No Fool Like an Old Fool

Oh Shit! I'm going to be late again. This was my thought as I rounded the last corner leading to my apartment building. It was 3:25 and my wife Helen, had told me to be home by no later than 3:00.

Her sister Tammy and her husband were joining us for our traditional Thanksgiving dinner and they were bringing Helen's nearly 90 year old mother with them. Our daughter, Megan and her husband Nick were coming as well, and they were bringing my grandson Bobby too.

I had glanced at the contents of the thick manila envelope next to me. I had paid out nearly $6,000 dollars over the past month for basically nothing. Every picture, showed nothing. All of the incident reports said nothing. But my gut told me that there was something going on. Call it psychic powers, call it a male intuition call it kismet, but something about my wife and my marriage was not right.

I'm Hiram Walker, my mom named me after some old guy who had given her a job before she got married, and she'd promised to name her first son after him. I'm 54 years old but I keep my self in very good shape. I'm a doctor, with a small family private practice, but I do hours at a local hospital in town as well.

Maybe that was part of the problem with my marriage, the number of hours that I work can't be great for my relationship, but in my business, it is very important that I be accessible to my patients. There was also the case that I love what I do, I just like helping people, and making them feel better when they're sick or injured.

My wife Helen is a different animal. We met and fell in love almost 25 years ago. I was working at the clinic that eventually became my private practice. She was a real estate agent and helped me secure the financing I needed, to buy the building that housed the clinic. She was a few years older than I was, but she was quite the stunner then.

Of course after we married, she kind of let her self go but I love her far more today than I ever could have back then. Our shared history, and all of the years we've spent together have linked me closer to her than I was to my own mother, but lately something is not right.

Why should I care you ask. Helen will be sixty in a few weeks. Her once proud breasts now sit low on her stomach where they once thrust outwards and upwards and caught the eye of every man who passed. Her ass is now wider than the seat in my Mustang which made it extremely unlikely for her to ever ride in the car with me. I guess there's the fact that like I said before, I love her. And I love her a little bit more each day. There is nothing I wouldn't do for Helen.

It's kind of like being a pro Baseball player. You can have any glove you want. There are tons of companies offering you money to use their gloves, but you still love the glove that you've used since you first started playing the game. Every other glove you try may be newer, or have new features, but they're just no your glove. Helen was my glove.

As I drove down the ramp leading to my buildings under ground parking garage, the sound of the Mustang's potent supercharged V8 growl made me feel a little better. No matter where I was or what I was doing, that sound just resonated through my soul, reminding me of happier times.

It took me back before oil embargoes and $3:00 gas prices, back when I had no concerns and no problems.

As I got out of the car and hit the alarm button on my key fob, I saw Kelly Cullum, she was getting out of her car as well. Kelly worked in the same hospital I did as a Pharmacy technician. As a matter of fact I'd recommended her for the job and helped her out with some of her classes in college. She ran to catch up with me and I stopped and waited for her.

"Hi Hi," she smiled; it was our own inside joke. Kelly was the only person who called me Hi, her version of a nickname for Hiram.

"So, what do you think?" she asked waiting for my opinion on something.

"I'm sorry Kelly," I said. "I'm not sure what you're asking about."

"My Mustang," she said looking hurt.

"I mean it's not a Shelby GT 500, but it's the exact same color as yours," she said. "I've even got the same rims, and the same interior," she said smiling again.

"That's great Kelly," I said mustering more enthusiasm than I really felt. I wondered why Kelly at 32 was still trying to impress me, as if she was still just that 18 year old girl who'd moved into the building so many years ago.

"What's got you so down that you don't want to talk Mustangs?" she asked looking suspiciously at me. I didn't say anything I just screwed up my lips and pushed the elevator button for her floor and then mine.

"Hiram, is anything going on with you that I should know about?" she asked.

"No Kelly, everything's fine, maybe it's just old age catching up to me," I said.

Kelly started laughing, as I said it.

"You're not old yet," she said. "In fact you're just about perfect. If there's anything you need, or if you just need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you," she said as she got off of the elevator and left me alone with my thoughts.

