Not Daddy Christmas

+++

Christmas Day

Sonia's preparations meant that apart from putting the turkey in the oven most of the work was already done. We had invited the four widows for twelve thirty but Andy for twelve fifteen. Sonia wanted him to meet me before the others. The meal would start at one o'clock. Sonia had shed her apron over her floor length red dress. She looked stunning and much happier than she had been since I saw her in the Council Office.

Andy arrived by taxi. I had never met him but Sonia's description of him as a drip was accurate. He looked like a caricature of the serious accountant in a formal suit. He was pleasant enough but painfully shy. After she had introduced Andy to me Sonia whisked him off to the kitchen to help.

Helen brought the widows in her people carrier. I was kissed by all four of them who were dressed, like Sonia, in long dresses. I took their coats to a spare bedroom. Helen had introduced all of them although I had remembered their names.

Helen is tall with naturally grey hair cropped professionally. She had been a very senior social worker and tends to organise people like an old-fashioned Headmistress.

Judy is about five feet five tall, rounded and almost always smiling. She tends to brighten any group she's in. She is invariably helpful and pleasant to be with. Her hair is still blonde and swings just above her shoulders. It seems to be in constant movement as she talks.

Monica is like Helen but slightly shorter. She isn't as organising as Helen but she gets her own way more diplomatically. Her curly white hair has a blue rinse that suits her. Monica organises outings for two of the groups she and I belong to. Her organisation is efficient and seems effortless although I know some of the groups' members can be really awkward.

Hazel pretends to be a dizzy blonde. She was naturally blonde, unlike Judy, and has kept her hair shoulder length. She isn't as stupid as she presents herself. Hazel, like the other three, had a serious managerial role before she retired.

All four of them are strong independent women. Although I find that attractive I have doubts about whether I would want any of the four as a partner. I would probably be fighting whichever one I chose, or whichever one had chosen me, to keep my independence. Any of them would want to organise me, as they had organised their husbands.

I gave Andy and the four widows a choice of sherry. Helen declined, as the designated driver, asking for fruit juice instead. The others went to the living room with their glasses. Andy was carrying the two sherry bottles.

Andy was new to them. He didn't know what had hit him as all four dragged him off to the living room to talk. Andy may look boringly conventional but underneath the shy formal exterior there is a brain. I popped my head around the living room door at one point to check that they had enough drinks. The level of sherry in the bottles was dropping fast. Andy and the widows were enjoying themselves criticising the local council about a current issue.

"How's Andy getting on?" Sonia asked as I walked back into the kitchen.

"Great. He's enjoying himself, and so are they." I replied.

"I told you. Andy's OK with older women. He's just useless with those close to his age. But I like your widows. They are their own people."

"But not MY widows," I protested. "Any one of them might be too much for me. They're all organisers and they'd organise me."

"And you don't want that?"

"No. I like to be myself, not what someone else wants to make me be. I want a partner who will complement me, not run me."

"Don't worry, David. I'll protect you today." Sonia kissed me briefly on the cheek.

At that point we started serving the meal in the dining room. During all three courses the conversation was light, intelligent and humorous. As a Christmas dinner it was a great success. Sonia's food was impeccable. If anything was amiss it was that we all, except Helen, were drinking too much. My wine cellar was being depleted but I didn't mind for such a great occasion.

After the meal we went back to the living room. The fire, which I had lit a couple of hours ago, was now glowing brightly. Monica and Hazel sat on one of the settees, spreading their large skirts comfortably. Andy was squashed between Helen and Judy. His legs were almost hidden by their skirts but he seemed very happy there. I sat in an armchair with Sonia perched on an arm. From time to time she topped up drinks or passed nibbles.

The conversation continued to be interesting but the alcohol had reduced inhibitions. Andy started to blush slightly as the older women started talking about some of their recent gentlemen friends. They were too polite to name names but they and I knew exactly who was being discussed. Hazel complained that one had wanted her to dress as a St Trinian's schoolgirl and had even brought the costume for her to wear.

"At my age?" Hazel giggled, "I would have been a most unlikely schoolgirl. I declined politely and suggested it would fit him better. It did but that got him too excited, too soon."

