On Reflection

"When Brad moved in with me, to sleep in the bed you and I shared for all those years, I was so angry that I permitted it. We spent the weekends together when you had the kids. I was humiliated and ashamed when you spoke to me that day Jase saw me with Brad and I realized what I was doing was wrong. The shame was only made worse when Brad decided to use a motel room instead, but I continued to meet him. That was when I lost the dignity that I had tried so hard to maintain when I thought you had betrayed me for another woman."

"To make it so much worse, Brad was a terrible lover and all I could do was compare him to you. For your information, and because I owe you the truth, he was awful and I never enjoyed it. Why I continued I don't understand. I guess I was lonely and felt betrayed. I think now it was only a foolish way for me to try to get some revenge."

I pushed the plate of pizza away from me, the smell almost causing my nausea to return. I had to continue this, do it once and for all. Make it through before my courage failed me.

"It was just last weekend when you had the kids that I got a phone call from Harold Pierce, the man at Capitol Investigations. You remember them: the PI report that documented your betrayal of us? The report that produced those dramatic pictures of you and that woman? The report that convinced the judge that your claims were just nonsense? Do you remember that report?"

I was almost yelling now, the pain and the anger gripping me again, just as it had when he called. My throat closed up and I could hardly speak I was so furious at the injustice of what I learned. Bill stood and reached for me but I angrily waved him back.

"No! I have to do this! I have to!" I took a deep breath, held it and then exhaled noisily. I continued.

"It was all a sham, a pack of lies! Brad paid him to create those pictures and to doctor the report and make it look authentic! Brad paid him! Brad did it all just to take me away from you! And he succeeded! He succeeded because I failed to trust you! Don't you see? It was all my fault! I destroyed our marriage by my failure to believe in you.

"The foolish man called me to ask for an additional thousand dollars that Brad owed him. Brad told him that he and I were in agreement to fake the report and the pictures. He had a tape of Brad making the request to fabricate the report and he claimed that I was aware and in agreement. It was nothing but a con that Brad used to take me away. Just a lie. It was all a damned lie and I found out because Brad was killed that day in that stupid car accident. I now thank God that he was!

"The day I learned all of this was the day the children called you because I was so sick. I was sick at heart but the pain was enough to bring me down. That's why I had you leave so quickly. I couldn't stand to face you and I couldn't stand for you to look at me, knowing I had failed you and betrayed you in my anger."

I did it! I made it all the way through. I had given Bill the truth so that he could know that I believed him now, that I knew without doubt that he had never betrayed me. But it was also true that he knew how I betrayed him. It was all over now. Bill could go on with our children knowing that he had my trust but now he knew that I had fucked Brad repeatedly while we were separated. I had betrayed my marriage vows to Bill long before our marriage was terminated. We were separated but not divorced. I had betrayed him and now I knew I didn't even have the justification of revenge!

I was exhausted, the truth and the emotional toll it demanded of me to tell Bill took more from me than I expected. I was drenched with sweat, my face pale and my hands shaking with emotion. I reached for the forgotten Pepsi to quench my parched throat.

"So, now you know it all. That Brad betrayed both of us, and that you never failed me while I did fail you. It was so easy for him and I was so ready to accept the lie. What does that say about me? I don't want to think about it. Just know that I never stopped loving you even when I was convinced that you had cheated on me. I never stopped Bill, I never stopped!"

I stood, looked at Bill who was sitting there, quiet now. He seemed to be deep in thought. I decided to take this reprieve to say,

"Please keep the twins until Sunday evening as usual. I can't see them right now. I'm sorry Bill. I'm so very, very sorry for all I put you through. I hope some day you'll be able to forgive me. Goodnight."

I turned and ran up the stairs to the bedroom where I seemed to be spending more and more of my time lately. I heard Bill call through the door that he was leaving but I didn't respond. I wanted to be by myself. It was only now that I realized that I had destroyed all the good things in my life. I had been a fool, a gullible fool to allow Brad to lead me by the nose as he did, and I deserved what I got now. I deserved nothing less!

Bill brought the twins home that Sunday evening at the proper time and I had a light dinner waiting. He came in with them; just to be sure I was OK. I smiled at him, but didn't stay to talk. I walked back into the kitchen, Bill standing there in the foyer watching me until I was out of sight. He left, calling a goodnight to the twins as he left.

Two weeks passed in which I worked very hard to get the twins to talk to me, to tell me what they were doing and how they were getting along. It seemed that it had been forever since I just talked to them and took a real interest in what they were doing. Up till then, I was feeling sorry for myself, put upon by the death of my lover, the destruction of my marriage and anything else I could feel some self pity about. Now, I was determined to make myself get back into the world of the living. My kids came first.

I was discussing something with them when they reminded me that Bill was coming to pick them up that Saturday morning. I had almost forgotten until then and the thought of Bill brought a wave of pain; pain for all I had lost. I fought it back and told them that was fine and that I would be sure they had all they needed. Jase wanted his favorite shirt clean and Jenny wanted a change of shorts for the park. I promised that both would be ready. They seemed pleased that I was taking an interest again and we talked about what they were going to do. Apparently Bill had promised them a trip to the planetarium to see a new diorama that was just being introduced. It sounded wonderful and I told them so. I envied them this time with their dad.

I had them ready, their small bags packed with their special requests and made sure they each had last minute instructions on how to behave. I knew it was not necessary as they always behaved for their father but it gave me some sense of normalcy. And they seemed to like it as they smiled and fidgeted good naturedly while assuring me they would behave.

I was pleased at the ease with which we were now getting along. It seemed that when I bared my soul to Bill and told him what I did, I regained some of my own pride and self-respect. It wasn't easy but it was very worthwhile. I felt a huge sense of relief and pleasure which seemed to be apparent to my children. At least they were responding to me now where before, there was more resentment.

