Once Upon a Time (Potting Shed)

When Mandy dresses up and exposes the top of her breasts you could barely insert a fag paper in her cleavage, with Widder Collins you could lose a set of Encyclopaedia Britannicas.

I lifted my eyes from her tits to find her regarding me with her gap-toothed grin. Shit! I thought, caught out again! That happens to me all the bloody time. Mandy hates being in mixed company with me, which is why she never lets me go out with her, I guess.

"Play your cards right Solly," Maddy cooed, "And we could have this May-December thing going between us."

Don't know what the hell she was on about, that dumb Widder, don't she know it's only February?

Anyway, I said, "can't afford to chew the fat," regretting the words as soon as I said them. She didn't seem to take offence, though.

"This rain looks like it's in for the day," I said, "so I'll be on my way home."

Being a gentleman, I left the shed door open for her, the shed on her plot was burned down a couple of years ago, if you remember.

I was soaked to the skin by the time I got home. No-one about, of course, Mandy was probably at some coffee morning, or heading to a lunch date with another set of old biddies. As I ran a hot bath in the en suite and stuffed my wet clothes in the washing basket, I thought what a dope I was, I could have been coming back any time over these past couple of years, as she was almost always out and about with her pals.

Perhaps if I sneaked a look at her tablet to find out her movements I could sneak back for a snooze any time I liked. I may not be too bright, but when I get a good idea, it's a really bloody good one.

I was about to sort out my pyjamas and set my alarm clock for three hour's time, which would give me a couple of hours down the pub before cycling back in time for tea, when I heard the front door open and the sound of voices downstairs. Damn! Caught out the very first morning I sneak home. I never get an even break, do I?

I held my breath as they hung up their damp coats, it was still pouring down outside. Hopefully, I thought, they will got into the kitchen for a cuppa, or the sitting room for a chin-wag. Damn! They were coming up the stairs!

I didn't have a stitch on. I couldn't go into the en suite, Mandy would be bound to use it if she'd been drinking coffee all morning. The wardrobes were out, those doors always made a noise that she would hear, and they had been shopping and she probably had new clothes to hang up.

The only hiding place, and it was a very tight fit, was under the bed. I scooted under there, hoping she wouldn't spend ages trying on whatever clothing she had bought and go out again fairly sharpish.

I thought I had a good chance of getting away with it, of she didn't see me. My bike was in the shed behind the garage, she never went in there; my clothes in the wash basket, my wet towel drying off on the heated rail. Fingers crossed, I thought.

I couldn't actually see her or who she was with because the hessian lining under our old bed sagged all around me. I could hear her though, gigging as she came into the room, kicking their shoes off and the rustling of clothing coming off. Then she jumped on the bed and started bouncing about, squealing like she was really happy. Next or Marks must've had a sale on, I thought.

Then I thought I could hear kissing. Damn! I thought, they must've both scored well in the sales and were happy as sand monkeys and doing the old mwaw-mwaw that women do for some unknown reason. I might even get lucky tonight if she was in a good mood, I thought, that's if I can remember how to do it, it's been so long since.

There was fifteen years between us, so with me in my mid-sixties, she would be in her late forties or early fifties, I was jammed in under that bed so tight, especially with those two ladies on the bed, that I couldn't see my fingers so I could work out the ages. Anyway, she used to turn me down so often, probably because she was going through the change and was no longer interested, that I didn't even bother to ask her for nookie any more.

They were bouncing around so much, with Mandy squealing like a new-born piglet rooting out a sow's nipple. The other woman had a really deep voice I thought. The bed springs were by then making so much bloody racket I could hardly hear myself think. It reminded me a little of when Mandy and I used to make love, only it went on a hell of a lot longer than that. Damn! Just thinking about sex gave me an erection, and I hardly ever got them nowadays. It was poking up into that hessian lining, with the bed bouncing up and down, I actually came all over it.

The bed stopped moving so wildly for a while, just a bit of fidgeting going on. No doubt Mandy and friend had stopped getting excited unwrapping their purchases and had started putting them on. One of them ran into the en suite.

Yeah, I thought, too much coffee, mind you that nettle tea has the same effect on me, good job I keep a couple of milk bottles in the potting shed for emergencies, don't want to wee outside and frighten the old girls that get down there.