"He tried that with me too," Monica said. "I did wear it for a few minutes and that was too much for him. I took it off hurriedly because I thought he might have a stroke if we went further."

Sonia was amused. Andy was startled by the explicit accounts but even so he was happy with the situation until Judy asked a simple question.

"Andy? How did you meet Sonia?"

His reaction was extraordinary. He shrank back on the settee and buried his face in his hands. Sonia covered for him by answering the question. She explained about the ancient student accommodation and how she had been sharing with six other women while Andy and John were on the other side of the campus with five other men. Andy gradually recovered and dropped his hands but he still looked unhappy.

"What's wrong, Andy?" Judy asked.

"Imogen," Andy said bluntly.

"Imogen?" Judy prompted.

"Imogen was one of those sharing with me," Sonia said slowly.

"Imogen is a bitch!" Andy said forcefully but so quietly that we barely heard him.

"Why?" Judy asked.

"Imogen claims I'm the father of her daughter and the CSA have been..."

"That's impossible!" Judy said loudly. "You CAN'T be the father of Imogen's daughter!"

"I'm not. I can't be. I KNOW I'm not the father but Imogen has convinced the Child Support Agency that I am. They have been chasing me for eight years of maintenance arrears."

"Have you ever seen Imogen's daughter, Andy?" Sonia asked.

"No. I'm not allowed access. Imogen claims I had been an abusive and violent partner, too dangerous to be near them." Andy was obviously distressed. Judy wrapped her arms around him.

"Wait a second," Sonia said, pulling out her mobile phone. "I have a picture of Imogen and her daughter on here somewhere. I met them a couple of years ago in the city centre. I thought it was Imogen and took a picture to ask John if he agreed with me. Imogen didn't know about the picture but as I got closer I recognised her. We went into a coffee shop to chat for a while. Her daughter had a milk shake."

As Sonia was speaking she was scrolling through albums of pictures on her phone. She found the picture she wanted, enlarged it and showed it to me before passing the phone to Judy. Judy gasped as she saw the picture.

"That's Imogen's daughter Charlise," Sonia said. "Charlise can't be Andy's daughter."

Judy showed it to Andy.

"That's Charlise? But..."

"Exactly," Sonia said. "You don't need DNA to work out that Charlise isn't yours."

"Imogen wouldn't allow Charlise's DNA to be taken. It would upset Charlise, she said."

"But you can't have fathered a half black child, Andy, can you? Any black genes in your family?" Judy asked.

"No. Both sides of my parents' families are Sussex for generations."

"Can I see that picture, Judy?" Helen asked quietly.

Judy passed the phone across Andy.

"I thought so," Helen said. "Your Imogen is well known to several Social Services departments and to the Police. She has several names, all variants on Imogen or starting with an I. Her daughter is Charlise, or Charlene, or Charity..."

"What are you saying, Helen?" I asked.

"Imogen has been convicted of several counts of benefit fraud claiming under several names. She is also suspected of targeting elderly single men, wanting them to be her sugar daddy. All she wants, and usually gets, is their money. That hasn't been proved yet but she is well known to the Police and Social Services. The last I heard Charlise was in care."

"But the CSA are charging me every month," Andy protested. "If Charlise is in care..."

"She might be in care as Charlene, or Charity or whatever Imogen has told her to say her name is now. Imogen could still be claiming for her daughter under another name, probably several times over." Helen said.

"But that's fraud!" Andy said.

"Yes, Andy," Judy said, "and it seems you are one of Imogen's victims."

"She's cost me tens of thousands of pounds," Andy blurted. "It's wrecked my finances."

"Can we do anything?" I asked, speaking to the group.

"We can." Helen said definitely. "We have the resources between us, haven't we, ladies?"

That statement was greeted with nods from the other three widows. Andy, Sonia and I didn't know what they meant. Helen explained.

"I'm a retired deputy director of children's services," Helen said. "I still have significant contacts who can update us about Imogen and her daughter. Monica's eldest son is a private investigator. He could probably find out where Imogen is now and what money she is getting from benefits in different names. Hazel was a paralegal and has contacts with local lawyers. And Judy? Judy has contacts in the CSA. She can pass any information we get on to someone who can act. And you, David?"

