Not Bible Camp Ch. 04

I nodded again. My family never owned a computer, and I wasn't allowed to see many movies, but I wasn't raised under a rock.

Well, your brain can make special effects that top those without even breaking a sweat. I know you've seen a naked woman before, and you know how people make love, right?"

I blushed. "Yeah. Mom and Dad told me what goes where."

"There you go then. Your brain took what it knows and filled in whatever it doesn't so it seemed real."

"But I never even thought about someone putting their mouth on me before! Why didn't I just dream about us having sex?" I hadn't meant to let that part out, but I was curious to hear her answer, if she had one.

"Well, Chris, lots of people find they prefer starting off with...oral play. Because there's no risk of pregnancy, it's...less intimidating. And some young Christians engage in it because it's a way to preserve their virginity, at least technically. It's not surprising you'd dream about it. It's just your brain's natural curiosity expressing itself."

"But at the end of the dream, I did something really dirty! Why would I want to do something so dirty?"

"Because that's why you want to be loved." I must've looked like I was trying to learn calculus, and the calculus was winning, so she kept explaining. ""Chris, most of us, at least most Americans, deep down think of ourselves as unclean. We smell when we sweat, we make even more smells when we go to the bathroom, and we've known for a long time we're covered in bacteria. It doesn't even matter what we do during the day; if we just sit around long enough, all the stuff that comes out of our bodies makes us dirty.

"So if our bodies are unclean, then what we do with our bodies has to be dirty too. Right?"

I nodded. I figured she was making a point, but I wondered if she meant what she said.

"But if you really think that, then eating and sleeping would have to be just as dirty as sex, right?"

I thought for a minute. Then I saw the flaw, or what I thought might be a flaw.

"They are, if you take it too far!"

She looked impressed, which made me feel pretty tall inside.

"I mean, if you just stuff yourself with food, or don't ever eat good food, that's bad for your body. And if you sleep all hours, and don't ever do anything productive, that's bad for your life.

"But what's different about sex is...well, I don't know what's different about sex, but some people seem to want to lose control. Having an orgasm kind of feels like you're losing control for a few seconds, so maybe sex is always kind of crazy that way. Maybe it just can't be tamed the same way your belly can."

She nodded. She seemed enthusiastic. "So maybe sex isn't dirty. Maybe it's scary, and we can't admit it scares us."

She seemed to be going somewhere, so I let her keep going. "So maybe deep down you're scared Jill can't accept you as a sexual being, a 'dirty' sexual being, but maybe you want it so bad you can't help dreaming about it."

"But that means deep down I want to do things I know are wrong! How can I stop myself if I want something that bad?"

Counselor Jameson looked at me and said, dead serious, "You're not going to stop yourself."

My face must have said it all. She might as well have told me I was gonna have to audition to be the Antichrist. I was all fit to tell her she'd been sent by the Devil. Lucky she set me straight.

"Look, Chris," she said, and I could tell she was trying not to sound too condescending, "what exactly did you do to Jill, anyway? Did you pee on her, or smack her around?"

I was horrified. "NO!!" I yelled. "I...I came all over her face after she-- she--"

"After she put her mouth on your penis," she finished.

My head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. I didn't even try holding it up. "Yeah," I admitted.

"Would you have felt less dirty if she'd swallowed it?" she asked.

I had to squint at her twice to be sure this was the same woman I'd been talking to for weeks. All I could say was, "What?"

"Chris, you know it has to go somewhere. Did she seem upset?"

"No!" I blurted. "And that made her seem dirty."

So the only way someone can accept you for what you are is to be as dirty as you are," she said, sounding kind of sad. "Is that how you really see it?"

"Maybe not," I said. "Maybe that's just what the Devil wants me to think."

"So maybe," she said, kind of slow, "the way to beat the Devil is not to take this dream any way at all. Just see it as something that happened."

I nodded, but she could tell I was still unsure.

