Not Again

She settled into becoming a stay at home wife and I pushed it at work to be the best breadwinner I could be. After all, I had my family to support.

For five-and-a-half years I floated on air, then I noticed a pinhole in my balloon. Vicki was still the perfect mother and rocked me in bed three to four nights a week, but there was something there, just under the surface. Something I couldn't put my finger on. I let it slid until I noticed the far away look in her eyes when she thought I wasn't looking.

"Hon, are you okay? You look distracted," I said, walking up behind her as she stared out the window.

"Just thinking about how happy I am," reaching back for my hand.

I kissed her hand and forgot about my groundless suspicions. We were in love, that's all that mattered.

After completing a major project at work, that took three long grueling months, I took my bride out to the best restaurant in town.

"I'm sorry I haven't been home as much as I should have these past months, but the profit we made on that project more than made up for it." I reached into my pocket and brought out a red velvet box and opened it. The ring contained six perfect diamonds, one for each year we'd been married.

The look on her face was priceless.

"You shouldn't have," she said, but pulled it out and tried it on. It was expensive but we had plenty of money and I wanted to do something special for my wife. She hadn't bugged me about my hours and had gone beyond what most wives would have. Life was good again or so I thought.

When our lovemaking went from four times a week to maybe two, I said nothing. She said she was tired and sometimes not feeling well were the excuses she used. I didn't bug her but took notice. When I waited three weeks for her to initiate sex and she never did, I knew something was up.

When I walked past the den and saw her on the computer I smiled and asked if I could help her with anything, being the computer expert of the family. The surprised look on her face said bunches. She looked up and said that she was just finishing up and twenty seconds later she closed her laptop.

"I'd better think about dinner or you'll be taking us all out tonight," she said with a weak smile. With a peck on the lips, Vicki headed towards the kitchen.

As I watched her walk away my curiosity got the better of me. When she turned the corner I snuck into the den and opened her laptop. It was still on her home page. I spent the next ten minutes trying to see what she had been working on. Nothing. Her history along with her e-mail accounts had been erased. I got that old sickening feeling in my gut.

Now I watched her like a hawk. I kept a daily log of anything that was out of the ordinary. The little things started to add up. Out of the blue she started having lunch with her sister during the week. I had no hard evidence but every time I asked her what was wrong I got the same old excuses. Nothing was the same anymore.

When I'd finally had enough, one day I followed her when she mentioned another lunch date. I hung back in my rental and watched as she dropped our children off at her mothers. She had on jeans and a tank top so she wasn't dressed smoking hot for some illicit rondevu or so I thought. When she drove away, I called her sister's cell to confirm their lunch date as I followed her staying about three car lengths back. She answered on the second ring.

"Steve, what do I owe the pleasure of your call?" I had to be careful not to tip my hand.

"I'm planning a little get to get together for next weekend and needed to know if you've got anything scheduled?'

"Let me look in my phone," she said as her phone went quiet for a few seconds. Then I heard it.

"Mom, can I have a drink?"

"Just a second honey, mommy's on the phone with Uncle Steve." She came back on. "Nope, nothing scheduled. Also tell my wayward sister to call me once in a while will you. I know she's busy with the kids, but a call once in a while wouldn't kill her."

"No problem, I'll give her the message and will get back to you about next weekend." Shit, not again. That's when I lost her at the next stoplight.

Vicki went through a yellow and I was about to run the red when cars filled the intersection. I watched as her car went down one more block and then took a right. Come on damn it. Change!

When the light finally changed I floored it. I took the right and then nothing. There was no sign of her car. I drove around the area for about an hour even perusing the parking lot of two motels in the area. Nothing. I called her cell phone. It went right to voice mail. Shit, shit, shit!

I drove home and waited for her to return. I felt like a drink but thought the better of it. I needed to have a clear head when she finally came home. At 4:30 she walked in dragging Dale and Kerri.

"Steve, what are you doing home so early," a surprised Vicky said struggling to maneuver both kids through the front door." I got up and helped her.

"I had a light afternoon and figured I'd come home to be with my wife. How was your lunch with Amber?"

