Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 01

I was in the hall when Zack walked out and was introduced. "I would like to introduce Mr. Zachary Miller the developer of the Marston keel."

Zack stood there looking as confident as ever. His was alive. He was in his element. He knew exactly what he was doing. He scanned the room and when his eyes met mine he smiled. It seemed that he looked into my soul. That he could see the love that I had for him. All of my secrets were open to him.

He started to talk, explaining exactly how he and Mark had developed the keel and what they were looking for and what they were trying to do. It seems that they were trying to do something else and this came as a notion out of the blue.

He was informative, without being boring and long winded, he made fun of himself and kept the talk light. After he finished, he spent another half hour answering questions. It seemed to everyone's satisfaction.

I sat back in my seat and enjoyed. My student...no, not a student any longer, he was the teacher and I felt something inside that I had never felt before. A certain pride, happiness for him, joy in seeing Zack excelling. I don't know. Could it be love, was I falling in love with him?

Whatever, I felt wonderful. I sat and watched the other engineers gather around him as he came down off the stage. Zack talked and joked with them, making then laugh. As I watched, one young very attractive, woman was standing and talking to Zack, she put her hand on his arm as she talked.

I felt a prick of jealousy, she was being a bit forward with him and I didn't like it. But, Zack in a very casual way sort of side stepped and broke the contact. After a few moments they all left.

I got up and walked toward him. We were alone in the hall. He smiled at me and held his arms out saying, "Well teach, did I do okay?"

I went over and hugged him and he hugged me back. I looked into his eyes and moved closer. I lifted my face to his and our lips met. Softly at first, but then our arms tightened and our lips crushed together.

Then a door slammed shut and we jumped apart. Zack looked and me and gave a little laugh. I felt a little funny but just smiled. He took my hand and we walked out of the hall and then out of the hotel.

I just wanted to spend some time away from the conference and Mathematics. I wanted time to unwind, having been so wound up from the talk. I needed time to relax and I couldn't think of anyone I would rather be with.

We walked a few blocks and found a small park. We sat on one of the benches and just talked. Zack told me of his time in the Army and how he met Terry, Bobby, Rachel and Miriam. He told me about his training, the tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. And a very sanitized version of loosing his knee. He made light what I am sure was a grueling time in training to be a Ranger and I am sure that I could never imagine what combat is like.

Zack could find humor and even see beauty in even the worse situations. I could see what the others saw in him. How they could love him so much.

We got up and walked, ending up at Busch Stadium, and we found that the Cardinals were playing the Reds. I grew up in Cincinnati and my Father and Mother were avid Red's fans. I have been going to baseball games since I was an infant.

Zack insisted that we get tickets for that night's game. I was thrilled. I hadn't been to a major league baseball game in ages. We went to dinner at a small, lovely Italian restaurant and had a wonderful meal.

I think that the food was good, I really don't remember. I was just enjoying my time with Zack. After dinner we walked to the stadium and got our seats. We were right along the third base line.

Just before the seventh inning stretch, Ken Griffey, Jr. hit a long ball right along the third base line and into the stands. Zack leapt and grabbed the ball with his bare hand. The crowd around us went wild. Zack held the ball up and then gave it to me.

Just like that, he gave it to me and said, "Let's see if we can get him to sign it for you."

I looked at him I surprise and said, "Zack, this it your ball. You caught it, you should keep it."

He laughed, "What would an Oriel's fan want with a homerun ball hit by a Cincinnati Red's player?"

Needless to say, I was thrilled and I threw my arms around him and hugged him. The game had continued by this time and I don't think that the TV cameras caught the hug, not that I cared or even thought about it.

After the game, I think that the Red's won, I really don't remember, we went to the players exit and were able to see Ken Griffey coming out of the park, he was with his wife. Zack and I approached and Zack said, "Excuse, me Mr. Griffey, would you sign this ball. It was the one that you hit out this evening and this lovely lady is a big fan."

Johnny smiled and said, "You're not a fan?"

Zack gave a sort of broken smile and said, "I'm from Baltimore."

Ken's wife laughed and said, "So am I...but I am a die hard Red's fan. And always will be."

