Not Bible Camp Ch. 03

She smiled at that, and I got to say her smiles give Jill's a run for their money. "Once you have the image in your head, keep repeating the words. If we can get your mind to link that symbol with those words, it should help at least a little."

I nodded. I never heard of this symbol before, but as long as it wasn't Satanic or idolatrous, I figured it was OK. After all, just because it was Chinese didn't make it unchristian.

She smiled. "I think that's it for this evening. Just don't let anyone see you with that picture. And, I know it may be tough, but try really hard not to masturbate. We won't put you through anything you can't bear up under, I promise."

It was weird, I felt pretty good about things after that. I really can't say why I got so out of focus after that. Maybe it was too much effort. But that's done with. Now I can relax, and tonight I'll go over what happened today.

*****

All right. First things first. One of the thoughts I've had is that maybe I shouldn't try so hard to write things in order, in chronological order especially.

I mean, if I'm journaling my spiritual progress, and I feel like a disorganized mess, maybe my journal should reflect that. But I like to think of this as a place where I can try to be better than I am. If I'm not trying to be better than I am, well maybe I should've got a job pumping gas this summer, even though most gas stations sell beer and cigarettes, so maybe it's not such a good place for a Christian to work.

But anyways, trying to be better than you are seems like a good idea. Thinking you are better than you are is when you get into trouble, I'm guessing.

So, first thing to get over with is that relaxation thing with the Chinese symbol. It didn't work so hot when I tried it while I was falling asleep, Mainly cause the light was off and I hadn't got it fixed in my mind as well as I should have.

But I tried it during morning meditation and it worked great! It was kind of weird how easy it was to get an image fixed in my mind; I didn't have to stare at it for more than about five minutes before it was just almost etched behind my eyelids, almost.

And I don't know what it was about that symbol, but it just seemed to fill up my brain so I didn't have any room for any worried thoughts, or distracting thoughts, or any thoughts at all really. Once the bell rang signaling morning meditation was over, I just startled awake. I wasn't really asleep, but the time just flew by.

And I felt super-focused. I almost wished I had some math problems or something to read, something to test my brain on, cause it felt like I could charge through anything.

What with trying to catch up on my journal and being a little frustrated about it, I didn't really get a good chance to talk with Jill at breakfast.

And then by the time we had work duty, she seemed out of sorts, and when I asked her what was wrong she wouldn't say other than she had "pains."

Well, when a girl won't tell you what's wrong she's usually either upset with you or it's something she thinks of as private, which usually means it's related to her monthlies. I remember I was browsing through the Old Testament and apparently Mosaic law says that if a woman's on her monthly she has to sit in a tent outside the town or camp or whatever setup there is.

A man has to if he gets a nocturnal emission, but then it's only one day. I'm glad we're under grace now; I wouldn't want everyone to know my business and I guess most women don't either.

Anyhow, she tried to pretend she could work alongside me, but today we had cleaning duty, and I could tell the last thing she needed was smelling Pine-Sol and bleach and oven cleaner and all that mess so I got ahold of Counselor Giovanni and said, "Don't you think she needs to go rest?"

And Counselor Giovanni took one look at her and sent her to the nurse. She said Nurse Olsen is trained in naturopathic medicine and if she can't make you feel better with one of her teas or ointments, you should probably be in a hospital. I felt bad that it meant I wouldn't be spending time with Jill, but I suspect we'd have both got on each other's nerves.

I also discovered if you hold the yin-yang symbol in your mind while you're cleaning, it seems to go a lot faster. I hope it didn't end up with me doing a half-assed job cause I was on auto-pilot, but I got no complaints. I also shouldn't have worried so much about fumes, since all we used was Borax, baking soda and vinegar, but I still think she needed the rest, so I'm just as glad.

Might as well give a quick word about where I'm up to in my screenplay. See, I wrote the outline first, and broke that down into a series of scene descriptions, Which Counselor Jameson said I could call 'thumbnails.'

