Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 01

I heard him laugh and then he said, "No, I won't say what you are expecting...that would be too easy."

He then gave me a big smile and said, "But it may be hard, you've always been Sister Carol, but I will try, Carol."

"You still haven't told me what you are doing here. Or is it classified, on a secret mission and I could have blown your cover."

I rolled my eyes and then said, "I'm speaking at the Mathematicians Convention, I am also speaking tomorrow, but in the morning and that's why I'm here tonight."

I went on, "It's really nice, they are paying for everything, my flight and the room. The only expense that I have is my meals. I'm on my own for that."

Zack broke into a big grin and said, "That's wonderful, now you won't be able to turn down my invitation to dinner. I'm sure that the Order has you on a rather tight budget, so I have all intentions to take up the slack."

"In fact I am meeting a couple of Army buddies tonight and..."

I started to laugh and interrupted, "Zack, you don't want me along with a bunch of Army buddies."

He held up his hand and said, "The bunch is two and they will have their wives with them, believe me you will fit right in. It will be a lot of laughs, you will think that you are back at Sing Sing."

I rolled my eyes, "Zack, that's not much of an incentive, now is it?"

He gave a little laugh, "I guess not, but it won't be that bad...well maybe it won't."

We found a couple of chairs and sat talking while we waited for the Army to arrive. I told him about my travels since leaving St. Stephen's and how I ended up in Santa Fe.

He told me that after he got out of the Army he got a job working at a ship building company that was owned by a friend's uncle, in fact one of the guys that he was meeting tonight and how he and another young engineer had designed a keel for racing boats. That was why he was here; he was going to talk about the keel.

As we sat there, two rather large young men walked up and stood next to where we were sitting. They seemed to be arguing about something.

One was blonde and the other had black hair. The guy with the black hair was saying, "I'm telling you, Terry, that's not him. That's not Papa."

The blonde argued, "Bobby that's him. That's Papa Swiss."

Bobby wasn't convinced, "No way, this guy is fat, out of shape and ugly...I mean really ugly. There was no way that Papa was this ugly."

Terry continued to argue, " Look Bobby, let me explain, and I know this stuff because I took a whole semester of psychology in college. Ya see, when you experience unbelievable ugliness and then it is taken away, like sent to the States and then thrown out of the Army, your mind being so delicate, can't continue to remember that ugliness. What it does is pretty it up. So what your mind had done is pretty up your memory of Papa."

Bobby shook his head and said, "There is no way that I could ever be friends with something that fat and ugly."

I noticed that there were two very attractive women standing to the side. They were quietly laughing and shaking their heads.

Then Terry said, "Well, I guess that I will just have to prove it to you."

He grabbed Zack's arm and said, "Get up, I gotta prove something."

He stood Zack between him and Bobby and blew at Zack's chest. Bobby mimed like he was being hit by a gale force wind. When Terry stopped, Bobby grabbed Zack and gave him a huge bear hug, lifting him off the ground.

He practically screamed, "Holy shit, it is you PAPA."

He dropped Zack and Terry grabbed him and hugged Zack. They stood there pounding each other on the back.

At this point the two beautiful women come over and pushed the guys away and wrapped their arms around Zack.

One of them, who I later learned was Miriam, said, "Leave Zack alone, he is ours now." The two women then started to kiss Zack all over.

Terry turned to Bobby and said, "Uh, Bobby, do you think we should be worried?"

Bobby laughed, "Terry, that's Papa. What's to worry about?"

Then Bobby turned to me and in a voice so oily that could end our energy problems said, "And just who are you, my beauty?"

At that point, Terry seemed to have discovered me. "Wow, Papa, just where did you find this lovely creature." He then took my hand and kissed it and in a disgustingly greasy voice continued, "For such a beauty, you sure don't have any taste in men. I should warn you that Papa is just an old broken down soldier."

Bobby chimed in with, "You should know that he a Army reject. Such a beautiful woman as you deserves a real man, a lot more than that patched up old gimp. You gotta realize that he is being held together with bailing wire and duct tape."

I gave them my sweetest smile and said, "Gentlemen, I think that you should return to your wives." Glancing over at them, I added, "That is...if they still want you."