I waited with them until Bill's car pulled into our driveway. I opened the door and watched them run to the car where Bill stood waiting. He got them inside, made sure they were buckled up and then, surprising me as well as the twins, he walked up the driveway toward me. I waited, wondering what he wanted to say. I had no expectations but I was curious. I felt maybe we had entered a new phase in our relationship: possible friends? But I suspected even that was too much to hope for.

"Good morning Wendy. Are you feeling better now? I know it was very hard for you, what you said to me that day. I just wanted to let you know that I realize that and to say thank you for doing it."

"I'm a lot better now. It was very hard but it was more painful to realize what I did and the harm it caused for all of us. But it's given me a great sense of peace now that you know that I know the truth."

"Thank you for that." Bill turned and started down the drive, then he stopped. I watched, curious as to what he had forgotten. Something else he wanted to say?

He turned, walked back to the bottom of the stairs and looked up at me. I waited, feeling the pleasant twinge in my stomach that I always felt when Bill looked at me that way. I could only wish it was the way he felt about me again, but that was too much to ask for. He opened his mouth once, shut it, swallowed, then spoke.

"Would you like to join us today? We're going to the planetarium and I know the twins would really like it if you came."

All I could do was sob, the tears welling up in my eyes and my throat closing with emotion. I swallowed, wiped my eyes and replied, "I would love to."

Epilogue

It's been almost a year since Bill invited me to join him and our twins for his weekends with them. It's not always that he does it, but often enough that I was beginning to hope for more. I know I don't deserve it but I can still hope that he can come to forgive me.

We spoke about it at length once and Bill was very kind to me. He understood why I was so convinced when he saw the pictures and read the report. He knew that both were fakes, but there was no way to convince me at that time since I thought they were real. And we now knew that Brad was the worst kind of predator, taking advantage of every possibility. He was driven by jealousy and envy. The problem was that while intellectually, Bill could understand my suspicions, his heart wasn't as forgiving. He said only that he was sorry I couldn't trust him more, especially when he told me that he was innocent.

I've done all I could to make him understand that even though I thought he was unfaithful to me, I never stopped loving him. I let him know that my time with Brad was not wonderful, that the sex with him was always unsatisfactory and that I continued to always compare him with Bill and that Brad always came off second best. In every way. As to dating, it was hopeless for me since I continued to compare them all to Bill. He hears me, he listens very intently, but he just shakes his head. I don't know what that means.

The one thing he did say during that talk was that if I still loved him as I said, why didn't I give our marriage another chance? Why couldn't I find it within my heart to forgive him for what I thought he did? I had no answer to that and that bothered me a lot. I finally concluded that Brad was manipulating me into not letting Bill back in my life. Bill agreed but still wondered why I was so eager to push him away.

I never ask Bill about his time away from me and the twins. During the week when we both work, there was no communication. We hadn't come to the point where we could pick up the phone and just chat as friends. We weren't real friends. We were a divorced couple who shared custody of their children and that was still our situation, even now. I tried in every way I knew to let Bill know that I was sorry and that, if given the chance, I would do all I could to repair the damage I did to our marriage. He seems to understand that and he sometimes says things that lead me to think that maybe, . . . Oh well, just maybe.

Things finally came to a conclusion one Sunday after Bill had returned with the twins from a day when he didn't ask me to join them. It was a long weekend for me, wondering what they were doing and why they didn't ask me to join them. I told myself that it was nothing, just Bill wanting to spend some quality time alone with them. I convinced myself of that by the time they came home. Bill stayed outside and soon left without saying goodbye or coming in to chat. I noticed that he was doing that more and more.

I spoke to Jase and Jenny that evening and casually asked them what they did that day. We were on good terms again, and we did often talk about their time with Bill. This time I caught the look that passed between Jase and Jenny before Jenny spoke.

"Mom, we talked it over between us and we have to say something. We promised dad that we wouldn't but we don't think that's fair to you cause we love both of you the same." She looked once more at her brother before continuing. "Dad has a girlfriend. Her name is Cindy and she's very nice. She has a daughter, Judy, who is our age and the five of us have been spending a lot of weekends together."

Jenny looked at Jase and he nodded. He picked up where Jenny stopped. I had stopped breathing, dreading what was coming.

"This weekend was a lot of fun. We went to a cabin at Lake Pontiac and spent the whole weekend there with Cindy and Judy. We think dad and Cindy were together at night but we aren't sure. They didn't say anything about it."

At this, Jase seemed to be embarrassed, but he swallowed and continued. I held my breath because I knew what was coming. I steeled myself, gripping my hands so tightly that my fingernails were digging into my palm. My throat was already tight and my eyes were beginning to blur with the tears that I just barely held back

"But dad did talk to Jenny and me and told us he wanted to ask Cindy to marry him. He wanted our opinion of that and to be sure how we felt about her. He said he would talk to you about it before he asked her."

There! It was done! It was over now, once and for all. My hopes and my prayers weren't answered. Even from the grave, Brad won. He destroyed Bill's love for me and left me behind with nothing but the ashes of fifteen years. He must be laughing now. He must think that he had accomplished his purpose. But the joke was on him. Bill was happy again! He had found someone else to replace me, someone who would believe in him. After all, wasn't I the one that refused to believe that he might be telling the truth?

And as I thought about it, I realized that I was the only one that lost. Brad destroyed me and my marriage, but not the man he hated and envied. Brad lost his life without knowing he had failed. How ironic.

I lost everything and the pain of my choice to believe Brad over Bill was mine to bear. The price for my betrayal and my lack of trust in my husband and my marriage was due in full.

All I could do now was pay that price.