"Chris," she said gently, "I'm sure you've had crushes before. But for whatever reason, you want Jill, and you're a lot more alive to what you want. And you haven't let yourself just...want, for a long time."

I nodded. She was starting to make sense again.

"Can't you see it's all jumbled together? You're worried you can't be sexual without being selfish, or being 'dirty.' You want someone who accepts you physically and emotionally, but you don't think you deserve it, and instead of understanding that it takes an extraordinary person to do that, you worry that only another 'dirty' person could accept you. And you had a dream that acted that out."

I nodded. (I'd been doing that a lot.) She was making lots of sense.

"Chris, that doesn't mean you're going to do something you shouldn't. I know you. Did you force yourself on her in the dream, or even pester her?"

I shook my head. It wasn't much, but at least I wasn't a dream rapist.

"Deep down, you want to be accepted, and that can't happen without someone who sees you as you are and has room in their heart for all you are. It's a process, and it's a process that requires two people working together, deciding together. That's true love, and how can the Devil stand in the way without getting bowled over?"

I wanted to draw confidence from what she said. Being uneasy was almost starting to feel like doubting her, and that made me feel disloyal. What could I say that wouldn't seem like I was questioning her?

"I just -- I can't help but feel there's something we might be missing, like Old Scratch has a card up his sleeve and he's gonna play it when we ain't looking."

Her voice sounded more forceful this time. "Chris," she said, "I can't say for sure what the Devil did or didn't do. I don't have his playbook, and I've never met him face to face, if he even has a face."

All of a sudden her voice got nails in it. "But I've seen people make themselves nervous wrecks fearing that he's after them, that he has some convoluted strategy for catching their souls, or just to keep them from being all God wants them to be.

"I've never seen anyone do themselves or anyone else any good that way, and I think I know why. We aren't supposed to try to out-think the Devil. We can't beat him at his own game. We're meant to be vessels of God's grace; it's meant to fulfill us, not to fight the Devil, but to shine through us so clearly it shames the Devil, makes all his chicanery look like the hollow sham it is."

She took a deep breath. "But I know how dark it can get before the light dawns. Sometimes we have to stew in our own doubts before everything comes clear. But I think I can help just a little bit more, if you want me to?"

I nodded. I was ready for all the help I could get.

She bowed her head and -- I don't know why it startled me so -- began to pray.

"Dear Lord, your servant Chris worries that your adversary has tried to poison his mind and subvert Your will for him and another of Your children. We ask that you bind him and forbid his lies from penetrating Chris's mind.

"We also ask that you impart your wisdom through the gift of your spirit and let him fully see the beauty of your child Jill, so that he may be a man who truly deserves the gift of love that only she can offer, freely given, freely received, in accordance with our dignity as God's creatures, Amen."

Well, I wasn't expecting that last part, but I guess as long as she was willing to bring out the big guns, no sense aiming at only one target.

I'm not sure why prayer wasn't my first resort. I think it's because prayer's never done that much for me, which I guess makes me sound like a bad Christian. I generally don't get the things I ask for, but then I usually only ask for things I figure I can't get on my own, cause who am I to ask for something if I can work for it?

I guess I don't say thank you as much as I ought, but it's hard to remember to say thank you for things that are just kind of there like the sun, or good health, or food on the table. But it got to where it seemed like other people's prayers got more done, so maybe they'd better stick to the praying and I'd find something else God wanted me to do.

Maybe I should've told Counselor Jameson that. Maybe I should've told her about her showing up in my dream. But right now I've told her about as much shameful stuff as I can manage in one night, so I'll have to think on it some more.

June 25

Well, if that last dream was my brain trying to express something or release something or other, I think it quieted down. I don't remember having any dreams last night.

Matter of fact, I dropped off right after I started my visualization exercises and slept like a rock straight through till morning. It seems like every mental exercise they give me just ends up being a sleep aid.

I'm glad that's not the case when I do them during Morning Meditation. They've been making me super-relaxed and focused, but also impatient, especially today.

