Not Bible Camp Ch. 02

Her parents had real restrictive rules about dating, and not going to any movies without their OK, and they probably would have gotten on her about music, except she only listened to classical, and they assumed it was all harmless. (They mostly listened to Gospel, the kind you hear on TBN and such.) She actually giggled when she told me she'd had to smuggle home 'Rite of Spring' from the library cause it had a naked breast on the album cover.

She told me lots more, but she basically kept out of trouble (with her parents and everyone else) by keeping to herself when she wasn't helping out the old people. She doesn't seem to want to talk about them. Maybe it's because old people are depressing. But that's why she's a better Christian than I am, like I said.

I guess I could just not mention that kiss last night, since this is supposed to be about today. But I already kind of opened things up and I want to get down what happened.

Well, at first I thought I'd just try my best like I'd been doing, and try to give a kiss that said something like, I want to see you again, and I'm sorry I have to go, but it seemed like her lips were ten times softer than before, I don't know how, and then she closed her eyes, and I just naturally closed mine, and it just felt like she opened up, I don't know how else to describe it.

I've never wanted anything as bad as I did to keep kissing her, let my hands go all over her body, and see where it led to. And I wanted it so bad, I let myself think she wanted it too! Just for a second.

I'm not crazy. I know she's not going to fall for some eighteen-year-old who can't even kiss right, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want a man. And maybe, when you don't want or have anybody in particular, you make do with what comes along. I don't know if that's gonna help me with Jill. But I don't think I want to stop, either.

That reminds me of a dream I had last night. It was like the other one; Jill was so close I could smell her, and I got hard again, and she looked down, and this time she smiled, and she said, is that on account to me? Then she said, Bet it can't find me, and she ran off some weird way, it was like she disappeared but it all felt like it made sense somehow. And then I realized my erection was like what my Uncle Jimmy called a dowsing rod; if I paid attention to it, it could lead me to find Jill, but what was more important, Jill wanted me to find her!

So I sort of felt my way along. I went from the garden, to the mess hall, to my own cabin (the place seemed pretty deserted, but I didn't really notice), and I just knew she was in there, and even though we aren't supposed to have female visitors in our cabins (or them males) I was happy as a jackrabbit. I almost tore that door down.

And sonofagun, wouldn't you know it but Counselor Jameson was waiting in there. And, somehow, she was covered by some kind of mist. Like she'd have been naked without it, but with it, you really didn't see no more than you would with camp clothes on.

And suddenly, I wasn't so happy any more. Maybe it was guilt. See, I think deep down we know we're dreaming, so on some level that was exactly what I wanted to see. But it's like part of me is trying to go for Jill, but there's other parts that'll just ruin it by sidetracking me with someone I have no chance with. Could the Devil use someone as good as Counselor Jameson to tempt me?

Anyway, she said as plain as mud, "The only way to her is through me." Then she said, "We all have a door."

I'm not sure where that dream came from. If it's the Devil, then it seems pretty simple: I just need to get over Counselor Jameson and focus on Jill. Maybe my not thinking she's beautiful is a good thing; maybe it'll make us less susceptible to lust. But you're kind of supposed to lust after your wife, and I DO lust after Jill. It just seems kind of murky.

But if the dream's from God, then I should let Counselor Jameson teach me, even if it makes me want her more. I have been more confident with Jill, so maybe this is what we both need.

I didn't really see Jill all day, except for in the morning at the lake. She's just a little pale slip of a thing, I couldn't really see much, and I had to be careful not to make anyone think I was looking.

I knew she wouldn't be around during the day. All the Seventh-Day Adventists (turns out there are about ten in camp total, including Counselor Stone) go off to have a Saturday service, and then a meal, and they pretty much keep to themselves the entire time. I guess Sunday they'll do what we're doing today, which is mostly sports and free time.

