One in Ten Ch. 02

"I'm glad to see you're responding," Aniqua noticed my growing erection. Sometimes I wished I could castrate myself. I was about to reply to the tall, athletic black woman when I noticed her nipples poking through her tight, light white tank top and red sports bra. Not good.

"I'm definitely heterosexual, Aniqua," I explained. "Please remember it is an automatic response, not a plea for companionship."

"I understand," she sighed. "Oh, can I hug you? Kuiko said you want to be asked." That was not precisely what I said, but okay. I'd take what restraint I could on any woman's part.

"I'm ready," I said after a moment steeling myself. Aniqua stepped up, put her hands on my hips then pressed her body firmly against mine.

She then rested her head on my shoulder, her breath tickling my neck. I took a deep breath, exhaled then reached around and returned the hug. I rested my right hand at the small of her back along her waistband and my left right below her bra strap and squeezed. Aniqua virtually purred and rubbed her body against mine.

"Hey!" Kuiko squawked from down the hall. "What are you doing?" I tried to back up but Aniqua wasn't letting go easily. My heart was starting to hammer through my chest. I was regretting this whole scheme to use Kuiko as cover while working out.

"I asked permission," Aniqua mumbled through my shoulder.

"Fine, you hugged him," Kuiko stormed up. "Now let him go."

"I don't wanna," Aniqua mumbled. "He's the first man I've smelled in five months. I'm getting desperate enough to start hanging around the men's room during my breaks." I knew she was joking - okay, I hoped she was joking - but that was damn creepy.

"Don't make me get a broom and wedge him free from you," Kuiko threatened.

"Fine - fine, I'll back off," Aniqua did as promised. "Israel, feel free to come by at any time," then, "Wait! Do you need me to come along as well?"

"No," I replied assertively. "Kuiko will do." Aniqua pouted as Kuiko slipped passed.

Only as my young Asian companion hobbled down the walkway, putting on one shoe at a time, did I get to take in what she was, or wasn't, wearing. Crop top - no bra - and shorts that weren't quite a bikini, but close - no underwear lines. Some days I feel I should wear a full-body condom, except no one makes condoms anymore. It is counter-reproductive.

"You look - nice," I commented.

"I was in a hurry," she smiled shyly. "I threw on the first things I could find."

"Really?" I questioned. She looked away and blushed.

"No," she confessed. "I'm so sorry, but..." she looked at me, clearly embarrassed. "Do you want me to go back home?"

"No," I said after some thought. "But I want you to know you are forgoing your hug."

"Damn it!" she snapped her fingers. She was succeeding at looking adorable. Unfortunately for her, things that aroused me also scared me. This was the flipside of my life. Women trying to control me physically or verbally caused a fear reaction.

Looking at a woman and feeling aroused made me feel ashamed. During my rapes I had ejaculated again and again. I told myself if I could stop getting erections it would end. After the first time, my counselor explained to me that this wasn't true. I was drugged. I couldn't help myself. The body responds a certain way to stimuli, etc., etc.

Knowing rationally that it wasn't my fault didn't make the guilt go away. The diabolic bonus to this was the lust/rage reaction I had to arousal. Sex had been used to render me powerless. There was this deep urge to recapture that sense of control by taking my shame and anger out on a woman. Luckily for me, and the female population on campus, the second time around I had coping mechanisms.

I could focus on the woman before me and repress flashbacks interposing the faces of my attackers on them. My motivation wasn't to save their lives - altruism doesn't keep you going. I did it because the alternative was institutionalization; I was struggling to survive. I couldn't make Kuiko understand this.

Every instinct told her to look sexy. Society reinforced that. Those clothes she was almost wearing weren't handmade after all. I doubted she body sculpted herself so intensely solely to enjoy the view in the mirror and the accolades of her peers. Had she understood the emotional hell-storm I was going through I doubt she would have been trying to be so cute and enticing.

Again, I had to concentrate and accept that this wasn't her fault. Kuiko was giving me space and running interference with the few other women around the gym. I was able to control myself and after a few minutes slipped into a neutral mental state as my mind turned inward. It let me shed some of the accumulated stress of the day.

"What's it like?" Kuiko asked gently as we headed back to her place.

"What?" I responded cautiously.

"Being so alone," she looked up at me. "I have a dozen girl-pals I can talk to about - stuff, but you don't really have anyone, do you?"

"Do you mean do I ever have guys I get together with and talk to?" I sought clarification.

"Yes, do you?" she answered.

"We don't talk about it, Kuiko," I sighed. "Sure guys can talk over all sorts of nebulas shit on-line or over the phone."

"Real stuff?" I looked back. "No. It could be used against us. It is horrifyingly easy to be accused of being an MRA terrorist. If a man sounds dissatisfied, he could be put under surveillance or picked up, so we don't talk," I lied. I couldn't divulge to any woman the furtive communications guys had.

"But you went off at your place," Kuiko pointed out.

"Didn't I sound crazy?" I suggested. Kuiko was clearly searching for the least hurtful words.

"A little. You made sense, but you were...stressed," she smiled weakly. "I have to admit I've never thought about what one of my dates has gone through before hooking up with me." The follow-up question was uncomfortably awkward but socially required.

"Ever had an attachment before?" I mumbled. I really didn't want to know.

"No," she groaned. "I suck at sex - I mean, I'm not very good at sex." I so - God - didn't want to go there. I was still trying to figure out if she was lying to me when she added. "I'm almost jealous of your Bethany. She may be a total bitch, but at least she must have known what she was doing to keep you around."

"You could visit a professional," I suggested. I meant a male or female prostitute.

"Do you know how much one of those costs?" she wailed. "I can't afford it."

"A female one has to be cheaper," I said hopefully.

"I don't need to suck another dildo," she sniffled. "Trust me. That does NOT teach you how to give a blowjob."

O-kay. Yet another piece of worldly knowledge I didn't need to know. My dilemma boiled down to what would I sacrifice to stay alive and free? Could I use Kuiko as human shielding without any reciprocity? That would make me as bad as them.

"Kuiko, if I ever - ever - get over my problems, I could help you with that," I muttered.

"I - oh, I'm not asking you to," she sputtered.

"That's why I'm offering," I replied. "If you were pressuring me, I would be incapable of speech."

"In that case, thank you," she beamed happiness. "Can I hug you?"

"I think we discussed how your clothing precludes that," I gently teased.

"But these shorts make my butt look nice, don't they?" she presented her rearview.

"That being one of the problems," I verified. She pouted then grinned. At least she didn't roll up her tiny top and show me her nipples. That would have been retched. As it was, she behaved. I dropped her off before getting back to my place and preparing for my date with Bethany.