Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 03

I smiled and said, "It's okay, Alice, she knows."

"Oh, okay, you can stay if you want, all I'm going to do is give her a pre-natal exam." It's really nothing."

Rose looked at me, I knew that she didn't want to go; I smiled and said, "Please stay Rose."

Rose broke out into a huge grin and said, "Okay, if you want me here."

Alice examined me and said that everything was okay and that the baby seemed fine. She told me that I must be examined now every month and take care about what I eat and drink, that I must have enough sleep but don't just sit on my keester and get fat.

"You have to remember, you are doing everything for two. Not only are you eating for two, but you are drinking for two, exercising for two, sleeping for two and keeping stress free for two. Now is the time that you must start to take care of your baby. Remember, No Fasting. You must eat, not that I want you to over do it, but you must eat and eat smart."

She gave a small laugh and said, "Take care of yourself, Carol. Pray and give it a lot of thought. I must say this, you are the last person on earth that I ever expected to be treating like this." She gave me a hug and left.

Rose stayed until the last minute, and at exactly four thirty, she gave me a big hug and with tears in her eyes, said, "Good bye...no, so long Carol. I will see you, soon I hope." She then went out and quietly closed the door.

The next day, I went to our convent in Cincinnati, I was accompanied by another older Sister. Sort of locking the barn after the horse has been stolen. Although the only person who was told of my condition was the Mother Superior, it didn't take the rest of the nuns much to figure out what was wrong. I had thought that I was lucky, no morning sickness. But, after arriving in Cincinnati it came on with a vengeance.

After a day or two, no one asked if I was okay. They would tell me that it would pass and soon everything would be okay. Not much of a secret, huh?

I spent my days in prayer, contemplation and meditation. About a week after arriving at the convent in Cincinnati, my mother was contacted and arranged for her to visit.

She had a worried look on her face when she came into my room. "Carol, what is wrong? Why are you here and what is going on?"

I sort of smiled and said, "I'm going to leave the Order and..."

I but my face in my hands and started to cry. My mother came to me and held me. She wiped my tears and spoke to me in that soft mother voice that I remembered so well.

I told her about Zack and how I loved him. I also told her what I was doing and that I was cloistered and wouldn't be in contact with her until after the Tribunal.

She asked, "Are you going to leave for him?"

I nodded yes.

She hugged me tight and in almost a whisper, said, "Oh my love, my sweet daughter, you know that although your father and I supported your decision to become a nun and we were happy that you we happy. I have to say, that I had always wanted to see you happily married and...I know that this is selfish but I have always wanted grandchildren. But I guess that's sort of jumping the gun."

I looked at her kind of sheepishly and smiled, "Well not really."

Mom's eyes got huge and then she smiled, "Really, oh my god. To think after giving all of those girls advise about abstinence and protection..." and then she laughed, "Well I guess that I will get my wish quicker that I expected."

Leave it to my mother to say what everyone else wanted to say but didn't.

"Tell me, is the father, I mean, is Zachary happy?"

My face went serious and in a whisper, said, "He doesn't know yet. The day I learned that I was pregnant, I promised to take the retreat and become cloistered. You are the only person outside of the Order that I have talked to. I have another three weeks before the Tribunal."

"So then he doesn't know anything. He has no idea what is going on. Carol how can you do that to him?"

I had tears in my eyes, I said, "I know, Mom. I really didn't realize it when I started, but I will now keep my silence for another three weeks. I have given my word. I have already broken enough vows."

"Well, give me his number, I can call him and tell him what is going on, the poor man."

"Mother!" I almost shouted, "I can't do that, you know that I can't."

Mom started to laugh, "Having lived with a lawyer for over thirty years, I guess that I still always look for a loophole."

She hugged me. "Well I know that there are a lot of people praying for you, so I will pray for poor Zachary...and I will throw a prayer or two in for you."

It was time for her to go. I held her for a long time, Mom could always make things better and she had. I was sad to see her go.

Now my life returned to the routine I had. Mass in the morning, followed by breakfast, prayer, meditation, working in the garden, then lunch more prayer and meditation. Usually talking to my confessor, Father Martin (call me Marty), then dinner, the community prayer, the rosary and then to bed to start all over in the morning.

