O Is for Olivia

"OK Oliver. Are you sure? REALLY sure?"

I looked at Gina. The question, THE question. But I was sure, after two years of vaguely thinking about it and then six months of researching and consulting, and seeing my doctor and then the therapist he referred me to and then two other therapists - I was sure. Bite the bullet, do it now. It had to be done.

"Yes. Totally sure."

Gina looked at me. She smiled.

"I rather thought you'd say that, Oliver. OK then, where do we go from here? What sort of timescale? Are we talking weeks or months here?"

"Weeks really. I tried to work through it last night in my head. I reckon about a month to make all the arrangements, get things sorted out. I think I can do it in about four weeks time. That'll hit my birthday. That seems to me that would be an appropriate day to do it."

"Four weeks? I reckon you'll have problems there but I'll help, as much as I can."

"Thanks. Really good of you, Gina."

"Oliver. It's the least I can do. You're family after all, and you really have had a rough time since the divorce. And despite all that, Oliver, you have been a massive help to Jim and me over the past three months. What with little Annie arriving and you helping out at the shop and all the travelling and ferrying you've done. We really are so grateful. It's the least I can do, to help you this time."

OK, so I'd helped out. When the other local Garden Centre had suddenly closed down it had made sense for Jim and Gina to splash out, to get a loan to buy up lots of the stock at a bargain price. Which would have been fine except that Jim had just gone and got himself banned from driving for six months after getting caught rather drunk at the wheel. At least that had woken him up in a sense, he really had cut down his drinking massively. He'd realised that he had to. So I'd done a fair bit of the ferrying around at the time, carrying Jim and the stock the half-mile down the road.

Gina couldn't, or course, not easily, being eight-and-a-half months pregnant at the time. So everything had hit them at once, the driving ban, the Centre expansion, and of course Annie.

"Look, like you said, you're family. It's not your fault my brother got himself banned. It's his fault and at least he's got himself sorted now. Quite how he's developed a taste for apple-and-mango cocktail I don't know, but he seems to cope."

"Right Oliver. When? Today?"

"Sorry?" I asked, not really sure what Gina meant.

"I mean, I've got to get back for Annie in a few minutes. But I could come round again about four, for an hour or so. Do you want to get 'dressed' this afternoon? You've got to brave the High Street at some stage. We could get in half-an-hour's shopping before everything shuts. I think it would be a good idea. Now you've decided, Oliver, I mean. Get things off to a flying start."

She was right. I realised how lucky I was to have such a sympathetic sister-in-law. Some women would have been freaked out but not Gina. OK, a bit strange about it at first but that was only natural. After all that she'd realised I was serious and been a big help, a sounding board for my feelings in-between my visits to the various therapists.

"OK then. About four, maybe?"

That very first day Gina was a star. She helped out with my 'look' and was so supportive when we went out. We only went into a couple of shops, one discount store and one small so-called 'boutique', and then into the supermarket. She had to get some stuff for Annie there anyway. She was very complimentary as I unpacked my things just before she left.

"Those three bras will do you fine for the moment. But you'll need more panties, and more tights too. You can't wear your sexy lingerie all the time, Oliver. And not stockings either, not ALL the time. Even though, I really do have to say this, Oliver, you've got gorgeous legs!"

I think I probably blushed.

"OK dear, I'd better get back to Jim and Annie. Bye - Olivia, is it?"

I stood there, surprised that she'd called me that. But - soon - it had to become the norm. I had to get used to it. Olivia. Wow.

Over the next four weeks things progressed. I progressed. More and more of the time I went out 'wearing a skirt', as it were. It was actually quite easy getting out of my little flat above the grocer's, out the back way obviously and then along the small alley onto the High Street. I got more used to being what I was, externally as well as internally. I even went to one of my therapy sessions in rather a short skirt, this was a few days after I'd gone as far as having my ears pierced. Two holes in each. One at the bottom, one a little higher up. My therapist was surprised. OK she'd seen me 'dressed' before but always when she'd asked me to dress and always for an evening session, when I'd been able to sneak there without really being noticed.

"So, Olivia. You're into shopping and going out en femme now? All the time?"

I'd explained that I wasn't yet dressed full-time, that I'd decided to go all the way from my own birthday a couple of weeks hence.