"Nice," was all she said.

"Where did you guys eat anyway?" Her eyes got wide and she didn't reply right away.

"That new salad place over on Vineland. I don't remember the name but it was nice. Why don't you make yourself useful and grab their bags from the car while I put them down for a little nap."

There was no smoking gun in her car. I was hoping for something to tell me where she'd been for the last couple of hours. I was angry but played the good husband.

With the kids down for the count, I watched as Vicki stripped and walked into the shower. "Dale might have a touch of the flu. He threw up on me when I picked him up at Mom's."

"You want company?"

"No, just going to do a quick wash up. What do you want for dinner tonight?" Food was the last thing on my mind. "How about we bring in a couple of pizzas?"

"Sounds good," Vicki said stepping out of the shower. I moved next to her while she dried off. No visual marks anywhere I could see. This was her third fake lunch with her sister. I remembered how it started with Lucy. The lies were there and the decrease in lovemaking but I had no actual proof. Now I wish I'd had Vicki sign a pre-nup like I had with Lucy. I was fucked.

Dinner was quiet, too quiet. While my two kids ate, I watched as Vicki played with her slice of pizza. Was it guilt?

I helped get the kids ready for bed. I usually wound them up with a little rough housing but tonight I didn't have it in me. A story, a kiss and hug and that was it for tonight.

Vicki walked around like she was in a trance until I snuck up behind her and wrapped my arms around her, kissing her on the neck.

"Steve, not tonight," she said trying to pull away from me.

"If not tonight when?" I said angrily. "For Christakis it's been almost two weeks. When do you plan on taking care of business at home?"

"Steve, please not tonight. I'll make it up to you tomorrow. I promise."

"Fine," I said sarcastically, walking towards my home office. She just doesn't want me to find out she was with someone else this afternoon, I thought slamming then locking the door.

The e-mail I sent to the attorney that handled my divorce with Lucy was short and right to the point. Go ahead with the information I sent you yesterday. File under adultery and I want custody of my kids. I'll get back to you tomorrow but I need this done yesterday.

I knew I had no evidence that Vicki cheated on me, but the circumstantial evidence was overwhelming. For the second time, I had married a great caregiver but a lousy wife. This time however, I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was cutting her loose before not later.

I slept on the couch in my office. I was on my way to work before anyone else in the house was stirring. I had a lot to do today. I froze all our bank assets. I didn't close the credit cards, but I reduced their daily limit. My shark sent me a rough draft by noon. After making a few minor changes, I faxed it back to him. I had the revised divorce paperwork faxed to me by 5:00. For enough money; anything can be done in a day. However, I told him not to file until I got back with him. Tonight would suck but it had to be done.

I came home to a quiet house. "Vicki," I yelled.

"I'm in the kitchen," was the monotone reply I received.

I opened my briefcase and took out the manila envelope. Mine as well get it over with, I thought walking into the kitchen.

Vicki was sitting at the kitchen table, a glass of wine in front of her. She had that far away look in her eyes again. Maybe she some how figured out that I knew.

"You want something to drink?" she asked walking towards the refrigerator.

"A beer would be nice."

She opened a Corona and placed it in front of me. "The kids are staying with my parents tonight." She then took a long swallow of wine. "I need to talk to you about something and you're not going to like it."

I almost said, I already know, but figured this was her show and I just sat there sipping on my beer fingering the envelope.

"For the last month, when I told you I was having lunch with my sister, I lied. I was seeing someone." I almost jumped up and called her a fucking tramp but held my tongue.

"Steve, I've got a brain tumor. Doctor Keup and his staff over the last three weeks have been doing every test know to man to figure out just how bad it is." I was stunned. "Yeah, I had the same reaction. For a while I've been having headaches and having trouble focusing. I figured I was just tired and needed more sleep. No matter how much sleep I got, I still felt off. That's when I went to our G.P. and had a full checkup." She took another long drink. "He couldn't find the problem so he referred me to a specialist."

"Wait a minute," I said leaning forward. This has been going on for months and you never told me something was wrong."

