Off with Her Pants

"Yes. Privacy, please."

I burst out laughing. "Oh shit. Big bro's got a boner."

"Relly, come on."

I couldn't stop giggling. I knew it wasn't really that funny, but somehow, in the moment, it was to me. My older, more mature brother was stuck hiding a hard-on under the covers. It was such a ludicrous departure from the way my morning had been going. Maybe that was all it took.

"Shall I avert my eyes?" I asked between fits of laughter. "Leave the room? Vacate the house entirely, perhaps?"

Denver shook his head in exasperation. "Fine, do whatever you want."

He threw back the covers and swung his legs off his bed. My laughter caught in my throat. His boxers were tented prominently, and I was faced with a sudden reality; that was actually my brother's erection. It had been so abstract and comical a moment ago. Now it practically stared me in the face.

"Well, then," I said.

"Told ya."

"You're right. You did."

When Denver stood up, it only made his boxer-tent all the more obvious and focal. I half expected his cock to burst out the front like a hatching alien.

"It doesn't do tricks. Doesn't matter how long you stare at it."

Denver began fetching clothes. I flushed and looked away from him until he was pulling some pants on.

"Wasn't staring," I said.

"Were."

"Wasn't."

Denver turned to me as he buckled his belt. He grinned at me, all shirtless and slightly bulging in the crotch area. At least his jeans held his erection down way better than his underwear.

"Were," he said definitively.

"Fine, so I was. It was just so... big. Bigger than I expected."

Denver laughed. "Now that's how to give a boy confidence."

I felt my face heat up even further. "No no no, not like that."

"Not like what?"

"I just meant it was sticking... out... a lot." I paused. "Fuck. I'm not making this any better."

"You're really not."

Denver selected a t-shirt and pulled it on over his head. The muscles in his arms stood out more clearly than I was used to for a moment, then the shirt came down and covered him up.

"You said something about playing some basketball recently, or something," I said in an attempt to change the subject. "You still doing that?"

"Yeah, actually. There's some, like, casually organized games happening a few times a week at college. And some pick-up games whenever."

"Is it fun?"

"Kinda. Enough that I keep going back. Gotta get some exercise, you know."

"Mom bugging ya about it?"

Denver nodded. "Indeed."

"Well it's working for you."

The smile Denver gave me made me feel funny. I was still off balance from my unfortunate choices of staring and word selection, so maybe that was part of it. There was something else, though. Something I couldn't quite figure out.

"Thanks, Relly. I actually really appreciate you saying that."

My face was never going to stop being red at this rate. At least this was a more positive cause than before.

"Yeah, well... yeah. You're welcome."

I stood up and left the room. Denver padded behind me on bare feet. He stopped at the bathroom, and I turned just before he closed the door.

"Hey, Den?" I said.

"Yeah?"

"Could we, like, never mention any of this to anyone ever?"

He snorted. "In what universe am I telling anyone about how my little sister was perving on me?"

It was a sign of my sheer level of emotional turmoil that I didn't even consider arguing the point. "Ok. Cool. I'll, uh, see you upstairs, then."

"Sure thing."

Denver closed the door, and I trudged back up the stairs. I was not mentally prepared for the day, that much was clear. Maybe I needed more coffee.

****

I spent much of my school day thinking and worrying about that morning. I didn't remember anything about my classes except that I'd been to them. My mind was occupied with other concerns.

It bothered me way too much the way I'd reacted. I knew about boys, to some extent. I knew about erections, anyway, and that they sometimes just happened. And, in theory, since my brother was a boy I should have been able to put things together in my head. Clearly that hadn't worked out.

It frustrated me to think that I was still so juvenile, so inexperienced, that Denver's tented boxers confused the shit out of me. He had a penis, alright? It wasn't anything new or strange. That was just how boys were built.

Except... Denver wasn't a boy. Or rather, he was a very special subset of boys; one who carried very different rules of engagement. It wasn't the usual case where an erection would produce either arousal or disgust in me, depending on my feelings about the boy in question. Denver was outside of that game. He was my brother, and that was it. When I'd been confronted with evidence to the contrary, it had damaged my base world view.

I felt a little better when I figured out the explanation for my reaction. At least, it was a possible explanation, and it seemed to fit nicely enough. Denver had existed asexually in my life for quite a long time, and he could continue to do so. I'd just have to be more careful in the future.

