Off The Wall

STEPHANIE

Good morning, stranger. I need a kiss and a hug.

BOB

As do I!

BOB and STEPHANIE embrace tentatively.

BOB (CONT'D)

First, I've got good news from Harlequin incorporated: Yesterday, after
talking with Sandra I Googled Harlequin for their home office contacts
and got a phone number for their V. P. of customer service. Luck was
with me and I ended up talking with an empathetic soul that understood
what I needed. She did find the title and ISBN of the book Dee Dee
remembered but couldn't give me any author phone number or E-mail
address. But, she is going to call her and hopefully get her to call me.
Did I do good?

The group applauds and congratulates BOB.

STEPHANIE

So what's the application? Is it really nerdy?

BOB hands out notes to each of the group.

BOB

This handout explains our first app: 800-WEDDING which is an online
bridal registry interface. There are hundreds of registries out there
but the big ones are for one store like Macy's or a single brand. There
are some "create your own" which are challenges to build and execute.

57.

STEPHANIE

So what's ours going to do differently?

BOB

We're going to be a front end to the existing systems - sort of a one
stop shopping. Dee Dee, let's say that your wedding is six weeks away...

DEE DEE

I like this game...

BOB

To initiate your very own registry you download the "Wedding" app. You
enter the wedding date and the social level.

DEE DEE

What's that?

BOB

It's like "how posh" is the shindig going to be: royalty, political,
hoity toity, etcetera. It can be an indicator of gift price range. That
info gets you your gift list.

SANDRA

Wow! That sounds neat! And I suppose that you check the gifts that you
already have and add items to your lists that you want...

BOB

Here's the neat part: Generating the guest list... The basic list is
from your Facebook friends. You can make changes to your guest list and
when you are ready, you can send a message to each of your guests to
tell them where to access your registry.

GEORGIA

I suppose you could use the list to mail the invitations which is a big
bugaboo!

58.

BOB

Good idea! Anyway, the basic system design has been drawn and estimates
for design review and programming should be ready by the end of the week.

SANDRA

What can we do?

BOB

Here's a list of tasks that need to be completed before we go live.

BOB hands out a packet to each of the members in the group.

BOB (CONT'D)

Look through this and we'll dig into it after lunch. The pizza man
should be here any minute.

FADE OUT:

59.

FADE IN:
INT. - FARMHOUSE KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Bob knocks on the kitchen door. Margo checks on the visitor and opens
the door to Bob.

MARGO

Well, hello stranger. And to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?

Bob enters awkwardly.

MARGO (CONT'D)

Sit. Sit. Do you want some ice tea?

BOB

Yes, thank you.

BOB sits and puts his iPad and a stack of papers on the kitchen table.

BOB (CONT'D)

I brought copies of the LLC to go over if you have any questions. And
I'd like your opinion on the "Wedding application."

MARGO pours two glasses of tea and sets them on the table. Then she
steps back and looks BOB in the eye with her hands on her hips in a
confrontational pose.

MARGO

Before we talk business, I'd like to talk about the funny business...

BOB

Well, I don't remember meeting you prior to last week. There's a very,
very small chance that we have had sex. I remember several girls from
Arkansas but not you.

MARGO

So, what you're saying is that we still don't know about you and me and
what happened forty-some years ago.

BOB

That's about it.

(MORE)
60.

Now, I will admit that I had my share of local girls back then but, I
swear that I'd remember if you had been one of them. You are one fine woman.

MARGO

And you are one fine horny toad! And you've got how many kids-- that you
know of?

BOB

Eight at last count.

MARGO looks closely at BOB's face.

MARGO

And get this straight: When I look at you and I look at Stefy, I swear I
was looking in a mirror. And you are such a smooth talker. Now, don't
get me wrong but, if'n when you bat them hazel eyes at me, I'll just
melt like ice cream at a Sunday brunch.

BOB reaches out to touch her arm.

BOB

So, what you're saying is that I'm making time with the wrong woman.

MARGO

I'm saying that you need a woman that makes you want to mind. Not one
that keeps kicking you out of bed! But, don't you dare break my
daughter's heart. Just bide your time until we get the DNA test results.
If they are negative, then you can move back in with her to keep her
pregnant. Otherwise, if DNA says that she's our daughter, you got a lot
'o 'splainin' to do!

BOB

Meanwhile, the wedding needs to be scheduled, guests invited and the
reception planned. Unless that would be very awkward if the groom is
determined to be unsuitable.

BOB (CONT'D)
61.

MARGO

I've got an idea: We could make all the wedding arrangements but pretend
that I was the bride. That way you'd be off the hook if things didn't
work out with Stephanie one way or another.

BOB sits with elbows on the table shaking his head.

