No More Swedish Meatballs

“Come to bed,” Evelyn whispered seductively.

Karl complied. But he came almost before he got through the gate. He clutched at her as he climaxed and then fell fast asleep.

After a few minutes Evelyn signed and lit a cigarette. She lay in bed next to Karl in the dark missing Max and thinking what have I done? Maybe if I leave now he won’t remember. She wondered what she should do about her New Year’s resolution as she dressed. Maybe I should marry Karl, she thought. Everyone I know is married and starting to have children. I don’t want to be left out. But she couldn’t forget the feel of Max’s hard body which was so different from Karl’s. No. I’m going to forget this ever happened she decided.

But Karl and Evelyn blew it on the home front. Their indiscretion on New Year’s Eve got Karl kicked out of the boarding house. The sexual encounter turned into a debacle. Karl could barely look Evelyn in the face.

Max and Karl teamed up and found Karl a great apartment. All of a sudden Evelyn was out of the loop. Max treated her with angry scorn. Her sorrow and desperation turned into a burning red coal of anger. She steamed for a while and then the formed a plan. She didn’t know if she’d go through with it until one day in late February when Max let slip that Karl was laid up with a rotten cold. Evelyn made up a big pot of chicken soup and headed for Karl’s apartment.

Karl was surprised to see Evelyn and was in need of nurturing. Evelyn made a great Florence Nightingale. Just when he was on the mend, she let him catch her crying.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, bewildered.”

“I didn’t want to tell you,” she sobbed. I didn’t want you to know. It’s not your problem. We’re not together so….”

“What is it?” Karl persisted.

“I missed my period,” she blurted out. Scarlet O’Hara couldn’t have played it any better.

Karl felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. But part of him was secretly trilled. That’ll show my damn brother. First time out of the gate and bulls eye. He didn’t think. He reacted.

“Oh, hey, Evelyn, don’t cry,” he said feeling very manly. “It’s my responsibility. We, well, we’ll get married.

Evelyn cried even harder. Here it was: the grand proposal. Where’s the goddamned violins and roses. She lit a cigarette, blew out the smoke angrily.

“No. It’s not your fault. I made this mess. I’ll find a way to clean it up.

Karl was amazed, and stung. “What do you mean? I was there too, remember. That’s my kid you’re talking about.

Oh yeah, I remember all too well Evelyn thought angrily. But in for a penny, in for a pound.

“I’m not even certain yet. It hasn’t been long enough to be sure.” She gave him a chance to back out.

“Well,” Karl blushed. He’d never talked with a woman about ‘these things.’ How, er… how late are you?”

“Late,” Evelyn said shortly.

“Are you, um, regular, um, I mean usually.”

Evelyn was getting irritated by his timidity. “I’m very regular. I’m like a blasted clock.” There’s a nail in your coffin. She lit another cigarette.

She was trembling, and started crying again. “I wouldn’t want to marry a guy who was tying the knot just because I’m, you know….

“Pregnant.” Now Karl was irritated. “You can say the word. Not saying it won’t make it go away. Anyway, I wouldn’t be marrying you only for that. We get along swell. At least we did before New Year’s Eve.

Evelyn brightened. “Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. You and me, and Max, we had a blast, didn’t we

“Yeah. Max can be our best man. Karl was getting charged up. “After all, this is what life is all about. We’re not kids anymore. It’s about time to settle down. I’ve got a good job. We can get a car if we save. Maybe even a house in the suburbs. Do you like dogs? You know, this could be the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”

Evelyn was astonished at his enthusiasm. On one hand, she felt like a heel. But the words coming out of Karl’s mouth were like music to her love-starved ears.

“What do you say we seal the pact? Evelyn said suggestively.

“You mean here, now?”

“Why not? This is your place. No one’s going to kick you out this time.

Karl laughed with abandon. “You’re right. It’s my own damn place, thanks to you.”

“Thanks to us.”

And low and behold, the sex was actually more than adequate this time.

Evelyn was vastly relieved. She’d been vindicated as a woman and felt only mildly guilty. After all Karl was happy, wasn’t he?

He was.

Karl was proud to have a fiancé. In fact, he was the one who made the plans for the small wedding which was to be held in March. Evelyn had assumed they’d just get a license and go to the Courthouse. Karl had other ideas. “After all, you only get married once, right?” Karl wanted to include the gang from the boarding house and even suggested that Evelyn invite her parents and siblings. An idea Evelyn loudly rejected.

So far that was the only fly in the ointment. Evelyn spent several nights a week at Karl’s apartment hoping to make the lie a reality. She found a dozen reasons to put off the pregnancy test.

Evelyn even started to look pregnant. She had the kind of build that even a little extra went straight to her waist and hips. Karl was thoroughly fooled. But he insisted that Evelyn get obstetric care as soon as possible. Evelyn made an appointment with a local doctor at a time she was sure Karl would be unavailable. She told him she’d rather go alone anyway.

So off she went feeling like a fool. She didn’t have a plan and was nervous as hell when she entered the waiting room. There was another woman waiting so Evelyn took a chair off to the side and lit a cigarette with trembling fingers. The nurse misinterpreted her nervousness and gave her a sympathetic smile while handing her a form to fill out.

The office was artificially cheery. It was done up in “Harvest Gold” wall paper and matching plastic chairs. Evelyn blew smoke rings while she filled in the required medical information. When she handed in her form the nurse gave her a glass specimen bottle. Evelyn looked at the woman blankly.

“You have to give us a urine sample, dear,” the nurse explained.

“Oh,” Evelyn said, feeling stupid. “But I don’t have to go.”

“There’s plenty of time,” the nurse assured her. “Just leave it on the counter.”

After about twenty minutes a heavily pregnant woman waddled out of the back room and the woman ahead of Evelyn was called into the examining room. Then a pretty blond woman walked in. She looked as nervous as Evelyn felt. They half-smiled at each other. When the woman checked it with the nurse she also was given a specimen bottle.

“Put the sample on the counter,” the nurse told the blond. A moment later the nurse was called into the examining room. The blond stepped into the powder room. She came out with a full bottle. Evelyn looked at her watch. “Oh, no,” she said to the woman. I have an errand that I have to run. If they call me could you tell the nurse I’ll be right back? You can go a head of me if you want.”

The blond smiled. “I am in kind of a hurry, thanks.”

Evelyn left the room. Her heart was pounding. She took the elevator down to the floor below and went into the restroom. She filled her specimen bottle, smoked a cigarette and waited. After fifteen minutes she returned to the doctor’s office. The examining room was empty. The blond was in with the doctor. As was the nurse. The blond’s specimen was still on the counter. Evelyn made a swap. Now it’s up to fate, she thought to herself.

After another few minutes the blond woman reappeared. She nodded at Evelyn as she left the office.

The nurse called Evelyn’s name. “Were you able to fill your bottle?” she asked. Evelyn handed her the specimen and went in to talk to the doctor. “You’re going to label the bottles, aren’t you?” she asked the nurse as she walked past. “I wouldn’t want you to get them mixed up.”

The nurse said “of course. Don’t worry. We’re very careful.” Evelyn smiled. Then she looked at her watch. “Oh no, look at the time. I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to come back some other time to see the doctor. Could you give me another date?”

The nurse pulled her calendar out looking annoyed. “Next time plan your morning a little better please,” and gave her a date in two weeks.

“I will. I’m sorry. You can call me here with the lab results,” she said, leaving the number at Karl’s apartment.

“Alright. You’ll hear from us in about a week.”

“Thanks.” Evelyn was light-headed and full of adrenaline when she walked out of the building. I can’t believe I pulled that off, she thought. I need a drink. On her way back to the boarding house she stopped at a bar and ordered a martini. It was the first time she’d ever gone to a bar alone. It was a liberating feeling.

A week later the obstetrician called Evelyn at Karl’s apartment. “The rabbit died,” Evelyn told Karl calmly.

Karl wanted to do things right. He wanted things to be different for his child than they were for him. When he got the news about the lab test he went out and bought Evelyn an engagement ring and matching wedding band. Evelyn was overwhelmed. She burst into tears when Karl presented her with the ring.

The man was so good and so sweet. Evelyn wished she could love him. But every time she looked at him she thought of a fawn caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. And she was the truck!

She tried to get into the mood for the Episcopal wedding ceremony Karl arranged but couldn’t eat or sleep for the two weeks preceding the wedding. She felt horribly guilty. To her horror she started to lose weight. When she realized her period was going to arrive just like clock work she thought so much for making the lie become true. What the Hell am I going to do?

The wedding was anti-climatic. It took place on a cool, wet, late March afternoon. The gang from the boarding house came out in support. Many of them seemed embarrassed by the ceremony.

Max stood up as Karl’s best man. He wouldn’t look Evelyn in the eye.

After the ceremony there was a small reception at the boarding house. The women, ashamed that they hadn’t bothered to put a bridal shower together for Evelyn prior to the wedding went all out for the reception. There was a buffet supper and the living room was set up for dancing. There was even a four piece swing band. Evelyn and Karl were thoroughly drunk by the time the cake was brought out.

One of the women gave Evelyn a garter which Max, deeply embarrassed, slipped off Evelyn’s thigh. In thanks, Evelyn gave him a deep, hot kiss – the kiss she’d been longing to give him for so long. Karl was outraged but said nothing.

As the party wound down ribald jokes and innuendos flew. Evelyn didn’t mind. In fact, she loved the attention. As she got louder and more outrageous Karl seemed to sink into himself.

Max saved the day by presenting the couple with the gift of a honeymoon at Niagara Falls. Max had gassed up his own car, decorated it for the occasion, and blown a week’s pay on three nights at a decent hotel. Evelyn and Karl were flabbergasted by Max’s generosity.

“Well,” he said with a rueful grin, “I got you guys into this so it’s the least I could do.” Karl didn’t know what Max meant. Evelyn was enraged by the comment but kept her anger to herself. To top it all off, her period was due in a couple of days. That’ll be just dandy. I’ll get my period in the middle of the honeymoon. What am I going to do? Why the hell couldn’t I have gotten pregnant?

When the party finally ended Evelyn went upstairs to gather together the last few personal items she had at the rooming house. Married she thought. The word echoed dully in her mind. Mrs. Karl Hansen. That didn’t sound any better. Maybe I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole she thought drunkenly. I’ll wake up and be myself again. But that didn’t happen.

“Evelyn,” Karl called from below, “what’s taking so long? It’s getting late.”

As Evelyn picked up her overnight bag she caught a glimpse of herself in the hallway mirror. She didn’t like what she saw. My misspent youth is over. She wanted to cry. As she stood in the mirror she imagined herself in all her permutations and her possible selves. She saw herself as an unwanted infant fighting for life, then an odd ball kid during the ‘30’s. She saw a gawky teenage duckling turn swan during her college years. Shed’ been pretty, she remembered (failing to see the beauty that remained.) She had wildly curly auburn hair and whiskey brown eyes which were level and intelligent. She peered at herself through the thick glasses she’d worn since she was eight years old. Her nose was gentle and her chin firm. She had high cheek bones and a stubborn mouth.

She was short - not quite five foot two and she’d been almost too thin in college. She’d never had the luxury of fashionable clothing. She’d always stuck with the home-made clothing her mother sent her year after year. The clothes were frumpy and often out of date. But the price was right.

Evelyn had grown into her body. She had a womanly build with full hips and breasts. She now had to wear a girdle to keep her stomach flat.

I could be pregnant, she thought as she gazed at herself sideways, sticking her stomach out a bit.

“Come on Evelyn,” Max and Karl shouted. Let’s go.

Evelyn tromped down the steps with her overnight bag in hand. The rest of her possessions had already been moved into Karl’s apartment. They were going to live there for the time being, which was fine with Evelyn. She loved city life.

It was freezing out and sleeting hard when they left the boarding house. They were lucky to have Max’s car although the apartment was only a mile and a half away. They were quiet during the drive, both lost in thought.

Please God, hold my period off for a couple more days, Evelyn silently prayed. An inkling of a plan was gestating in her mind. If her period came during the honeymoon she’d fake morning sickness, then send Karl off to sight see. She’d fake a fall. By the time Karl got back the “miscarriage” would be over and done with. Her periods were always very heavy. Hopefully Karl would buy the story. She’d be stoic about the whole thing and refuse medical help. She’d say she didn’t want to burden them with bills at the beginning of their life together. “After all,” she imagined herself saying to Karl, “women have been miscarrying without doctors for eons.”

Evelyn felt better now she had a plan. She smiled and laughed when Karl gallantly carried her over the threshold of their apartment.

They were both still pretty drunk when they got home. Their love-making efforts were half-hearted and ended up with Karl falling asleep in mid stroke. Evelyn rolled out from under him, got up and slipped on a bathrobe. He wasn’t a bad looking man. So what was the problem? She wondered. Why don’t I feel anything? Restless, she lit a cigarette and poured herself a shot of bourbon. The acrid smoke brought tears to her eyes. She sat in the dark sipping bourbon and watching the angry red coal of her cigarette burn down.