Bobby roared, "Holy Christ, I haven't been put down that badly since I asked Miriam out the first time."

The two women laughed and Miriam said, "Carol, I'm Miriam and this is Rachel. We are married to these two Neanderthals."

Rachel then added, "You have to realize, we didn't meet Zack until after we married these two bozos."

Terry grabbed his chest and moaned, "Stabbed through my heart, by my one and only."

Zack pushed him into a chair and said, "What are you talking about, you don't have a heart."

Terry just sat there and laughed.

Bobby stood there, looked at me and said, "If you think I worry about what they say, you have another thing coming. He is all yours...that is if your taste doesn't improve."

At this point, Miriam and Rachel come over and took my arms and dragged me away saying, "You are now ours."

Miriam giggled and said, "Zack, you are in big trouble, we are going to tell this poor waif everything we know about you."

Zack was laughing and yelled, "Carol, don't believe a word they say."

We went to a restaurant that Terry and Rachel knew. It was within walking distance of the hotel. As we had a few drinks, I told them that I had been Zack's teacher in his senior year.

Miriam said, "You were just out of college, weren't you."

"Yes, it was my first job."

"And he fell in love with you. And he is still in love with you. Now having met you, a lot of things are clear."

"Zack has never gotten serious with anyone...and now we know why."

I was shocked, could these women think that Zack was in love with me. I couldn't believe it. Sure he had a schoolboy crush on me but LOVE. Never.

I laughed at them and said, "Look Zack may have had a crush on me but ladies you don't know what you are talking about."

They both laughed and Miriam went, "When we came in to the hotel lobby and saw the way that you were sitting and talking, we naturally assumed that you two were more than just friends or acquaintances."

I was shocked and said, "Really?" she asked.

Rachel smiled, "Let me tell you something, girl, the way that Zack was looking at you, and I have to say the way you were looking back..."

"We all thought that you were lovers," Miriam interrupted.

I gave them a small smile and said, "No that's one thing we are not."

"Well then you should be," Rachel laughed. "You two make a beautiful couple."

"It's a bit complicated..." I said.

"You're not married are you?" Miriam asked.

"No, I'm not...I'm a nun."

They both looked at me like I had two heads. Rachel said, "Really...you don't look like a Nun."

I laughed and said, "We don't wear the habits much any more. But let me assure I am really a Nun."

Miriam laughed and said, "Well then you shouldn't be. Now don't take this wrong or as a criticism of you or your vocation, but I can't understand what the Catholic's obsession with chastity is. I'm Jewish and all of our Rabbis are married. I don't see how the love for someone will effect your love for God." She laughed and threw her hands up, saying, "I have said my piece and that all I will say."

Rachel smiled and said, "I would have never taken you for a Nun. But then I have never known any Nuns before, I always thought you guys were like the Nun in The Blues Brothers. You know wearing the long black habit and gliding over the floor."

Rachel gave me sort of sad smile and in a voice just loud enough for Miriam and I to hear, said, "I will say this and then stop; I think that Zack is in love with you, and I think that the feeling is mutual..."

I went to open my mouth, but she held up her hand stopping me from saying anything.

"Maybe you will never admit it, but I think that you have some very strong feelings for Zack. I can't imagine what it's like...loving someone who is unobtainable. I feel for the both of you."

Rachel looked like she was going to cry and I realized that she was very serious and that both she and Miriam had very strong feelings for Zack.

Miriam was getting rather emotional, and she said, "Carol, all this aside, we love Zack more than you know..."

Rachel broke in and said, "If it wasn't for Zack...we would both be widows. Zack brought both Terry and Bobby back after they had been hurt. Zack saved them."

I could see the tears in Miriam's eyes. She said, "Bobby still gets upset about Zack loosing his knee because..."

I asked, "His knee..."

Rachel laughed and said, "You two have a lot to talk about."

At this point the "boys" came back and the silliness started again. Dinner was just wonderful. All I could think about was what the women said. Did Zack love me?

All I could do was watch him. He was wonderful, he laughed and made the others laugh.

They all loved him. Not because of what he had done for them but for who he was. He loved them and I slowly came to realize that he loved me.

