Oh Brother

"Okay, from the beginning."

"I got a call from your parents about 30 minutes ago," explained Tara. "They had just been notified that Michael's convoy was attacked by rebels in some valley. The vehicle he was traveling in was hit. He didn't make it."

I was immediately suspicious of my parent's motives. It was kind of sad, really, that I thought like that.

"And why did they decide to share this information. What do they want?"

"Mostly, Henry, they wanted you to know. Your dad said they understand they were wrong to minimize what happened with me and Michael. He was your only brother and they know you didn't like him very much. They have no expectations of you coming there or anything. They seemed to hope it might lead you to let go of some anger, maybe do some healing."

I looked in my baby's eyes. Jamie and I certainly had plans for more of these little angels. We've been talking about having at least 3 and maybe 4. I had vowed when Jamie got pregnant that I would never do to my kids what mom had done to me and Michael. But I realized I couldn't be the example I needed to be, the father I needed to be, by hanging on to this anger I had for my now-dead brother. I had to let it go.

I looked up from Roni's little blue eyes and into those of my beautiful wife. She gave me a little smile and a nod; like she knew where my mind was leaning and that it was okay.

"Tara, you'll need to arrange some time off. Let them know a family member that was a war hero is coming home for burial and you shouldn't have any problems. Baby, you look into flights to take us back home. I'm going to head over to HR and see about a short leave of absence."

Jamie walked over to me and gently put her arms around me, hugging our baby at the same time. She looked into my eyes.

"It's the right thing to do, baby. I would have supported you no matter what you decided to do, but you made the right choice."

I hoped she was right.

<><><><><>

Since I had nothing that couldn't be handled in my absence and because it was a dead marine coming home I had no problems getting time off. Tara had the same experience at the hospital she had been working at. Jamie was a stay-at-home mom so we were all set.

Mom and dad greeted us at the airport. They looked haggard, like they hadn't slept well. This was the first time they had seen their granddaughter in person and mom took control of the baby immediately. I hoped Roni could provide her a little comfort.

Death has a way of washing over old hurts and wounds. When I first heard Tara say that Michael had been killed suddenly none of the other stuff mattered. It was horrible to go through at the time but it simply didn't compare to the finality of death and continuing to hold on to those feelings was doing no one any good.

Jamie, Tara, and I took turns hugging each of my folks. Nothing was said beyond basic greetings at this point. I headed to the rental counter and picked up our car. We had brought our infant seat on the plane and it installed easily into the rental as well. Jamie rode in the back seat with Veronica and mom rode in the passenger seat, while Tara rode with dad in their car.

We got back to the house and settled in. Jamie and I had reserved a hotel, mostly for nights so the baby could sleep but also in case I needed someplace to escape to. Tara was bunking in Michael's old room. Dad's sister and mom's brother and their spouses would be arriving tomorrow.

Jamie and Tara took the baby over to the hotel to get our things settled and leaving me alone with 2 people I had no intention of seeing or speaking to ever again. Mom spoke first.

"Henry, thank you for coming. I know things have been bad since the thing with Tara so I want you to know I appreciate you being here."

"No use holding a grudge against him anymore, I guess. It's a good thing Tara kept in touch."

"Can we try and put this behind us, Henry? You're the only son I have left now. I want to change things for us and I want to be in my granddaughter's life."

"I won't keep you from your grandchildren, mom, but for you and me it will be more difficult. I was put behind Michael every time and either you don't realize it or just don't want to acknowledge it. I don't know, but I'm not going to keep subjecting myself to the 'you're not Michael' stuff again."

"You're absolutely right, Henry. I had...an overly optimistic view of Michael. It was finally brought to my attention when you left us behind."

"What do your mean by 'brought to your attention'?"

She glanced over at my father and he looked back at her but he remained silent as always.

"Henry, I know you probably think your father was a weak man, but nothing could be further from the truth. Do not mistake his kindness for weakness. He tried to always be kind to me, and perhaps he took that to extremes sometimes in supporting me when it came to you boys."