"And. Have you told your brother yet?"

She knew what I was going to say. I knew the day was coming soon. Of course Jim knew of my early history in that respect, when we'd both been teenagers at home together, but not what I'd been up to in the intervening years, during two failed marriages and then my illness and depression and losing my job and all that. And, of course, my big decision.

"OK then but you know you have to sort that one out soon. What about your sister-in-law? Gina, I think you said."

"Gina, she's just wonderful. SO supportive, she's helped a lot in helping me, choosing clothes and make-up and so on. She's been determined to find time to help me even though she's got Annie now."

At the end of that session, one week from my birthday, I began to think again just how to break the news to Jim. I'd been putting it off, of course. I mean, how do you break news like that to your brother? To big macho Jim, who really had no point of reference, what I was going through was so far from his own experience. He'd always looked up to me in a sense as his elder brother. I really was not at all sure how he was going to react to the news. But it had to be done.

Trust Gina, she'd been thinking about it too. After all he's her husband. But she'd come up with a plan. Not so much to surprise him, but to surprise me. On the day before my birthday she'd brought Annie round for the afternoon, to chill out a little away from the shop as it were. We'd decided I was going to try on a suit I'd bought, a deep blue outfit, very tailored, well-cut and to an extent rather figure-hugging. I'd got it in the same discount store we'd visited a few weeks earlier though I'd not dared ask to try it on in the shop.

"My word, Olivia. Now that looks - good. It really suits you. You've really got the figure for it, girl, good choice."

"Thanks."

"And nice earrings too, are they new? I don't think I've seen them before. OK then, it's decision time."

"Yes they are - what!?" I realised what Gina had said, and wasn't too happy about the tone she'd used.

"Come on then, Annie. Go to your Auntie Olivia for a moment while I sort out your stroller."

I stood there. With my niece Annie in my arms, trying to adjust her a little to fit round my somewhat enhanced 'boobs'. I was still using padding of course even though my heavier dose of hormones was beginning to kick in and to have a greater effect in that region. 'Auntie Olivia'. That was the first time Gina had said that, the first time she'd actually used those words.

"I've been thinking, Olivia. Come on, let's get Annie in the stroller and you can give me a hand down the steps."

I helped Gina to get Annie and her stroller down the steps, then wondered why. Gina had driven from the Centre to my flat, so surely Annie should be going into her car seat? "What did you mean, Gina? Decision time, you said."

"I've decided for you, Olivia. You've enough going on tomorrow, you need to sort some of the issues today. So I'm going to drive back to the Garden Centre, the long way round, I need to pick up a local paper on the way. And you, Olivia my dear, are going to push your niece in her stroller up the High Street back to the Centre. It should take each of us about ten minutes."

Push Annie? Up the High Street?

"Olivia. You have to do this. What's wrong with pushing your niece up the street? OK, so you'll get looked at, but for all the right reasons. Quite a few people will probably think you're her mother. So cope with it. And by the time we both get there Jim will be back."

Jim? I'd been out-manoeuvred, by my sister-in-law. OK, so I was the one with the degree but there's never been any doubt at all which of the three of us was the most intelligent. Gina was just pain savvy, she could out-think Jim or I at any time and on almost any subject. And I was stuck. As Gina skipped round the car and started up and drove off, I had to do just what Gina had arranged, I had no choice. She'd deliberately dumped the responsibility of Annie onto me so that the only choice I had was to push her back to the Garden Centre. And of course deal with my brother when I got there.

I went back up to my flat very briefly to get my handbag and keys, then pushed Annie's stroller through my little gate and up the alley. Onto the High Street. It was wonderful! In one sense the most satisfying ten minutes of my life thus far. I was there, pushing my niece, along the street, in broad daylight and in full public gaze and with lots of people around. Actually I'd never realised before just how awkward it is dealing with a baby and the carriage and my handbag and getting us both along the path and up the street.

But people were - kind. That's the word for it. Moving out of the way. Looking down at Annie who slept through the whole trip. And they smiled, and said 'Hello', and muttered at the dormant Annie, all so - normal. OK so lots of them must have thought she was my daughter. But not once did anyone look at me in any sort of odd way. They all were totally accepting of the new 'me', of a woman walking up the High Street. Not one adverse glance, nothing. It was such a 'right' thing for me to do. Me. Auntie Olivia.

