North Star Ch. 03

"Yeah," I muttered between chunks of egg, offering a chipmunk smile. There's no way they know, so why am I freaking out? I thought. The two offensive players returned to some boring talk about flag routes and quarterback sweeps as I quickly finished my meal. "Shit, I forgot my notebook for biology. See you guys at class." I stood up, shouldered my bag, and too quickly lifted the tray. The water glass teetered and fell, splintering as it hit the floor.

"FUCK," I said too loudly, bending over to collect the pieces. "See you later," I tried to keep a casual air.

"See ya." The two blankly offered in return.

I couldn't get out of my head. They cant know right? They cant. Fuck I hate this. I'm never doing anything with him again, it's just too much. I cant let anyone find out that i've sucked his ... that we've messed around or whatever. No one can know — as I rounded the corner to my dorm, my stomach dropped to my feet.

Standing by his room's door was Vice-Chancellor Veronica. In her tight-fitting grey suit, the skeleton woman seemed to reach the ceiling. She was standing with her arms behind her back. The second-in-charge of Willard Brown Predatory Academy was waiting for me. Waiting, but not patiently. Her eye caught me and the stern demeanor seemed to melt instantly. Her arms unlocked and rejoined in front in a single clap. "Mr. Howerton, it is good to see you this morning," she smiled.

"Hello, Ma'am. It is a pleasure to see you too, but ... what's up?" I tried to speak eloquently when addressing anyone associated with the Chancellor, especially after what happened to Jonathon Snellers last year.

Her brow furrowed slightly, "Well, Mr. Howerton, what is 'up' is that Chancellor Simmons has a need to speak with you urgently. Will you accompany me back to Quarant Hall, please?"

I had no choice but to agree. The quiet walk back to the oldest building on campus freed my mind to ruminate on the particulars of the Sneller case. Jonathon Snellers was a lanky boy who had started at ol' Wilbur the year before me. He had a reputation around campus of being a lady-killer and all-around stud.

Everyone hoped they would be invited to the parties he'd throw in his parents' cabin near campus. Nobody was unwelcome at his parties, but the events were dominated by the athletes, models, and trust fund babies of Willard Brown. The overwhelming presence of whom effected a thickening of the air in the house that seemed to render it unbreathable.

A nerd might walk as he pleased to the bar in the basement, but the gazes levied his way would have suffocated him before he resurfaced. However, if one belonged to the class of those privileged during high school, these parties were like a breath of fresh air.

Anyway, the day of halloween last year the neighbors called the fuzz during a particularly raucous black-light party. The officer's teeth and handcuffs fluoresced in the synthetic light as underaged drinkers scattered. Jonathon took the full blame and had been brought swiftly to the Chancellor's office after spending a night in lock-up.

"The chancellor made it look like an accident," Becca had said. "The top right-hand desk drawer has a metal edge the old asshole installed himself. He says he turned too quickly when Jon was rummaging through the drawer." Whatever the particulars of that which transpired on November the first last year, Mr. Snellers was expelled from Willard Brown without his future or right pinky finger.

Quarant Hall had needed to be aired out since the 60s. It smelled like a mixture of rotting oak, moldy carpets, and incontinent geriatrics. I was led by the Vice-Chancellor to the third floor. At the top of the stairs, she pointed down the long hallway to the left, "He is right down there. I have other matters to attend to, please do not dawdle."

I began the lonely walk to uncertainty as VC Veronica descended the creaky stairs. Passing possibly fifty portraits of past principals, I couldn't remember a time I had moved more slowly. The eyes of former Chancellors bore down, ruling me the host of the latest rager, the culprit of malignant teenage fun. I reached the fifteen foot door and grasped the brass doorknob. I cleared my voice with a quite "ahem" before knocking firmly. A curt "Yes" resounded within before I turned the handle and crossed the threshold.

A gargantuan seven foot long oak desk in the center of the room would have dominated the room if it weren't for the bulbous body standing behind. The body faced away from me and had one fist on his wide hip, the other tucked under his chin. He might have been studying the still life of a ship as sea on the back wall, or it could be some power move. An ill-fitted suit only seemed to compliment the height of the body. The cloth was so generous that the true width was hidden behind thick cotton that billowed as it moved.