"I think that's an understatement, mom, but go on."

"After you left, your father and I had a terrible fight. He pointed out that I had driven you away by always favoring Michael and with you our best chance at grandchildren. Michael wasn't the settling down sort. I'm sure you know that. Tara probably came closest to taming him. They seemed so good together and I let that blind me to what he had done to you. I guess I was always blind when it came to Michael. I'm sure my words ring hollow at this point, now that Michael is gone, but I'm very sorry for how I treated you, son. I have no excuse for it. You've always been a good, strong, young man with integrity and I didn't appreciate it. I hope that one day you can forgive me."

Mom was trying hard to hold back the tears being shed for the combination of Michael's death and her realization of how she had harmed our relationship. I moved over and sat next to her.

"Mom, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm still angry with everything I had to put up with, but I appreciate how difficult it was for you to apologize. I can't say everything is better, but it's good first step."

I hugged my mom for the first time in a long time.

<><><><><>

Within a couple of days the family had gathered and was either staying at the house or in nearby hotels. Mom and dad, as well as all the other older relatives, spent a lot of quality time with Roni, and I think Jamie appreciated the respite.

We finally got word that Michael's body had been returned to the US and they were in the process of completing the transfer to the nearest base for the final transfer home. No matter what else Michael was, he was a man that sacrificed himself in defense of our country and for our freedom and I would always respect him for that.

When Michael was finally taking his final plane ride, we all dressed in our finest and drove, along with our military escort, to the base to claim his body. Say what you will about the military but they don't skimp on the ceremony.

Finally the plane arrived and we were notified that Michael's casket was being offloaded. Dad, Uncle Frank (mom's brother), Uncle William (dad's sister's husband) and I were brought forward to serve as the pallbearers for the brief carry to the military hearse. The military will provide soldiers if needed but we chose to have it done by family.

I asked the other gentleman for a moment alone with Michael before we took possession of the casket and they waited a respectful distance away. I ran my hand over the smooth surface. I knew that inside Michael's remains were not fit to be viewed, and I felt a tinge of sadness, mostly for mom because she loved him so much, maybe even too much. I leaned toward the casket, so mere inches separated my face from it, and spoke quietly.

"You were a son of a bitch, bro, and nothing will change that. But you were still my brother. I hope this finds you in a better place, and that you strive to earn that place, wherever you are. I thank you for your sacrifice, and your niece will grow up knowing her uncle gave his all to protect her world."

I called my family forward and we pulled the casket from the conveyor belt that had taken it from the airplane and loaded it into the car. I glanced at mom and she was crying unabated and even Jamie and Tara had tears running down their cheeks. There were dozens of people there that day but the only sounds to be heard were the nearby birds and the wind in the trees.

<><><><><>

The next few days were spent in memory of Michael. I did my best to participate, even trying to laugh at some of the things Michael did that I was the victim of and brushing them off as brotherly antics that ultimately went too far.

It arrived on the last day we were scheduled to be there. Since my family didn't know my address, it had been mailed to mom and dad's house with a request that they try to find some way to get it to me. It was a letter from Michael.

Dad handed me the well-worn envelope. Mail service from overseas took a while, and from the dates we found it had been mailed 2 days before the attack that ended Michael's life. I stared at it for a long time. Frankly I was afraid to open it. Knowing Michael as I did I was sure it was some rant about what a punk I was for running away from my family and how I should just suck it up and deal with losing my girl to the better man. I had actually managed to generate some fond memories and feelings for him over the last several days and I didn't want to ruin it. As always it was my darling wife that set me on the right path.

"It's his last words to his family, honey, and more specifically to you. No matter what it says you have to open it. You know your baby and I will be here to support you no matter what."

I turned to Jamie and gave her several short kisses on her lips. She was right, of course. We went into my former bedroom and I slit open the envelope.

Henry, my brother,

I spent a long time thinking about how to start this letter but never really came up with anything special. Smarts was always your department anyway.

