tagReviews & EssaysNon-Erotic Story

Non-Erotic Story


WARNING: This is a non-erotic story. If you opened this document in error expecting an erotic story, please leave now. If you do not wish to view non-erotic content, please exit now.

By opening this document you are affirming that you want to view non-erotic material. You assume full responsibility upon opening this document knowing full well that it is not, repeat, not an erotic document but, in fact, a non-erotic document. The writer is not responsible should you be offended by this non-erotic material. If, as a pervert, it is unacceptable and/or embarrassing to be viewing his non-erotic story and/or reading anything but erotic material and you want to maintain your high and respected standing in the pervert community, please leave now and I will never tell anyone that you were here.

I will close my eyes and wait an appropriate amount of time for you to leave before continuing with this non-erotic story.

"Did you go? Oh, you are still here. Okay."

Just so you know and there is no misunderstanding because I know some people still get confused with the definitions of fiction and non-fiction. Fiction is made up stuff and non-fiction is not made up stuff, whereas erotic is a really, hot story and non-erotic is being bored to death and wishing you were dead rather than read anymore of a non-erotic story, especially this non-erotic story.

Now, there are always exceptions to every rule, not that what I wrote above is a rule but sometimes the lines of fiction and non-fiction, as well as, erotic and non-erotic, meld going from black and white to gray. Autobiographies are like crossover SUV's. They are not cars or trucks, what the Hell are they, then? There may be some truth in a non-fiction autobiography but, generally, it is all made up stuff, call it creative autobiography. The same gray area applies to erotic and non-erotic stories. What may be erotic to one may not be erotic to another. See? Okay, I'm glad we cleared that up and can move on with this non-erotic story.

In simple phrasing and as a reminder: There is no hardcore and explicit verbiage in this document. This is a non-erotic story which shares and enjoys harmless non-erotic fun (if that is not an oxymoron, I don't know what is). So, if you want to leave now, you still can and you won't hurt my feelings, so long as, before you go, you cast your heartfelt, unsolicited, and sincere vote of 100. I thank you in advance for reading this story, voting 100, and making a public (a nice public) comment.

Now what? Gee, all of a sudden it got quiet now that most of you are gone. Suddenly, I feel pressured to write a non-erotic story.

It is kind of boring when I am not writing about sex and when I am not writing an erotic story. For the first time, since January, I am at a loss of what to write. What the Hell is non-erotic, anyway? Does anyone know because I don't have a clue?

Yeah, thanks, everyone just shrugs their shoulders. You can tell that a bunch of perverts are reading this non-erotic story. Yeah, I know, it's the opposite of erotic, very funny. There's a comedian out there.

Still, who reads non-erotic stories? Well, I guess there are plenty of non-erotic stories and plenty of people who prefer reading non-erotic stories. I imagine a lot of people from the mid-western states of the United States; the Bible belt only read non-erotic stories. Then, I figure religious people like priests, well, maybe not priests. Probably, Bible thumping Evangelists I imagine, well, maybe not Evangelists either after reading about all of those sex scandals, erotic sex scandals. Do you remember Jim Bakker with Jessica Hawn and Tammy Faye crying all of those crocodile tears of insincerity and Christian forgiveness? What about Jimmy Swaggart being caught with a prostitute not only once, but twice. Yeah, I doubt if there are many Evangelists reading non-erotic stories.

I know, probably, the Royal Family reads non-erotic stories. Yet, there were all those hot stories about Queen Elizabeth way back when before she was queen, (who writes for this site under the name of Queen E). Princess Anne was really wild in her youth and, of course, Prince Charles with Camilla Parker Bowles and the torrid affair that they had when they were both married to others. (I can't imagine a torrid affair between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, can you? Now, there's a non-erotic story, the torrid affair of Prince Charles with Camilla Parker Bowles.) Princess Di (God rest her soul) supposedly being impregnated with Prince Harry, by her bodyguard, the Captain of the Guards, James Hewitt (He looks just like his Dad, doesn't he?). Lastly, who can forget Prince Edward's affair and forfeiting his crown of king for a married woman? Now that I reflect on it, I can't imagine the Royals reading non-erotic stories.

And we already know that American Presidents are no different from the Royal Family. They all have had affairs from Roosevelt to Kennedy to LBJ (can you blame him being married to Lady Bird) to Nixon to the first prize winner, the illustrious Bill Clinton with Monica Lewinski. Even ex-President Jimmy Carter was lusting over the women in Playboy, poor Rozalynn. Oh, and even George W's father, George Bush senior had an affair with his secretary (can't blame him after seeing his wife, Ben Franklin Bush, er, I mean Barbara Bush.)

I know, librarians are probably non-erotic story readers but, then, I remember how opposite in behavior librarians are when they are home, kicking off their shoes, letting down their hair, removing their eyeglasses, and getting naked. Oh, how about little, old ladies? Surely, they are the erotic story readers of the bunch. Nah, that's not necessarily true, either. My grandmother had to work as a stripper during the depression to buy food.

So, who the Hell are non-erotic readers? And why is there even a non-erotic category on this LiterEROTICa site. It's kind of like going in a really great candy store and there, way in the corner, in the back, is sugarless candy. Yeah, I know there are people who have diabetes and love chocolate but cannot have the sugar. My heart goes out to them. My mother was diabetic. Still, we are talking about non-erotic stories here and not candy. Why you even brought up candy is beyond me. Oh, sorry, I was the one who wrote that.

I'm bored. Yeah, I know, you are bored, too.

Hey, how about those Red Sox? Damn, they are doing better than they did in 2004 when they won the World Series again since they last won it in 1918.