"Please, Mr. Howerton, have a seat." The body waited to turn until it heard the creak of one of the ancient chairs in front of the desk. A large head, crowned with thinning hair that had been slicked back turned over the right shoulder to face me. The rest of the body followed.

Beady brown eyes pierced into me and I almost held out my pinkies in capitulation. "Good morning, Sir," I gulped.

"Hello, Mr. Howerton. Please relax. You are not in any trouble right now and I have no reason to believe you may be soon." At this I felt my shoulders drop about an inch. "Some information has come to my attention, and I think it important that I hear from you before making any kind of decision."

What does he want my input about? I'm just a student... I thought.

The Chancellor took a seat behind his desk and leaned forward on his elbows, his hands coming together at the tips of his fingers. "As you may or may not know, your roommate, Noah Saunders, has been excused from the fall semester here at Willard and may return in the spring if he chooses." My chest closed inward. The Chancellor paused long enough until it looked like I might respond before he continued. "This is sudden, I know, but students' safety on campus is of the highest priority."

Is this about Noah getting jumped by those guys? But why would they punish Noah and not his attackers?

"You have some good friends who are looking after you, Ryan, and they did not want you vulnerable to someone who may take advantage of you in any way." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I have recently received a report of Mr. Saunders's conduct and I can assure you that the matter of his discipline has been settled. You will be assigned a roommate for the spring semester. If you would not like to have Mr. Saunders return to the school at all, this is something we may discuss at a later time. For now, I, as well as Dr. Shiltz, the school psychologist, think it best that you receive our full support. Any aspect of your eduction with which you are concerned may be discussed when you are of more sound mind, however, I have spoken to your teachers and coaches and we think it best that you take the rest of today off, as well as Friday, the weekend, and Monday." The chancellor stood and walked around the desk with his hand outstretched. "Dr. Shiltz would like to see you today at 4:00 pm in his office. I will have the Vice-Chancellor provide you with directions." He beckoned me to stand; I obliged. "We will meet Monday at 8:00 am to discuss resuming a manageable schedule for you," he herded me to the door, "but please take this time to relax." He pulled a business card from his pocket and handed it to me. I was now standing outside the office. "Here is Dr. Shiltz's personal phone number should you need to contact him. He has dealt with these cases before and you are in good hands with him. Any questions?"

I tried to muster my wits. "S-Sir, I'm not sure we are on the same page. What exactly was Noah s-s-suspended for?" I stuttered.

The great face softened somewhat, the muscles around the eyes slackening in sadness or pity. I could not tell which. "Please see Dr. Shiltz. He will be able to help you break through some of this confusion I'm sure you are feeling. Good bye, Mr. Howerton." The head disappeared as the door closed and a solid latch decisively slid into place.

I was alone with the portraits again and my head was spinning. I have to get back to Noah I thought. I pocketed the psychologist's card, turned, and ran down the hallway. I ran all the way back to the dorm and, panting, threw open the door to my and Noah's room.

And noticed Noah was gone. He was more than gone. The bed on which we had slept the night before was stripped down to the school-provided mattress. Noah's dresser drawers were all open and empty. His chair, the TV, and even the poster of Brooklyn Decker had been pulled from the wall. Sticky tack still clung to the wall and the bottom right-hand corner on the poster had been left behind. I sat on my bed and buried my head in my hands. What is going on? Where is Noah? Why is he gone?

"There you are — why is Noah's stuff all gone?" I looked up to see Jill glide into the room. I couldn't yet answer. "Are you okay?" she asked as she sat down beside me. She laid her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around me.

"You did this didn't you," I muttered. "You made some threat after I told you we messed around and now this is your revenge. You got him suspended, didn't you?"

She looked up, startled, and moved her hands to my right bicep. "No! How could I have done this? I couldn't have Noah suspended, Ryan. I didn't make any threat, and even if I had, remember what I told you this morning? I'm trying to build trust with you!"

"I don't believe you. You're a snake. I want you to leave." I shrugged her off.

"Ryan, don't say anything you'll regret. Let me help. Please!" She tried to grab my hand.

"If you didn't get him suspended, then you definitely cant get him un-suspended." I shrugged and inched away from her body.

She inched closer to me. "What if I called Daddy? My parents and Noah's parents are members at the same golf club and I'm sure they'd be able to see if they know anything."

