On a Park Bench in March

"Don't be so hard on yourself, I bought it too." She said with resignation.

"He even convinced me to keep his name out of it as he was worried about his job."

We both finally let go of each other's hand and sat back, pondering the revelations we had each just made.

"I wanted to talk to you so many times." I said quietly, I don't really know if I was talking to her or to myself.

"Why didn't you?"

"You lawyer was crazy, I tried once and the next thing I knew I had a restraining order served to me at work. At work of all places, I just assumed it was your doing!" I spat out, still mad over it, but then I had another thought. "Where did you get her anyway?"

"Bill!"

My head dropped into my hands. "Fuck he was good!"

"What?"

"Bill set me up with my attorney, he must have found two lawyers that absolutely hated each other!"

Cammie sat there stunned again by the amount of planning that Bill had done.

"But the one thing I don't understand is why, how could splitting us up help him?" I asked before it hit me. "Was he after you?"

"No, he never made any move on me, he had a different agenda."

"What could he want then?"

"Simple, as I look back on it now, as soon as it was done, he kept telling me how I needed to move away for a fresh start."

"All of this just to get you out of town!"

"Yes, then he would get my job and he could continue stealing from the company. When I didn't leave he had to start a campaign against me."

"Jesus Christ!"

Again we sat quietly trying to absorb it all before yet another thought came to me. "Did you send me your name change paperwork?"

She looked at me for a moment before it came to her what I was talking about. "No, but I had it at the office, I needed it for HR and he probably copied it."

I just sighed and she picked up on it. "Mark, I never asked for that, my attorney just did it and I went along with it."

I just nodded, not understanding why that seemed to hurt so much.

"So ... Don?" I asked, just feeling the need to get an answer.

Still sniffling, she shook her head. "Mark, Don's a guy, and just like a guy, he made a suggestive comment to me once and I cut him off immediately. He never even got close to being a problem again. When he met Tara, it was love at first sight, they got together and became my best friends. As I said, without them, I would have been lost."

"I guess I just had to ask."

"I understand." She replied quietly.

I leaned back into the bench, trying to make sense of all of this. It had to be true, that's what the facts said, but was it? Could Bill have really pulled this off, could he have been that devious, that calculating? The planning and execution of this deception seemed ... well, just simply beyond belief.

But then I did believe it, I knew for an absolute fact that I was telling the truth even though I guess if I was honest, I still had a little doubt about her. But then it struck me, she had to feel the same. What irony I thought, both of us believing ourselves and questioning the other, which is what made this all work for Bill in the first place!

Okay then, I did believe her, so the next question was obvious. Could I forgive her? Forgive her, but for what? She didn't cheat on me and so the whole moving out, the ugly last fight and the divorce was all just ... well, just nothing. But it was, and therein laid the problem. The things that we said, the things that we did, they did matter. She threw something at me, tried to hurt me.

Thinking of the fight made her words that night suddenly connect. "Go ahead, you'll never hurt me more than you already have!" Now, I understood. I had hurt her because she thought I was having an affair, but what was worse was that at that instant I was about to strike her.

My head drooped a little as I realized that forgiving her was the easy part, but how in the hell was I ever going to forgive myself. My wife, my lover and most of all, my best friend; and I had cursed her and shouted at her like she was a dog and worst of all, I raised my hand to her. No, I didn't strike her, but I wanted to and that made me sick to my stomach!

Why didn't I listen, why didn't I question things, why, why, why? So many why's and yet all answered simply, my male fucking pride. The idea that she would cheat on me hurt my pride and made me furious, so furious that I threw away everything I loved.

The sadness that I felt for the past years now reached its lowest point as I realized the answer to the one question that I was sure we were both contemplating. Does it matter? For the first time since I laid my ring on that picture, I felt tears well up in my eyes as I knew that it really didn't. The words, the fight, the bitter divorce, the hatred that developed in each of us for the other is the final answer to that question. The hardening of the heart just can't be undone. I peeked at her and saw the tears in her eyes and knew that we had both gone through the same analysis and come to the same conclusion, what's done is done and it's best if we both just move on with our lives. Best, yes best for both of us, my mind told me.

I peered out into the distance and I heard her take a deep breath and my stomach clenched as I knew we are about to have our last words ... again.

"Ten years ago we sat here and I was so scared of all the bad things that could come in my future. Everything from not graduating, not getting a job, failing at my chosen profession, all the way up to becoming homeless." I barely heard her voice, soft and full of tears.

I agreed with just a nervous chuckle and a nod of my head.

I felt more than saw her turn to me as she finished. "I never in my worst nightmares saw this one coming."

All I could do is just nod again, what words could I say to make this better. There were none and we both knew it.

I could tell she is becoming more emotional as the seconds pass and she seems to come to a decision and gets to her feet. I barely hit mine as she starts talking. "Mark, just know that I am so very sorry for all this and I hope that the next ten years and beyond is better for you. "

I am still trying to process her words when she turned and walked off. "Same to you Cammie." I mutter at her back and I know how inadequate it is.

As I watch her walk away, I know now that my thoughts of a few minutes ago were so very wrong. I have hit a new low in grief. My mind quickly runs through the same thoughts I just had, the yelling, the screaming, the fight, and the bitter divorce, what's done is done ... isn't it?

My head drops to my chest and I can feel tears in my eyes when suddenly I hear an old friend. It has been silent this whole time while my mind analyzed all the information that came to me in the last couple of hours. Quiet while I heard the story, weighed the evidence and then made a calculated decision to move on with my life. But for some reason, with my eyes on the ground, it spoke as clearly and strongly as it did ten years ago this very day. DO NOT LET HER WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE, STUPID!

I jerked my head up and saw her still in sight; ten years ago, I took a chance, do I take it again?

YES, my heart screams and I run down the sidewalk after her. She must have heard me because she stops and turns and I pull up in front of her. Her face is covered with tears and her eyes are dim and I want more than anything to bring light back into them.

She is waiting for me to say something but I have gotten here too fast and I'm not prepared. She is standing there with her arms wrapped around her, hugging herself, just waiting. The seconds tick off and it hits me. "Would you like to go out with me tonight? Not like, Hey Baby its spring break lets grab a six pack and PARRRRRTY! But more like ... Cameron, would you accompany me to dinner this evening?"

I see a slight amusement in her face as the recognition comes but then I see her head gently shake side to side and I feel my world start to cave in around me.

"I'm sorry Mark, I can't do it all again." She says quietly.

Once again, my mind has taken control and is flashing 'idiot' at me but at the same time my heart is saying, 'look close, just look close'. I decide that I can't be any more miserable than I am in this moment, so I look deep into her eyes as she is slowly shaking her head.

I catch it! It's a spark, just a tiny one, but I see it. "All what?" I ask cautiously.

The spark grows just a bit. "Buying a new dress, out to dinner, up to my room, not making love until we're sure, the countless dates, the arguments, the great make-up sex, the insecurities, slowly building a relationship, not again, it's all too much" She says and I can see just a hint of a smile through the tears.

"Can't do it, huh?" I say, keeping the conversation going and trying to buy time while I figure out what the hell she's up to!

"No", she answers, "I'm just too old for all of that, I just don't have time!" She says and the light is growing.

"Hmmmm" I say with all the drama I can muster. "We seem to be at an impasse, here!" What does she want? Was I wrong to chase her? If so, why are we still talking?

"Yes we are!" she answers a bit louder, "whatever shall we do?" The tears have stopped and she can't hide the grin that is starting to spread.

I'm rubbing my chin, trying to appear deep in thought but I actually am. Inside a battle is raging, my mind is trying to process information while my heart is telling me to dive in. Suddenly I look up and snap my fingers and add in a loud and dramatic fashion. "I'VE GOT IT!"

She can't contain herself and the tears have stopped and a smile is out, a smile I realize I have missed so badly. "Can I hear this wondrous solution to our dilemma?"

I can't hide it anymore and I know my face has a huge grin. "Of course, we just have to skip over all that drama!"

She shows a bit of surprise and I can tell I have her puzzled. "And where do we skip to?"

I hear caution in my head but I dismiss it, I can tell by her eyes that she is ready to come with me to my room but the words she spoke just seconds ago burn through me. I'm too old for that she said and she's right, we are too old for that and I'll be damned if I am going to let another day pass as we get older!

My mouth is dry and I can just barely talk but I clear my throat the best I can and I hear my voice falter as I speak. "How about to here?"

With those words I seal my fate and go to my knee. I hear her take a huge breath and looking up, I see her eyes flash open wide. This time my voice is strong and clear, I want her to hear how sure I am of these words, because I have never been surer of any in my life. "Cammie, I have loved you since the day on that park bench exactly ten years ago today and even with all that we have been through, I have never been able to let you go. If you give me this one chance to make all this right, I swear that I will love you to the day I die and NOTHING and NO ONE will ever come between us again. Cameron Elizabeth Hamilton, will you marry me ... again?"

I can see the shock in her eyes now and I know that this isn't what she expected. I can see the struggles going on between her mind and her heart, just as mine were a minute ago, but then I see my answer before I hear it. Her eyes go from twinkling to blazing in an instant!

"Yes, yes I will marry you ... again." She says softly.

Leaping to my feet, I grab her and pull her into a deep kiss. The feel of her arms around my neck makes me know that what I have done is right. I pull my mouth away from hers and just hug her to me as tight as I can, I know that I will never let her go ... NEVER, EVER, EVER, AGAIN!

We hug and kiss over and over until I finally pull back a bit. "Let's go home." I say quietly.

"Yes, home" she replies in a whisper as she turns and we join hands and take a couple of steps, but then something stops me.

Slowly and gently, I guide her back to face the small park on the edge of the ocean. I stare at the empty bench. It sits there silently as it did hours before when I sat down on it. I can't help but wonder if such a cold, hard object could ever understand its huge place in our lives.

I look over at my past and future wife, my best friend, and I can tell that she has picked up on my thinking, as she too stares at the lonely bench. Seemingly with her thoughts and mine, once again in perfect harmony, she looks to me and gives me a smile and a subtle nod. I have the answer to the question; I didn't even need to ask it out loud.

"See you in ten years old friend." I say serenely as we turn back around and head off to our future, again.

The End