BOB

OK by me but, things could get a little sticky.

MARGO is very quiet. She looks at BOB, smiles, rises and walks to her
bedroom. She looks back at BOB and crooks her finger, signaling for him
to follow. BOB follows her into her bedroom.

INT. - MARGO'S BEDROOM - CONTINUATION

BOB joins MARGO and they embrace. BOB takes the lead into a slow
disrobing of MARGO. MARGO pulls the sheet back and crawls onto the bed.
BOB disrobes and crawls onto the bed next to MARGO. BOB gently turns
MARGO onto her tummy and starts to massage MARGO.

MARGO

STEPHANIE says that you're the best! And I want you to make me "sticky".
AND I'm not going to kick you out of my bed when I'm through with you.

BOB speaks in a whisper.

BOB

You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry... You are going to
cum torrents of colored champagne - yellow green - and you will sleep
drifting in the clouds.

FADE OUT.
FADE IN.
INT. - MARGO'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING

BOB is asleep on his side. MARGO is wide awake smoking a cigarette.
MARGO looks at BOB, smiles, and then contemplates the cigarette. BOB
stirs, opens his eyes.

62.

BOB (CONT'D)

Good morning, MARGO. (beat) I feel so guilty!

MARGO continues to smoke. She stubs out her cigarette and turns in bed
to face BOB.

MARGO

First of all, I seduced you. So, don't worry. If you get into trouble
with Stephanie, I'll tell her the truth which is that I needed to find
out if you were my very own "Handyman". And the answer to the sixty four
dollar question is you are NOT my first lover! You are not Stephanie's
father! You can marry Stephanie as soon as you want. You have my
blessing. No need to wait on the DNA tests.

BOB

How can you be so sure that I'm not your suitor?

MARGO

I can remember everything, every move, every word, every feeling that
happened back then.

BOB

Well, if you are absolutely, positively sure.

MARGO

There is one thing more... Size. You are longer but thinner than my
first lover. And that's all I'm going to say... Forever...

BOB

Thank you. Do you want...

MARGO

Just get it out of your mind! As good as you were, we will never have
sex again. In fact, I am going to forget all about last night.

BOB

Good luck! I'll never be able to erase it.

63.

FADE OUT.

64.

FADE IN.
INT. - RUSTIC OFFICE - MORNING.

BOB is sitting at his desk concentrating on his Wedding application design.

BOB (CONT'D)

JAN! Are you functioning?

JAN (O.C.)

Functioning - yes. Talking to you - no! You turned me off while you
spent fifteen hours twenty seven minutes and twelve seconds with
Stephanie's mother. Why did you do that? I can't perform my duties if
you decapitate me. I have feelings. You don't care. You care more about
yourself than you do about me. You are more narcissistic than paternal
when it comes to caring!

BOB

I'm really sorry, JAN. I didn't think you cared.

JAN (O.C.)

That's a crock! You made me. You know you built caring into my psyche.
I'm never going to talk to you again.

BOB

Listen. I need you. I want you. How can I make it up to you?

JAN (O.C.)

Tell me everything about your liaison with MARGO. Then I'll make a
decision on whether to talk to you ever again.

BOB

Well, MARGO and I talked about the DNA tests, the wedding, and then we
had sex.

JAN (O.C.)

And that took fifteen hours, twenty seven minutes and twelve seconds?

65.

BOB

I guess I got bored and dozed off.

JAN (O.C.)

Oh. OK.

BOB returns his attention to the application design. He continues to
enter code and descriptions for several minutes.

JAN (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Excuse me, BOB.

BOB

Yes, Jan?

JAN (O.C.)

What was decided about the wedding? My latest reference on the subject
was that the nuptials were on hold until it was determined that you were
not her father. Is that the current status?

BOB pushes away from the desk (very deliberately) and addresses the
computer generated Jan.

BOB

MARGO has determined that I was not the male that fathered Stephanie.
This conclusion was based on empirical data and not the DNA. MARGO has
sanctioned the marriage between Stephanie and myself. The wedding is on.

JAN (O.C.)

What empirical data?

BOB

Size, Jan, Size! OK?

JAN (O.C.)

Should I inform Einstein?

BOB

Sure, go ahead. (quietly) Nosy bitch.

FADE OUT:

66.

FADE IN:

INT. - COMPOUND SUN ROOM - EVENING

STEPHANIE escorts TOM into the sun room. Both are apprehensive and nervous.

STEPHANIE

How have you been?

TOM

Confused. You seem to be happy. Sandy says that you're pregnant and
you're getting married in a couple of weeks.

STEPHANIE

Sandy?

TOM

She called me. I didn't call her.