So basically, I've just been going scene by scene and I've been giving prose descriptions, then reworking it into a screenplay format. But Counselor Jameson keeps saying my dialogue needs to improve, but she hasn't said what's wrong with it, exactly, and I think she has a hard time saying mean things.

So tonight we all saw Adam's Rib, with Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn, and she said to really pay attention to the back and forth, not even so much to the words as how they showed the energy of the characters, and moved the plot along.

I was kind of shocked. For two people in love, they expressed a lot of hostility towards each other. I think if I spoke that way to Jill she'd either cry or not speak to me again. I'm not sure which would be worse, but in the long run, the silence would be worse. I mean, I cried when my parents whupped me, but we still love each other, and talk.

Anyhow, the one-on-one we had was different this time. Counselor Jameson said it was time for part two of my learning how to be calm. Now that I'd gotten a 'mantra,' as she called it, I needed to get in touch with the source of my tension.

She wouldn't say what it was, though. She told me to lay on the couch, imagine the symbol, but before doing the chant I was to feel out what the most tense muscle in my body was, and try telling it to relax. She said not to fix on any one spot for more than a minute or two, but whether or not I felt it relax, to go back to holding the symbol in my head and doing the chant.

If I was alone, either with her or by myself, I could even say the words out loud, but it was probably better to get used to saying them to myself without talking, so people didn't think I should explain myself to them.

She said I should use the time we had together to practice, and not to worry cause she'd be keeping track of the time and wouldn't let me take any longer than I should.

And I have to say: I feel, not just relaxed, but like I spent years tying a knot, just by fidgeting and doing all the things you normally do, and I never saw the knots, or felt them, but now I do. I don't even know if they can be untied. But I think maybe I should try.

But I just had a weird thought: How is this gonna help me be a better Christian?

June 22

Last night just seemed like one long fever dream, at least once I got to sleep. It's weird, though; I woke up feeling like I'd gone through a workout, so I wasn't rested, that's for sure, but I sure felt a feeling of accomplishment, or progress, or something like that.

The dreams weren't like normal dreams, not that I can remember anyway. They were more like memories of dreams, or feelings of dreams. At one point, I 'remembered' that this place only pretended to be a Bible camp, that it was set up by aliens to study Christianity, but if I went along with it I stood a good chance of teaching them about God's love and even converting a couple of them.

I also 'remembered' that God had given me three miracles, which I'd kept secret, and that a fourth one was on the way, one that everyone would see.

I also became convinced that the only way Jill could accept me is if I became the president of a company, then I could have sworn I'd heard that one of my fellow campers or counselors owned a company, so they could hook me up.

This went on and on. And then there were these fragments of dream and memory, like the time I caught some of my classmates cheating on a test, or the time Suzy Carmine had all the boys lined up behind the library, so she could show them what was under her skirt.

Jill wasn't at breakfast this morning. I figured she'd be out of it all day. I considered checking up on her to see how she was feeling, but I wasn't sure who to ask.

My meditation practice was OK. It felt weird to try the relaxation exercises when I was sitting up, and I wasn't about to lay down on the ground, so I just focused on the symbol and on what Counselor Jameson said was my mantra, and felt remarkably clear-headed afterwards.

I'm a little bit ashamed to admit that I zoned out while they were giving the general assignment for morning meditation. It's just I was still buzzing from such a weird night. I guess I was a little fatigued, but I felt like I'd wrestled a dragon, and it was kind of an overwhelming feeling, which to me seems better than those niggling, itching little feelings that just keep calling attention to themselves every so often, so they're like static. I don't know how to put it any plainer than that.

Anyhow, I was real shocked to see Jill show up for kitchen duty. She said the nurse had just let her rest without too much light and kept giving her herbal tea while this incense burned and real soft music played. The nurse had promised her it was non-caffeinated so she figured what was the harm? It made her sleepy at first but then she perked right up again.

The nurse wouldn't let her read cause she said it would give her a headache, but she had a bunch of audiobooks and she played her Vanity Fair and a collection of Hans Christian Anderson's fairy tales. She said the times when she felt drowsy it was like she could close her eyes and see the story play out just like a movie.

