tagHumor & SatireO'er the River and Thru the Woods

O'er the River and Thru the Woods

bylitfan10©

All characters engaged in sexual activities are at least eighteen years of age...really.

*

Once upon a time.

Okay, really?

Can you think of a more pointless beginning?

Of course it's once upon a time, otherwise it wouldn't exist and we wouldn't be talking about it -- Right?

Once in no time when it never happened at all ever....

Sheesh.

*******

Oops, so the Board of Directors at Literotica just reminded me that no story means no narrator so I'd be out of a job.

Well then.

********

Once upon a fucking time there lived an eighteen year old girl named Little Red Riding Hood.

Okay. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Who the Hell names their kid after a garment?

Come on, really?

I can see it now: "And now playing 'Hound Dog' by Blue Suede Shoes."

or

"I'd like to introduce you to my son, Old, Smelly Denim Jacket."

Like they knew at birth the kid would take to a red riding hood?

Got any guesses on lottery numbers with that kind of forecasting skill, huh?

And let's just take a moment to talk about said garment.

This girl (who is of legal age of eighteen for any sexual activity -- just getting that out right now to be clear and not get arrested or banned or nothing) wanders in the woods.

The Woods -- where there are carnivores who eat eighteen year old girls (and I don't mean in a sexual way even though she is of legal age and it would be okay for her to be eaten out -- we are clear on that -- right?)

So what does she wear? Red.

Why not just throw a slab of smelly raw meat or pour honey on the poor girl, toss her in a crowded bear cave and call it a day.

Sheesh.

And a cape no less. There are tree limbs. Lots of tree limbs. And brackle. Yeah, a cape in there is just a brilliant idea. Especially if you are running away from a bear trying to eat you (and not in the sexua....oh never mind, you got the point by now.)

And what the Hell is with calling her Little?

The damn woman is eighteen years of age, five foot ten and built like a red brick house.

Little, my ass.

Sheesh

So anyway.

********

Once upon a fucking time there lived a little (LEGAL AGE OF EIGHTEEN) girl with the stupid name Little Red Riding Hood wearing a stupid red cape.

What was our little darling doing?

She was taking a basket of goodies to her Grandmother's house.

Aawwww....Don't you just want to pinch her cheek?

No, not her ass cheek (Even though you could because she is of legal age of eighteen.)

Now, remember her parents who came up with the clever name of Little Red Riding Hood in the first place? And sent her off into the dangerous, overgrown woods dressed in a red cape?

Yeah, those idiots.

These are not normal people we are dealing with here.

Well, this basket of goodies they gave her?

Let me tell you something.

Her parents owned and operated a toy store.

Yeah, Fairy Tales and Toy Shops just go so hand in hand together all la de da perfect.

You forget where you are reading this.

It was an Adult Toy Store.

These were....ah...shall we say very interesting goodies.

See Grandmother hasn't seen a lot of action since her second hip replacement so her loving, liberal minded, adult toy store owning daughter wanted to give her a ....ah...special treat.

You'd expect this from someone who names their kid Little Red Riding Hood and sends her off into the woods in a red riding hood wouldn't you?

And another thing.

You notice how nobody every talks about anything other than the red riding hood?

Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret because I'm good like that.

She was nude under it.

It was National Nude Day and she is of Legal Age of eighteen and it works so much better on an erotic story site than if she was wearing gussets and corsets and all that other stuff that takes like a million years to put on and take off.

No wonder they didn't have porn movies back in the good old days. By the time the women were naked it'd be past the end credits.

Sheesh.

Any ways, Little Red Riding Hood was butt ass naked under her little red riding hood.

The little floozy.

And she was carrying a basket of adult sex toy goodies.

Bet you have nooooooo idea where this story is going.

*******

So our darling Miss Little Red Riding Hood was strolling along naked in the woods without a care in the world when she came upon a deep, fast moving river.

Fortunately, there was a sturdy bridge so wanderers like Little Red Riding Hood could get across.

Just as our sweet, adorable girl (of the legal age of eighteen -- and SPOILER: that's a REAL important fact right about now!) stepped on the bridge, wouldn't you know it, but a huge, ugly, green troll popped out from under the bridge and jumped in front of her.

The wee, three foot troll looked up at our fair damsel and stopped her.

Okay.