"I know. I'm a justice of the peace, trying to retire. I have contacts with the Police and the Crown Prosecution Service."

Sonia looked at the five of us as if she was seeing us for the first time.

"Andy and I have been screwed up by the establishment. But YOU FIVE are the establishment. You could and can sort out our problems easily." Sonia said.

"Not that easily," Helen warned. "It will still be a considerable amount of work to get justice for Andy. What I know about Imogen suggests that Andy is unlikely to get any money back but the demands could be stopped."

"How did you know you weren't the father of Imogen's child?" Judy asked Andy.

His response might have been prompted by the quantity of alcohol he had drunk.

"Because I've never, with Imogen or anyone," he blurted out.

There was a shocked silence. Andy hid his face in his hands again.

"You're a virgin?" Judy was incredulous.

Andy's head nodded. Judy turned and pulled Andy into her arms.

"I didn't expect that," Sonia whispered to me. She took her phone back from Helen who was speechless. She put it away before going around to top up the drinks in the continuing silence.

Helen broke the embarrassing silence.

"David, we can't do much until the New Year. Could we meet again, here, to work out who does what to sort out Andy?"

"Of course," I answered. "What day do you suggest?"

Three women reached in their handbags for their phones or diaries.

"The first working day?" Helen suggested.

"No, Helen, he's booked that day," Sonia replied.

Helen looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I nodded.

"The first Saturday then?"

That was acceptable. We would meet after lunch. Andy's agreement was taken as read. His face was still hidden against Judy's shoulder.

The party was effectively over. Andy looked sheepish as he lifted his head from Judy's shoulder. Judy asked Helen to drop Andy and her off at Judy's house. We all saw the implication. Andy might be a virgin now. Judy would ensure he wasn't one tomorrow. The other three widows looked slightly disappointed that they weren't taking a thirty-year-old male virgin home with them.

As Sonia and I cleared up she suddenly stopped.

"I wonder," she said.

"What?"

"I wonder if Imogen had her claws into John as well? That would explain his lack of money. Whether she was or wasn't, he betrayed me. There's no way back from that."

She kissed me.

"I defended you from the four widows. I think even if Judy has Andy tonight he might be their current project. If he is going to get the CSA off his back he needs their help. I know what repayment they would like. Andy could like that too. Four experienced women teaching him about sex? Many men would love that."

We went to our separate beds tired but reasonably pleased with the event.

+++

The next few days were a mix of walks in the unseasonable sunshine and sorting out in the possible annexe. When the local refuse disposal opened again we made several trips to dump things that might have been needed but never were.

Sonia was worried about the bank interview. I told her not to worry and to leave all the talking to me. All I would ask her to do would be to confirm that I was acting for her. She agreed but she was almost shaking as we walked into the bank.

We were met by a young lady who had a badge stating she was a Senior Customer Advisor. She took us into a screened room and produced printouts of the activity on John and Sonia's joint account. I countered that with a photocopy of John's note to Sonia. She hadn't been responsible for anything he had done and the bank had broken Banking law by debiting her personal account without informing her or getting specific authority. I went into full angry senior manager role.

The Senior Customer Advisor soon decided that the issues I was raising were beyond her authority. She went to get someone more senior. Sonia was surprised when the bank's district manager appeared in a very short time.

He and I, watched incredulously by Sonia and the Senior Customer Advisor, argued over details of the bank's practices and banking regulations. I claimed that Sonia had been poorly treated and that the bank branch should have suspected something was wrong. I hinted at fraud and possible reference to Head Office and the Financial Ombudsman.

Eventually we reached an agreement. The joint account would be closed and the debt written off. The money taken from Sonia's personal account without her permission would be refunded. The bank would advise credit reference agencies that Sonia was not responsible for any financial mismanagement caused by John. Her credit reference would be clear and clean.

The two women were shocked at what was agreed in such a short time. The District Manager told his Advisor to take Sonia across the road to a coffee shop while he and I finished the details. As soon as they had left he sat back in his chair.

"You're a bastard, David," he said conversationally.

"And your bank made a bloody mess of this, Richard," I retorted.

"Off the record, David, I agree. We rely too much on computer recommendations and don't give enough leeway to our staff. Thanks for your email by the way. It gave me time to look into Sonia's joint account and to talk to her bank manager. John really messed her up."