I was in Cincinnati about two weeks when Father Marty was called away on a family matter. He was replaced by Monsignor Curran. He was a loud older man. He insisted that I receive reconciliation.

As I started the rite, he interrupted and began to question me about leaving the Order and why I wanted to go. He went ballistic when I told him that I was pregnant. He called me a harlot, a godless sinner and many other derogatory names.

He laughed when I told him that the father wanted to marry me. "He wanted you, when you were his eager slut, but do you really think that he is going to want a fat pregnant cow. You my foolish young lady have a lot to learn. When you tell him that you are pregnant, he is going to run for the hills. You will end up a homeless whore with a bastard child."

He was incensed when I argued, who was I to argue with him. He was a Monsignor and I was just a dumb nun and a pregnant nun at that.

He refused to give me absolution as by arguing with him, I showed a lack of remorse. I didn't mention that I had already been absolved of those sins.

As I walked out of the chapel, the Mother Superior grabbed me and dragged me into her office. She was visibly upset. "My dear Carol, I have to apologize. Had I known that he was going to be here today, I would have never let you go into the chapel. The Monsignor is a bit set in his ways and can be rather opinionated. He isn't always correct in his theological ideas, not only is he is full of himself but he is completely tactless."

"Don't worry you will not be talking with him again, Father Martin will be back tomorrow and he is, how shall I put it, more tactful."

"Thank you, Mother," was all I said.

I returned to my cell and cried. He had upset me more than I thought. He had verbalized things that, I am sorry to say, I thought of. What if Zack didn't want a baby? What if he gets upset when I tell him that I'm pregnant?

In my heart I knew that I had nothing to worry about, but I couldn't stop the doubts from sneaking in. The rest of my time in Cincinnati went from elation at being able to see Zack soon to the hell of doubt. Of wondering if he would still want me. Me a fat pregnant cow.

On a Friday morning in early August, I was sent to the Mother House in Baltimore. I would go before the Tribunal on Sunday morning. The Tribunal was a hold over from the early days of the Order. In the past it would be like a trial and the Tribunal members would decide whether the nun on trial would stay or be banished.

Today, it was the nun who more or less made the decision. If she showed up in the full habit it meant that she wanted to stay, and the members would decide if she could. But if she showed up in civilian clothes she wanted to leave. There was no question in my mind about the clothes that I would wear.

As sure as I was about what I wanted, I still had those doubts that the Monsignor had brought to the surface. It seemed that I was in a sort of depression. I had my clothes ready, but I had no plans. I didn't make any calls, I didn't make any arrangements as to where I was going to go. I did nothing. I just couldn't get started.

On Saturday, Rose showed up. She would stand with me. In the past she would have been my defender, but now she was my support. She would be there with me.

I spent the morning with Rose and we talked. She never asked my plans or even if I had any. She later told me that she thought as usual, I had everything under control. She couldn't have more wrong.

That afternoon, Rose accompanied Miriam to a Mall in downtown Baltimore, as I was technically still cloistered, I stayed at the Mother House. Miriam had not been kind to me. She sort of reminded me of the Monsignor. But, I said nothing.

When they returned, Rose was a bit giddy. Not that this was unusual, Rose could get like that at any time. She did clam down after a while and we sat and after dinner and the rosary, we had tea and went to bed.

On Sunday I was up long before the sun. I dressed in my street clothes, a light blue silk blouse, that my Mother had given me, a navy blue skirt and a pair of pumps. I had my suitcase and backpack filled and ready.

I went to mass and received the Eucharist with Rose. Father Joe was visiting family in Baltimore and had come to see me, he had said mass. Afterwards, we talked and he could see by what I was wearing that I had made my decision. He smiled when I said, "Father, if things work out, will you officiate at my wedding?"

"Of course I will I would be privileged. But, what do you mean, 'If things work out.'"

I started to cry and told them of my doubts. "What brought this on?" he asked.

I told him of my experience with the Monsignor. He sighed and said, "Sometimes we loose sight of who we are dealing with and what we are here to do. Please forgive him and forget what he said."

Rose looked at me and hugged me, "Don't worry my dear, don't worry. Everything will be okay."

