tagRomanceNow What In The Hell?

Now What In The Hell?


{I am writing less now than when I used to, getting older I guess. When my 2nd wife Dotty passed I think deep inside I thought that was the end, and I was headed there for nearly a decade. So I filled the time writing some crap, and I actually even sold some of the crap. Then I met Debra, since then it seems like there is always something weird going on. I blame her for that, but some of it can't be all her fault, like this little story.

My own fault, maybe? After all, I could have just stayed inside the house, everything would have been different if I had done that.

The wonderful relationship, the joy, the pure fun of being alive and part of another's life had I just minded my own business? That would have been the result.

Anyway, here we go, more mayhem, things keep happening to my Debs and me.

When I get like this I ramble all over the place, at my age I can if I want to.}


I was sitting in my chair watching Big Brother on TV when all hell broke loose outside.

Kind of a messy show, one of the guys had to pour nasty stuff all over himself every time a bell rang, and it appeared to ring every few minutes.

Dumb stuff all the time on that TV show, I have no idea why I watch this crap. But I don't even have to watch it when it's on, I have the video recorder set so I can watch it whenever I want to.

Debs, my pretty Registered Nurse wife was down at the local hospital, she has to pull a long shift there a few times each month.

Shortage of nurses is what the deal is, government keeps cutting the medicare compensation so the other nurses keep quitting. That means she fills a 12 hour shift which always seems to be 14 to 16 hours.

There is one Doctor on staff down there at her clinic, has to be one due to some law I guess. But the Registered Nurses run the show, old Doc Barker stays in his office.

At the hospital Doctors come in when needed, the rest of the time it's only the nurses. That I know because I got to stay there a few times.

Debs manages to hang on with her work though, of course she would like to make more money but her $75K per year average is easily enough for us.

She is a bit overworked lately, her main concern is making a mistake, because her job is to heal people and if she does make an error it's a disaster.

So even her clinic job is now 10 hours, and sometimes she goes in on Saturday.

That and my own $934 a month after they take out for Medicare covers the bills. Debs, being a nurse, has full medical and me being the hubby, I am on that as a dependent which is cool.

Lately my finances have changed, I have been selling stuff online, actually doing pretty good at that.

Life is fine, and when Summer comes it quits raining for a few weeks, or days, or hours, depending on the Summer.

What the hell, this is Oregon, if we ain't wet, we get irritable.


Summertimes on the Oregon Coast means tourists, they come down to beat the valley heat and then sit around bundled up in coats like it's cold or something.

I see them down there on the docks throwing hot dogs at the pet seals, you know, the "wildlife". Not very damned wild, those Seals. I try to go fishing and they lay there with their fat asses in the way and snarl at me when I whack them with my fishing pole.

They call that stuff harrassing "wildlife" but I figure since they are harrassing ME, then fair is fair.

The tourists? They head down to beat the valley heat, which works very well, by the way.

65° around our town is a heat wave. Normal is 50°.

So they get cold, jumping up and down, huddling close to each other.

Funny stuff.

Maybe 50 degree wind at 20 miles per hour off the ocean is a tad chilly to folks not used to it.

Not to me, that's T-shirt weather. OK, a heavy T-shirt, but still.


Anyway, I was watching my TV show when I heard the sudden racket outside, I got up and went to the window, nothing. I turned to go back to my chair.

Then I heard it again, a woman's voice, screaming her fool head off down the street a ways.

I went out onto my porch, looked down there.

Some guy has smacking the hell out of a woman, she was jumping each time he swung, trying to avoid the blows.

He was kind of big and she was kind of little, and he had a grip on her arm.

This just does not happen in our town, at least not on our street.

Sure, stuff goes on down by the waterfront, people get drunk and..well..you know.

That gives the cops something to do and the local paper something to write about besides the Crab festivals which they seem to hold every other weekend.

Lots of Crabs in the river come August and September, the boats bring in the big ocean Crab, the market by then is mostly to the retail stores so any with missing legs or cracked shells get pitched right back into the river.

The tourists love that, boats everywhere. I hate that, plus there usually isn't a rock left to stand on and fish off of, so I wait until later in the Fall.



"Hey!" I yelled at them.

The guy kept swinging, managing to connect and down the woman went. Then he started kicking her, I saw one kick land right on the back of her head!

