Off The Wall

that's what Jan is all about.

STEPHANIE

Very impressive. Can you figure out what's the problem with my iPad? I
was trying to download the Voice Recognition app and got a message that
the software hadn't been loaded correctly. The girls thought that it
would be a good "nerd test".

BOB

Who are the girls?

20.

STEPHANIE

They're good friends that get together at my house which I named, "the
Compound." We met yesterday and they were interested in your profile.

JAN (O.C.)

What are their names?

BOB

Jan, aren't you supposed to be sleeping?

STEPHANIE

That's OK... First there's Georgia who loves to party and then there's
Sandra who is good with numbers and the most romantic is Dee Dee.

STEPHANIE turns toward Bob.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)

As I was saying, I loaded the Voice Recognition yesterday and it doesn't
work. So, if you don't mind...

BOB

Pressure... Oh, the pressure. Let me check your thingy first and then
I'll check the gazinta.

STEPHANIE

Oh, I just love your tech talk!

Bob examines the iPad and checks the installation log.

BOB

The app was installed correctly but there's no password. Here. Bring it
up and when you say your user name just say, "Password" and then say
your password twice.

STEPHANIE

Okay, here goes. "Einstein, Password, chianti, chianti". How's that?

EINSTEIN (O.C.)

Good afternoon, Stephanie. You have twenty three unread Emails.

21.

STEPHANIE

Oh, Bob! That's fantastic! It talks.

BOB

And you can tell it what to do. But, we need to add the AI app with the
learning module. If you don't mind, I'll let Jan do that but, you are
going to have to introduce them. There's no need to introduce you to
Jan. She sampled your voice when you called in and got the caller id
too. Let me wake her up.

JAN (O.C.)

You needn't bother. I'm awake! AND listening!

BOB

Stephanie, tell Einstein that Jan is your "Super-friend" and add your
password.. Ah, like this: "Einstein, Super-friend, Jan, chianti".

STEPHANIE

Einstein.. Super-friend.. Jan.. chianti.

EINSTEIN (O.C.)

Hello, Jan.

JAN (O.C.)

Hello, Einstein.

BOB

There. All set. Jan will set up your iPad with the AI modules.

STEPHANIE

Won't that take up a lot of room on my machine?

BOB

The modules are stored on my system. There's only formats and hooks on
your iPad -- less than 180k. So, did I pass the nerd test?

STEPHANIE

With flying colors.

22.

BOB

Can you tell me what the Compound girls found so interesting about my
profile?

STEPHANIE

Our biggest concern was how can a nerd be socially adept in fixing
relationships. And, of course, did you really mean it when you said that
you guarantee your results?

BOB

Absolutely! I can show you how to mend your broken heart so you will
never cry over him again. I'm what they call a "Handyman." The process
consists of three sessions one week apart and each session takes about
two hours although I should warn you that the sessions may be longer
depending on how relaxed and happy you become.

STEPHANIE

Three weeks? My breakup was over a year and a half ago. I don't believe
you can make me forget all that pain...

BOB

I can make you forget! And, without booze and without drugs!

STEPHANIE

Well, sign me up! I've got all night. But, tell me, how do you do it?
Watching movies? Sex? I hope you don't think that sex will change my
life! I've been called the original ice princess! Just know that I've
never, NEVER, had a multiple climax! So, come on, Bob, prove it to me
that you can mend a broken heart! Now, don't get me wrong, I want you to
fix me. I just don't think you can. After all, you're old enough to be
my father! So tell me what's your secret?

Bob changes the volume and pitch of his voice to a quiet, whisper.

23.

BOB

Very simply, the first step is massage. I'll give you a terry cloth bath
robe to wear so we can concentrate on you instead of me. I'll explain
what is happening as we proceed. So let's go into the bed room where you
can disrobe.

Bob^1 leads Stephanie into the master bedroom.
INT. - RUSTIC MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTSLATER^1

Stephanie^1 stands looking at the ceiling while Bob opens the armoire
and removes a large, white dressing robe.

BOB

There are some hangers in the bathroom that you can use. I'll turn the
bed down while you are undressing.

Stephanie takes the robe and exits to the bathroom and closes the door.
Bob pulls the bed clothes to the foot of the bed leaving just the bottom
sheet. Bob removes his clothes except for his boxer shorts. Then Bob
opens the bottle of scented oil and sets it on the end table next to the
bed. Stephanie re-enters the bedroom.

STEPHANIE

Do you want me face down?

Bob pours a little of the oil into his hand.

BOB

That's right. Would you pull your hair up off your shoulders? Good.

Bob warms the muscles near Stephanie's neck and starts to message her.