Yes, I realize I described him as huge (as well as ugly and green) and now I'm telling you he's a wee, three feet tall.

No I'm not a bad narrator.

Don't you go shaking your head.

The troll is shaking his head but that is a very different matter as you shall soon see.

You see, it's July 14th. National Nude Day.

And our dear troll was celebrating just like Little Red Riding Hood so he was butt ass naked too.

That head he's shaking?

It ain't the one attached to his neck.

And it's huge.

Not his neck -- just to be clear.

"Well, little green troll with the impressive,...well, endowment....Happy National Nude Day to you!" Little Red Riding Hood greeted the troll.

And with that our eighteen year old legal aged little darling pulled her cape open flashing the troll.

The little floozy.

And the troll got bigger.

"Hey, Red," said the overly familiar troll. "Where are you going on this spectacular National Nude Day?"

"I'm taking this basket of goodies to my grandmother who lives deep in the woods on the other side of this bridge."

The troll hopped up and down clapping his hands and wiggling his...well....endowment.

"I get a goodie as a toll, or you're not going any place."

Little Red Riding Hood looked in the basket of goodies and fished about for a bit.

Finally she pulled out a bottle of lube.

The troll watched as Little Red poured a liberal amount on his well....endowment.

She tossed the bottle aside, flung her cape over her shoulder, leaped up impaling herself on the impressive little troll.

"Oh Goodie!" exclaimed the troll.

While the two rutted like animals (but Magical Fantasy Creature like animals so we're not violating any bestiality rules here), off on a nearby hillside Billy Goat Gruff noticed the flapping red cape and saw...well...red.

You see after one too many head butts, he thought he was a big fearsome bull so he was always on the look-out for a matador to gore.

Billy Goat Gruff pawed the earth, huffed a bit and stormed down the hill head down.

"Oh, yeah, Oh yeah, Fuck Yeah!" yelled Little Red as she saw stars.

The little floozy.

She hopped down and bent over to collect her basket when BAM! Billy Goat Gruff slammed the troll here into next Tuesday off the bridge into very troubled waters.

Little Red Riding Hood straightened her cape and went off across the bridge while the Goat wandered back up the hillside shaking his head.

Soon enough Little Red Riding Hood came across eighteen year old legal aged boy and girl looking at a life sized gingerbread house with gum drop windows and candy cane eaves.

Really?

In the middle of dense woods.

Like it's not attracting bugs or anything?

And where the fuck did they find an oven big enough for the single piece walls?

Must be nice living in a fantasy land.

Anywho, I digress. Back to our adorable legal aged of eighteen boy and girl.

*******

Okay, we really need to have a discussion about legal ages here. Yes, yes Hansel and Gretel and Little Red Riding are always depicted as children in the Fairy Tales.

Well, clearly we have established that there are some serious flaws with our understanding of these assorted tales.

Think about it.

These tales are hundreds of years old. Hundreds.

So one could assume these characters are now about nine or ten hundred years old give or take a whole bunch of decades.

But wait - you forget something else.

These fairy tales originated in Europe.

No, no, no, not the rock group that gave us the "Final Countdown."

The other Europe.

The Europe where they use the metric system.

That Europe.

So applying this American narrator's understanding of the metric system and using it to convert their documented ages we get a final age of exactly eighteen-years-of-age for each and every one of them.

Really.

I double-checked my math.

*******

So back to our legal aged eighteen year old Hansel and Gretel.

They were nude as well.

See they also got the memo about July 14th being National Nude Day.

Must be an incredible mail delivery service in fantasy land.

The two were crying.

"What's the matter eighteen-year old legal aged boy and girl?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.

The boy sniffed, "We're hungry and want to go to that yummy house but the wicked witch inside wants to eat us and not in the sexual way -- even though she could as we are eighteen years old and of legal age."

Little Red Riding Hood thought about it for a minute and then fished through her basket of goodies.

"Ah ha! I knew I saw this." She exclaimed as she held up a men's and women's pair of edible underwear and a jar of body chocolate.

"Here put these on and the witch will eat this instead of you, as clearly living in that house she has a serious sweet tooth issue. Like she's not a diabetic case waiting to happen for fuck's sake."

"Oh Goodie!" they exclaimed clapping their hands.

See it really was a basket of goodies.

The little darlings donned the edible frillys and poured the chocolate over themselves and waved good bye to Little Red Riding Hood as she wandered back off into the woods.