Enough of that, what this guy was doing could really hurt the woman, so down my walk and through my gate I went at a dead run. Well, a pretty good clip anyway since I am 69 and running is not what that is any more.

It's called a quick shuffle.

"Hey!" I yelled again, the guy turned and saw me, then swung one at ME instead of stopping like I expected.

I ducked, but nowhere near fast enough, down I went. I was seeing stars, he gave me a kick in the ribs as I rolled over to my hands and knees with a groan.

That hurt like hell but now I was pissed off, I lashed out with a kick of my own and got him in the knee. I wear nice heavy shoes, the kind with Velcro instead of laces since the shoe laces got a bit too far away for me to reach comfortably the last few years.

Damned if he didn't go down himself.

That exercise bike Debs has me work out on down at the gym paid off, I guess.

The woman, who now I realized was just a young girl got up and took off like a shot down the street.

The guy was back on his feet, he started to chase her but stopped and grabbed his leg.

I guess I got him pretty good.

Then he turned on me again, now he was really mad.

"I will kill you, you fucking son of a bitch!" He yelled, going for another kick.

I had reached in my pocket for my little folding fishing knife while his attention was diverted. I saw he was going to try and kick me in the head so I sort of rolled forward and his left foot went right on by me.

When his kick missed me I swung the little 3 inch blade as hard as I could.

It went in smack dab into his you know what's!

Which was kind of where I was aiming. Damn good knife, too, I use it for fishing, plus I can shave with it.

Down he went again, I had no idea at all that a man could scream like that.

Maybe the asshole should have tried out for America's Got Talent? The guy hit a high note that would match the best fat lady opera singer on the planet.

Three inches of razor sharp blade in the balls will make any man scream, I guess.

I scooted away from him on my hands and knees, got up. He still lay there, both hands holding his nuts, kind of moaning now. My nose felt wet, I wiped at it with the back of my hand and it came away bloody.

No sign of the Girl, she had taken off running and man could she run!

I turned and went back down to my house, called 911. My ribs hurt like hell, by the time I got to the phone and pushed the buttons I was gasping.

Sally answered, Debs and I know Sally of course, she is a friend. Another story there, not this one.

I told her what had happened, so she dispatched the local police.

"Don't go back out there, Danny. Stay inside and lock your doors." Sally told me.

"OK." I told her, then I went and got my pistol and went back out there.

It was loaded, I always keep it loaded.

The last time I even saw it was last year when I took it out and oiled it, then put it away in the drawer.

Yep, loaded. Other wise it's just a hammer and I already have a hammer.

I only fired it once, so I wasn't real sure I could hit anything with it, but the jerk outside didn't know that.

Damn thing is loud and it hurt my wrist when I fired it. But if I did have to pull the trigger I figured the noise alone would make him pee his pants, assuming he could still pee at all.

The guy was now trying to get up, there was quite a pool of blood. I sat down on a nearby cement retaining wall, pointed my pistol at him and cocked it.

It's a pretty big gun.

He looked up at me, his eyes widened.

"Hey, bud. Don't shoot, please? Let me get out of here, OK?" He asked me.

"No. And I ain't your bud." I told him.

Seconds later I heard sirens.

"Put that away, Dan." Hal Jordon told me as soon as he got out of the car. I carefully uncocked the pistol, stuck it in my belt. Hal was putting handcuffs on the guy when two State cars rolled up and one of the Sheriff's deputies, who is a woman.

I think she is, anyway. She has shoulders wider than mine and wears her hair in a crew cut, I wouldn't want her pissed off at me.

"Things slow downtown, guys?" I wisecracked.

They all just looked at me.

"Damn it, Dan. Why in the fuck didn't you just call us in the first place? You know now we have to take you downtown." Hal told me.

"Can it wait? Big Brother is on." I told him.

"Come on, get in the god damn car." He just shook his head but he was grinning.

Kind of a small town, everyone knows me and Debs and I know everyone, at least the locals.

I got into Hal's car, he didn't even take my pistol away from me. He did take my knife, dropped in a plastic bag and wrote something on it. The other deputy did take my pistol when we pulled up at the station.

"Jesus Christ, a .45 magnum." He mumbled. I watched as he carefully unloaded it, dropped the five shells into a plastic bag.