I reached the Garden Centre in the prescribed ten minutes and pushed Annie's carriage up the path towards the house door. I could see down the side of the house that Gina's car wasn't there yet. Jim's van was but that meant nothing. He couldn't drive it of course, whenever any deliveries were needed it was either Charlie or me who did them. Jim still had several months to wait until his 'sentence' finished. I realised - I was there on my own, well, with Annie, and dressed in a way he'd not seen since our teenage years. How would he react?

Gina's car pulled in behind me and she got out. "So, Olivia, how as that?"

"Wonderful" I said. My expression probably said more than the single word I'd used.

"Jim's still in the Centre, I think. Come in, I'm sorry about springing this on you but I really do think it's best this way. He'll be locking up soon, then we can surprise him."

I followed Gina into the house, again helping with Annie, and looked at my reflection, true tranny-style, in the long mirror in their hall. The suit did look good. So did the wig, it had taken me three attempts to find exactly the right length and colour, a deep-ish red and almost shoulder-length, I wanted to wear. I realised that in showing off to Gina earlier I'd chosen slightly higher heels than I really should have but - too late now. As we went together into the kitchen we both heard Jim let himself into the back door.

"Gina? Hello there. Get the kettle on, love, it's been a hell of a day. Kate quit at lunchtime, she got a text from her Dad. Her Mum's taken a turn for the worse so she's gone. Like that. I mean, I had to let her really, she's off to Oz tonight to see if she can ....."

Jim had been calling to his wife. He had moved from just inside the back door, where I imagine he'd been changing out of his working boots, he'd turned to greet his wife and- - seen me.

He'd seen his brother, that is. And not surprisingly he'd been rather shocked. He'd recognised me, of course but he'd still been shocked by just what he'd seen.

"Fucking hell, Oliver!"

"Jim! Language! Not in front of Annie!" Gina had exclaimed.

"What do you mean? I mean.... Oliver, what the hell is all this about?"

He looked me up and down. I walked towards him, reaching out a hand to take his arm, looking down at my red-varnished nails against his working shirt, at the contrast with what I'd normally have seen in that situation.

"Jim. Sit down. There's something I have to tell you."

"There bloody is!"

So Jim and Gina and I sat down round their kitchen table while I went through the little speech I'd prepared for that situation. Except that obviously I went off the script several times, you can't rehearse that sort of thing, can you? Some of what I was saying he knew, but not all. About cross-dressing in my youth. And being unsure even the first time I got married. And the divorce, and then marrying Sarah, and getting divorced again. And then my decision about my gender.

"Jim, it's my birthday tomorrow. So all my life so far, basically I've been a failure I reckon, as a man that is. Jobs and marriages and even dating and so on, nothing has really worked out. And when I sought out therapy it all put what I've suspected into context. I'd thought of myself as a transvestite but really I'm transsexual. I'm a woman. And I decided several months ago to do something about it. To become me. Olivia."

"Olivia?"

"Yes. That's me. From now on."

Right then Gina had to go and feed Annie, OK she could have sat there with us. There's not the problem with breast-feeding these days, not with family at least, but I think she wanted to leave Jim and I on our own for a while.

"You siblings need some time to work things out" she said.

When both Jim and I looked rather awkwardly at her, she just smiled. "I can't say 'brothers' now, can I?"

So Jim and I continued our conversation. About half an hour later Gina came back carrying Annie. "Tea for anyone?"

"I think I need something stronger after this, I need a drink."

"Jim!"

"Jim!"

We said it together.

"Look, I think a half is justified, don't you?" I suggested.

We had to agree, Jim had totally abandoned his hard drinking but he did treat himself to an occasional half of bitter, sometimes even a pint. But no more. He offered me a can too but I declined, settling for tea at the time.

Questions kept on cropping up, about where I'd been and where I thought I was going. I'd explained about the possible surgery, which was not impossible but I knew it would be a long way in the future if it did happen. About half an hour later I'd decided I'd had enough. But Gina wasn't finished.

"Jim. How long is Kate going to be away?"

"At least a couple of weeks. If she comes back at all. She's talked about it before, about staying out there with her Mum and Dad. This may well cause her to think about that again."