I couldn't handle all this talking. I turned my head to look her in the eyes, "Just stop, Jill. I don't need your help. I just want to be alone."

"Just let me help, please" she repeated, looking out from under her waxed eyebrows.

Reclining, I lay on my back looking up at the popcorn ceiling of the room. "I don't think you can help with this. It's gone too far and I don't know what to do. I'm standing on a diving board over an empty pool during an earthquake."

Jill lay down and starred at the ceiling. She slid her left hand into my right hand. Our fingers interlocked.

I wasn't sure how long we lay like this, staring at the infinite variability protruding from the common white ceiling. All I knew was that it ended when Jill leaned over to kiss me. She started on my cheek, but moved to my mouth as I didn't turn to face her. I didn't help her at all, but I didn't want to stop her as she unbuttoned my pants. I shouldn't be doing this, I thought. But why? Noah is gone and isn't this what you wanted? You're straight and now you don't have to worry about Noah coming on to you or anything. I looked down at my ex-girlfriend as she unzipped my pants. She is super hot, you said it yourself earlier today. She tugged at the waist of the pants and looked up, asking for me to lift my butt and free the jeans.

"I can't," I mumbled.

"Shh," she offered, "everything is going to be fine."

I found my voice more this time. "Jill, I can't do this. I need to figure out where he is. I need to talk to him. You need to leave."

"Ryan, you'll feel better if you just let me—"

I stood up and buttoned my pants. "It's not happening, Jill. We can 'build trust' some other way, some other time."

Her eyes flashed for a moment, but returned to a gentle stare. "Okay. I'll leave you alone, Rye. Please call me if you need anything, I guarantee I can help."

I didn't respond, but maintained eye contact. She paused before standing on the floor and slowly crossing the room to the door. She opened it, looked back over her shoulder, and then disappeared as it closed behind her.

I let out a sigh and felt myself relax. Now that she's gone, I thought, where should I start? I scanned the room for clues as to who Noah was with when he left — he had to have had help packing up his whole life in less than 4 hours. Half the room looked dead without Noah's things. The desk in the corner was spotless where before there wasn't an inch of open space left on its surface. They couldn't have remembered to grab everything from the desk right? I moved across the room and searched the drawers of the table meant for studying. All I found was a bent paper clip and a box of unused Ticonderoga pencils.

I sat down in the desk chair and looked back toward Noah's bed. What am I even looking for? I looked through each drawer of the empty dresser and came up empty handed. Nothing is going to be in his dresser still, dummy. Maybe he wrote you a note in your desk or something. I feverishly rifled his own study area, but again found no clue. "God dammit," I muttered as I slammed the last desk drawer. I was so fed up with how this day was going. Frustrated, I returned to my bed and lay down on my pillow. Fuck this ceiling, I thought, and fuck this day. First, Q and Ted seemed to know what Noah and I had messed around — or whatever — then I had to talk to Chancellor Simmons who thinks I'm about to go full looney, and then Jill starts acting all weird. All I wanted was to play some video games with Noah and go to practice like any other day.

I rolled over and slid my hand under the pillow. My finger collided with a hard object. I jumped to my knees and threw the pillow across the room. It landed in front of the door. A book I'd never seen before was laying under my pillow. It was a black leather hardcover book with a red elastic band over the open edge. It looked like a journal. I seized it and pulled back the elastic band in a flash. I opened the front cover and saw "If you found me, put me back and forget you ever saw me" scrawled across the inside cover in big letters. Yeah, right, I thought as I began thumbing through the journal. The entries had dates, but no signature, so I flipped to the latest entry. This one didn't have a date, but it read:

Ryan, I hope that you find this before you hear anything from anyone else. I'm sorry I might have been weird lately, but I don't want to push you into anything you aren't ready for. I was going to give you time — am going to give you time — but I want you to know that I have to go away for a while. You know that father is a state senator and you know his position on people like me. I've never told him before because he always makes jokes about how it's "all in the brain" and "can be corrected." But it seems I couldn't hide long enough to leave. He got some call last night and is furious. I just spoke to him after you left for class and he's coming to get me. I think I'm going back home. I hope I get to see you again. I hope you want to seem me too. You're my best friend, Ryan, if nothing else.