I never keep a round under the hammer.

I told them what had happened, and about the girl again. They had searched all over the neighborhood, no sign on her.

"She took off like a dang Deer, probably in Salem by now." I told them.

They just looked at me.

"Skinny looking little thing, short hair, t-shirt and jeans." I added.

They all wrote it down in their little note pads.

"Bleeding I think, maybe you can follow the drops?" I added again, trying to be helpful.

They all just looked at me some more, I wanted to ask them if I was interfering with their doughnut break but I kept my mouth shut.

It only took maybe an hour or so, then Hal drove me home. They gave me my pistol back, plus the little baggie of ammo. They kept my knife though, something about it being evidence.

No matter, I had two more of them in my drawer.

Hal just shook his head when I proceeded to reload my pistol right in front of him.

"Why are you reloading that?" He asked me after a moment.

"It ain't a hammer, Hal." I told him.

He shook his head again, got in his car and left.


Debs had to still be at work, her car wasn't there. I dug around in my truck and found my cell phone, managed to get it plugged in so it would work, and dialed Debs.

Fucking things. Batteries are always dead.

I told her what had happened, she gasped and asked me if I was all right. I told her I got a bloody nose and my ribs hurt but I was OK.

She told me to come down for an xray but I didn't want to, dammit I wanted to watch my TV show. I had been recording it so I knew I still could find out what happened.

OK. So I stabbed the jerk in the balls, he was trying to hurt me, he had it coming.

I wasn't even too upset about it, and by God I would do it again if I had to.

Debs gave me a ration of crap, she does love me and was concerned. She also told me that she got to treat that guy, like I said, small town.

"He is going to be sore for while, you stuck him right between his testicles." She said with a nervous laugh.

"I was trying to take them off, I guess I need some practice." I laughed.

She didn't think that was very funny, I guess.

Debs had to go back to work, the Doctor was sewing the guy back up and the cops were waiting to take him off to jail.

No girl to tell them anything, so they had him charged with assault on me.

Inside, I hit the recorder, watched Big Brother as that Frank guy put on his Carrot suit, then damned if that Dan guy didn't manage to squirm off the hot seat and screw up the blonde.

She was snibbling about being lied to, what did she expect? They are ALL lying.

Lord did my ribs hurt, plus my nose was still bleeding. Damned Plavix they put me on after my stroke a couple of years back, if I nick myself shaving I bleed for three hours.

I went into the bathroom, washed my face.

I heard a noise, looked around. I heard it again, it sounded like a whimper?

It was coming from the closet?

I opened the door.

Folded up and jammed all the way to the back underneath the bottom shelf was the girl!

She must have ducked in my door since I left it standing open.

"Please don't hurt me!" She cried out.

"I am not going to hurt you, miss. Come on out, let me help you." There was a streak of blood on the floor, I knew she was hurt too. Her eyes were red and puffy, I knew she had been crying.

Trembling, she squirmed out of there. Even as skinny as she was, I had no idea how she got under there, it was maybe 12 inches from the floor to the bottom shelf, although the closet was fairly deep.

She had on a pullover top and blue jeans, she couldn't be more than 20 or so, maybe less. She looked up at me, her eyes were blue and huge, hair cropped short and dirty blonde.

I got a washcloth and cleaned her face, she just stood there and let me. She had several lumps on her head, a swollen lip and a bloody nose just like me.

Her top was torn on the side, halfway up her ribcage and I could see blood there, too.

"I need to check your side, miss. Is there anything else hurting?"

She shook her head no, then looked at me. Reaching down, she pulled up the side of her top, her skinny ribs were very bruised, she had a cut that was shallow but went up out of sight.

"It hurts real bad." She whimpered.

"Hang on." I went and got some of the lotion I use on my wrists, I have a bit of Arthritus myself.

She was standing there looking at her side in the mirror, her top in her hand, one arm held up.

Naked from the waist up?

It stuck me that either I was wrong and this was an on the effiminent side young boy, or it was the flattest chested girl I ever saw in my life!

I tried to not look at her nipples, but a man can't not do that, I guess. They were jet black and about the size of a pencil eraser.

She didn't seem to be the least bit concerned about her nudity, she didn't even blush.