On the last day of their honeymoon when Evelyn sadly told him she’d miscarried while he was out enjoying the sights. Karl was horrified. He held her tenderly while she cried her eyes out. On one level he was sad to have lost the child. But he was also relieved. The thought of impending parenthood had begun to scare him. He was beginning to realize he and Evelyn barely knew each other. He thought it was a good thing they’d have some time to catch their breath and live a little before taking on the yoke of parenthood.

Evelyn jokingly offered a divorce the day after the “miscarriage.” Karl wouldn’t hear of it. He was happy with his prize. They agreed to wait a while before having children.

Max went out of town while Evelyn and Karl were on their honeymoon. He stopped by when he returned and was stunned to find Evelyn thin and spry and not pregnant. Frankly, he was suspicious. He took Karl aside and asked him if he’d actually seen the results of the pregnancy test. Karl was furious at the suggestion he might have been duped. A little knot of worry began to grow in the back of Karl’s mind.

Several weeks later he called the obstetrician to ask about the test. He was relieved to hear that yes, Evelyn had, in fact, been pregnant. Unfortunately he let slip to Evelyn that he spoke to her doctor. Evelyn went ballistic and they had the first of their many hot, bitter fights.

“Why don’t you just say it?” Evelyn stormed. “You feel like you were trapped into marriage.”

“That’s not true. I just wanted to be sure….”

“Be sure of what? That I was really pregnant? You don’t trust me. You think I made up the pregnancy to get you to marry me. Ha! As if I were that desperate.” Evelyn acted like the cornered animal she had become. She wanted to hurt Karl. “Do you think I would have married you if I wasn’t pregnant?”

“I think you would have married anyone wearing pants,” Karl retorted. “After Max turned you down, that is.”

“Why. You bastard!” Evelyn hauled off and punched Karl in the face. Karl hit back. He’d been bullied a lot by his older brothers when he was little. He could give as good as he got. It was a mean, dirty fight and it didn’t end up in the bedroom like it does in the movies. Instead it ended up with Karl storming out and Evelyn throwing a plate at his retreating back. Evelyn nursed a black eye with a water glass full of vodka. Then she took a bath and went to bed locking the bedroom door behind her.

Secret guilt is a dangerous burden to carry. It festers. Evelyn might have become obsequious in her guilt but instead her self-loathing became a bitter, seething rage. She knew she was wrong, but couldn’t admit it having gone so far out on a limb.

Karl didn’t come home until long after Evelyn was asleep. He didn’t have a black eye, but he had a few bruises. He was miserable. He’d decided Evelyn’s anger was an expression of her sorrow over losing the unborn child. He felt like a heel and was embarrassed they’d actually come to blows. He was ready to make amends but found the bedroom door locked. So he went to sleep on the couch.

Evelyn awoke before Karl the next morning. She felt rotten when she saw him curled up like a little boy on the couch. She wanted to burry the hatchet but was afraid to wake him up. So she set about making breakfast. Karl awoke a half hour later to a gourmet breakfast. He was appalled when he saw Evelyn’s eye. Evelyn’s guilty conscience made her turn away from him when he started to apologize. Karl mis-read the body language and assumed Evelyn was still angry. They ate breakfast silently, afraid to look each other in the eye. Nothing was said of the fight. Karl Thanked Evelyn for breakfast; kissed her goodbye and went to work.

Karl found solace in his work. Karl had friends at work, but they rarely talked about personal matters. Karl spent the day lost in his projects and put the fight behind him. He promised himself it would never happen again.

Evelyn tried her best to cover the black eye but her make up only made it look worse. She was stuck in the apartment until the bruise healed. She was damned if she was going looking like she’d been beaten up by her husband. Only trashy couples got into fist fights.

They never spoke of the fight. Instead they pretended it never happened, and things settled down for a while. Both Karl and Evelyn were avid Pinochle players. They started having friends over on Friday nights to drink beer, play cards and talk politics. It was almost like the good old days at the rooming house. Max even started showing up again. For all outward appearances the couple settled well into married life. But there was a little black spot of rot on the core of their union.

Evelyn became pregnant for real the next fall. It was an easy pregnancy. Evelyn and Karl were both excited by the prospect of parenthood. Evelyn had gone from full time to part time work after the wedding. Karl managed to squeeze a raise out of his company when Evelyn got pregnant so Evelyn was able to quit when the pregnancy started to show.