Our apartment occupied the entire south side of the building on the top floor. Since it had originally been more than one apartment, that we had combined, we have more than one entrance. I really didn't want to go in the front way and face Helen and the family and lots of questions about where I'd been and why I was late.

I figured I'd sneak in the back way, near the kitchen, and ease into the celebration. I really thought that Helen and everyone else would already be seated at the table eating. But I guess all of our years together had taught Helen a few things about me. It turns out that she had told me to be home an hour before she told everyone else. So even though I was a half hour late, I was actually early. I eased the door open, I wasn't trying to spy on anyone, I swear I was just trying to sneak into my own home, when I saw them.

My brother in law Ted came walking into my kitchen like he owned it. He grabbed a handful of Helen's ass, like he owned it as well. Helen had turned around like a scalded cat, ready to slap him until she saw who it was. Then she turned back to whatever she was doing. Ted wrapped his arms around her caressing her breasts and pushing his crotch into her ass, and I watched as my wife leaned back against him. I took out my iPhone and recorded a few seconds of video, and snapped off a few pictures, then turned and went back the other way. I went in the front door and after saying hello, to all of our gathered friends and family, went into my study, to think.

My name is Helen Walker, I made a terrible mistake, it cost me my happiness, my marriage, and the love of a man that would have loved me forever.

A few months ago, we were having a family get together, and my sister's husband Ted, who is a really nice guy, was working with me in the kitchen. My husband Hiram, whom I love completely, was outside manning the grill on our balcony. My sister, Tammy was lying down on the bed in our guest room because she had a headache. Tammy always seems to have a headache. I think a lot of them are because she's lazy and just doesn't want to do any work.

As Ted and I chopped the onions and made the sauce, we were in very close quarters and his hand accidentally rubbed across my ass as he reached for a bowl.

It had been a long time since anyone had even thought about copping a feel on me, but in my younger days I had to really struggle to keep guys away from me.

"Sorry," Ted had said. "That was an accident."

"Too bad," I replied.

Ted and I had looked at each other, and time just stood still. He tentatively reached for me and pulled me to him, and we kissed. It was different from the way that Hiram kissed me. It wasn't better, or worse it was just different. In some ways I preferred the way that my husband kissed me. But for the past few years, Hiram's kisses were very perfunctory, just business as usual.

I remember when Hiram's passion could set me afire. Ted on the other hand, gave me the impression of desperate need with his kisses. It was as if he needed me so badly that he couldn't live without me, and I loved feeling that.

He grabbed handfuls of my big, nearly 60 year old ass and made me feel like a tight bodied thirty-year old again, and I loved feeling that as well.

"Wait," he said, "We shouldn't do this."

As I regained my breath I nodded in agreement. After all, his wife was my sister. And I was glad that he'd had enough sense to stop, because I wasn't sure that I would have.

I guess that at this point in my life I needed something. I could feel my youth and vitality ebbing away from me and maybe I was just looking for one more chance to feel like a young care free woman before I truly became the old woman that people saw when they looked at me.

Hiram did all of that running and working out, so he wasn't getting old as fast as I was, and he's also 8 years younger than I am. He could easily pass for forty, and society views aging men and women differently. An older man is distinguished, or experienced, but an older woman is just old.

You see lots of couples where an older guy ends up with some hot younger chick, but very few where an old bag nets some young stud muffin.

So maybe I just wanted an innocent fling before I was relegated to granny status for the rest of my life. At any rate Ted wasn't going to be it, because he steadfastly refused to do anything other than the occasional kiss or feel. He was definitely a chubby chaser, so my curves didn't turn him off at all. But as I said other than the occasional secretive kiss or game of grab ass at a stolen moment during a family outing, nothing ever happened between us.