I played volleyball, and even met a couple of people, Pete and Dave. Pete's skinny with dark hair, and his eyes always look like they're about to close. Dave's got the kind of hair they call sandy and his face is always kind of red. He's also pretty husky, and he smells like metal, for some reason. I guess they're best friends, cause I saw them making jokes to each other , cracking each other up about something.

Pete asked me if the redhead was my girlfriend. I said not as far as I knew, hoping they wouldn't ask any more.

Dave smiled and said not to worry, they weren't after her, and I smiled, like it was all a big joke, but inside I felt easier, and hoped he meant it.

Well, this is another one of those entries that just seems all jumbled together, but I can't really think of anything more to write about. I wrote some practice dialogue, and Counselor Jameson said she had a ton of work piled up so she can't really talk to me one on one unless it's an emergency until Monday, which leaves me all kinds of up in the air, but I can't do anything about that.

June 17

I don't know what to do. I can't be a rat; I've been through that once in my life and I don't aim to ever go through it again, but I'm worried.

The church service was OK; it was nondenominational, but it went like every Baptist service I ever saw. We had worship, with songs (they even had a choir, though no one ever said anything about tryouts) and the hymns weren't ones I was used to, although I recognized one called "Jesus Lover of my Soul."

The sermon was pretty good, too. It was about Rahab, the prostitute who helped the Israelites conquer Jericho. Reverend Reems (who I never heard of before) said prostitutes were despised by the very people who used them, and that despising anything makes you forget its importance, and then God or the Devil can use your ignorance as a weak point to knock you down.

But that wasn't what mattered. After the dinner (which was real good: Yankee pot roast, potatoes and carrots, with peach cobbler and ice cream for dessert) I was sitting around with Pete and Dave in their cabin. We were encouraged to sit around, cause play time was yesterday.

Anyhow, Pete said to Dave, Should we show him, and Dave got this grin like he was gonna punch someone in the shoulder and said I better swear not to tell if he showed me, and I said I wouldn't run my mouth, as long as they didn't have a dead body or nothing, and Dave stuck his hand under his mattress and pulled out a bunch of Polaroids and said, How do you like bath time?

Someone must have snuck around to where the girls were bathing in the lake and took a bunch of snaps, even though we weren't even supposed to have cameras. There were about twenty in all, but only two that mattered. One was Jill, the other Counselor Jameson. Dave made sure to pick those two off and give them to me. He said it was his good deed for the day.

Pete said he noticed how every time the Good Counselor said two words to me I ate it up like it was ice cream, and said to let him know if she ever did more than smile. When Pete smiles at his own words he squints even more than usual and it looks almost painful.

Then Pete said I should move quick on one or the other, but if it didn't work out he already knew some girls who'd give it up to anyone on the Q.T.

I know I should tear up the pictures, but it feels almost violent. And I can't stop looking at them – both of them. Counselor Jameson's almost looks like a glamour shot; you get a real good look at her behind, especially her right cheek. It's just so nice and round, and pinker than her back and legs, which are real tan. And she's turning to look behind herself I guess cause you can see all of her face and one of her breasts, and it's a nice-sized breast, maybe a little bigger than a grapefruit, and it's not sagging at all.

There's a big smile on her face, like she couldn't be happier, being naked and outdoors, and it's so perfect, it's like torture. I can't really believe I've kissed those lips, and held that body close to mine, and still, somehow, seeing this feels like a revelation, like a piece just fit in a puzzle.

I don't know what to make of Jill's picture. It looks like she just came out of the water, cause she looks like a wet cat, with her hair all straggly.

It's a front view, but taken from a low angle. You can see she doesn't really have breasts, just more like buds, with dark nipples, and like I said, it's at an angle, so you can see the slit of her squirrel, and her red bush.

She doesn't look happy, and part of me imagines just wrapping her up in a towel or a blanket cause she's just such a scrawny little thing, and I still don't think she's pretty, but I also can't stop looking at that picture. I don't even know what I'm looking for.

If that stuff doesn't knock me out quick tonight, I'm probably gonna cave.