this work with Monty. He seemed like such a great catch, but she couldn't get over her neurosis...and his seeming neutrality about it made her question whether she could ever be happy with him.

She set her resolve and returned to the table.

"I've asked Charlie to box everything up, if you are still okay about getting out of here...otherwise, we could take it to go and sit somewhere else if you'd prefer."

"No...no, I think I should give you a chance to explain, and if it needs a demonstration, I think I can make it back to the house."

He backed out of his chair, finished his drink and offered her his hand.

She was a little dazed and in spite of not really certain of his motives or her own self-restraint, she apparently did trust him enough to go home with him. Oh, therapy is going to be hot this week.

In the car, his car -- she'd left hers at the bar -- he tried to explain a little further.

"There are only three gurus in recorded Hindu history who have claimed to have 'Forsight.'" He began.

She couldn't believe he had started up this way. She turned to him. "What?"

"Sorry. I know it sounds completely out of context, but bear with me for a sec. The ability to see alternate pasts is achievable with enough guidance, meditation and practice. In every generation there are at least a few gurus who claim to be able to do that. It's more than a parlor trick -- there must be some survival rationale for it, to put a Darwinian frame around it -- for some communities especially those in terrible trouble, it can help guide their future knowing no other past was more likely than the one they are on. Or, upon occasion, they may learn the track they're on is really one of the unlikely 'pasts' and they can take steps to correct their course.

"But 'Forsight,' Forsight is different. It is purported to be visions of likely futures. Not just the kind of probabilistic predictions all of us make -- those are simple compared to this -- but clairvoyance in high definition.

"What if, what if the gizmo I've got is a means of helping people achieve Forsight? I know, I know." He held up his hand again to stop her. "I said it couldn't see into the future more than a picosecond. But remember, that was capturing along the time axes. Along the Space axes? It's all there -- whatever happened or will happen shows up. Our simulations suggest it's pretty disorienting...we're not built to see the world that way.

"But more to the point: what I said is 'a means of helping people achieve Forsight' -- meaning, by working with it, I think people can actually change the way they perceive the world. What if this thing is the first step on a complete revision of the human race? I said it the other night and I meant it -- we are looking at a discontinuity unlike any we've seen in our species -- since Homo Erectus left the jungle." He looked over at her. "When I think about it too carefully, I'm more than a little frightened by it."

She was only listening with half an ear. Most of her attention was still focused on what would happen at the house. In spite of her apparent resolve, and her brief discussion with Patti, she was still second-guessing the future. If only she had this Forsight he was talking about, maybe she could put her mind at ease.

As he continued to prattle on about it, she was losing the battle with her inner demons. Her lips started to tremble and by the time he had confessed being a little frightened she realized her hand was shaking. She held it out in front of her, confused.

"What's going on Marcie?" He looked at her staring at her hand.

"I don't know...I can't go there. Monty. My hand. My body. I...you...please stop the car." She started to shiver and broke into tears.

He hesitated, still confused by her sudden change in behavior. He imagined this was what an epileptic fit looked like. He stared at her for a moment and then pulled the car over to the curb. "Marcie? What's going on?"

"Monty. Take me back to my car. I can't go to your house. I can't go there. If I go there I'll just...I don't know what!" She sobbed between words. "Take me back to my car. Please."

"Marcie. I'm so sorry. I've been an idiot. You're absolutely right of course. Let's just sit here for a minute and collect ourselves. I so want you to understand what's going on, but how stupid of me."

He shut off the engine and put his arms around her as best he could with the bucket seats.

Stopping calmed her down immediately. The minute I walk in there, I know I'll just want to strip. I just know it! I can't do it! Why is my body turning against me? She could feel herself loosening up at the thought of unseen eyes looking at her.

"It doesn't matter," he said as soothingly as he could. "I want you to see what is really going on, but it doesn't have to happen tonight. When you are ready." He stroked her shoulders and kissed her neck lightly.

She didn't push him away. She wanted him. She wanted him to love her, she wanted to love him. Love. There. She'd said it...or, she'd thought it. Again. I think I'm falling in love with him. Shit! "No, Monty. I'm not sure I can ever go back there. I'm sorry. But how can I go back to the one place in the world I know people can see me, where my most intimate moments are visible to anyone who has access to your gizmo? I can't. How could you make me?"

He sat silent for a few heartbeats. "Marcie," he said gently, "you can't let this stop you. You have to get back on the horse again. If you give into these fears, you'll never get over them. I promise you, you only need to come and see what I've got there. You can keep your clothes on. In fact, I insist you keep your clothes on." He said it as a joke, and it made her smile, but she was unswayed. He kissed her chin, her cheeks, her eyelids and then down to her lips. She still didn't push him away. He explored her mouth, letting his hands roam on her back. She melted into him.

"Marcie?" He pulled away slightly. "What can I do to get you over this? I know. It's a huge favor to ask. More than a favor. A huge sacrifice on your part. But I don't understand how you'll ever face your fears if you don't face this one. I'll help you. Let's do this together. Seriously, I really will insist you keep your clothes on. (I can't believe I'm saying this to the most beautiful, sexy woman I've met in my life)" Again she smiled and relaxed a little.

"Monty. How can I? I want to be naked right now. In your car! In the restaurant. Knowing you or anyone else can watch me. I just want to show my body off! That isn't normal! It's wicked!" She looked away, humiliated at her defect. Her disorder.

He started up the car again and put it in gear.

"Where are we going?"

"What can I say? I'm taking you back to your car." He was irritated.

"Monty?"

"Yeah."

"Are we going to be okay?" She sat up in her seat.

"I'm not sure, what that means. I'm not sure what we have entirely. Let me just say, the future I saw had you over at my house. If not tonight, sometime soon. It's always possible it was wrong. I don't believe everything I see in my visions, but the probabilities seemed pretty high you were coming back. What do you think? Are we alright?"

"I don't know," she said quietly. She sniffled. What am I doing? Why am I throwing this away? This is the best thing that's happened to me in my entire life and I'm fucking it up! So what if I get naked? He's said he doesn't care! Just go over there!

He had turned the car around and was heading back. He had no time or space in his life for trivial irritations, but the future he had seen made a lot of sense. It didn't matter one iota to him whether she spent her entire life naked -- that was immaterial in comparison to what he envisioned they would do together. Something was missing from the equation. Something he needed -- or she needed -- to do to get this future back on track. He had seen a future that was so much bigger than anything he had seen before, and he was certain she was fundamentally a part of it.

"Monty?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you're going to think I'm completely bonkers, but it's okay. I think I can go over there now."

He looked over at her, dead pan. "Are you sure?" He pulled the car over again.

"Yes. I'm okay. I realize I didn't give you a chance the other night and that wasn't fair. You obviously were trying to tell me something and I didn't wait. But now that you know what's wrong with me, I hope you'll cut me some slack, yeah?"

He assured her that as far as he was concerned there was nothing wrong with her (except he wasn't too sure about this latest stunt), pulled a 'YUey' and headed back to his place.