By the time that Thanksgiving rolled around I had completely forgotten about my, in my eyes, innocent habit with Ted when he came into the kitchen and grabbed my ass, it came as a big surprise to me. I reacted to his initial touch by whipping my head around to see who it was, and then when I realized it was Ted, I just relaxed and let him, after all it wasn't as if anything serious would happen. Besides Hiram wasn't home yet anyway, and it was very unlikely that any of my lazy assed relatives would offer to do anything other than eat and then leave.

After Ted left the kitchen I heard the front door open and close, and knew that it was Hiram, almost an hour late as I expected. But in reality he was just a little early. All the years of living with and loving that man had made him predictable. I knew he would say hello to everyone, and then make a beeline for the kitchen, to apologize to me for being late. The thing about it is that he really would be sorry about being late because he loved me so much, but he couldn't control it. As much as he loved me, he loved being a doctor and taking care of his patients at least as much. So if he had to make the choice between being on time for dinner, or spending a few moments comforting someone who was about to have surgery, or had just found out that they had cancer; let's just say there had been enough overcooked roasts, over the years to let me know what to tell Hiram.

Don't misunderstand my words though, I love Hiram, from the bottom of my soul, and intend to spend the rest of my life with him, but lately I had begun to need just a little something to make me feel alive.

My Spider sense was tingling though when after a few moments Hiram hadn't appeared in my kitchen. I went out into the living room to see what was keeping him, and found the teeming masses of my family all huddled about the 50 inch plasma yearning for HD. They were watching the same dumb assed holiday special we always watched, but they were oohing and aahing like the show was different because it was high def.

I looked around and didn't see my husband, but I was sure he'd been here. Ted pointed at the study, and I nodded my thanks, as he re-immersed his consciousness in the wonder of the big screen.

I gently knocked and heard Hiram tell me to come in. From the sound of his voice I could tell something was wrong. He wiped his face before he swiveled his chair around to face me but he wasn't quick enough. It really looked as if he had been crying.

"Hiram, What's wrong?" I asked, I was really worried now because in all the years we'd been together, I had never seen Hiram lose it. Not for any reason, he was always the strong one who comforted others including me through tragedy, and helped us see that the pain was temporary, and that things would be better.

"It's nothing," he said, trying to sound cheerful, and failing miserably. "I think I lost one today, that's all."

"What do you mean, you think you lost one?" I asked. It didn't make sense, either someone had died or they hadn't. Something was funny here. Hiram was always the most honest person I knew, but it felt like he was trying to hide something from

me, his wife.

"Who do you think you lost?" I asked taking his hands in mine. Hiram was trembling, I really got the impression that this was something far more personal than he was letting on but I didn't push, Hiram would tell me when he was ready.

"I think I lost Helen," he said, "She wasn't gone when I left the hospital. I guess even then it may have been over. But I'm pretty sure, there's no chance of saving it now, after what I've seen."

He wasn't making any kind of sense. Obviously one of his patients, some woman named Helen. she must've had some terrible disease, and was teetering on the brink of death. Hiram got so involved with these people's lives that it was always a tragedy to him personally when one of them didn't make it. He'd probably seen her test results just before leaving the hospital and knew that she wasn't going to last very much longer. In his mind he should probably still be at the hospital, staying with her so she didn't pass alone, but out of his desire to please me, he had come home. If I hadn't known before this that Hiram loved me, I was sure now. The man sat here wracked with grief, but he had put my wishes before even his patients. That made me feel even worse about what I'd been doing. I was going to have to break it off before he found out. This was like a bad omen or a warning, the woman he lost was named Helen just like me. Of course later I found out that there was no patient named Helen, he was warning me all along.

Hiram

I heard Helen calling me to come to the table and I slowly got up. Although I felt terrible, I had to keep up appearances. There was no reason to let my problems ruin everyone else's holiday. That would be extremely selfish. So I walked to the door, and turned the knob. Every step I took made me appear more composed. I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands, and as I looked into the mirror, I made my face look as if everything was normal. Maybe I looked a little bit tired, but that was easily explained.