"So - you're stuck for staff. As of now, Jim, you're one short?"

"Sure."

"So - how about Olivia? She's not working now. And I know she's been thinking about a job soon, somehow. And she has retail experience. If you want someone in the bookshop area, like Kate was, she could be ideal."

I looked at Gina. Jim looked at Gina. Then Jim looked at me.

"I'd never - oh fuck!"

"Jim!"

It was Gina again.

"Sorry. But this whole thing, I mean, it's a bit stressful. OK, so I'll stop swearing, if you'll stop throwing shocks at me. OK?"

Then he grinned, widely. Gina and I looked at each other this time, wondering just what had flashed into Jim's mind.

"The last shock I had like this, love, was when you came home and told me you were pregnant."

I remembered their surprise, they'd been trying for ages and were just beginning to think maybe they were past it, maybe it wasn't going to happen.

"I remember I swore then. And you said something like 'it's perfectly normal Jim, hundreds of women have come home today and told their husbands they're expecting'. Well, how many men have got home today and found out their brother is a woman?"

I looked him.

"One I should think."

"Quite" he said. "Hence the swearing. But, OK, I'm calm now. Anyway, this afternoon I was just wondering if - Oliver - wanted a job. In the centre."

We went on for a few more minutes, then Gina announced that there had been enough excitement for one night, and that she had to get Annie to bed. And she finished with 'Jim? I think you should walk Olivia home.'

So he did. I slid an arm through his, and we walked back down the High Street.

"This is going to take some getting used to, Olivia. "

Just as we got to my flat I turned to Jim.

"Look, this has been one hell of a day. You want me at the Centre at ten tomorrow? I'd better get my beauty sleep."

I looked at my brother as he was about to go.

"Jim. Can I kiss you? I am your sister after all."

I gave him a very brief peck on the cheek.

"Look, just don't make a habit of it" he said.

He turned and began the walk back to his house. I went in and undressed. I'd bought myself a new nightie, really for the following night, my birthday night, after I'd done it. But Gina had forced the issue. I'd 'come out' a day early. So I wore my new, wispy, black nightie that night.

The next day, a Sunday morning when the Garden Centre opened later at ten, I walked once more the several hundred yards up the street. I decided to go in the house first, anyway the customer entrance wasn't open yet. I let myself it, and called out.

"Gina? Jim? Anybody home?"

"In here, Olivia."

It was Gina's voice from the living room. I went in, she was sitting on the sofa - bare-breasted, with Annie attached!

"Nearly ready, here, have your niece for a minute or two while I clean up and get some clothes on."

Annie was a good baby but, however good, the first few months are always difficult. Or so I'm told, neither of my own two marriages had resulted in offspring. I suppose that's part of the reason why neither actually worked out. However, taking Annie from her mother and hugging her over my shoulder, I realised that part, those parts, of my life were over. Time for a very fresh start.

"OK Olivia" said Gina returning after a couple of minutes. "I'll let Jim have her now, I'm going to talk to the staff. To introduce their new co-worker. Ready? Three may be fireworks!"

I looked out of the window at the back, towards the actual Garden Centre. Charlie was there, and Marie, and John, the part-time student. He'd increased his hours while Gina was otherwise occupied though he was still short of full-time.

"Do you want me to come - now?"

"No, Olivia. Hang on a few minutes. Let me say something first."

I watched my sister-in-law walk across towards the three of them, who were probably wondering what was going on, why the boss's wife wanted to speak to them. I couldn't see them properly, couldn't read their expressions or hear anything through the window, then Gina turned and beckoned me to join them. I went out of the back door, and walked across the path towards the 'staff' of the centre. I knew them all quite well of course, and Kate too since I'd done some casual work for Jim after his driving ban, and some before.

They all looked hesitant. Not surprising really. They were seeing someone they knew quite well really but clearly there was something different. Massively different. I didn't look like the boss's brother, not like the 'Oliver' they knew. I'd chosen to dress somewhat smart, somewhat formally, for my first day properly as 'Olivia', and indeed for my first day in my new job. I knew, because Gina had told me and because I'd had a good inspection of my reflection both the previous day and that morning, that the dark blue suit I'd worn that previous day suited me. So I'd worn it again.