I sat back and watched him. He was really enjoying himself. Laughing and teasing, and they just loved it. The girls as well as the men. And I must say that I loved it also, but just how much and in what way?

After dinner we went to a nearby club. Zack asked me to dance. It was a fast one and I saw no problem, but the next one was a slow song. I stayed with Zack and we danced. He held me close and I held him. I have never felt so warm and comfortable. I liked what I was feeling.

We held each other close and I rested my head on his shoulder and pulled him to me. It felt so good and right. After the music stopped we went back to the others.

The silliness resumed. We left the club at a little after midnight. Amazingly, as I watched, Terry drank only sparkling water. He was the driver. For all the silliness they were responsible young men. I looked at them in an entirely different light. Zack was no longer the young student but a grown, responsible man as were Bobby and Terry.

As we left the club and went to their car, I could see that they didn't want to part. It was like watching a family being forced to go their own way. They all loved each other. They had a connection that I don't think anyone outside of the "Band of Brothers" could understand.

We said our goodbyes with hugs and kisses. It felt like I had known them for years. I hated to see them go. Just before they got into the car, Rachel and Miriam hugged me and Miriam smiled at me and said, "Listen, I don't know what to say. He loves you and I believe that you love him. I will pray for you. I will pray that you both will find happiness."

I just smiled and said, "Thank you, Miriam."

Rachel leaned over to me and giggled, "I am probably going to hate myself in the morning, and I would never say this if I wasn't drinking, but I hate the thought of you two not being together, give it some thought."

Miriam looked at her and gasped, "Rachel, how could you say that?"

Rachel laughed and said, "I have said it...but girl don't you ever tell me that you're not thinking the same thing."

Miriam just shook her head, "Maybe so, but I would never say it."

We had one more hug and they got into the car. Zack and I watched as they drove off. I felt sad at losing these new friends. We had exchanged e-mail addressed and had promised to write.

As we turned to go back to the hotel, Zack tripped over something (I have no idea what).

I grabbed him and kept him from falling. I took his hand in mine and said, "Tell me Zack, is it me or do you trip over everything."

Without missing a beat, he squeezed my hand and said, "It's you."

We walked the two blocks back to the hotel, hand in hand, in silence.

When we got back to the hotel we walked through to the lobby and into the elevator. When the elevator stopped at the seventh floor, Zack took me in his arms and he lowered his face to mine and kissed me. His lips were so soft on mine. They were warm and sweet. I liked it.

He pulled back from me. I looked into his eyes and I saw what I knew was love. Zachary, Zachary, Zachary Miller was in love with me.

I smiled at him and said, "Thank you for the perfect evening. I can't remember ever enjoying an evening more than I have tonight. Nor do I remember enjoying being with anyone so much."

Zack smiled at me and I turned and walked back to my room. I was walking on clouds, my head in the sky. As I undressed, I thought about the evening. This was dangerous territory. I was feeling things that I had never felt before. Things that a nun shouldn't allow herself to feel.

I got on my knees and prayed. I asked my Lord for help, that he help me deal with this temptation. This temptation that I really didn't want taken away. I asked for guidance, I needed to be shown what I should do.

Deep in my heart I knew what I should do. I knew that I should avoid Zack, I should avoid him like the plague. But, I also knew that I wouldn't. Would I be able to see Zack and avoid temptation? I prayed for strength. I fell asleep praying.

I awoke just as the sun started to come up. Once again I prayed. I showered, dressed and left my room to down to the hotel lobby. I walked two blocks to the Catholic Church, St. Sebastian's. I attended mass and again prayed for guidance. After mass I went back to the hotel and my room, again I prayed.

Around seven forty-five I left the room and went to the elevator, as I got onto the elevator, I heard a voice call, "Please hold the elevator." It was the conference coordinator, Margaret Zeigler. When she saw me her eyes lit up. "Oh Carol, I'm so glad I met you. You are the first speaker and I wanted to treat you to breakfast. Some of the other speakers will be meeting us down in the lobby and we are all going to have breakfast together."

"Thank you so much. That's nice of you."

We got off at the lobby and walked across to the restaurant. We met a group of people outside the restaurant and introductions were made. As Margaret was making the introductions, I looked into the restaurant and saw Zack sitting with a group of people. He looked at me and waved, I waved back.