So, have you seen any good movies, lately? I love movies. I'm always watching movies. I just finished watching Stranger Than Fiction, with Will Ferrell and Emma Thompson. That was a pretty good movie, albeit I knew the ending, as soon as they flashed to the kid on the bike and back to the bus driver and the Granny Smith apple. Damn, it's difficult watching movies when you are a writer.

I went to the doctor for a check up the other day and had to wait 45 minutes, as usual for her to show up. Now, there's an erotic story in the making, writing about a female doctor, only, just my luck, my doctor is a lesbian.

What's the weather like where you live? It's going to be warm here next week, in the 90's they said. I hate the summer as much as I hate the winter. The temperatures are too extreme. My favorite seasons are the spring and the fall.

Do you have any pets? I have a dog, a Rat Terrier, named Polo. I've always had a dog. I love dogs. I'm allergic to cats. My girlfriend has a cat, a rat with fur. Shit, did I actually write that? Fuck, I'm sorry. Now, I'll really get some comments about writing that, a cat is a rat with fur. I mean, c'mon, really, compared to dogs, cats aren't even real pets. I put them in a class just little bit higher than goldfish. Much like squirrels, they are just pains-in-the-ass rats with fur.

I betcha there are lots of women who have cats, lonely women, lonely, weird women, who write on this web site. They probably live alone, just her and her cat(s), while eating nachos and writing erotica. What about me? I don't like nachos. Then, to show everyone how hot they are, they post the photo of their sexy friend Bethany, the thin, pretty one that she hates with the big tits. Somehow cats and erotica go together, don't they? Instead of that tall, lanky, sexy woman as the logo for Literotica, they should have made Cat Woman their logo. "Meow!" Sorry, I'm just tired, it's late and I can't sleep, probably because I don't have a cat to pet. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." My dog is the smart one; he's been asleep for hours.

Hey, have any of you seen a Ford GT, yet? I have yet to see one on the street. They are probably all over the place in California. I've seen a few Vipers and lots of 'Vettes, but haven't seen a Ford GT, yet. I love cars, especially fast cars. I saw a motor transport the other day, crossing over the line into Connecticut (the wealthiest state in the nation) with a fly yellow Lamborghini Gallardo, a metallic black Bentley Continental GT, a jaw dropping, dark blue Rolls Royce Phantom, and a bright red Ferrari F430. The driver of the transport was surrounded by cars with drivers gawking out the window and pointing at the vehicles. Who has that much money to order cars like that?

Okay, the guy, pardon, the woman way in the back with her hand up in the air. You mean to tell me that you have that much money to afford one or all of these cars and you are here reading this story, albeit a non-erotic story on Literotica. What the Hell are you doing here? And, if you more importantly, if you shave off your chin hair, will you marry me? Geez, if I had that kind of money, I, certainly, would not be reading non-erotic stories on Literotica. I'd be driving my royal blue (with red leather seats) Ferrari F430. Oprah, if you are reading this, can we talk?

You know, come to think of it, now that I think of it, non-erotic literature could be as important as erotic literature. What if you were to buy a hand grenade? Hey, it happens, you could be a terrorist, a disgruntled postal worker or a non-erotic story hater. You have 10 seconds after pulling the pin to toss the grenade away. Now, why didn't they warn me of that before I pulled the pin? "Boom!" It should read, READ THIS BEFORE PULLING THE PIN, you stupid bastard.

Are there any gamblers out there? I play Blackjack. I never lose. I count cards. I can count 8 decks while having a drink and making conversation. I played at 13 casinos in Vegas, Foxwoods four times, Mohegan Sun twice, and Bally's in Atlantic City, once. My favorite place to play was Binions on Front Street in downtown Vegas. They play with one deck and the dealer holds the cards in her hand. Shh...don't tell the IRS but, I won $700 within 15 minutes. My problem is I don't gamble; I'm afraid to bet. I just love to play. As soon as I win $300-$500, which usually takes about an hour, I get up and leave the casino. I figure, if I stay longer than that, the odds are with the house to win everything back and more. The longer I play, I figure, the more that I will lose. Now, more and more casinos are getting card shufflers making it impossible to count cards and raising the odds of winning in their favor.

Did you know that Foxwoods in Connecticut is the biggest casino in the world? I figured Las Vegas would have the right to claim the biggest casino in the world. They have five of the biggest hotels in the world with the MGM grand being the biggest hotel in the world, but not the biggest casino. Go figure.

Foxwoods is so big that they finally found an abandoned baby who was left in a private area beyond the casino floor eighteen years ago. Can you imagine that? (If you believe that, I have a bridge for sale.) Everything worked out, the baby, now 18 and of legal age can actually not only walk through the casino, albeit, in his diaper, but also gamble.

What time is it? Does anyone have the time? It's late. I should finish this up and go to bed. Actually, I think the sox game is still on, they are playing the San Diego Padres. (Isn't San Diego one of the most beautiful places in the United States?) I can still catch some of game before I go to bed. Dice K is pitching against Maddux.

Well, for those of you who did not know what a non-erotic story is, this is it. "Sorry."

Report Story

byBOSTONFICTIONWRITER© 5 comments/ 18366 views/ 0 favorites

Share the love

Tags For This Story

Report a Bug

1 Pages:1

Please Rate This Submission:

Please Rate This Submission:

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Please wait
by Anonymous

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.

There are no recent comments (5 older comments) - Click here to add a comment to this story or Show more comments or Read All User Comments (5)

Add a

Post a public comment on this submission.

Post comment as (click to select):

Preview comment

Forgot your password?

Please wait

Change picture

Your current user avatar, all sizes:

Default size User Picture  Medium size User Picture  Small size User Picture  Tiny size User Picture

You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation.

Select new user avatar: