Oh, Brother! And Sister!

Several times recently I've had reason to be thankful for my siblings. Thankful for their kindness, but also simply thankful for the way our relationships have evolved over the years to bring us to this point. We can talk now. We can share things about how we grew up and how it affected us, help each other see the lessons in where we came from. It didn't always used to be this way, far from it.

I think it would be safe to say that as children, my sister and I did not get along at all and I simply didn't interact with my brothers much. They were all so much older than myself. But as adults we didn't let ourselves or our relationships remain static. We talked, we communicated and we made things better. It didn't magically happen on it's own. It took time and saying the things we're all afraid to say. We had to lay our cards on the table and trust that the other wasn't playing a game. I've read that the number one fear men have is rejection. I'd say that's probably tops for women too.

I believe that relationships with family are a love bond that also often falls prey to that fear of rejection, which holds us back from expressing ourselves. But if we don't communicate honestly, we tend to read between the lines and everything gets confused. We assume we know what the other is saying and end up putting words in their mouth and attributing thoughts to them that aren't theirs. Our imagination runs away with us.

I'm not sure my sister and I could have worked through these things face to face. When we tried to we ended up frustrated and arguing angrily instead of resolving things. In the end, we wrote long e-mail letters to each other. It gave us time to react. I would read her letter and get really angry then wait to respond. Siblings know how to push your buttons. The people who you love the most have the most power to hurt you. Some suggest we should be able to be the most free with those we love, and I agree, but you can't be careless. You have to take the most care with them and be the most considerate and also the most forgiving.

One technique I learned that really helped was to sandwich hard to hear statements between statements acknowledging someone else's good intentions. When I had to ask my sister to stop doing something, I'd first acknowledge her good intentions in why she was doing it.

I also learned that how you view people is important. I could choose to view my sister as a cruel person or I could choose to view her as a good person who was hurting and making mistakes. There were times when I had to dig deep and look for the good to hold onto.

Siblings often share things; toys, clothes, music CDs, hair or eye color. Tastes can end up being among the things they share. My sister and I showed up one Christmas in the same exact long black wool coat from the same store. How did that come about? I think it was a combination of things. It was from a store our mother had always shopped at and so we did too. We also have similar body types, small waist and big hips, so we shop to suit that. Nature and nurture, going hand in hand.

Siblings share something much more important than things though. Siblings share a history. We view that history from different perspectives though. We can help each other understand our history and it's influence on our present if we put those perspectives together. We may each have a part of a story and when we put it together, it can help makes us feel whole in the present.

It can be really hard when the other person refuses to even acknowledge that something happened. Having parents do that is so very disconcerting. Having siblings that remember it the same way you do is helpful in validating your experience, a very good reason to keep those communication lines open. I've chosen to see that refusal to acknowledge past transgressions as a regret, if not an actual apology. It has helped me make peace with the past. Explaining that to my sister helper her a little too.

A few years back there was a commercial which said that your siblings will probably be the longest relationship of your life. It's true, but not always easy to deal with. I think it's a relationship worth investing time and energy in. When it's not working, take a break. Heck, take a long break while somebody learns some life lessons, but don't give up. People do learn and they do grow. Sometimes it can be hard to acknowledge that potential in someone you always see as five years older or younger than yourself, but it's so worth it.