Oasis

This is my first attempt at writing a story. Any suggestions, feedback, constructive criticisms are greatly appreciated.

*****

I woke up failing to catch the image in my dream. It was always the restlessness feeling of something just out of my reach. And it's almost 11. Oh shit! I was late- no. I had no place to be late to.

Whatever. Maybe I could roll over and go to sleep some more. Why did I wake up anyway? Anne must be at work already. Yep. No need to wake this pathetic waste of space when she could meet up with her lover. Maybe a quickie, even. Perhaps I should not complain that she looked for better prospects.

Not that I cared.

Caring took too much effort. I just didn't feel like it. The nagging feeling was getting ridiculous. I got up from bed.

###

He was going backwards. I didn't know what to do to make it better. The last time we talked, really talked, was four months ago. He promised to go back to therapy. And broke the promise. Of course.

I caressed my slightly round tummy. Who else are you gonna disappoint, Evan?

I closed my eyes, trying to picture him changing nappy or singing lullaby. It changed into of him staring at nothing while our baby went on crying.

Is that a fate I wanted for my baby? The hurt of being invisible to the person whose attention mattered the most?

I still didn't tell him the news. I was not afraid that he would react badly. In fact that would be better than the vacant expression like our baby doesn't really matter either way. Just like I didn't matter at all. Not even to notice the bump growing bigger each day.

The nurse ushered me inside the chamber. I was going to find out the gender today.

####

I couldn't find the blue shirt. I was pretty sure I left it on the chair last week. Or was it the week before? Yeah... that's the day I went to get my prescription filled. That means more than three weeks. Shit! I lost track of things again.

I looked around the room. When did the desk become a mini pantry? Or that new fish in aquarium? The water looks new, Anne must have changed it. But that was my job. Why wouldn't she tell me before adding another fish?

It's just a fish. It doesn't matter.

What was i doing...the shirt. Anne probably put it in the wardrobe. She could've told me to do it myself, it's not like I had anything to do. She should not have to take care of me on top of putting the food on the table. It was supposed to be the other way around. Why did it...how could i...

I was getting so worked up. It felt like cars rushing past me while I stood still. Like waters slipping through my fingers, no matter what I did to stop it. I was drowning...

The pills. I forgot to take them today.

When I opened the bathroom cabinet, something dropped in my hurry to get the meds . It was an old fashioned razor. Anne gifted me that thing on our six months anniversary, a private joke about my possessive nature.

It's been three years since our marriage. The anniversary that passed two days ago and I didn't remember.

Fuck! I was lower than the lowest of scum. Why did I actually bother to stay alive? I had asked myself the question a thousand times before. But thinking of it looking at the razor gave it a new depth. Maybe it was a sign.

A damn ironical sign.

Slowly, I picked up the razor.

####

I took a deep breath. Okay, the hundredth deep breath. In five minutes, i would be home -no, the flat. And I was gonna tell him that I was having a baby girl. But he if he wanted to be a father to her, things had to change. I didn't know if I could get through the void surrounding his heart, but I would be damned if i didn't try. Our baby deserved nothing but the best.

If it was the Evan i fell in love with, I wouldn't be nervous. Hell, we wouldn't have the talk at all. But my Evan was trapped inside that apathetic shell of a person who just lived in the same house as me. He never smiled, never cuddled me randomly, never poked fun at my nerd glasses, or played Bach to entertain the pair of goldfish. Like my Evan did.

But my husband was there. And I hope he comes back to me because I was not ready to give up on him.

The lights were off in the living room. It was odd since he was usually there staring at the telly, sometimes the wall. Maybe he was out. I headed to the bedroom.

The first thing that registered was chaos. The bedroom was trashed. Bed messed up, clothes every where, drawers opened.

And his wrist was wrapped in some gauze. Still bloody.

But that was not what made me run toward where he was sitting against the wall, his hand still clutching the first ultrasound pictures of our baby.

It was his eyes...not blank, just full of anguish, and regret, and longing, and love.

It was my Evan.

His eyes were on my swollen tummy.

"Anne... the baby..." His voice cracked his hand reaching for it like he couldn't help himself.

I used to joke about him being a caveman, even gifted him a razor. His comeback was always the same, cavemen lived with their mate. Or they didn't live.

"Oh, Evan!" My stubborn stupid husband. I couldn't choke the sob when he touched my belly like it was a deity to be worshipped. His lips on me apologizing for everything... more than his voice ever could.

His lips were a desperate plea, kissing me on my face, my neck- everywhere. And as my lips found his, like the sweetest water after an eternity of thirst, I was finally home.