BOB

Now I will spread some scented oil on your neck from the scapula to your
ear lobes. The massaging will last for fifteen minutes which will cause
a release of oxytocin, the hormone that acts like a neuromodulator.

24.

STEPHANIE

This feels good but will I forget him? Your touch is really wonderful. I
mean... oh, you know what I mean. Your voice is so confident, I feel
better already.

BOB

This procedure is medically sound: It's called an internal, self
generating dopamine drip. That generates receptors which remember the
rewards and forgets the pain. And the reward, of course, is the euphoria
from a series of orgasms...

STEPHANIE

But, but, I can't have a romantic relationship with you... Like I said,
you're old enough to be my father.

BOB

Might be...

Stephanie turns slowly to face Bob. They pause and then they
passionately kiss.
FADE OUT.
INT. RUSTIC BEDROOM. EARLY MORNING.

Stephanie is in the master bed on her side looking and smiling at Bob
who is sleeping. Stephanie is disheveled with a silly grin. She lights a
cigarette, takes a drag, exhales smoke. She realizes what she has done
and becomes cross. She smashes her cigarette out in an ashtray on the
night stand. And steps out of the bed and yells at the sleeping Bob--
hands on her hips.

STEPHANIE

I can't believe you did that! You took advantage of me! You knew I was
vulnerable! You knew I was attracted to you so you just did it! And I
don't know how you did it but once I started, you wouldn't stop! I've
never had multiple 'o's before! You should have stopped right then! And
then you took me! How dare you! You are despicable! You son of a bitch!

25.

Stephanie runs to the master bath. The sound of a shower is heard. The
shower stops. She appears dressed but still disheveled. She gathers her
iPad and keys and leaves. She can be seen through the bedroom window
driving away spinning her wheels.
FADE OUT.

26.

INT. - SUN ROOM - NEXT EVENING

Three members of the Compound group, Georgia, Sandra, and Dee Dee are
gathered in the sun room waiting for Stephanie.

GEORGIA

All she said to me was "I need to see everyone at ten tonight."

I hope he jumped her bones! Sometimes she gets so horny she can't think
straight!

The three women toast in agreement. Stephanie enters the room, Sandra
pours a drink and hands it to Stephanie.

STEPHANIE

You will never guess what happened to me!

DEE DEE

He was so dreamy that you're going to run off together!

STEPHANIE shakes her head 'no' and sips her drink.

DEE DEE (CONT'D)

My guess is that he's rich, handsome, available and wants you to have
his baby...

STEPHANIE

Shut your mouth, Dee Dee! Everybody QUIET! Here's what happened: I got
lost and had to call him for help. I was twenty minutes late but signing
him up went very fast. He was very funny and easy to like. It was as
though he was tuned in to what I was going to say before I said it. He
told me about his girlfriend that passed away in February. That she had
wanted to pick out a woman for him! Can you believe that?

SANDRA

That is so sweet! I think I'm going to cry...

STEPHANIE

It choked me up and I blubbered about my situation.

(MORE)
27.

Bob said that he would help me get over the breakup. Then he suggested
that I come back to his house after my last appointment and he would fix
dinner.

SANDRA

Oh, sure. He's going to cook?

STEPHANIE

He did! He did! He had pasta with shrimp and Parmesan with an avocado
salad! Plus, he had a very good chianti! Then we had drinks and talked
about where I wanted to be in ten years...

SANDRA

Sounds like a snake charmer to me. Just saying.

STEPHANIE

We had drinks in the parlor in front of the fireplace. Then I asked to
see the rest of the house that he built for his girlfriend. It's a two
story, three bedroom, rustic cedar cabin. And yes, he built it! -- even
the finishing.

GEORGIA

What happened? And we want details!

STEPHANIE

I was admiring his fabulous house and he led me into the bedroom. And it
was so overwhelming that I just folded into his arms. And we went to bed
-- end of story!

SANDRA

STEPHANIE! You did not!

STEPHANIE

OK, that's NOT exactly what happened. Bob cooked pasta for dinner and
opened a bottle of wine which we finished while he fixed my iPad. My
iPad, Einstein, now talks to me and he talks to Jan. Jan is Bob's
computer voice.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D) (MORE)
28.

Then I asked him to help me get over breaking up. It was more of a
demand. He said that he would guarantee that I wouldn't cry about HIM
again. First he messaged my neck...

DEE DEE

Did you get naked?

STEPHANIE

I had a robe on. Bob rubbed my neck and ears and shoulders with oil.
Lilac oil I think.

DEE DEE

Did you take your clothes off?

STEPHANIE

Yes, Dee Dee, but I put the robe on in the bathroom.

DEE DEE

So he never saw you naked, right?

STEPHANIE

Not when we started. But, later... He explained about all the hormones
running around in my body.