I've been thinking about what happened a lot. For what it's worth I really did feel something special for her. I didn't set out to be with my brother's girlfriend; I really did feel that connection and I was in love. Of course I screwed that up just like I did everything else

Later, part of me reasoned that I had done you a favor. Hadn't I helped by showing you who she was, I thought to myself. I know: what an asshole. You're right; I was, and probably still am, but I hope to change that.

I decided to write this letter because I needed to say some things to you. I was out on a patrol the other day and we came under fire. A couple of guys were wounded and we were outgunned. But none of us ever thought about retreating because our unit was there for each other in the face of death. We were a band of brothers and that was what we did.

When we got back and were debriefed it was like a light bulb went on in my head. Here I was in a foreign country willing to lay down my life for the guys in my unit, but I had just months ago done the unforgiveable to my own real brother. I treated these guys better than I treated you. I regret that more than I can express.

Henry, you probably don't believe this, but I love you. I was the older brother and I thought I was supposed to treat you like crap, but I hope you know that I didn't let anyone else do that.

Do you remember that fight I got into at school where I ended up getting in-school suspension for 3 days? I told you it was because Vince had said something about my girlfriend. The truth is they were talking crap about you and that wasn't okay. I don't tell you this so you'll suddenly think I'm so great. But when I rotate home again I'd like to see if we can rebuild our relationship, and I want you secure in the knowledge that I know I was wrong and can admit it.

I got a chance to meet Tara's sister, Jamie, when she came to town. I heard you guys got married and that I'm an uncle to a little girl. I can't wait to meet her. I would be a crappy father but I know you'll be the best one ever. I'm glad you could give mom and dad grandchildren knowing I probably never will. Try to forgive them.

Thank you for reading this. I know you probably thought about just tossing it without opening it, and I would have deserved that. Take care of yourself, and your beautiful wife and daughter. You're the finest man I've ever known.

Love Michael

Tears were streaming down my face as I finished the letter. At some point Jamie had wrapped her arms around me and the baby had fallen asleep on the bed next to me. I turned and took Jamie in my arms and hugged her for what seemed like forever.

We put off our return to home for a few more days as we worked on rebuilding our family a little bit more. I finally relented and gave mom and dad my address so we can write and so they can some visit their grandchild. It was the right thing to do and Jamie, as always, gave me her full support. Thank God for her.

<><><><><>

Our flight landed at 9:37pm and by the time we got back to our apartment we were all exhausted. We put the baby to bed in her crib and then Jamie and I stripped and crawled into bed. Jamie fell asleep quickly but I couldn't seem to drop off. I lay there for a couple hours until Jamie apparently woke and saw my eyes open.

"Have you slept at all?"

"No, baby, I can't seem to."

"What's bothering you?"

"I wish I knew. The trip back home went better than I could possibly have expected. Everything is going great. I have a beautiful woman that I love more than life itself, a perfect healthy baby that I love just as much, and a great job. Everything is perfect, and yet here I lay unable to get to sleep."

"Maybe you're scared."

I turned my head to look directly into her eyes.

"Scared of what?"

Jamie rolled her naked body up on top of mine. Her warmth felt so good, not to mention the feeling of her breasts on my chest and her legs entwined with mine.

"You've told me before that something always seems to go wrong in your life. You just said yourself that things are perfect. I think you're scared of something going wrong."

"You may be right. I guess I am worried about something happening but I don't have anything I'm specifically afraid of."

"Baby, life isn't perfect. Things will go wrong. The car will break down, or Roni will get sick, or whatever. All we can do is enjoy the good we have now and deal with the bad when it comes along."

"You're right, baby. Thank you for being my voice of reason. I love you."

"I love you too, baby. Now that we have that settled, I'd like you to make love to me; sweet, gentle, tender love. We can start practicing for when we're ready to give Roni a baby brother or sister."

She brought her lips to mine, and that's precisely what we did.

<><><><><>

fin