She said the Steadfast Tin Soldier had my face, and so did Kay, in The Snow Queen. I only vaguely remember those stories, but the way her face was lit up, while she was talking about 'em, it made me want to pull up a book and reread 'em. I've never been much on fairy stories, but the way she was talking about them made me wish I'd got more from them when I did read 'em.

Today, we baked bread. They had us making all kinds. Everything from plain old biscuits to pumpernickel. We even made some zucchini and banana bread.

For some reason, Jill was a lot more loosey-goosey than I'd ever seen her before. When we were working side-by-side, a couple of times she bumped me with her hip, like it was an accident, except her hips are so skinny she practically had to launch her whole body at me just to make contact.

And then, when we were walking into the cooler, she somehow turned and tripped so that I couldn't do anything but catch her in my arms. And then she squeaked, "Don't you let me fall!" and just wrapped her arms around me and held on like she didn't have ground to stand on.

Of course, right off the bat I started getting hard. And somehow I got the idea that if I held her close enough against my torso, she'd be less likely to feel what was going on down south. So I kind of got my arms around her so I was pulling her up into my chest, when next thing I know, her arms are on my shoulders, and we're looking right into each other's faces.

She grinned, and said, "Big strong man hold me up!" and giggled. She got steady on her feet then, and for a second I thought we were going to kiss, but she busts out laughing and pulls away! Next thing I know, she's pointing at my crotch, and still laughing, which meant she wasn't mad, at least, but still.

"Did I make you do that?" All I could do was nod my head. "Wow, I guess you really do like me."

I decided not to tell her how easy a guy my age gets a hard-on, cause who would that help? Still, it wouldn't have happened if she were a guy, so it's not like she was off the mark either. Specially cause I do like her; I don't know why I'm always second-guessing stuff like that.

I figured she'd just let it go after that, but I was wrong. She kept talking just a little lower. "Do you know what being around you does to me?" she asked, a lot less shy than she'd been. I just shook my head.

"If I was to show you, we'd both be in trouble." I didn't want us to get in trouble, but part of me was just asking to have her show me. "Maybe I could tell you." I never knew she could be this much of a tease. I couldn't say a word, even though I felt like getting on my knees and begging her to tell me. I even thought about whimpering like a puppy, but soon enough, she kept talking.

"Well, to start with, my skin gets kind of tingly." She took her finger and ran it down my arm so I'd know exactly what she meant. "And my face and my neck get kind of warm." I nodded. I'd seen her face getting flushed, but didn't really think it was me.

"I hear my heartbeat start to pick up, and my stomach gets a little fluttery." And then she got an almost evil grin on her face. "And I can feel my panties gettin' damp and my...button gettin' hard."

I swallowed, then wished I hadn't, cause it only made me seem more nervous. "You know what I mean by my button?"

I was some kind of terrified. This sounded like something I should know, or maybe as a Christian I shouldn't. "You mean like your nipples?" I prayed I was right, but God can always answer with a "No," if he chooses.

"No!" she laughed, with a pretend-angry look on her face. "Between my legs, you know where my, you know, my pussy?" 'Pussy' was said in a whisper. I couldn't believe I was hearing her say the word at all. I nodded, cause I do know what the word means. I also know lots of women don't like it.

"Well, where the lips first start coming apart at the top?" I nodded again. "There's a spot that's real sensitive, and it gets hard, just like your part does." Then she looked surprised, and put her hand to her mouth, like she couldn't believe what just came out any more than I could.

I decided to talk quick, before she decided to get all embarrassed and run away, like she did already in the dream, which I didn't want. "So you want me the same way I want you. And I think that's OK. It ain't about to make me act any less of a gentleman, if that worries you."

She blushed even more pink then I'd ever seen her go. "I think for the first time I worry more about myself. I kind of threw myself up against you."

"So, one of these nights are you gonna just jump all over my bones?"

I don't know why I said it. It seemed funny at the time, I guess. But, just hinting she might be that kind of girl, even in fun, could've backfired real easy. Like I said, though, she was in kind of a funny mood.