I suppose it's because of my mostly bald head and weather beaten face, so I do look like a harmless grandpa type. I grabbed a towel and handed it to her, she looked at me funny, then realized and held it to her front.

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking. Carlos sometimes made me do things...you know..for money." She said. Then she bit her lower lip and looked down.

"Carlos? That's the guy who was hitting you?" I asked.

She nodded. I didn't press that any more, it was clear that she had been with an abusive male that was using her. How bad had it been? I didn't know, and I wasn't real sure I wanted to know.

I washed her scratch and applied the lotion. Then she tugged her top back on, turning her bacl when she did that.

"Miss, I need to call the cops, you need to tell them what happened." I told her.

"Oh no, please! Please don't call them!" I saw her glance at the doorway, and I knew if I went for the phone she would run.

I already saw her run, no way in hell could I catch her.

I sighed, nothing else to do. No way did I want to send her out there onto the street, all alone.

"OK, OK. Relax, miss. I won't call them, let's get you comfortable." I told her in my softest voice.

She looked at me, I saw her visibly relax a little bit.

I decided to get her into our living room, wait until Debs got home.

She would know what to do. I held out my hand, she looked at it and then at me. Then she took it, I led her to our couch.

I went into the kitchen, got a soda pop out of the fridge, she took it and drank half of it with one pull.

"Is there any food? Maybe some Cheese or something?" She asked, a hopeful look on her face.

I went in and made a big sandwich, some Cheese and lunch meat, Lettuce and Tomato. I watched as she ate, at one point she had so much in her mouth her cheeks were puffed out.

"I'm Sandi, with an "i"", she told me, licking her fingers. There were some Peanuts on our coffee table, she started in on those.

"They call me Dan." I told her.

"Thank you sir for helping me, and the sandwich." She smiled, her mouth now stuffed with peanuts. She kept right on cracking the shells, being careful to put the empty shells in a small tray we kept there just for that.

She was sort of pretty when she smiled, except for her lip which by now was getting pretty big. I went and got an ice pack, she pressed it to her lip.

Then we sat and talked, oddly it was easy. Her comments came in short little bursts and she told me she was from Tennessee. That explained the funny accent.

I did ask her about Carlos after I saw she seemed completely calm.

"Sometimes we would find guys camping on the beaches, Carlos would charge them money for me dancing..and other things." Her eyes did that downward look again.

"That's why I kept trying to get away from him." Her head came right back up, I realized she had a stubborn streak in her also.

"Well, you are free of him now." I told her.

"I hope so." Her eyes went damp for a moment before she again composed herself.

I could only imagine some of the things she must have been through.


Debs came to a dead stop when she walked in the door. The girl was sitting in Debra's chair, wide eyed.

She again looked ready to bolt.

"This is my wife, Debra. Debs, this is Sandi." I said.

"What in the world?" Debs managed. Easy to see the reason for my wife's surprise, this young girl's face looked all beaten to hell.

"I found her in our closet, can I keep her?" I wisecracked.

Debra looked at me, then at the girl I now knew as named Sandi with an "i", that's what she said anyway.

She looked back at me and started laughing.

Debs always laughs at my wisecracks, I find something funny in everything.

Well, almost everything. Here I had acquired what was clearly a street urchin, and I didn't have a clue about what to do with her.

Then Debs came over and made me take off my shirt, and inspected my ribs carefully.

"Nothing broken, good. You are going to have a bruise though."

"No shit." I said.

"So, are you hurt, honey?" Debs asked Sandi.

"I..he..Carlos kicked me too...here." Sandi pointed at her own ribs.

"I am a nurse, honey. Let me check." Debra stepped towards Sandi, probably planning on taking her to the bedroom.

Sandi stood up, once again jerked her top over her head and lifted her arm.

Debra blinked, glanced at me. I just shrugged. Hell, the scrawny young girl didn't have any tits so there was nothing to look at anyway.

Still, kind of weird.

Debs went to work, checked my bandage job I put on Sandi which was pretty danged good even if I do say so myself.

"We need to call the police." Debra said.

"No! Oh no, please! He will find me!" Sandi just about rolled up into a ball on the corner of our couch.

"Tell us what's going on, honey." Debs sat on the couch and reached out with one arm.

Darned if the girl didn't climb right into her arm and snuggle up.

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