At about ten to eight Rose and I got up and started for the boardroom. Father Joe blessed us and said that he would keep in touch. As we walked through the halls, Sr. Miriam walked up to me.

I didn't know what to expect. She said in a quiet voice, "Carol, I need you to forgive me. I have been very uncharitable to you. I have said things about you that were unkind. I am old and somewhat set in my ways and a lot of times I talk before I consider what my words might do. Please forgive this old foolish nun."

There were tears in her eyes. I took her in my arms and said, "Of course I forgive you. I only hope that when I am your age that I am as loving as you."

She gave me a small smile and said, "Either you are a dummy or a real good liar, but I will believe you...dummy."

As she walked away, Rose whispered, "Miriam is Miriam, she will never change."

"Yes I know, but I also believe that she was sincere about being sorry," I answered.

Rose added, "So do I."

We stood before the big double door of the boardroom and waited. Finally, Sister Harriet came and opened the doors. I had taught with her at St Steven's. She smiled at me and said "Sister Carol Williams, so you have your defender with you."

"Yes Sister, Sister Rose Quinten is here with me," I answered.

"Then with your defender, come before the Tribunal."

We walked into the room and stood before a great table. There were seven Sisters sitting opposite us. The Mother Provincial was in the center. She gave me a sad smile and said, "Carol, I see that you have made your decision. I can't say that I am surprised. I want to wish you good luck and God's blessings on you and your family."

"Please know that if you had wished to stay we would have welcomed you."

All the other Sisters at the table nodded at that. Then they all got up and said their goodbyes. Then the Mother Provincial and Rose walked me to the door, opened it and we all walked out of the building.

As we walked out Rose seemed to be distracted. I didn't pay it much mind. The Mother Provincial smiled at me and said, "God bless you and keep you safe, my daughter." Then we hugged.

I turned to Rose and we hugged for a long time. Now that I was going out the door the reality of my situation hit me. I was leaving the place and the people that I had been living with for a very large part of my life. A life I freely chose, a life that I loved.

I also realized that I didn't have any plans, other than a vague idea that I would call Zack. I became afraid and I hugged Rose tightly.

Mother Provincial asked, "Do you have a cab or someone coming for you?"

Before I could answer, Rose interjected, "It's all been arranged."

I had no idea what she was talking about. But it was like I didn't care. I smiled and when they went back into the building and closed the door, I turned and started to walk. To where? I had no idea.

I was given some money and a pre-paid cell phone. I thought that I would call a cab and go into town. But, all I did was walk toward the street.

It seemed like I was in a fog and couldn't find my way out. I saw someone or something in front of me, but really didn't look. Then I heard someone in the fog say, "Need a lift?"

I looked and the fog seemed to fade. I saw a young man, a handsome young man, the most beautiful man in the world standing in front of me. He was smiling at me. My Zachary was here. For a moment I thought that I was dreaming. But no, he was here. All I could do was say, "Yea, I could use a lift."

He came over to me and took my suitcase and backpack and took my hand in his and we walked to his car. He opened the door and I got in. He put the bags in the trunk and he got in. Once again he took my hands in his and said, "Maybe we should go to my place. I have a two bedroom apartment in a huge building."

"That sounds good...it's the best offer I had all day."

He started the car, put it in gear and drove off. I sat there in silence and looked out of the window. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't even think. All I did was look at the passing buildings and streets. I had driven this route hundreds of times. This was the route that I would take to St. Steven's.

Then I started to talk, no thinking, my mouth just moved and sounds came out. It was like someone else was talking and I was eavesdropping. "I really appreciate this, I don't know why, but it's like I'm mired in a swamp. I just can't get moving."

I went on, "Look, this will be just for a while, just until I can get on my feet, get a job and a place of my own," I wanted to take him in my arms, hold him and kiss him.

Zack didn't say anything, he just looked over at me and smiled as he drove. I closed my eyes and sort of melted into the car seat. I felt tired, worn out and it was only eight thirty in the morning.

The trip took about a little over a half an hour. We drove into the garage that was under the building. We got out and Zack got my bags. We took the elevator up to the twentieth floor and got out. His apartment was at the end of the hall. When we went in I was really surprised. It was large, open and bright.

