Not Enough: An Undelivered Letter

Y.Z.:

You have done it again. Took me higher and higher into my sweet personal ecstasy with your hands and your words, those damned beautiful eyes and genuine smile, your empty promises, and then I slammed into a brick wall. The only difference this time is that I knew that brick wall would be there waiting for me. So yes, I will admit I'm ultimately a broken down mess, but this time I won't fall for the promises again. You had me twice; you have let me go twice. I'm done. And I have never felt more relieved in my life. I can breathe again.

Two years now you have been in my life, making my days more exciting and agonizing than I could have ever imagined. We kept up our game that got us hooked on each other after Kenny left and you planned a day for us, an afternoon of me submitting to you just like you wanted. I waited for the weeks to go by, ticking them off slowly. You anticipated your pleasure and my fear; I wasn't even the slightest bit nervous. I needed you to satisfy me, satisfy my deepest darkest fantasy of submission and control. Maybe you couldn't handle me and my limits because I didn't even shed a tear. It was a beautiful day to be tied to two trees in the middle of nowhere near a creek, you cutting my clothes with your knife and ripping them off of me. I wanted my punishment; I needed you to slap my ass and make me your bitch. Yes, I can still remember how you felt and tasted in my mouth while your hands were in my hair and I swallowed your load like a good girl. And then my hands were in your hair, holding your head as you laid on a blanket between my legs and finally tasted me again, making me cum three times all over you as I fucked your face. Do you remember how I looked afterwards? On my knees, red marks streaking my ass cheeks as my face lay in the grass. You got hard again and fucked me so wonderfully I didn't want the day to end. You were so addicting. I would have done anything for you...

When I saw you again a few days later I imagined your dick twitching every time you looked at me with that sexy gaze of yours, the one that makes my clit throb. We discussed our afternoon together and realized that we didn't get all of our fantasies fulfilled. For example, you didn't get to hear me say "I'm your whore", those three little words mentioned in a previous email that you wanted to hear. And I didn't cry or scream. We both knew we had to fuck again, and this time would be perfect. It took you awhile to realize that I had no limits. You needed time to gather up a shopping list and find the perfect place to strap me down for a few hours and use my body for your pleasure, while I needed an excuse for why I would look like I had just been beaten when I returned home. The throbbing between my legs increased the more we planned on making next time even better for us both.

In the meantime, I continued to tease you with my pictures and videos, giving you anything you asked for. Toys in my pussy and even my ass, large and small. A glass dildo, candy canes, markers, a curling iron, beer bottles, a Milky Way, my flute just to name a few. New panties for you to imagine moving over with your tongue as you bend me over and taste all of me. God, how badly I wanted you to make me cum again and again. I often wondered if I didn't need to see your evil side just so I could justify quitting you. I knew you were wrong for me but it just felt so good. Even then I knew we were too good to last. I won't admit this to anyone but the skull and quill tattoo on my arm that you're so jealous of is a dedication to you; the ink is writing our story that cannot be and will die...

Then there was Tyler. Just when I was trying to be a good girl and stop talking to my male friends all the time, he messaged me and said things I wasn't prepared to hear. He thought I was gorgeous and sexy and he wanted to fuck my brains out. The way he talked in his messages made me want to let him. He was single, and he could have been someone I could vent my frustrations out on because, unlike you, I could touch him. Touch him in ways I couldn't touch you because you're married. I wanted to drag my fingernails down his back and sink my teeth into his skin while I teased him with my tight pussy, his hands digging into my hips to push me down and bury his cock deep inside me... there was the rough sex I needed. But I fucked that up. Got caught. And after all the drama and uncertainty I hope to never see him again, which doesn't sound too difficult since he's moving away in two months. I know if he had the chance, he would still fuck me in a heartbeat and that's good enough for me.

But then there was Pat. What in the hell possessed me to think it would be a good idea to go out to the lake and fuck him? I mean, I was surely going to get caught. Pretty much did. But not before I could get my mouth on his dick or sit on his lap and fuck him, on the bench and in his truck. His fingers deep inside me; his teeth on my nipple, nibbling as he brought me closer to the edge. He told me he had been wanting to fuck me since he first saw me years before. "Fuck me like a ho." God, it felt good to be fucking a man I had wanted to fuck for years myself, but I think I did it just so I could brag to you. I told him about you, you know. Told him to comfort his drunken nervousness at meeting up with a married woman. And maybe to hint that despite his constant urging of not repeating what happened that night, I was going to tell you anyway. Was it all worth it? Maybe. Would I do it again? Probably not. I just wasn't getting my fix from anyone else. And even he is leaving my life as well, putting in his two weeks notice last week. Sure, he just lives twenty miles away but that doesn't mean I'll ever see him. He wasn't the one either. I still needed the one thing that has been dangling over my head just out of reach for almost two years now: my deepest, darkest sexual fantasy completed by a man whom I trusted enough to perform the deed. I was growing tired of waiting.

Weeks and months of drama have plagued me this past year, worse than the first year you were in my life. My husband was drinking more and pulling away from me. The rumors at work were getting even more crazy and multiplied. The videos I made for you got more crazy as well. I enjoyed that day at work when I got to tease you all day with my video ideas and you couldn't walk around very well, hiding your boner from glancing eyes. I licked my lips imagining the pre-cum dripping from the tip into your boxers as you groaned at me to stop teasing you. My favorite torture.

But, the videos got my husband involved and he had to tell you about it. He was out of his over-the-counter medication and depressed. That was the same weekend as the benefit dinner downtown. You know, the one that you went to without your wife and you didn't tell me you were going to be there? And when I asked you about it you made it seem like you not only did not want me there but couldn't imagine that I could be trusted with my liquor to be around you in public. God, if we would have had that conversation face to face I would have struck you. I wasn't lying when I said if I had gone down there to see you I wouldn't have drank and would not have stayed unless invited. But truth be told, most likely I would have stayed home anyway. Too many people around that knew each of us. I have often imagined meeting you at a bar or going out to a bonfire in the middle of nowhere so we could stare at the stars and just be real. Nothing sexual. You were the one that said you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of me. If we can't be together in public the way I want to be, I shouldn't even try. I knew that after that one Christmas party, when all I got out of you was a big wave across the room when she had stepped out. That was so long ago...

I learned something about myself in your eyes after that discussion. You couldn't trust me, could you? That right there was enough to ruin it for us. You were questioning my valuation of our friendship before the dinner argument while I have questioned yours for nearly two years. I knew I was delusional about our relationship; you can ask Kassy. I knew I was looking for things I would never have because it's better to dream than to give in to the emptiness of the every day realities of life in the twenty-first century. Despite the love I had for you, the love I tried desperately to shove deep down inside me and forget, I needed to quit you. I knew awhile back that once we had what we needed from each other we would be done, and on your terms. But after all this I know I will never get to experience my fantasy and so I must move on, on my terms.

I have been preparing myself for you to let me go, but I know it's better for me this way. I thought I needed the physical pain to deal with the emotional pain but it's beginning to swallow me whole. I can't let you get your hands on me again. Our time together was addicting but it was not enough, never enough. I should have known that you would never be able to give me what I needed. I have to pull back now, while I still know you want to fuck me hard to punish me for what I've done and I can deny you the good little whore you know I am. You have lost me this time. I can't trust you like I thought I could. You told me you care about me but honestly I don't know what that really means. Do you love me? At all? Please don't. It's not enough. It was never enough. I knew it all along and just didn't want to accept it because you made me feel more alive than dead. I hope you will miss me harder now that I'm done than I missed you that whole time you were by my side.

Farewell to lost dreams, and the friendship I thought we had. If only you knew.