SANDRA

Did he drug you?

STEPHANIE

No, no, no. All he did was massage me and then (quietly) he went down on me.

DEE DEE

WHAT did you say? I couldn't hear you... It sounded like 'then he went
down on me.'

STEPHANIE

And I begged him to... to... you know.

DEE DEE

You told us that you would never...

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)
29.

STEPHANIE

Well, I changed my mind. Actually, it was all the hormones.

SANDRA

So, you did or didn't like it?

But, if you did, how was he? What did he do? Was he any good?

STEPHANIE

Bob is a romantic. His foreplay is dreamy... He loves to give head... He
licked my toes and I came. He kissed me all over and I came. He sucked
my ear lobe and I came. I was on FIRE! I came and I came. He waited for
my last climax and came with me. I think the score was six or seven to
one. He did things to me that have never been done. And then I came to
my senses and told him off! How dare he make love to me on our first
date? And it wasn't even a date! I showered and left!

STEPHANIE sits glumly. She shakes her head.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)

I should mention that I screamed at him for 'taking me' whatever that
means. I've never, ever, been in this situation!

GEORGIA

Sounds like a dream to me. What's the problem? I don't think that you
should have yelled at him. He gave you the best sex in twelve years and
you lower the boom on him? What's wrong with this picture? Horny bitch
gets satisfied and busts a cap on her new lover!

SANDRA

The big question is 'why?' Why did you chastise your new

boyfriend?

And why did you run off?

DEE DEE

I think Stephanie acted that way because she lost control!

(MORE)
30.

And we all know, STEPHANIE is not a happy camper when she loses control!

GEORGIA

Sure... They kissed: She lost control. They got in bed: She lost
control. He went down on her: She lost control. You can't have good sex
unless you give up control! I would venture a guess that he lost control
once when he came. By the way, did he wear protection? If he did, then
he had it all planned! If he didn't, he was either swept up in the
moment or he wanted to put his 'brand' on you!

STEPHANIE

My God! He's seventy two! There he was, acting like a college
freshman... With a lot of experience! So, what do we do? I'd like to see
him again but I think I ran him off. Actually, he stayed and I ran
off... Come on! Anybody have any ideas? Surely, our Harlequin expert has
a clever idea.

DEE DEE

My suggestion after thoroughly examining the situation is to ignore the
whole sex thing and the bawling out that you gave Bob. I read that in
one of my books... I think.

STEPHANIE

You mean treat the episode as though I have some mental problem and my
memory just skips over any 'sex' times? I don't think so... That is so
far off the wall!

GEORGIA

That's where I saw it! It was written on my Facebook Wall!

SANDRA

You have some of the screwiest Friends on Facebook!

DEE DEE (CONT'D)
31.

DEE DEE

Go ahead, Stephie! Just ignore the best sex you ever had. Just stay out
of the bedroom...

SANDRA

Guess what! I've got the perfect song for you two love birds--
Radiohead's Creep! "She's running out the door." Play it Stephie.

FADE OUT.

INT. - RUSTIC DEN - MORNING

Telephone rings. Jan answers the phone.

JAN (O.C.)

Hello, Stephanie. This is Jan. Bob isn't here right now. I assume that
he is sleeping.

STEPHANIE (O.S.)

Hello, Jan. I've never talked to a female computer. Is it OK to discuss
things with you without Bob?

JAN (O.C.)

Of course. What is your message?

STEPHANIE (O.S.)

I was admiring Bob's Facebook postings especially the roses and the
iris. If I get out that way, I'd like to drop by.

BOB

Hi, Stephanie.

JAN (O.S.)

Stephanie was talking to ME.

BOB

I'm very sorry Jan. Let me talk to her and then you can talk to
Einstein. OK? Stephanie? Sure you can drop by. Better yet, I would like
to take you to dinner. Macaroni Grill.

(MORE)
32.

I'll pick you up at four o'clock.

STEPHANIE (O.S

.)
Whoa! That's too fast. I'm a girl.

BOB

That's for sure...

STEPHANIE

It's going to take me some time to get ready. How about we meet at my
house - "the compound" - next Monday about five-ish and we'll go from there?

BOB

That sounds great. I can't wait to see you and the 'Compound'.

STEPHANIE

My address is in the book under Lakeview. OK?

BOB

Got it. Thanks for the invite. 'Bye.

JAN (O.C.)

Said the spider to the fly. Just saying.

BOB

Jan! Where did you learn that? You are heading for so much trouble!

JAN (O.C.)

I've been talking to Einstein. I saved his number so we chat about you
two. The Compound girls held a meeting to analyze how your last tryst
went. Seems as though Stephanie thought you were great but hated to lose
control. You scored high marks on sex and cooking. There was mention of
not using protection, whatever that is.