There was a large picture window that overlooked the city onto the water. It was a view to die for. The furniture was conservative and tasteful. As I looked around I realized that this was what I would have expected from Zack's apartment.

I stood there looking out of the window. Not thinking, not feeling, just looking but not seeing. I have no idea how long I stood there, but then Zack said, "Carol? Is everything okay? Would you like some tea?"

I turned and looked at him. He was standing there with two mugs of tea. I smiled at my love and took a mug. We sat on the couch and I sipped my tea. It was herbal. I smiled in surprise and said, "You drink herbal tea, since when?"

"I figured that I should start drinking it, as you shouldn't be having caffeine, should you?" then he added, "Did you have breakfast this morning?"

I realized that I hadn't and that I was starving. "Ah, as a matter of fact, I haven't and I could eat a horse."

He laughed and said, "Well I don't have any horse meat but I make a wicked plate of eggs and bacon...would you like some wheat toast with that?"

I couldn't believe this, he as treating me like a queen, but I was exhausted and I just wanted to relax. "That will be fine..."

What was wrong with me, it was like we were meeting for the first time again. I felt so self-conscious, I wanted to run into his arms, hold him and kiss him, but there was something stopping me.

Was it because I was pregnant? Was I still having doubts? Was I worried that he would be up set about the baby?

I was afraid that I was going to lose him. I had allowed those doubts to grow and fester in my heart.

I steeled myself and as I was going to get up and go into the kitchen and just blurt it out. I opened my eyes and Zack was standing in front of me. I looked up. There were tears in his eyes. He fell to his knees and took my hands in his.

In as low soft voice he "I'm so sorry, Carol. I didn't think. It never entered my mind. Can you ever forgive me? I know that you are upset with me, that I was so reckless and all. Please don't hate me, I couldn't live if you didn't love me."

He went on, "My love, the both of you are everything in the world to me. I just want us to be together and happy."

I took his face in my hands and lifted it. I leaned into him and kissed his lips. It was a quiet kiss no passion or lust, just filled with all the love in my soul. I held his face and kissed him forever.

When we parted I pulled him close. I said, "Zack, I have something to tell you. Please don't be angry with me..." I couldn't finish as I began to cry, deep soul wrenching sobs. I was afraid, so afraid...I didn't know how to tell my love that we were going to be parents.

I sobbed, "I love you Zack, I love you so much and I need you so badly. Please, say that you love me and that you will always love me, no matter what."

Again I was overtaken by a wave of worry and doubt and I cried. He held me into his body, holding me tight and in almost a whisper he said, "Carol, you are my everything, I will love you for all eternity. You are my all and when the baby is born I will love him...her...whatever, with everything in me."

It took a moment to digest what I just heard, did he say...?

I pulled back and said, "What did you say, Zack?"

He looked at me with a question on his face. "I said that I will love you and our child for eternity. You two mean more to me than life itself. I'm just afraid that you are angry with me for not thinking about this in St. Louis. I'm just afraid that you are angry that I got you pregnant."

I was in shock, Zack knows. He knows about the baby. He knows and he is happy, he loves me and our child. He is afraid that I am angry with him. Oh God, my Mother must have called...

All of the doubts and tension just faded like the morning mist. I was happy, happier than I have ever been in my life.

I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. I kissed him all over his face, telling him over and over again, "I love you...I love you."

I was crying, but now I was weeping tears of joy. Knowing that all my fears were for nothing. How could I have ever doubted. I knew in my heart that he would love me come whatever. How could I have ever doubted him?

At first Zack didn't know exactly what was going on with me. Then he looked at me and said, "Carol, were you afraid that I wouldn't want you because you were pregnant?"

I looked at the floor and nodded yes.

He laughed and said, "Well it did come as a bit of a shock, when Sr. Miriam told me yesterday..."

"Sr. Miriam? Miriam told you? Not my Mother?"

"Your Mother? No, I ran into the Fossil and another young nun at the mall yesterday. Wow, the Fossil was going on and on about you. I can't really tell you what she said, at least after she said pregnant. In fact I can't really tell you much about yesterday...well after she said pregnant."