I said, "I can understand why."

He said, "Anything for a fan. Especially one who won't change her loyalties for the one she loves." He signed the ball and gave it to me.

His wife smiled, "I was always a Red's fan, my mother was from Cincinnati. That's why I married him."

We all laughed and they got into the waiting limo and left. Zack and I walked back to the hotel hand in hand. The ball was in my pocket, I kept my hand on it all the way back.

When we got to the Hotel we went straight to the elevators. It was crowed, there were a lot of the people from the convention and the symposium going back to their rooms. A lot of them had been partying.

We were crammed into the elevator, I was standing very close to Zack and I put my arms around him and rested my head on his chest.

When we got to the seventh floor, Zack had to almost force his way out of the elevator. As he did one of the men grabbed his ass and gave it squeeze. Zack jumped and a number of people laughed.

When we got off and the doors closed, he took me in his arms. I put my arms around him and lifted my face to his. Our lips met and in a second were pressed against each other.

I felt his tongue slide across my lips and I opened my mouth gave it access. I welcomed his tongue into my mouth, I met it with mine and they caressed. It felt so wonderful and so right.

Then one of the other elevator bells rang and we jolted apart. The doors opened and Margaret walked out. Her eyes grew when she saw me. "Oh, Sister Carol, I was looking for you. I have a huge favor to ask."

I gave her a questioning look and said, "A favor? Please tell me, what can I do for you?"

"Professor Morrison had to be taken to the hospital this evening and I doubt if he will be out before Thursday, when he is scheduled to give a talk. We were thinking of having a panel discussion and we would like you to be one of the panelists."

"Of course, I would be honored to be on the panel," I answered. "I had looked forward to hearing him talk and I actually had some questions. I read his paper and I'm not sure about how he came to certain points. That's too bad."

Margaret gushed, "Oh Carol, thank you so much, I was in a tizzy not knowing what to do. We couldn't have an empty hour. And now thanks to you and the other panelists we won't."

I turned to Zack, he was smiling and he said, "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Carol."

Margaret turned and started to walk to her room and was talking about all of the problems that they were having. I started after her and then turned and once again looked back at Zack. He was still smiling and he mouthed, "I love you."

Margaret then turned toward the elevators and said, "Oh please forgive me, Mr. Miller. Where are my manners, how are you? I heard that your presentation was a huge success. Congratulations, I have a feeling that you will be busy too."

She continued to walk to her room going back to our pervious conversation. I looked back and watched Zack get on the elevator. I had a feeling of loss as he went in.

Margaret walked me to my door. She stopped and looked at me very seriously and said, "Mr. Miller is a very handsome young man."

I was taken aback by her statement, but quickly recovered and said, "Yes he is and he is a wonderful person. I have known him a long time. I was his homeroom teacher in his senior year of high school."

She gave me a warm smile, "But, he isn't your student any more. He is a very good looking man. And I think that he still has a crush on his teacher."

I could feel the blood rushing to my face and I stammered, "Yes he is...he has grown up..."

She was still smiling and she said, "You two make a very good looking couple. I think that you had better give this a lot of thought about what will make you happy. Please, don't do anything without giving it a lot of thought."

She then took my hands in hers and in a very soft voice, said, "Carol, I will pray for you tonight, I will pray that you make the right decision and whatever you do that you will be happy."

Margaret gave me a big grin and sort of giggled, "Yes, my dear Sister, Jews can pray for Catholics." She leaned over to me and kissed my cheek and went on, "I could never understand the Catholic fixation on celibacy. It seems like such a waste. Now I don't want to get into a theological debate, just know that I hope the best for you."

"I just think that you should be happy and if being with Zack will make you happy...what the heck. Now, I have said enough...probably too much, so goodnight."

I smiled at her and said, "Thank you Margaret, for your concern and your prayers."

As she walked away I turned and went into my room. I sat on the bed and tried to make sense of it all. Did I love Zack? Was I willing to make a commitment and give up my life and start a new one.

