O So Important

Oh, the big "O" that was so trendy to talk about in my mother's "heyday". Even as a fairly small child I can remember her generation talking about it...

What is it? The big "O" being a woman's orgasm, of course! Ever heard of it? For some, sadly, this is something that they have yet to hear about, learn about, know even exists...

Really?

Yes, really. No joke! Most of them are men, though. If she doesn't squirt a geyser of cum in the air, she must not be able to feel as good as a man does... So sad.

Again, hearing the media when I was growing up talking about this issue of women's orgasms and their value to society, etc. made a huge impression on me... Okay perhaps I'm overstating the impact on society part. But, just a little. It was absolutely a hot topic (pun intended!). So hot in fact, that even I as a young girl knew what they were talking about without knowing the actual mechanics of sex. At the very least, I understood the message they were trying to get across.

The message was: women deserve to enjoy sex as much as men.

Wow. Did I understand that at such a young age? I think I did. It was ingrained in me. Women were constantly fighting to be treated as equals to men even in the eighties. Some might say we still are. But the feminist "movement" is not really a movement anymore. We're just women now. That's how it should be, anyway. Men and women, just ourselves. Women seem to have reached a certain plateau where they are working out of the home, having kids on their own, sticking up for themselves, staying home if they want to, and most men, some men, don't challenge that as they might have two decades ago.

So why does the subject of the big "O" cause me to sit and write down my thoughts, frustrations, anger?

Perhaps, I'll answer my own question with the truth... I can't believe I allowed myself to be ignored for so long. Years. Considering my fairly young age... it's more like: many many years!

Could anyone, man or woman, imagine a man having sex for years on end without ever having, or demanding an orgasm from their partner? No. Simply... no. So, why did I?

It angers me. Of course the obvious part is that it frustrates me physically and emotionally. But, I allowed it and therefore did it to myself. Very simple. My anger is squarely placed on myself. My partner is merely the lucky fool that got the benefit of my own lack of self value.

Wow. Pretty harsh words and an even harsher reality.

Now, in the passionate beginning of this relationship I was just so happy to be loved. The sexual passion and desire that I had were my own. I owned them. Somewhere along the lines I stopped asking for what I wanted. Maybe it was trying a position that was rejected as "less stimulating" for him. Or maybe it was trying a sixty-nine that still left me hanging from lack of persistence on his part and my own lack of insistence. Maybe it was when I tried showing this person what it was that I wanted and having him turn away as if it were dirty. And my own giving up from feeling dirty. (that last part makes me the saddest)

And now? Years later, in a "comfortable" place in our relationship, I'm here eating myself alive over my lack of fullfilment. (no pun intended, although...)

It brings up another painful realization. My partner is not willing to learn, listen or change. So what does one do with that information? Pretty devastating.

First and foremost the fantasies come in. About the single hot neighbor across the way. Did he look out his window to see me again? Yes, I think he did. And just a couple of months ago, I might not have noticed.

Now, I want to notice. Funny, it must be a combination of my wanting to feel sexier and the fact that I'm terribly dissapointed in my lover's lack of interest in my fulfillment that seems to be attracting men to me lately. "I'm hungry, someone please feed me..." must be written all over my face.

Really, who cares about the reason. In some way I'm getting some of what I want from other men. The attention I've been getting has made me almost drunk on my own sexuality. The possibility that I might find fulfillment elsewhere has me drunk.

The produce department at the market, the park where I excercise, purposely wearing skin tight work out clothes, by the way, even where we park the car; these are places I seem to be finding men. They get a look at my hoisted up titties in tight shirts and I get drunk on them looking.

Do you think my partner would like that? Don't think he would care. Honestly. Know he doesn't, actually. He thinks he has me completely. Sad to say he's mistaken my apathy for contentment.

So I do it out in the open. Don't really try to hide it. What for?

Now for getting what I want. The real question is, will I take the final steps necessary to get what

I want. And what will they be. The proverbial fork in the road is before me.

I could make another go at asking, persuading, begging(?) for what I want from my partner of almost ten years. Or will I throw in the towel and end it, opening up my life for some real fulfillment from a man that really enjoys being a man?

My neighbor is looking sooooo good to me now.

Who cares that he might not be compatible with me. I just wanta get fucked properly! But that seems so empty to me. I'm a lover not a straight-up fucker. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that gets you going. Me, my heart goes wherever my body goes. So, do I throw away a guy that loves me, if not enough to want to please me? Or do I toss it and go for the fuck? ( My neighbor looks like he knows what he's doing....mmmmm. He has "I know how to eat pussy..." written all over his face)

Well... I might have to write the ending another time. It's not over yet. I'm still willing to eat myself alive for the time being. Does that mean I love to be dominated? Am I a masochist? That question brings a smile to my face even though the subject of this essay may not. But I probably wont settle for this substantial "less" much longer. The facts aren't all that encouraging on this relationship.

So, back to the big "O"...think it's still unimportant to satisfy your girl?

Don't overlook the fact that a girl needs to know that you're doing it willingly, enthusiastically, with some gusto, passion, desire, otherwise it's just fucking and the thrill just wont be there.

For God's sake learn to please your girl. That means eating her out, if I wasn't clear enough on that point.

It is important.

Ask her, listen to her, or just find out on your own and go from there (this site is a perfect place to learn how).

If you want her to think you're the best she's ever had, you'll do this. If you want her to never look around for some other tongue to use, you'll do it. If you want to cherish her like the beautiful creature she is, you'll do it. Rethink your lack of attention to her orgasm, you might have one hot mess of a girl in your bed one night and it might even be me. MMMMmmm.