I've got to develop confidence and assertiveness if I want to be worthy of Jill, and I have to resist the temptation to just let things develop the way they have been. I don't think I realized until today how passive I've been.

Starting today, this week's Work Assignment for Jill and me was garbage detail. Counselor Horner made sure to give us all a long talk before hand so we wouldn't think this was any kind of punishment, and he was pretty sure none of us thought any kind of honest work was beneath us, but he'd seen people get in the habit of assuming a particular job was meant to teach them a lesson, or take them down a peg or two, and he didn't want anyone here to think that was the way they did things here.

He said it was important to remember that we were all adults here, and even though it was possible that discipline might be resorted to if someone's behavior or attitude was a problem, there's nothing backhanded around here. He looked directly at me and said, "If we have a problem with you, you'll know it."

Well, with a preview like that, I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant. Our first job was processing the garbage from the kitchen, which I guess had been laying around all weekend.

Lucky for us, they gave us both breathing masks and Vicks Vaporub to put under our noses so we didn't pass out or puke. It made it bearable but it was still pretty stifling. By the time we quit for lunch break, we were real anxious for the break -- not so much for the lunch.

Jill didn't seem too happy and I asked her why.

She didn't look too happy about my asking, either, but at least she replied.

"I think I've been...inappropriate with you," she said.

"Cause you told me you had sexual feelings for me or cause you kissed me?" I guess I'm not that subtle.

"Maybe both?" Her eyes seemed to want to find her feet just then. "I just know...the folks back in my home church would've thought me talking that way, acting that way, was just shameless! And we still haven't worked out all our differences, and it's just to easy to get inflamed with--" she blushed a bit "-- with passion, and lust, and it's my fault, you've been a complete gentleman, but maybe we're too drawn to each other to be so free like we have been, just saying every little thing that comes to mind, and I don't think we can just do that. I don't think we can afford to just do that."

I was kind of struck back by her words. In some ways, it was flattering, her basically telling me that just my presence made her lose control (but not as much as she seemed to think), but if it led to her pulling back, maybe even spending less time with me just to keep from boiling over, well, how can I woo and win her with that going on?

Now I heard something once about absence making the heart grow fonder, and if we spent time apart maybe she'd miss me enough to make her come running back, but she might just see that as another sign of weakness, and pull away further. Not to mention, if she comes running back on her own, after backing off on her own, well, then it ain't me doing the work, as far as I can tell.

And I couldn't exactly go off and ask a counselor for advice while she waited on me. That would've made no sense. So I thought real hard on what to say.

"Jill," I started, "if you really feel just being around me makes it difficult to handle yourself, I can't tell you what to do. If you think you need some distance, I'll miss you like hell--" (I don't usually swear, but I was pretty sure it would feel exactly like that, so I said it and meant it) "--but you have to do what you think is right.'

I paused. I wanted to make sure she got what I was saying. I figured if it made sense to her, I probably wasn't just spinning air wool.

"But what you did wasn't sinful, or wrong. OK, if we spend all our time telling each other about our..."it took me a couple of seconds to come up with the right word, "...about our genitals, we'll be wrestling each other's clothes off before we can spit! But that doesn't mean we can't ever talk about it. I think if we want to be...romantic, we have to share our feelings, not just the ones we can bring up in church.

"And you need to leave the folks back home out of it! There's things that's appropriate for two people, and things that's right for a room full of people, and there's things you can do by yourself that need to stay that way!"

I wasn't sure if this was getting through, but I was on a roll. "Paul says that if you're burning with lust, the cure is marriage, not shunning the company of women. He specifically says not to forsake the fellowship of the believer. As far as I can tell, that means both sexes."

I was starting to like the way this sounded.

"So if you need to take some time to yourself, maybe even pray over it if you need to, then you go do that. I'll be right here." At least till the end of the week, I thought. "But you don't have to be afraid of feelings, and you don't have to be afraid of me. I know you're a good woman, and I wouldn't want to be the guy that says otherwise!"