I heard the toilet flush, then a run and jump on the bed and then that bloody bouncing started all over again. Damn! I got a bloody erection again. Twice in one day, must be a record for the decade, I thought. I wished they'd finish being so excited, they were probably trying on each others clothes now and it sounded like they were breathlessly wrestling each other. Damn! That thought only made my erection even harder. That was bloody exhausting. I must've dozed off for a while.

It was my alarm going off that woke me. I was stiff as a board, all of me, my dick had never been so bloody hard. I turned off the alarm. The room was empty, the new clothes put away and the shopping bags no doubt recycled, even the bed remade. The sheets smelt of fabric softener and it wasn't even washday Friday.

I checked the en suite, bloody good job I did, I'd only gone and left the seat up, a dead bloody giveaway that I had sneaked home during the day! The house sounded quiet. I dressed quickly and crept down the stairs. The house was empty and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had gotten away with it. Phew!

The only thing was, I still had this massive stiffie that refused to go down. What was I going to do with that?

I had been hoping that Mandy would be in a good mood when we were both together that evening and be prepared for a little loving, but the way she had tidied away her shopping, even down to hiding the shopping bags, probably meant she had overspent her budget and was more than a little ashamed of herself. That would put paid to any nookie. I couldn't mention anything about it cos then she would know I was at home. I was in a lose-lose situation.

Then I remembered Maddy. It suddenly occurred to me that she had been coming onto me at least a little, and I've heard them rumours about Widders before. Now, an older man married to a young and attractive wife, who in fact was very fit, and I mean fit in every sense, doesn't mess around with other ladies. I never had. But I was in the mood, I thought Maddy was too, and what goes on in the potting shed stays in the potting shed.

I put my coat on and pulled the bike out of the garden shed.

Maddy's car was still in the car park at the allotments, that was good. My potting shed door was shut when I reached it. Not surprising, really, it had stopped raining but it was always cold in late February. I was hot and sweaty, mind, from the cycling.

I yanked the door open and perched on my old armchair was Maddy, bouncing up and down on ... he peered around her, it was a considerable stretch for a short fella, Old Arnold from about five or six plots over. Damn! How could she? She was supposed to be my bitch! And Old Arnold, as well, I mean, he was old, really old, old enough to be my ... older brother. Damn! I shut that door again and cycled up the pub.

Over a pint of Directors bitter I sat in the White Swan and thought about the day. I had had three erections, in fact the damn thing was still half hard under the oak table. And I had come once too. For the first time in my life, all right, the first time since I married my second wife, I had actually thought about banging that fat Widder.

Damn! Mandy had encouraged me to write, I had the tablet, the handy dictionary was in my haversack and I had a pint of giggle juice in front of me. I could do this, I could write something based on this experience.

***

"-the fair-haired beauty lowered her creamy-white alabaster smooth thighs over Roger's rampant extension, feeling his swollen latex-clad tumescence smoothly penetrate her succulent innocence, fulfilling her wildest dreams in one delicious stroke-"

"Solly, what is it you are reading out loud?" Mandy gasped, her breathing heavy, her cheeks burning scarlet with a flush of excitement. She brushed a non-existent hair from her temple.

"I was just readin' it off the last paragraph of the romantic tale I was trying to writing today."

"Solly, just for a moment there, you know, I was ... I was very ... wet ... down there."

"Where?"

"You know ..." she looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. A soft look.

Damn! She hadn't looked at me like that in a long road. O damnation! I looked down at the front of my trousers, wow, a fourth erection today, that hasn't happened for ages either, in fact it never ever bloody happened before.

I looked up, she was looking down.

"Wow, that hasn't happened for ages," she said.

"Sure ain't," I had to agree.

She looked at me with a kinda smirk on her chops, sorry, her mouth. I must remind myself, I'm a proper writer now, as of today. Haven't had her smile at me like that in a long while.

"So," she said, huskily, holding out a hand and taking the tablet, dropping it on the table, while holding my other hand in hers, pulling me towards her, "When were you going to continue writing like that?"

I didn't even have to think about what to do next, it's what I do best.

"Think I'll leave the writing until tomorrow!"

THE END