He hasn't asked me to. Could this be just a fling for him, just a lark? I didn't think so. But what about me? Sure it felt wonderful to have this sweet, delightful young man admire me. Was I leading him on? Was I being fair to him, making him think that I was in love with him?

I got on my knees and prayed. I asked God for guidance. But I knew that all the guidance that I needed was in the vows that I took when I became a nun. What I had to do was make up my mind as to what I wanted to do.

Did I want to spend the rest of my life in the Benedictine Order, teaching and living according to their rules? The rules and life that I had chosen and the life that I loved, or did I want to spend the rest of my life with Zack, as a wife and possibly a mother? I truly didn't know.

I continued to think about this and prayed, as I got ready for bed. I got into bed and I began to cry. Never before had I felt so conflicted. I was always so sure about what I wanted and how I would spend my life. Now???

I slept fitfully and woke up feeling very tired. But I got up and showered, it woke me up and I was feeling much better as I dressed and left the room. Again, I went to St. Sebastian's for mass and I prayed.

I knew what I should do. But, I had to make up my mind. Did I want Zack or the Order. I really wasn't sure. Then it hit me, once again I thought, was I reading too much into Zack's actions toward me. I didn't think so, but I really didn't know.

After the service was finished and I was leaving the church, I stopped to speak to the parish priest. He was a jovial older man who gave me a wonderful welcome, even before I told him that I was a nun. We spoke about St. Louis and he told me that I couldn't go back to New Mexico without visiting the Arch. "It's truly a marvel and the view is to die for."

I went back to the hotel and saw Zack sitting with some of the symposium officials. They were having breakfast. They looked like they wanted something from Zack, as they were looking a bit stressed and watched Zack with hope.

I met Margaret and we had breakfast. We talked about the conference, the symposium and how they just seemed to coincide. It seems that a lot of math teachers and professors and engineers were married or had significant others attending one or the other. It was so much easier to have the two groups together. This way both could go and it saved money for the attendees.

After we finished breakfast, again Margaret paid, I went and sat in the lobby. I was only there for a few minutes, when Zack came over. I immediately got up and we walked out of the hotel.

It was a warm day and we walked to the small park a few blocks away. We found a bench and sat. Zack took my hands in his and kissed my fingertips. He was making it look like he was tasting them, smacking his lips and saying "delicious."

He then sat back and smiled at me. I leaned over to him, put my hands on the side of his face, pulled him to me and softly kissed him. We held the kiss for a long time, it was soft and loving.

He moved close to me and we talked. He told me that he was asked to do a question and answer session. He had set it up for Thursday, when I was having the panel discussion. I was sorry that I wouldn't be able to see him, but we would both be busy at the same time.

I mentioned that I wanted to see the Arch, so we walked there. Zack insisted that we ride to the top and see the sights. He had his camera with him and of course it was a digital. "It can take thousands of pictures and you will have to look at them all," he laughed.

As it was a Tuesday afternoon there was no one there. We were the only people in the elevator and there was only one other couple in the room at the top. We looked out the observation windows, with Zack taking pictures.

The views were fantastic, looking over the city and the Mississippi River. Zack really got excited when an old paddle wheel ship came by.

He set the camera on a ledge and put it on the timer and he came over to me and put his arm around me as the camera flashed. He set it up again and when he came over to me I grabbed him and mashed my lips against his. The camera flashed and I giggled, "See if it came out okay. If not we can keep trying until we get it right.

Zack didn't even look at the picture, he just set the timer again and said, "It's no good, we have to try again."

We had to repeat the shot about ten times, when we finally got it right. Well, it was sort of decided for us, as an elevator of people came up and about a hundred kids got out. We took the next elevator down.

We walked back to the hotel hand in hand. I wanted to attend some talks in the afternoon, as did Zack, so after lunch we went to our respective talks.

Two of the three talks were great the other not so. But I did enjoy all of them and was glad for the time I spent there.

I met Zack at four o'clock. We went to our rooms and changed. I wanted to be in something a bit fancy, for dinner. We were going to go to dinner at a restaurant that Margaret recommended. When we arrived we met the director of the symposium.

