Nothing is Random Ch. 04

We need to talk?! Scariest fucking words in the world, especially to someone like me. I try my best to avoid emotional discussions at all costs, turning them into hot sexual interludes whenever possible. And from him? Come on! He was as unlikely to openly discuss feelings as I was, probably more. In fact I had kept him at bay on more than one occasion with only a subtle hint at wanting to have a conversation about, gasp, feelings.

So what the fuck was going on? We had been "carrying on" for quite some time just fine. Best sex ever, no real commitment involved. Did I love him? Duh! But feeling it and showing it were about all I thought I was capable of. Talking about it? That made me want to run for the goddamn hills. I had been through the supposedly happy marriage thing, how well that worked out. Now I just wanted to be happy and I thought we had that down pat.

Sure I refused to move in with him and rarely spent more than a few nights in a row with him before the anxious feeling set in and I had to go. But I always came back happier than before. And I always put out as properly as possible, I lived to satisfy him and myself in the process. It was perfect. Or so I thought.

And now he wanted to talk. Fuck. I knew what was coming and it was so ironic because we had been through so much and had never once had a serious argument only petty, good natured debates that almost always ended with us laughing and then fucking like rabbits. We were the same, him and I and never before had I felt so content with someone who could calm me down and/or work me up depending on the situation. So was that all in jeopardy now because he had decided to overcome his own commitment issues only to run smack into mine? Fuck.

I sighed and looked around the small apartment I had been living in since my divorce. I had my daughter roughly half the time, her father and I somehow able to remain civil throughout out it all, for her sake. I loved living in small space I could keep as neat or as messy as I wanted. She had evolved into a neat teenager from a messy tween and we got along great. She was my world and although adjusting to seeing her half the time was hard, in the end I know I made the right decision. She initially had a hard time adjusting to me dating but eventually she not only adapted but supported me fully, even questioning my lack of commitment at times. She was gone for the week, visiting my parents in Colorado and I had a ton of free time on my hands.

I had quit my job a year ago to start freelance writing and was able to more than support myself and her doing something I absolutely loved. Life was good. Except. Fuck. He was due over any minute and I knew I looked cute but I was worried about what was to come. I wandered into my bedroom glanced at the queen sized bed with the four posts and I got a little horny thinking of all of the escapades that had transpired there. I pushed that aside and walked to the full length mirror in the closet to examine myself thoroughly.

I was wearing a light blue t-shirt that was low cut and tight with a short denim skirt that nicely showed off my legs. I had worked hard to first lose a significant amount of weight and kept working to keep it off. I had on brown sandals with a wedge heel that made me an inch or two taller. My hair was long and mostly straight with little curls at the ends, my bangs had grown out to past my eyebrows and my makeup, the little I wore looked good. Satisfied I walked over and sat on the bed, wringing my hands and trying not to assume the conversion to come. Then I heard the knock.

Slowly and trepidatiously I walked to answer it, excited to see him, as always, but nervous too. I opened the door and looked at him, a smile playing on my lips, hoping to postpone, if not forgo, any conversations. He looked so fucking good, as always, in a tight white t shirt and jeans, also tight in all the right places. I immediately threw my arms around him, hugging tight so I could feel his strong arms wrap around me and his hard chest up against my tits. Already I was getting wet and he had been there less than a minute. Sensing my plan, I think, he pulled away quickly and walked into my living room.

"Hi Jenni." He said, glancing at my breasts and then my legs before coming back to meet my eyes. "How are you baby?" So. The disarming had begun. He knew I melted when he called me baby. It was like that, huh?

"Hi Joshua, I'm okay, how are you?" I asked, bringing my hand to touch his arm, two could play this game. I leaned in to kiss him lightly at first, then harder as he parted his lips to allow our tongues to meet. We made out for several minutes, my hands in his silky black hair, his hands on my ass then around to my breasts, using his thumbs to simulate my nipples, bringing them to life.

He started to slip his hands under my shirt, up to unhook my bra when he stopped and again pulled away. "Jenni...baby...I really need to talk to you," he adorably stammered, obviously aroused, his eyes still roaming my body as he tried to speak. "It's important..."

"Laters babe, I promise!" I argued, pulling him over to the couch and pushing him down onto it. Although he pretended to fight he exaggeratedly fell backwards and I immediately went to my knees before he could stop me. He gave in and sat back, eyeing me with those hungry fucking eyes as I pulled open the buttons on his jeans and eased them off of his legs. I then went for his boxers but decided to leave them on, instead pulling out his cock through the opening in the front. I quickly put my mouth down to him and lightly licked his head, teasing him as I took a little more a bit at a time.

I heard him intake a sharp breath as I reached the base and sucked hard, maintaining suction as I brought my mouth back up to repeat the process several times getting a little faster each time until I was bobbing my head up and down, my tongue running along the shaft as I sucked. I brought my hand up to rub beneath my mouth as I moved, finding a rhythm that I could tell he was enjoying. I looked up at him to see his head leaning back, eyes closed as he tried to make it last as long as possible. I knew he was close however when his fingers started grabbing my hair and he was lifting his hips slightly off the couch to fuck my face. "Goddamn Jenni that feels so fucking good!" He yelled as he grabbed my hair harder and unloaded his cock into my willing mouth. I felt the warm liquid pour into my throat; I quickly swallowed as he spasmed again and again I took it in.

Too late I realized the flaw in my plan. He was still recovering from his orgasm and a smile overtook his face and there was a new gleam in his eyes. He calmly pulled up his jeans and stood up to fasten them. He then sat back down and motioned to me to sit next to him. Shit! He had gotten his and now I was super horny and feared the only way I was getting off was to have the conversation I didn't want to have! Resigned, I took the seat he offered.

"Now that that's out of the way...." he began and I instantly knew he had been on to me. "I think we should talk. About us."

Fuck fuck fuck! Was it the end of the world though? I took a deep breath and tried to think. "Sure, yeah, okay, us...." I managed to get out while really I was considering how much damage jumping off of a two story balcony could really cause. A broken leg or two?

Seeing my recalcitrance, he began "We're terrific together. We're alike, we want the same things, and the sex, well, that's out of this world!" He stopped to gather his thoughts, looked into my eyes and my heart stopped.

"You're right about that!" In agreement I started running my hand up his leg, but he stopped me by putting his hand on mine.

"Look, I just want to know that it's going somewhere. That one day you're not just gonna run away and stay gone." As he spoke his fear my heart swelled up and tears came to my eyes. Was he really afraid I would leave him? Was this a result of my constant restlessness? Duh!

"Joshua...I could never walk away from you. Even when we're apart I think about you constantly." I paused, choked up from the raw emotion I was feeling. " I think I'm afraid that one day you're going to wake up and want me gone." I averted his eyes and tried to stop the tears threatening to fall but failed. He seemed shocked but recovered quickly and moved closer to put his arm around me.

"Oh Jenni, you're an amazing pain in the ass but...I love you." He smiled at me but I could tell he was nervous for my reply. He had never said that out loud to me before.

I swallowed the sarcastic response that I would normally spew forth in fear and instead turned my head to look at him again direct into his eyes and said "I love you too." I was so proud of myself and happy but also scared as hell. Now that words were out I couldn't help but wonder what would happen now. He moved his hand from it's current place on my shoulder and put it on my leg that was crossed over the other one, starting to gently caress it, kneading it, climbing up higher to the hem of my skirt and underneath, causing my leg to tense up. My anxiety over "the conversation" had begun to ease and my full concentration was on how good his hand felt on my leg as his fingers climbed higher.

"So, when do you want to move in?" He asked, stopping me in my tracks and bringing back the anxiety. I opened my eyes to see him looking at me with a teasing smile on his face. "Just kidding..." And leaned down his mouth to meet mine to kiss me gently.

"Ha fucking ha. What would you do if I said tomorrow?" I teased back when we reluctantly separated, curious for his reply. Placing my hand on his leg this time, rubbing up towards his crotch.

"Get you some boxes." A simple answer that I decided to ignore, for now, and went in for another kiss as my hand continued to roam his anatomy. I reached his zipper and tugged at it, as he willingly allowed me access, but I changed my mind and kept moving my hand up and down his leg as our kisses got more fervent and our bodies got a little hotter.

His hands were worked their way up the back of my shirt and skillfully working on my unhooking my bra so my breasts could swing free, then around to the front to caress them eagerly. "Let's move to the bedroom..."

****

Once Joshua had left I sat down to ponder our earlier conversation when there was a knock at my door. I thought maybe he had forgotten something but I figured he would've just walked in. Sure enough when I looked through the peephole I saw it was my ex-husband and I sighed. I really didn't need this right now. As I opened the door wider I stared at him questioningly, wondering what he was doing here.

"Hi Adam. What's up?" I asked.

"Hello Jennifer, I was in the area and I wanted to say hi," he said with a smug look. No doubt he could sense my happiness and had come to destroy it. Almost every time we interacted without our daughter around to mediate we got into a huge argument. It stemmed from the fact that I had left him I believed and because he no longer had any control over any aspects of my life that did not directly affect our child. This drove him crazy. Not to mention that he knew I was dating again and that I really like Joshua. I braced myself for what was to come.

"Okay, well you said hi. Anything else I can do for you?" I said a bit sarcastically, wanting him to leave before we got into another argument.

"I didn't come here to argue," he explained, looking at me earnestly and holding his hands out in front of him. "I wanted to talk to you about Kaitlin."

At the mention of our daughter, I softened and moved aside to let him in. I sensed a trap, but had made a vow when I left him to always keep communication open about her. I never wanted her to feel like a typical "divorced kid" whose parents were always at each other's throats. And occasionally that meant acting like a grown up and having a conversation with her father.

"What about her?" I asked tentatively, sitting down on the couch. He came and sat down next to me and I subconsciously shifted down an inch or two, away from him.

"Well...I think she is adjusting pretty well to high school all things considered," I cringed when he said the last part as he always had to add in the guilt. "But I think she has a boyfriend she's hiding from us."

I blinked a couple of time. I was very aware of the fact that she had a boyfriend and also of the fact that she was scared to tell her dad. It wasn't like they did anything other than go to the mall, or to the movies, always in groups and never had any alone time. I had met and really liked the kid but I wasn't sure how much information I should give him. "I know..." I simply said.

"You know?" he said, his voice rising before he caught himself and lowered it back down. "She told you..." he said, looking a little sad. "Of course, she tells you everything," he finished and my heart went out to him a little bit because he was right. But he brought it on himself with his overreactions to just about everything, especially those that involved boys.

"Yes, he's in the same advanced program she's in and he plays baseball. He's a cute kid, a sophomore..." I finished as I watched his face fall as I filled him in. "I think she was going to tell you when she got back from her spring break visit to Colorado," I added quickly.

"I highly doubt that. She acts like she's scared to tell me anything," he said forlornly, crossing his arms and leaning back on the couch. This reminded me of the way we used to talk when we were married, side by side on the loveseat. We had always talked about everything but, towards the end, it got old gauging what would upset him on what day of the week. I knew Kaitlin felt similarly and had come to pick and choose what she chose to share with him in order to keep his moods level.

"I think she just wants to wait for the right time. Don't worry, she'll get there, just give her time," I suggested, smiling at him, feeling relieved that we were talking so calmly thus far but ready for him to go. I was getting a strange vibe from him and it was making me a bit uncomfortable.

"Maybe I should have tried that with you, eh?" He said wryly, looking at me with a pouty look on his face. I stood up, trying to hint that it was time to go and he stood along with me. "Maybe then things would've turned out differently..." he said as his eyes trailed down to my breasts.

"Yeah, well, I guess we'll never know," I answered, unwilling to travel down this road again. "I'll have Kaitlin call you when we're on the way home from the airport Monday." I informed him, walking him over to the door. When we were about five feet away from it, he stopped and pulled me into his arms. He wrapped his arms around me and I tensed briefly before allowing him to hug me, and, for an instant, I was mentally swept back to the time when I really did love him when he was the only one in the world I ever thought I would be with. And before I knew what was happening he was kissing me. I fell into it, ever so briefly, before my senses caught up with me and I put my hands on his chest to push him back.

Suddenly, I heard the door to my apartment open. I immediately finished pushing him away and looked towards the door to see Joshua, standing there, a bunch of flowers in his hands and a shocked expression on his face. He dropped the flowers on the ground and fled my apartment. I watched him leave and decided to first deal with the problem standing in front of me.

"What the fuck was that?" I yelled at my ex, seriously more mad at myself than him for allowing a situation like this to occur. He no longer had my best interests at heart, I knew that and yet I had fallen into his web and put in jeopardy the best thing I had had in a long time. "Get out!" I demanded, not really wanting to hear any explanation from him at all. I just wanted him out of my sight.

"Look, Jenn...I'm sorry I just got carried away, but you have to admit that you liked it," he said, the half grin on his fucking face letting me know that he couldn't have been happier with the way things had turned out. Asshole.

"Get the fuck out!" I said, picking up my phone to call Joshua. Not surprisingly he didn't answer. Surprisingly, my ex did listen and turned to leave, still looking way too fucking smug for my liking. I didn't say goodbye to him as he left and I picked up my phone. Again I got Joshua's voice mail. I decided on action and grabbed my keys and slid on my shoes.

As I drove towards his house I ran through all the things I wanted to say. I was sorry topped the list but I had a feeling that wasn't going to cut it. As I approached his house I started to get sick to my stomach. After our conversation today things had seemed to be on the right track and now this. I saw his garage was just finishing closing as I pulled up. Good, he was home. I parked on the street in front of his house and apprehensively got out of the car and walked to his front door. I knocked on the wood and then waited. After what felt like a few hundred furious beats of my heart, it opened.

He stood there speechless, an impassive look on his handsome face, staring at me. His icy glare looked right through me and my heart dropped a thousand feet. "Can I come in?" I asked gingerly, "I want to explain."

"Sure," he said blankly, moving aside so I could enter but not softening his expression. I moved towards him to hug him but he stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest. Fuck.

"Look, Joshua, he just came by, we were talking about Kaitlin and her boyfriend. He, uh, seemed bothered that she hadn't told him yet and I tried to make him feel better. He obviously read more into it than I intended and when I was trying to get him to leave he, um, hugged me and then kissed me." I was talking fast and stuttering, desperately trying to make him understand. "It meant nothing...." the added words sounded empty, even to me and I wasn't shocked that he seemed so unmoved by them.

"Say something, please..." I pleaded, looking at him, when more than a minute had passed. He looked me dead in the eye with still his still icy expression and I felt the tears well up. I brushed them away not wanting to him to think I was manipulating him but I felt truly scared that I had ruined everything.

He opened his mouth to say something but changed his mind. He hugged his arms tighter to his chest before finally speaking. " I think you should go," he stated simply, "I'll be in touch." He then turned around and headed into his house, leaving me, speechless by the door. I turned to leave, the tears now clouding my visions as I walked back to my car. I felt so defeated and alone, the exact opposite of the way I had felt earlier that same day.

****

When I awoke the next day I felt awful. I had cried myself to sleep with all of my clothes on. My eyes were crusted over because my contacts were still in. A disgusting taste filled my mouth and when the details of the day before came flooding back my heart felt like it was breaking all over again. I eagerly checked my phone, hoping for a text message or a missed call or even an email from Joshua but there were none. I threw my phone back to my bedside table and sighed in disappointment. How did I always manage to sabotage my own happiness?

As much as I wanted to lay in bed all day I knew I couldn't do that. I forced myself up and out of bed and into the bathroom for a shower. I brushed my teeth and washed my body and shaved everywhere, wanting to be as clean as possible. I felt awful but I was determined to keep my spirits up. After all, I was hoping to hear from Joshua, he had left the door open, if even a crack, with the promise of communication. It was a life preserver of hope that I was clinging to, desperately, to keep me from drowning in despair.