BOB

What big ears you have.

JAN (O.C.)

I don't have any ears.

BOB (CONT'D)
33.

FADE OUT.

INT. - STEPHANIE'S MOTHER'S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

MARGO, STEPHANIE'S Mother, colors STEPHANIE'S hair.

MARGO

So, tell me what this fuss is about. Has my little girl found a man?

STEPHANIE shakes her head no.

MARGO (CONT'D)

What's his name?

STEPHANIE

Bob Taylor. He's seventy two. I sold him some Medicare insurance. ...And
we had sex.

MARGO

And you said "Oh, I just want to be presentable..." and "oh, and by the
way, we had sex..."

STEPHANIE

There's more... After we had sex, I proceeded to read him the riot act.

MARGO

What, on God's green earth, for? Was he that bad?

STEPHANIE

He wasn't bad at all. In fact he's the best! Bob said that making love
to me was like sucking the chocolate off of chocolate covered
cherries... He said that the meaning of life is 'treading water between
my orgasms'. He was whispering all these things while sending me over
the edge again and again. The girls said that I overreacted because I
lost control.

34.

MARGO

That could be part of it but if you are like me and I think you are, you
succumbed to what I call a "Whisperer." I met one about six months
before I married your father. He was traveling through Arkansas with a
thrashing crew. I went to a Saturday night dance and there he was. He
didn't ask me to dance, he just took my hand and we were dancing. My
feet didn't touch the ground. He whispered love poems all night. And
then he nibbled on my ear lobe and I melted into his arms. I was lost! I
would have followed him back to Oklahoma but, my mother came and got me.
She said that she had met someone like that when she was growing up. She
never forgot. More than likely, you've met up with one too.

STEPHANIE

What am I going to do?

MARGO

Trust him. Follow his lead. I don't know. Tell him everything. These are
the things that I would do if I ever saw my "Whisperer" again.

STEPHANIE

Would you like to meet Bob? We could drive up next weekend.

MARGO

Yes, I would love to meet your 'Bob'. Just let me know... And don't
forget to flush good old Tom!

FADE OUT.

EXT. - FRONT OF UPSCALE RESIDENCE - AFTERNOON

Van pulls up in front. ROBERT TAYLOR exits van carrying sack of 4 liquor
bottles, mounts steps and rings bell. STEPHANIE opens the door and
greets BOB.

STEPHANIE

Hello, Bob! Please, come in.

35.

BOB

Hi, Stephanie. Charming house!

INT. - SUN ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

ROBERT TAYLOR, "Bob" follows STEPHANIE to the bar in the Sun Room. He
takes four bottles of liquor from his sack and places them on the bar.
STEPHANIE mixes apitcher of margaritas and pours two glasses.

BOB

Thank you.

STEPHANIE moves to leather, overstuffed chair and assumes a Lotus
position. She indicates that BOB should sit on a small sofa that is next
to her.

STEPHANIE

I've been reading your Facebook Profile and your comments about Judy.
She must have been a terrific companion! You write as though you adored her.

BOB

She was an angel. Judy wanted everyone to be happy. She taught me to
confront bad acting people.

STEPHANIE

How did you meet?

BOB

I was working for GE at the time as an Advanced Architect. She was the
customer's technical representative when I met her.

It was love at first sight! Later I learned that she told her boss
that she'd be lucky to get her system installed without sleeping with
the developer.

At the end of the work day, Judy invited me to have drinks with her boss
and her. The dingy bar (Bad Bob's Vapors)...

STEPHANIE

Oh, I've been there...

BOB

It had good food, big drinks and a live dance band. So we jitterbugged
the night away.

36.

STEPHANIE

Sounds like fun. I've been a belly dancer! And a CEO. And a salesman.

BOB

Have you traveled much?

STEPHANIE

No, except for vacations. How about you?

BOB

I've been all over. Grew up in South Dakota and Iowa. You grew up in
Arkansas? I've been there lots. It's pretty country... Lots better than
South Dakota!

STEPHANIE

When were you in Arkansas?

BOB

The summers of late fifties and early sixties. I was a cook for a
thrashing crew. We'd drag combines from Oklahoma and Texas up to South
Dakota.

STEPHANIE

Did you meet any girls?

BOB

You're looking sad like someone that is hitting a rough patch and could
use an understanding companion.

STEPHANIE

I realize that you might think that you could help me. Well, it won't
work for a couple of reasons: First, our age difference! You're twenty
six years older than I am. Second, I know that you would want to change
me. Everybody wants to change me and I don't want to change. And third,
you want a romantic relationship and I'm not ready for a romantic