By the time I visited my locker for the final time that day, I was feeling much more like myself. I was still pretty spaced out, though, and didn't notice my friend sneaking up on me. Which is to say, she probably walked normally, and only my lack of situational awareness allowed her to startle me the way she did.

"Hey, Relly."

I jumped at the sudden voice. My feet actually left the ground, albeit only just barely enough to count.

"Oh shit, Fay. You scared me."

Fay laughed and leaned up against the locker next to mine. "Well I didn't mean to, if it's any consolation."

"No no, I know. I'm just...."

"Spaced the fuck out?"

"Yeah. Basically."

"I could tell. You've been out of it all day. I was getting kinda worried about you."

I busied myself rearranging my text books as an excuse not to meet Fay's gaze. "I've had some things on my mind."

"No kidding. Anything I can help with?"

"I don't know. It's complicated."

"Ah. Boy trouble?"

I ran out of things to tidy and shut my locker. Fay was peering at me a little too intently for comfort. I crossed my arms and shrugged.

"Kinda."

"Kinda?"

"I mean, yeah, it's about a boy. But it's not what you're thinking."

Fay smirked. "Like you know what I'm thinking."

"I can guess." I frowned in concentration for a few seconds. "Either... you're hoping I have a new crush, or... or something significantly dirtier than that."

"Ha. Alright, you got me." Fay's smile faded to disappointment. "Guess that means it's not one of those then, huh?"

"Nope."

"That's too bad. You need a boy in your life."

"Do not. I'm doing fine."

"Relly--"

"No. Don't give me this lecture again."

I turned away, arms still folded protectively in front of me. Fay's hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed gently.

"No lecture," she said. "Promise. I just worry about your lack of socializing sometimes. You know that."

I sighed. "I do. But you know that you make me feel like a total loser when you fuss over me too much."

"Also true." Fay threw her arm around my shoulders and started walking. I had little choice but to follow. "Alright, so in deference to your poor, sensitive little feelings--"

"Bitch."

"--we'll leave this mystery boy alone for now. C'mon, let's go have some fun. Get your mind off it." Fay wagged a finger in my face. "And don't be calling me names just for being a good friend. It's rude."

A smile crept over my lips. "Then don't say things specifically to provoke name-calling."

"Who, me?"

****

Fay dropped me off at home that evening. We'd spent a few hours hanging out, which had been pretty fun. She'd tried getting me to spill my secret a few more times, but as yet it remained known only to me.

I knew I was in trouble when I walked in and found the rest of my family at the supper table already. They were clearly well in the middle of their meal. Denver had already cleared most of his plate, being a boy and all. Dad was about halfway through, and Mom was picking tactically at her food. All three of them looked up at me as I entered.

"Hello, Relly," Mom said in an entirely civil tone. "Nice of you to join us."

"You're in trouuubllleee," Denver called in a sing-songy voice.

"Shut the hell up, Den," I said.

Mom set her fork down hard. "Esmeralda! Language!"

"Jesus, Mom. Don't call me that. You know I don't like it."

"It's your name. I don't know why--"

"No, I know. It doesn't matter how many times I explain it." I adopted a higher pitched, blatantly sarcastic tone. "It's such a beautiful name, especially for pretty, pretty princesses." I rolled my eyes with all the teenage angst I could muster.

Mom took a few deep breaths. I waited in full rebel-mode for her inevitable response.

"You know," she began icily, "for someone who waltzes in so late, with not so much as a phone call to let us know where you were--"

"Here we go."

"We worry about you, Relly. Anything could happen."

"I was just out with Fay. My phone was on. You could have gotten hold of me if you wanted."

"That's not the point."

"No, I know. The point is I did the wrong thing again, and you have to point it out in front of everyone."

I glared at Mom, daring her to keep arguing. She was ready to do just that, but Dad interrupted first.

"Why don't I handle this," he said, wiping his mouth and standing up.

Mom muttered something too low for me to catch. I let Dad lead me away from the table. We got far enough to be out of earshot before he stopped us.

"I didn't mean to miss supper," I said quietly. "We got here a little late is all."

"I know, sweetie. It's ok."

"Well Mom doesn't seem to think so."

"Relly... you did start swearing at the dinner table."

I bit my lip and thought back. "I guess I did, huh."