"Steve, when I wasn't feeling up to snuff and turned you down at night you got angry. I wanted to make love with you, but I just didn't have it in me and I didn't want to get into another argument." I slipped the envelope off the table onto my lap.

"Last week I had a Cat Scan and an MRI to confirm what Dr. Keup suspected. Steve, I'm so sorry," she blurted out before breaking down.

I was at her side in less than a second. For the next twenty minutes her head was buried in the nap of my neck. She would stop for a few seconds and then start again. About this time, in my mind I was calling myself a lot of ugly names. How could I think this woman would cheat on me?

I pulled her off my shoulder and looked into those red eyes. "Tell me, what did he say today?"

It took her about a minute to compose herself. "He said that if I don't have surgery, and soon, I'm going to die. I don't want to die!" she wailed reaching for me again.

So the next two hours went and by 8:00 I'd gotten most of what Dr. Keup had said today.

"He wants the two of us in his office tomorrow morning at 9:00 so he can discuss what comes next. I'm so sorry," she said for the second time.

"Vicki, this isn't your fault and together we're going to beat this. You hear me?" She nodded her head but I know she didn't believe me. She was scared and so was I.

By 10:00 she had collapsed on the bed. No wonder she'd looked out of it over the last couple of weeks. She had to be going nuts not knowing. I didn't want to worry you, was her excuse for not telling me. While she slept, I beat myself up on the inside.

The next morning, we stopped for coffee and a bite to eat. Neither of us was hungry but needed caffeine if we were to make it through today.

Dr. Keup was I estimated in his early fifties. He laid it all out showing me the x-rays and explaining what he was proposing.

"Mr. Moore it's not good but I believe I can remove the tumor with hopefully no permanent damage to your wife's brain."

"What are the odds of her coming out of it like she was before this growth attached itself to her."

"Mr Moore, like I told your wife, she has an eighty percent chance of living a normal life if we operate soon. I just don't know at this moment if the tumor is malignant. That will change the odds tremendously and not in her favor."

"When can you do the surgery?"

"I have an opening for next Tuesday and if you agree, we've got a lot to do before then." To me there wasn't an option.

A full physical including blood work is how it started. X-rays, another MRI and a bunch of other tests I didn't fully understand, my bride had to endure. Her parents kept our kids but we made sure to see them or at least call them every night.

On the night before the surgery we were lying in bed trying to some how get even a little sleep. It wasn't working. The only thing I heard was her breathing, and the knowing I was awake, she spoke without so much as looking at me.

"I found it in the trash Sunday." My heart stopped for a brief moment. "I was emptying the household wastebaskets when I saw the envelope balled up sitting on the top. I don't know why I took it out and opened it but now I wish to God I hadn't." She went quiet.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered in her ear. "I thought it was happening to me all over again. I should have talked to you."

"But, you didn't. You thought so little of me that you'd divorce me without even talking to me first?" She went quiet again. "When this is all over, one way or another, I'm leaving you, and I'm not sure if I'm coming back." I said nothing. My actions had already spoken for me.

The surgery took nine hours. I sat in the waiting room until I couldn't any longer. I gave the receptionist my cell number and started walking the grounds. I felt lower than whale shit for what I'd almost done, but the only thing I truly wanted was for my bride to live; even if it was without me.

I felt my phone vibrate and read the text. I ran for the waiting room and Dr. Keup.

He looked almost as tired as I felt.

"I believe we got it all," he said pulling off his cap. "We sent cuttings down to our lab and the initial prognosis is that the tumor was benign." I let out the breath I'd been holding since our conversation started.

"Can I see her?"

"Not right now. Why don't you go home, get some rest, have a bite to eat, and come back later tonight. By then she will be in a room and you can stay all night if you wish." I took his suggestion.

I called everyone and gave them the good news, also telling them to stay away until I let them know she was up for visitors. I thanked her mom for watching the kids and said I'd stop over on my way back to the hospital.

I showered, shaved and had a full breakfast at Denny's not knowing when I'd have time to eat again. I told my children there mommy was doing fine and they'd be able to see them in a couple of days. They wanted to go with me and couldn't understand why not.