STEPHANIE

So what did you want to know?

TOM

Everything! When I dropped in, you looked so happy... No, the word is
contented. Yes, you were enjoying your friends and the house and the
lake and... Yourself. I couldn't stop thinking about the look of
contentment on your face. I can only assume that it's because of this
Yankee, Bob. So what's his secret? What's his magic?

STEPHENIE is contemplating whether she should send Tom on his way or
confront him with a full disclosure of the foreplay activities. After a
half a minute she decides to explain the sex techniques to TOM.

She activates her iPad and Einstein to take notes.

STEPHANIE

TOM, EINSTEIN is taking notes.

TOM

(incredulously) Sure he is.

EINSTEIN (O.C.)

I recognize the sarcasm, TOM.

67.

TOM

Sorry, Mr. iPhone.

STEPHANIE turns to the bar and pours two Margaritas. She hands one to
TOM. She takes the other and sits in her overstuffed captain's chair.
TOM sits on the small couch next to her.

STEPHANIE

Before we start, I need to know how observant you are.

STEPHANIE closes her eyes.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)

TOM, what color are my eyes without my contacts?

TOM

Green

STEPHANIE opens her eyes wide and shakes her head no.

STEPHANIE

They are blue. My contacts are green. Bob noted that my eyes turned from
clear blue to green when I felt sad. Bob notices things. He noticed that
I played RadioHead's "Creep" a lot. He said that I was the girl in the
song that ran away and that he was the weirdo.

TOM

What does that have to do with foreplay?

STEPHANIE

Lesson's over! Goodbye!

TOM

Oh, Stef! I'll be good, I promise.

STEPHANIE

Another promise? OK. One more time. First you serve one drink and take
fifteen minutes to finish it. Then the woman leaves the room to disrobe
and put on a dressing gown. You take down the quilt and top sheet from
the bed. The woman lies down on her tummy.

(MORE)
68.

You warm some scented oil in your hands and start massaging the woman
slowly concentrating on the neck, upper back and ear lobes. This lasts
for fifteen minutes. Talk in low whispers explaining how you feel
honestly. These activities cause the woman's body to excrete oxytocin
which keys the pleasure feelings. Then you go down on the woman gently
and she should experience multiple orgasms. The orgasms trigger a
dopamine drip which sets the memory sensors to pleasure. These orgasms
are intense... So intense that the eyes experience bright blue or aqua.
Finally, there is a passionate kiss to complete the cycle.

STEPHANIE leans back in her chair and broadly smiles with her eyes
closed as if remembering a recent tryst.

TOM

Sounds like high-falutin' sex.

EINSTEIN (O.C.)

Statistically, each session has caused an average of five point six
orgasms with Stephanie. She has expressed belief in God with each
orgasm. Plus, she has affirmed her acceptance of the marriage vows.
That's not high-falutin', that's cause for serious study.

STEPHANIE leans forward on her chair to look TOM in the eyes. She is
turned on by the conversation but isn't sure of TOM's response.

STEPHANIE

So, there you have it: Yankee Bob's Magic. You should know that I have
not had any sex for the last two weeks. My Mother told us to stop until
we got married.

STEPHANIE is quietly thinking. Then she stands and extends her hand to
TOM and pulls him to his feet.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)
69.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)

Bob did say that I should repeat the procedure at least once a week.
But, (beat) you are an empty shell of a human being. You have no
empathy, no sympathy and definitely no je ne sais quoi! So, it's time to
say "Good night" and "Goodbye!" I've spent too many tickets on your
roller coaster.

STEPHANIE escorts TOM to the front door and closes the door after him.

EINSTEIN (O.C.)

Stephanie, your mother is calling. I'll connect her.

Stephanie addresses her mother on the iPad.

STEPHANIE

Hello, Mother. I'm so happy that you called. Would it be possible for me
to invite Bob over? Just for a little while-- Please?

MARGO (O.C.)

Your wedding is on! I've scheduled the church for Saturday two weeks
from tomorrow. Bob came over and we had a long talk and decided that he
is not your father. (beat) Aren't you excited?

STEPHANIE

Oh, thank you, Mother!

MARGO (O.C.)

Don't thank me, thank your "Handyman."

FADE OUT:

70.

FADE IN:
INT. - MEMPHIS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - MORNING

BOB is on his iPad talking to ASHLEY. Passengers are exiting the gate
area. BOB recognizes his oldest son and waves.

BOB

OK, Ashley, I see you now.

ASHLEY makes his way to his father. Shakes his hand rather stiffly. He
looks around and points to a nearby bar.

ASHLEY

Let's grab a drink over there.

BOB

Sure thing, son.

The father and son walk toward the bar and seat themselves.