"And we suspect he's been the victim of fraud involving the CSA, Richard" I said. "We don't know yet. If he was, he won't get the money back. Nor Sonia. He left her to deal with the mess."

"Or you to deal with it. Why you, David?"

"I was an unofficial Uncle who helped Sonia with her education costs. Now Uncle David is putting her back on her feet."

"And wanting to stop being an Uncle?"

"Possibly, Richard. But she needs time. John's departure and the shambles he left were a shock to her. She's still recovering. She dreaded this meeting today."

"She shouldn't have. Not with a bastard like David on her side. You would have ripped the bank a new asshole if I hadn't agreed."

"Not quite that bad, but the damage might have been expensive in lost customers."

"Thanks again for the warning in advance. I'll send a report to Head Office telling them AGAIN to let our staff override the computer suggestions. Whether they'll listen? They should. Most of their managers are saying the same thing."

Richard stood up. I did too. We shook hands.

"Tell your young lady she played it exactly right," I said. "She's a good one."

"I know. She'll be a branch manager in a couple of years. I'll pass your compliments on. When she came to get me, even though she knew it was planned, you'd worried her. You can be fierce, David."

"Not as fierce as I used to be. I'm retired and my claws are sheathed -- most of the time."

I collected Sonia from the coffee shop and drove her back to my house. She sat down in the kitchen.

"Is it really true, David? I've got my money back. The joint account is history and my credit rating is clear? How the hell did you do that?"

"I'll let you into a secret. The District Manager and I are both Justices of the Peace, sometimes on the same bench. Richard and I are friends."

"So it was all a set up, David?"

"Not wholly. The bank had done things they shouldn't have done, and omitted to do things they should. I could have made things very awkward for them. Now they're happy and you are in the clear."

"And you staged the argument? You made that poor woman shake in her shoes."

"She knew too. She just wasn't expecting me to be so realistic. It will have been a good experience for her when she becomes a manager."

Sonia hugged me.

"Thank you, David. I don't believe it but it's done. I have a credit balance and a credit rating despite John."

"And despite the bank's incompetence. Don't forget that. We still have a few bills to clear, the utilities, remember? I'll write a few cheques this afternoon and you really will be free of all of it."

"But still homeless, David."

"Not if I have anything to do with it. There's the annexe and now you are back in the black you might be able to find somewhere to rent if you want to."

"I couldn't afford anything that large, David, not on a junior teacher's salary and only one income."

"Then we'll adapt it as Sonia's annexe."

"Thank you."

Sonia kissed me.

"I just remembered," she said, "I had a long text from Andy while I was in the coffee shop. He sent it from work in his lunchtime. He's had three nights with Judy. It sounds as if Andy is a dog with two tails..."

"...and?"

"He's no longer a virgin. He thinks Judy is everything that's wonderful."

"I'm not surprised. She's a great person."

Sonia looked quizzically at me.

"You haven't?"

"A gentleman never says," I replied.

"Then I assume you did."

I didn't deny it.

+++

The rest of that day was boring. Sonia and I sat waiting for utility telephones to be answered. It took us several hours, many cups of coffee, and interminable waiting before I had cleared all the outstanding accounts on John and Sonia's former flat. I was able to talk my way out of some of the penalty charges added, particularly as I was offering to clear the balance instantly with a debit card.

By the evening meal we felt a sense of achievement. Sonia's finances were clear again. Andy was no longer a virgin and enjoying life. On Saturday we would assemble to work out how to free him from Imogen's clutches. It was too soon to get builders around to look at the possibilities for the annexe. I knew I didn't need planning permission unless and until I made the annexe an actually independent property. As part of my house I could do what I liked if I didn't change the exterior.

+++

On Saturday afternoon with seven of us were back in my living room. This time Andy had Judy sitting on his lap, leaving more room for Helen. All of us were dressed far more casually than we had been on Christmas Day and we were drinking tea, not alcohol.

The change in Sonia and Andy from Christmas Day was marked. They both seemed happier and more relaxed. Andy's problem with Imogen was still outstanding but he and Judy had smug expressions. Andy's virginity was gone.