She pointed to my crotch again. "With that thing swellin' up like a cobra every time I get near you? I'd probably land on it without even trying."

Just hearing that was enough to make it go rock hard again in a flash. I groaned a little. The fabric of my underwear was a little too constraining.

She seemed to realize that, surprising enough. "Do you need to adjust yourself or something? I can turn my head if you want."

I grunted, "Thanks," and waited until it was good and turned to stick my hand in my shorts. Man, it felt tender! I had a brief thought about just giving it two or three strokes to take care of the pressure. I could always say it was an accident, after all. But I didn't want to do anything that would get us separated, and I figured we were close to the line if not over it already, so I just gave it as much room as possible and let it be, then cleared my throat to let Jill know it was OK.

It was still more visible than I would've liked, but I think Jill found it flattering, which was a relief.

She must've figured I'd had all the teasing I could stand for a while cause the next thing she said was we should get back to work, and I agreed cause we really did have plenty to do.

We didn't say much after that, even when we broke for lunch. I noticed she was quiet so I asked to make sure she wasn't upset, and she said, "You ever get the feeling after saying so much about something you need to keep quiet for a while so you don't say anything that messes it all up?" I nodded. Course, I usually feel that way before I've even said that much.

I did ask just before we quit for the day if she wanted to spend time working on our projects together. It felt like I was spending less time with her than I could, and even though it would get in the way of one-on-ones with Counselor Jameson, I was starting to feel like those might not be necessary, like I might have a pretty good handle on things after all.

She smiled and said she thought maybe it was a good thing we had something to occupy our minds with besides each other. Besides, if she wasn't careful she wouldn't be able to keep her hands to herself. She smiled after that, but I was just kind of stunned by what she said.

Next thing I knew her hands were on my face and she was pushing her lips into mine. I forgot all about everything I'd practiced and just kind of let her lips do all the work. Neither one of us tried to stick in any tongue, and it was over in about ten seconds. But I'm just as glad she left after that, with just a soft, "Bye." Cause if I'd kissed her again, I'm not sure I could've stopped any time soon!

Well, I still felt pretty cocky, so I pretty much told Counselor Jameson all about it later, except I left out the part about my erection, and Jill saying her panties got wet. I figured I got the point across OK without all that part. I was a little disappointed that she didn't look to be as happy as I was, though.

I said, "This is a good thing, right?"

She smiled then. "Chris, I'm happy to hear that you two like each other. And that you're both able to admit it to each other."

Then she got a serious look on her face. "But it was her that made the first move, right?"

"Well, actually first we kind of fell into each other's arms, but really that was her, too."

She looked me dead in the eyes then. "So do you see how you're not really making progress?"

"I -- I guess I hadn't thought of it that way..."

"I know, honey. But Jill deserves better than you're giving her right now. Don't you see?"

I wasn't sure I did, but I was too embarrassed to say so. Lucky for me she kept going.

"She needs a man with the confidence to walk up to her and show her he wants her, and she deserves someone who can see her for the beautiful woman she is, sees it so plainly that she can see her beauty reflected in his eyes, see it shining back at her, and I hate to say it, but you can't give her that yet."

"Yeah, but...I mean, maybe it's not some ideal, maybe I'm more lucky than deserving, but...it's happening, isn't it? Maybe I don't look at her like a woman in some magazine, maybe she ain't someone I'd see on a movie poster, but the more I look at her, the more I like what I see. I ain't no Tom Cruise, neither, but she's OK with that..." She wasn't budging one inch.

"Chris, that young woman has a heart so big and so fierce, if you try to love her with anything less than 100% she'll burn you alive. And you have more imagination than you know what to do with, if you can just learn how to use it. There's a philosopher who once said, 'We are all greater artists than we realize.' That means we take all this info just pouring into our senses, day in, day out, and we make a picture of an entire world, the world we live in."

She trembled a bit. "I'm getting carried away. Look, all you need to know is that the mutual attraction was the easy part. An important part, but an easy one. You're the guy she wants. You need to become the man she deserves. And I can help you do that."