That's when I noticed something peculiar. Jill had been blinking a lot, and by the time I stopped talking, there were tears on her cheeks.

"Oh, hey! What's wrong, Jill?" She wouldn't say anything at first. I went up to her and put an arm around her, lust be damned!

She pulled herself into me for a second or two, then relaxed a bit. "I'm not sad," she insisted, which I was half tempted to gainsay, but I'm learning better and better when to shut it. "You really are a great guy, and I wasn't testing you or anything, but I think you passed anyway."

"So then you'll stick around for a while?" I asked, almost teasing, but still real attentive to the answer.

"Yes," she said. "But I want that forceful side to come out more."

"It didn't even seem like I was being forceful. I just said what I felt."

"There was fire in it. The good kind, I mean. You just might preach a sermon one day."

The rest of the time we mostly dealt with garbage. We couldn't really talk through the masks, but just being together made the time go by quicker.

By the time I was done, I just wanted the smell of Vicks out of my nostrils. Counselor Horner gave me something that washed out the menthol scent, but by then I think my nose was tired of smelling anything.

I couldn't even work up an appetite for dinner; the most I could stomach was some bread with butter on it, and even though I knew it'd been made fresh that day, it could just as well have been cardboard, for all the joy I got out of it.

I had a screenplay consultation with Counselor Jameson where she brought up some things she felt I was leaving out. She said it wasn't enough to have everyone say Roy changed when he was in Iraq; I needed to show some of the things that changed him. And that was a problem.

First problem is this film is supposed to be something Christians can watch. But the things Roy does in Iraq aren't good things for Christians to see. At least that's what I thought and what I told Counselor Jameson.

Also, I've never been in a war. I've never so much as drank a beer, and I don't think I've ever met a whore (although there were whispers about Mary Ellis who always hung out near the Lil' Rebel convenience store, but other people said she was just simple and didn't have anything better to do), so I really don't know what those things are like. There's only so much I can even pretend to know about it, so I really don't see the use in trying.

Well, Counselor Jameson pretty much tore what I said to shreds. She said she'd seen more than one church service where they stopped to point out a young man who was going into the military just so they could single him out for praise, even though there wasn't one verse in the New Testament even endorsing military service, and there sure weren't no verses about singling out one person for praise.

I could tell she was mad. I almost expected her to spit. She went on: "There's nothing Christian about turning a blind eye Just cause you weant to pretend things are OK when they aren't. Everyone knows what people get up to in the military.

"Some of it's no different from any other young person who goes to another country; the idea that nothing you do is ever going to get back to the folks back home is a pretty powerful temptation.

"But you combine that with the thought you might die tomorrow, plus it gets hammered into your head you're part of a group, and if you don't bond with the group, you aren't a good soldier, well, all of a sudden what you got told in Sunday School seems real far away."

She grabbed hold of my hand. I'm not sure if it was for me or for her, but I gave it what I thought was a comforting squeeze. She smiled.

"Chris, church isn't a place where we pretend everything's OK; it's where we get together to encourage each other, to improve our faith and encourage each other to put it into practice. The people in the military need Christ's love as much as anyone, and we've been letting the needs of the institution overwhelm the needs of the people in the institution.

"The church should be working to wake people up to the love of Christ. Sometimes, it's the people in the church who need the wake-up call."

She let go my hand, then. I was disappointed; it was starting to feel like it belonged there.

"Now," she continued, "as for what actually goes on in a war zone, you're in luck. One of my cousins served in Iraq, and he would just love to talk to a talented young writer about what it was like. He'll be paying a visit this Wednesday, if you'd like to have a chat?"

I was a little scared of the idea, but I said yes. Saying no would've felt stupid, cowardly.

She smiled. "Good," she said. "And stick around later. I want to work with you on something else."

Well, I knew that "something else" had to do with me and Jill, but I couldn't have guessed anywhere beyond that. When Counselor Jameson took me into one of the conference cabins, she wouldn't give me any hints, just told me to do my exercises to get into the right emotional state, then waited while I went through it.