We had breakfast with our respective groups and after we finished I was standing out in the lobby. Zack came up and gave me a slight hug.

He smiled at me and said, "You look wonderful and I know that you will knock them dead."

I put my forehead against his chest and in a low voice said, "Zack, I am so nervous. Margaret was talking about some of the people here and it's like a Who's Who of the Math Field. I will be talking to some of the greats."

He laughed, "Well as far as I am concerned, you are the greatest of them all. And I am sure that you are prepared and hell, you know this stuff."

I stood back and said, "Do you think that you could sit in?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Margaret came over to us and told me that they were waiting for me and that she would be with me in a moment.

As I walked away with her assistant, Joan, I heard Zack ask, "Do you think that it would be a problem if I sat in..."

"Of course not. Please find yourself a seat and enjoy," Margaret answered.

Joan took me to the front of the conference hall and we waited until Margaret came. Then Margaret and I walked out and after welcoming everyone to the conference, she turned and said, "Now with the utmost pleasure I want to introduce Dr. Carol Williams, OSB. I am sure that you are all familiar with her work and will give her a warm welcome."

There was some applause as I approached the podium. I looked out into the audience and spied Zack sitting in the back of the hall. He was smiling at me. All of a sudden, I felt very comfortable out here.

I placed my note card on the top and started to speak. I don't use a lot of notes and I never read a speech. I write words on a card. The words let me know what a want to cover.

My father, who had been a trial attorney, told me that, people can always tell when you are reading something. It sounds stiff. You know what you want to say, just have the card to make sure that you cover everything and keep a sequence to your talk.

Once I started to talk and got over the initial case of nerves and it seemed to be going very smoothly. I was about half way through when a woman stood up and said, in a rather excited voice, "Do you mean...?"

She almost had it but not quite and I answered, "You're close but what I was saying is ..."

The woman gave a bit of a shriek and said, "Oh God, I see what you mean, you made it so clear..."

She then looked around and it was like she discovered where she was and in an embarrassed voice said, "Oh I'm so sorry, I just get so carried away sometimes, that I can't help myself."

I laughed and told her, "Don't worry, I know what you mean, I get the same way."

I then continued. I did glance over at Zack and saw that he was laughing and shaking his head. Once again, I felt good and comfortable.

I finished to a round of applause and then spent about a half an hour answering questions. Finally, there was some more polite applause and the hall began to empty. Margaret came over to me and thanked me saying that she couldn't have picked a better speaker to start the conference with,

As I came off the stage, Zack was waiting for me. He came over to me and gave me a slight hug, saying, "You were wonderful, everyone loved you. Let me tell you, I wouldn't want to be the guy who follows you. You set the bar so high that he is going to have to be an Olympic high jumper to even reach it."

I laughed and shook my head. "Zack, you are absolutely crazy."

He smiled and said, "You're right," and looking into my eyes "I'm crazy about you." This was the first time he said that to me and after all these years, I am still not tired of hearing it.

But, at the time I just laughed and said, "What am I going to do with you?"

He was still smiling and answered, "Love me?"

And for the first time in my life, my mouth beat my brain and I said, "Zack, do you really have to ask that?"

Then as I looked into his eyes, I realized that I would have said that no matter what. I think that I was falling in love with him.

He grabbed my hand and said, "Let's get some lunch."

We walked out of the hotel hand in hand and found a small diner with a salad bar. We ate light. I wasn't hungry, coming down from my adrenalin high and he was getting nervous about his talk.

I told him that he would be great, that he knew everything and it was something that he loved. "Don't worry, you will be great." I realized that I was doing what he had been doing for me, before I spoke. Once again I felt a warmth flow through my body. I really felt good.

We sat and talked and when it was time we went back to the hotel. As we walked into the lobby, the director of the symposium approached us and said, "Mr. Miller, I think that we should get ready."

Zack turned to me and said, "I'll see you soon?"

"Of course," I said. I wanted to add "My love," But I just couldn't."

As Zack walked off with the director, his assistant asked me, "Would you like to sit in?"

I smiled my best and said, "Absolutely, I would love it."