***********

Soon enough Little Red Riding Hood came across a very buxom blonde who also got the memo and was sitting naked on a stone pedestal in the middle of the forest.

No, I have no idea why it was there either unless this was the location for Disney's Chronicles of Narnia's Aslan's death scene but I mean what are the odds?

"Hey Princess," Little Red Riding Hood greeted the Princess. "What's the matter?"

"I just can't get comfortable and it's been such a long day. I'm tired."

Once again Little Red Riding Hood fished through her basket of goodies.

"Ah ha" exclaimed Little Red Riding Hood as she pulled out the deluxe Fifty Shades chained wrist and ankle cuff hog-tying kit.

It was a very big basket of goodies.

The Princess nervously pointed at the contraption, "And that's going to help me how?"

"You're on a stone slab, anything would be better," Red patiently answered.

The Princess shrugged and with Red's help she was hog tied on the slab in no time.

I'm going to let you in on another little secret.

Those annoying warning labels on a lot of products?

They're there for a reason.

It seemed the Princess was highly allergic to latex which is on 96.7% of all adult toys.

Boom, she was out like a light.

Red looked on amazed.

"Wow! That really worked? Who knew? I was just going to hog tie her and have my way with her. She's hot."

The little floozy.

Red shrugged and wandered off leaving the sleeping princess naked, hog-tied on a stone slab in the middle of the woods.

It was a beautiful thing.

******

Soon enough she found her Grandmother's house.

Since Granny had just had her second hip replacement, Red expected to find her Grandmother in her bed, and lo and behold she was right.

"Hi Grandma. I brought you a basket of goodies."

"What did you bring me?"

"My Grandmother, what a deep voice you have."

"It's from the anesthesia from the surgery, you legal aged idiot."

"Oh."

"My Grandmother, what big teeth you have."

"All the better to eat you up my little eighteen year old legal aged cupcake, speaking of goodies."

"Oooooooooo, really?"

"My Red, what a ah....sexy, husky voice you suddenly have there."

"My Grandmother what big..."

"Look, are you going to give me the damn basket of goodies or not?"

"Well, okay, but mom said I needed to help you with them as you just had surgery."

And with that Red flung her cape off and leapt on the bed.

And helped her surprisingly furry grandmother with all the goodies.

Every last goodie.

All afternoon and all evening.

The little floozy.

Not quite the end.

Epilogue....or where they are now.

Billy Goat Gruff became the live action model for the hit video game "Goat Simulator."

Hansel and Gretel became co-authors of the best-selling self-help book It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you.

Sleeping Beauty was found by an incredibly lucky Prince (the lucky bastard!) and lived very happily ever after in his castle in the 100% latex-free dungeon where she slept like a baby (but was still of legal age of eighteen.)

Red Riding Hood went on to work for Adam and Eve's door to door Adult Toy sales division and was national sales champion five years straight.

The little floozy.

The Big Bad Wolf? Well, you'll just have to read "Once Upon a National Nude Day" to find out what happened to him.

The fucking end.

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by Anonymous

If the above comment contains any ads, links, or breaks Literotica rules, please report it.
by litfan1007/22/17

Response to Cordance

Hi Cordance - thanks for the great comment. I'm glad you liked it.

Hmmmmm next time I convert the metric system maybe I should use a slide rule :D

Thanks again! Happy reading

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by Cordance07/22/17

Big Bad Wolf

Good pace to the story. I found it interesting and entertaining from start to finish. It was original and imaginative. There may be one problem however. Did some research on Big Bad Wolf and it seems hemore...

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by litfan1007/10/17

Hey JJMemaw0623

Thank you for the kind words. I always love a good coffee spewing! I have every intention to keep writing. Maybe not another spoof like this for a while, but definitely more work. Thanks again!

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by JJMemaw062307/09/17

OMGawd!

I loved it! I chuckled, laughed and spewed my coffee a couple of times I giggled so hard (no pun intended)! Thanks for the laugh and I hope you win!! Please keep writing, I can't wait to see more of yourmore...

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by litfan1006/29/17

Response to sexymeup

Hi sexymeup. Thank you for the lovely comment. Honestly, they are my worst received works but my personal favorite. I'm so glad you enjoyed them.
Fairy "Tails" was right!
I hope to write some more,more...

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