"I think, and don't take this the wrong way, that you might have been expecting a fight...."

"And I got one," I finished for him.

Dad nodded. "Basically."

I sighed. "Ok. Maybe... maybe I've been a little too tense today."

"Would it help if I sent you to your room?"

I gave my father a quick hug. "Thanks, Dad."

"You're welcome." He stepped back and gave me a stern look. "Now you better go and... learn a lesson. Or something."

"Yes, Daddy."

For a moment I batted my eyes and swung my hands behind my back, acting the stereotypical daddy's little girl. Dad chuckled and gave me a gentle push in the direction of my room. I flounced away as he returned to the dining table.

****

It was only much later that I risked leaving my room. Whatever Dad had told Mom, she hadn't come looking for me before heading to bed. He'd done well running interference for me.

There was a plate of food waiting for me in the fridge. It was unclear who had made it up for me. Probably Mom. Even at her most annoyed she wouldn't want me to starve. And tonight hadn't been anywhere near that bad, really. I felt kind of bad about getting so pissy earlier.

The plan was to take my scavenged feast back to my room, but I was drawn to sounds coming from the living room. Denver was still up, and he was watching Gilmore Girls without me.

"You fucker," I said without preamble.

Denver paused the show. "What, 'cause I taunted you earlier?"

"Actually, I'd forgotten about that. You got me in trouble, you little shit."

"No, you got you in trouble. I merely aided and abetted." He hesitated. "Assuming that means what I think it means."

I sat down carefully on the couch. The last thing I wanted to do was spill any of my reheated dinner on it. It was too new a piece of furniture for food to be allowed on it yet, and there'd be hell to pay if I stained it somehow.

"I actually meant watching without me. That's breaking the social contract of watching a show together."

Denver looked from me to the screen, then back again. "But you've seen it already."

"So what?"

"I... don't know. Sorry? I guess?"

"You better be."

I started eating. Denver still didn't start the show up again. I raised my eyebrow at him and waited to see if there was more.

"Are you ok?" he asked after a moment of struggling with whether or not to say anything.

"Sure. I'm fine."

"Really?"

"You don't believe me?"

Denver shrugged. "Ok. Whatever. Sorry for caring."

He started the show going again, cutting off any retort I might have made. That was fine. It was probably better not to turn it into an argument. Besides, I was starving and I wanted to focus on eating.

For a while, that's all I did was eat. I followed along with the show somewhat, and I knew the episode well enough that nothing I missed really mattered. It was only once my ravenous hunger was sated that I started drifting into other areas of thought. While I toyed with the last of my late supper, I also started sneaking peeks at my brother.

Denver was wholly engrossed in the show, which was good. There was no need for him to be perving on me again like last night. But then, was that even what he'd been doing? Seeing him in his underwear had done weird things to me, and maybe that's all it was for him too. The circumstances were very different, though. I didn't have a penis to stick out and be all gross and distracting and shit.

I took my dishes to the kitchen once the episodes was over. I felt much better with a full tummy than when I'd been empty-stomached and anxious in my room earlier. Somewhat surprisingly, Denver followed me to the kitchen shortly after. He wasn't chasing me as I first suspected, but rather headed directly to the fridge and pulled a tub of ice cream out of the small freezer area.

"Want some?" Denver asked as he got a bowl out of the cupboard.

"Um... maybe just a little," I said after some thought.

"How much is that?"

"Like, probably half... no, a third of whatever you're gonna have."

"You act like you know me or something."

Denver scooped himself a larger portion than I would have taken even if I hadn't just finished a meal. The bowl he scooped for me was much more reasonable, though was probably closer to half his than the third I'd revised down to.

"Thanks," I said.

"You're welcome." Denver put the ice cream container back in the freezer. "More Gilmore Girls?"

"Sounds good."

Denver and I sat on our separate ends of the couch, ice cream in our laps, and watched some more whimsical shenanigans. I took small spoonfuls and savoured every bite of my dessert. More than that, I enjoyed just hanging out with my brother. It was a totally normal sibling thing to do, albeit somewhat on the idealized end of the scale. It was the sort of thing I needed after a stressful day.

"Are you still eating that?"

I looked over at Denver. I was confused until I saw that he was done his ice cream already. My bowl was still half full.

"How are you done already?" I demanded.