"She's really going to be fine isn't she?" her mom asked walking me out to my car.

"The doctor said she's going to need a lot of rest, but she going to be just fine in a month or two."

"I hope then the two of you can work through your problems. It would be a shame for the two of you to break up after all of this." I gave her a surprised look. "Yeah, she told me everything. Now I'll tell you what I told her. All marriages take work and if you don't talk to one another, you mine as well pack it in because it's not going to last. You should have talked to my daughter when you first suspected something was going on and she should have told you when she first realized she was sick. You two have been given a second chance. Don't blow it." With a hug and kiss on the cheek I headed back to the hospital and my wife.

The nurse at the desk told me to go right in. "Your wife woke up about a half hour ago and wondered where you were. I told her you went home to change and to get something to eat. She's still groggy so if she fades out on you and goes back to sleep don't worry."

"Thank you for everything you've done."

"Don't thank me, Dr. Keup did the surgery."

The lights were out in the room but the blinds had been pulled back. The lights from the cars in the parking lot and out in the street bounced off her ceiling and traveled down her walls. She turned to face me when the door closed. I walked to her bedside and grabbed for her hand.

"How are you feeling?"

In a soft voice she said, "Thankfully I'm still drugged up and can't feel a thing but when the good drugs wear off I'll probably start to feel some pain. Thank God I've got this thing,' she said holding up what looked like a red call button. "If and when I start to have any pain, I push this button and I get a shot of pain reliever. Neat huh? Only problem it that you can only push it once an hour. That's so you don't over dose." I kissed the top of her bandaged head.

"Love the new haircut. You going punk on me?" When she gave me a small smile I knew I'd broken the ice. "I'm sorry you found the divorce papers. After you told me about your condition I crumbled them up and tossed them in the trashcan outside. How did you find them?"

"Someone's dog must have knocked over our trashcan and when I collected everything, I saw the envelope on the top when I went to dump the kitchen trash. The only reason I opened it was because I could see my name on the outside and I knew I'd never seen it before. " She went quiet again but never took her eyes off mine. "Imagine my surprise when I saw what was inside."

I started to say I was sorry and give her my reasons but she stopped me.

"At least I know now what you really think of me."

"Vicki, it was a mistake. A horrible mistake."

"Damn right it was."

Neither one of us said anything after that. Vicki lay back down on the bed and closed her eyes. Me? I just sat there in that uncomfortable plastic chair and held her hand until she fell back asleep. It was going to take more than an, I'm Sorry, this time around.

I spent the week going from work to the hospital. I snuck my little ones in on Thursday, which scored me points with Vicki. There were tears, hugs and even a bit of laughter. That is before we got caught and kicked out.

The following week I took Vicki home. I spent three days seeing to her every need, and then was replaced by her mother. I brought home dinner most night, telling her mother she had a husband at home that probably missed her.

"If I know my husband, he's in seventh heaven doing all the things I never let him do. After all this it'll take me a month to retrain him again." I knew she loved Herb to death and I felt bad for him because of all the hours she was spending at our house. But every time I tried to kick her out she'd remind me that I was the breadwinner of the family and that the bills were going to be rolling in soon.

"Don't worry, I'll be gone soon and then you'll have to deal with my daughter and that I don't envy you that job." Then she moved in close and whispered in my ear. "You talk to her yet?"

"Tried to, but she wasn't ready yet."

"Well I suggest you do it soon. She's feeling better and if I know her, that stubborn streak is going to surface pretty damn soon." I took her advise to heart.

We were now eating as a family every night. Vicki cooked about twenty percent of the time and I took care of the other nights. My kids said I wasn't as good a cook as their mother but didn't bat an eye when I brought home pizza or Chinese. I'd gained five pounds since Vicki had come home.

Friday, with the kids hopefully asleep in bed, and no work tomorrow I moved in close to cuddle as we got ready to go to sleep. I'd kept to my side after being rebuffed a couple of times but tonight I was going to push it a bit. When I reached around her she stiffened. I went further.

"Do you want to talk or do we just call it quits and move on separately?" I said softly.