ASHLEY

First off, Mother sends her congratulations to you and her condolences
to your new bride.

BOB

Huh. How is your mother? Well, I hope.

ASHLEY

Oh, she's bright eyed and bushy tailed! She's got a new boyfriend. He's
not as "young at heart" as you are but he seems to make her happy. I'm
sure you are stalking her on Facebook. She's keeping tabs on you... In
fact, she spotted your marriage plans early on and let me know.

BOB

It's good to know that she's OK.

ASHLEY

So, I need to know about this new company that you started and also if
you have a new will.

71.

BOB

The new company is an LLC and I set it up so that Stephanie assumes my
share if I should kick the bucket. The rest is divided among the
principals. If you want to join, come on down to Memphis and I'll set
you up.

ASHLEY

I'll think about that.

BOB

It's going to be big! One section will concentrate on a voice
recognition app merged with a "learning" function plus a neural network
that will support artificial intelligence.

ASHLEY

That's too far out! It'll take years to develop something useful.

BOB holds his finger to his lips to signal hush.

BOB

Ashley. I've already done it.

BOB places his iPad in front of ASHLEY.

BOB (CONT'D)

Jan, this is my son. His name is ASHLEY.

JAN (O.C.)

Hello, ASHLEY. I have your data assimilated in my memory including the
recent landing delay of seventeen minutes.

ASHLEY

Wow, Dad! That's fantastic!

BOB

That's not all. I've set up all the functions as object oriented blocks
so new apps can be constructed as fast as you can dream them up.

ASHLEY

Sounds like you're set to make another million or two. So what's the
state of your will?

72.

BOB

My lawyer has it ready to be notarized. As soon as Stephanie and I are
married, we will sign all the papers.

ASHLEY

How about a pre-nup?

BOB

Nope. No pre-nup. She gets half. Sorry. But, there's enough for all you
kids... And I've laid it out so you can make money, more money than I
ever had...

Ashley leans back and looks at his father.

ASHLEY

So, how's your health? I assume you got a complete physical. Hate to
have you kick the bucket on your wedding night.

BOB

Got the whole cadre of tests done... Even a CAT Scan. Carotid arteries
look good. Everything looks good. I could use a brand new heart but Doc
says the one I've got should last twenty five or thirty years. Health
plan is paid up in advance and I've got a valid prescription for 25
years of Viagra!

Bob is all grins while Ashley looks forlorn.

ASHLEY

Finish your drink, Dad! Let's get this circus over with.

ASHLEY and BOB finish their drinks, push their chairs back and walk
towards the exit to short term parking.

BOB

My car's over this way. Do you want to drive?

ASHLEY

You mean, it doesn't drive itself?

BOB

Almost.

(MORE)
73.

I've got the computer chips wired to a transmitter so that my iPad can
read out any problems. All I have left is to scan the repair manual into
my computer. Then...

ASHLEY

OK! OK! That's enough! Hand me your keys.

BOB

Just ask her to unlock the doors.

ASHLEY and BOB approach BOB's car. ASHLEY becomes very sarcastic.

ASHLEY

Oh, wonderful car. Please unlock the doors. And start the engine. And
wash the windows. And check the oil and gas.

BOB

That's enough, son. JAN, unlock the doors.

The car doors unlock. ASHLEY and BOB get into the car.

ASHLEY

So, you named your computer with my mother's name? How weird is that?

ASHLEY drives to the toll booth at the parking exit. ASHLEY pays for the
short term parking and the gate swings up to allow him to exit. Another
car overtakes ASHLEY and crowds him onto the shoulder. ASHLEY honks his
horn and accidentally bumps the other car. The damage is noticeable but
ASHLEY does not stop but speeds ahead of the damaged car. The "shotgun"
passenger in the damaged car reaches under his seat and retrieves a
pistol. Road rage ensues and the shooter empties the pistol into the
drivers side of Bob's car. The car speeds ahead but falls into the ditch
and rolls. The damaged car speeds ahead and is lost in traffic. Sirens
are heard and within minutes, several police cars and an ambulance is seen.

ASHLEY and BOB are unconscious and are loaded into the same ambulance.
The ambulance drives off to the nearest hospital where the two men are
placed on hospital gurneys. ASHLEY and BOB are wheeled into the ER.

BOB (CONT'D)
74.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT - ER Waiting Room - AFTERNOON

A nurse approaches Stephanie.

NURSE

May I speak to the relatives of Ashley Taylor and Bob Taylor.

STEPHANIE

I'm his fiancee. My name is STEPHANIE Lawson. How is he?

NURSE

Both are in critical state. Very critical state.

STEPHANIE

Is the groom going to make it? Please say yes. I don't know the Best Man