"You eat super slow."

"No. You eat super fast."

"The rest of your ice cream's half-melted already. You're slow. Case closed."

I scooped up some melty ice cream and licked it off my spoon. "Mmm. Still delicious."

"Yeah, whatever."

I kept licking and making noises of appreciation while Denver tried to keep up with the action on screen. His gaze flicked over to me frequently, so I knew he wasn't succeeding at ignoring me.

"You know," he said after a moment, "what you're doing is starting to seem like something different from what you're going for."

"What?" I set my spoon back in my bowl and frowned. "What does that mean?"

"It means... shit, I don't want to have to explain this."

"Explain what, dammit?"

"You're licking and moaning, Relly. Figure it out."

"Oh, ew! Ew ew ew." I set my bowl on the table beside me and scooted to the middle of the couch to get even further from it. I pulled my feet up and wrapped my arms around my legs in a protective ball. "Why'd you have to say that? That's gross."

"You were the one doing it. I can't help it."

"Yeah, but... I didn't mean that. God, ew. You know I didn't mean that."

"I know."

Denver put his arm around me and pulled me to his shoulder. I gladly accepted the gesture of comfort. I needed it now that I'd made myself feel so dirty. Licking and moaning? Goddamn, what was I thinking? Maybe Fay was onto something with all her worrying that I was too sheltered. She wouldn't have done something so suggestive unless she specifically meant to.

For a while Denver held me in a sort of half-hug. I relaxed more and more against him until I was fully snuggled up with my big brother. It was a secure, comforting position for me. It got even better when Denver started running his fingers through my hair.

It seemed like Denver didn't realize what he was doing at first. He started out just moving his hand from my shoulder to my neck and toying with the ends of my hair. He gradually got bolder until his fingers were gliding over my scalp and entwining with my hair. It felt amazing. Unfortunately, once he became fully aware of just how intimate it was getting, he stopped. His hand dropped back to a more respectable position on my shoulder.

"Don't stop," I said quietly.

"I don't know, Relly. I kinda, like... I didn't mean--"

"Don't care. Keep going."

Nothing happened, and I thought my brother had been scared off. It was, perhaps, a little too intimate a gesture for our relationship. We didn't really get too close most of the time, and now more then ever I felt the ache of opportunities missed. I craved his caring, protective touch, and I regretted not seeking it out more.

Then, after I'd given up hope, Denver went back to my hair and his fingers ran through it once more. I sighed happily and nestled into his embrace. We spent the rest of the episode cuddled together. I greedily sapped my brother's love and body heat, using them to restore my emotional deficiencies.

I was nearly asleep by the end of the episode. I was listening to Denver's heartbeat more than I was paying attention to dialogue. Its rhythmic pulse against my cheek lulled me into a sleepy and vulnerable state.

"You still awake?" Denver whispered.

"Barely."

Denver's volume rose back to normal. "Good enough. You done for the night?"

"Probably I should be, I guess. I'm very comfy here, though."

"You're saying I'm a good pillow?"

"The very finest. I'll be sure to leave a glowing review online. Five stars."

Denver chuckled, and the movement was jarring after him being still for so long. I reluctantly sat up and leaned against the back of the couch instead of my brother. His face still held an amused expression, and his eyes shone far brighter than I felt they should have given the lighting. I could have lost myself in those eyes.

"Relly? Why are you looking at me like that?"

I turned away quickly. "Nothing. No reason."

"No, come on. If there's--"

"I have to pee."

Denver's forehead crinkled, and he tilted his head. "Ok, sure. But... nevermind."

I was already off the couch and walking swiftly out of the room. This day just kept getting weirder. Every time I felt I was in control, something happened to make me realize I wasn't.

Denver was still in the living room when I got back from the bathroom. He had reclined his end of the couch and had stretched out his full length from headrest to footstool.

"I didn't know if you were coming back," he said.

"Maybe I shouldn't have. I'm... not really sure."

"Something's going on with you. I don't know what it is, and you don't seem to want to talk about it, but there's something."

I brushed some hair back behind my ear. "You're not wrong."

"But you're not going to tell me what it is."

I squirmed under my brother's intense stare. "It's embarrassing."

"I won't laugh. Promise."

"Ok, but... I still don't think I can say."

"Alright. I tried. Are you staying up for a while still, or are you off to bed?"