He was elated to see Zack and made a big thing of telling me how Zack saved his hide by agreeing to do the Question/Answer session on Thursday. We had a very enjoyable dinner. They wanted us to join them at a party they were going to, but I looked at Zack and I knew that he wanted to be with me, not going to a party. He wanted to be with me alone. This is what I also wanted.

We left them and we walked, hand in hand all over downtown St. Louis. I felt so comfortable being with Zack. I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with him. That is...if he really wanted me.

We walked until around eleven o'clock and then returned to the hotel. We got into an extremely crowded elevator. When we got to the seventh floor, Zack forced his way out with me in his wake. We got onto the floor and we walked down the hall to my room.

When we got to my room we stopped. Zack took me in his arms and held me close. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me and kissed him. I forced my tongue into his mouth and he opened his mouth and sucked it. He caressed my tongue with his and loved it.

After a lifetime our kiss broke. I looked into his eyes and made a decision. I wanted Zack, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I never wanted to be without him. I wanted Zack and I wanted him forever.

He was kissing my cheek, my jaw and my neck. I held him tight and in a soft voice said, "Zack, please stay with me...I need you tonight."

He looked deep into my eyes and said, "Yes, my love, I'll stay with you forever...if that's what you want."

I didn't say anything, but I knew in my heart that this was want I wanted. To have him forever, to have him as mine and to be his. I turned and put the key card in the door and I turned the knob. I swung the door open and taking his hand in mine, walked in.

I didn't turn on the light. The moonlight and the lights from the city gave the room a golden glow. Zack quietly closed the door. I turned toward him and he came into my arms. I held him tight and he kissed me, open-mouthed with our tongues snaking in and out, sliding against each other...loving.

I felt his erect penis pressing into me and it excited me. I began to undo the buttons on his shirt. I felt his hands slide all over my back and down to my rear. He softly caressed my ass and then pulled the zipper of my skirt down.

He pushed the skirt over my hips and it fell to the ground. I slipped his shirt off his shoulders. I was kissing his neck and shoulder as I ran my hands over his muscular chest. It was so hard and smooth beneath his t-shirt and I felt a growing excitement in my body.

Never before had I allowed this feeling of sexual excitement to go unabated. In the past when I started to experience such feelings, I would suppress them or engage in some activity to get my mind off of it.

But now I was reveling in the excitement, allowing these feelings to grow and flourish. And they did as Zack slowly undressed me. He was so slow and gentle as he removed my blouse and kissed my shoulders.

He unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and they fell to the floor. I took the bottom of his t-shirt and pulled it up and over his head, it joined the other clothes on the floor. In the dark I noticed a flash of silver and saw the silly charm, the glasses that I have given him after his graduation ceremony.

I put my hand on it and said, "Zack, you still have this?"

He smiled at me and said, "It hasn't been off of me since I put it on the day you gave it to me. I will never take it off. I will take to my grave."

I grabbed him in my arms and put my head against his chest. He held me tightly. "Oh Zack, I love you so much. I love you."

Never before in my life had I felt so much love for someone, nor had I ever felt so loved by anyone. I knew in my heart that I would love Zachary Miller forever.

I looked up into his eyes and he lowered his face and our lips met. He kissed me, soft and lovingly. I felt a warmth like nothing I ever felt before flow through my body. I was so sure...so sure about everything. I knew in my heart that I was and would be happy.

I back stepped to the edge of the bed holding his hands, pulling him with me. When I got to the bed, I sat and then lay back on it. He just stood there looking at me. He was breathing deeply and just looking at me.

I held my arms out to him. In a soft voice, I said, "Zack?"

He came to me, in what seemed like slow motion. Everything seemed to move so slowly. Nothing was rushed. He came into my arms and I wrapped them around him. We kissed forever, holding our bodies together, pressing against the other.

I had never before been so close to anyone. I was practically naked, with an almost naked man in my arms and it felt so right. I wasn't with just any man, I was with Zack, I was with the man I loved and the man who loved me. It was right.

When our lips parted, Zack continued to kiss my cheek, moving to my jaw and to my neck. He kissed me slowly and softly, like he was tasting me, savoring and relishing a delicious morsel.