As I sat down at the table I forced myself to smile and I looked around the room. There they were, the family. Only one of these freeloaders was actually related to me, they were all Helen's family. Her mother who, was a good woman though at her age wouldn't last very much longer. Helen's sister Tammy, was really a nice woman, but in the back of my mind, I wondered. Didn't she have the right to know what was going on? If I didn't say something, didn't that make me complicit in our spouse's deception?

Our daughter, Megan, maybe it was my fault, all the years I'd spent over-working, that we weren't closer. Maybe that was why I'd felt more like Kelly was my daughter than Megan was.

Megan's husband Nick, was a likeable fellow, if only he could get a fucking job, any kind of job would be better than just sitting at home wearing out the god damned couch. He couldn't even take care of the baby while Megan worked. I had to pay for day care because with only Megan paying all of their bills they simply couldn't afford it.

My Grandson Bobby, Robert Hiram Marks, named for Nick's father and me. I guess they didn't want to alienate either of their possible sources of additional revenue. I wasn't even pissed that I got second billing but had the lion's share of the bills.

I looked down and noticed that I was gripping the edge of the table so hard it was causing it to shake. I also rarely used profanity even in my own thoughts. I had to hold it together for only a few hours, but it was going to be tougher than I thought. I relaxed my hands and looked up to see Helen staring at me. Maybe she sensed my anger, and maybe she was just wondering what the hell was wrong with me. She was probably wondering whether or not I knew.

No she wasn't, Helen was firmly convinced of her superiority over the rest of the human race. In her mind she was smarter, faster and more beautiful than any other creature God had made. no one could ever figure out what she was doing. She was way too much smarter than the average bear. Well fuck you, bitch. I know and I'm not going to let you get away with it. As soon as we get rid of these fucking freeloaders, you and I will have a talk. And it will determine our future.

I looked at Ted, my brother in law. We weren't close but I'd always thought that we respected each other. I guess I was as fucking wrong about that as I'd been about everything else. He was a smug bastard, from the supercilious smile on his face, to the way he gently reached out and took Tammy's hand, no one would ever have suspected that this asshole was fucking my wife. I had to keep it together.

My rage was building and people around the table with the exception of my mother in law, who was so zonked out on her cocktail of medications, that she could barely function, and the baby, had probably noticed it.Maybe that was why they were having trouble meeting my eyes.

Then I looked at the very worst of them. Helen my supposed soul mate. My wife of all these many years. I remember back when we'd met, all of my friends had been against me dating her let alone marrying her. They were all sure that she was too old for me. They were also sure that it was more a marriage of finances than anything else. After all the real estate market had been drying up in our area, and they assured me that she just wanted to get her hooks into some of that "I'm married to a doctor ," money and lifestyle.

The fact that Helen decided to retire within weeks of our engagement did nothing to dissuade them of the validity of their theories either.

Helen nervously smiled at me and tried to break up some of the obvious tension in the room. I tried to recompose my face and smile as she began talking.

"I think my husband is too worried about one of his patients to truly fulfill his duties as host right now," began Helen, "So Ted why don't you say Grace."

The bitch didn't know it but that was literally the straw that broke the camel's back. So that was her theory, I was too busy working my ass off to support her and her fucking freeloading relatives, to fulfill my duties, both as a host and secretly as a husband. So she just got old Ted to fill in for me. As a host and as a husband.

Before Helen start flapping her mouth, I was upset, maybe a little bit out of control, but not unexplainable. But her subtle, to those who didn't know what was going on speech, had set the end in motion.

Ted stood up and tapped his fucking fork against one of those fucking crystal glasses that I had paid an arm and a leg for. then he smiled and looked around the table. I simply couldn't believe the nerve of this bastard. did he think he was on fucking TV?

He had probably already known that Helen was going to ask him to say the grace this year. It was probably going to be the last year that I was here anyway. She probably wanted to get a divorce so she could be with Ted. What about your own fucking sister you duplicitous cunt?

Ted talked about Being thankful for the whole family being together again, and how it didn't happen often enough. Then he segued into families sharing what they had in order to move society forward. I could certainly understand him talking about that. After all he was sharing my fucking wife, wasn't he?