One More Time Ch. 09

"I do love you and pretty sure you love me. So what is the big mysterious problem then? It seems to me all we are doing is deciding to make this semi-official between the two of us. It's not as if we are picking out china patterns or planning a honeymoon."

Jeremy inhaled a full breath, rolled his eyes, and expelled a long sigh as if he was deciding to go on with the discussion or not. Finally he rolled to his side and used his arm to pull me to him. "Brad, I do love you. Don't ever question that! I think I could end up being head-over-heels, crazy IN love with you in fact. But that takes some time and I have one big fear of investing that time to end up only losing you." Suddenly there was a look in his eyes of a doe caught in a hunter's rifle sights.

I stroked the back of my hand across his cheek. "You wouldn't lose me, Jeremy," I promised quickly.

"Are you 100% positive about that, Brad? Nothing at all that you can think of, that would possibly change your feelings down the road?" There was just enough of a pause for me to start to reply, when he put his finger to my lips. He inhaled deeply again before adding "Nothing to come back from the past to screw up what we would have built?"

I was beyond confused at that point. "Of course not Jeremy. What would there possibly be? You know my past...what little of it there is...and that's exactly what it is...the past."

"Is it? Is it really, Brad?" The way he said it was almost a challenge and it made the hair the back of my neck stand up.

"Spit it the fuck out Jeremy," I demanded as I pulled away from his embrace. "No more of this ridiculous dancing around. What are you so afraid of with me?" I knew deep in my soul the words that were coming, but they still hit me like a ton of bricks.

"You aren't over him, Brad. I am scared you never will be."

"Who?" I regurgitated out without taking time to think how much I didn't want that question answered. I immediately wished I could have taken back the question. The last thing I wanted right then was to be reminded of Derek.

"Do you really want me to say it, Brad? Really? I think you need to hear it, but I want you prepared for it too."

'If you are worried about the guy from high school, don't be! It is over, Jeremy. It's been over. Way over!" My blustering assertion had the wind taken completely out of it's sails with just a few words.

"You're over Derek? I don't think so."

It was said so bluntly and so matter-of-factly that I know my mouth dropped open and my eyes bugged out of their sockets. The one thing I had never expected was hearing his name from Jeremy. I had always been so cautious and never once had slipped. I was certain of that. There was no way he knew, but yet he had nailed it dead on. Ever Derek's eternal protector, I stammered out with "W-w-w-hat do you mean 'Derek'? He is married and straight!" Once again, I immediately wished I hadn't said it knowing that I was now trapped. Jeremy could move into more cross examination and I wouldn't hold up under the questions. But instead of the expected interrogation I had opened myself up to, only two simple statements came from him.

"He might be married, but he isn't straight. Trust me." The way he said it, negated any need for him to reiterate that he knew Derek had been my single, long-lasting fling.

My mind was now a giant mess as I tried to sort out what I was willing to say and whether I wanted to say anything at all. Jeremy just seemed to know that the exposing of my most closely guarded secret had hit me hard. In an attempt to be supportive, he wrapped up with me in a cuddle in what I assumed was his way of letting me know he was still there for me. I started to push him away, but realized he had done nothing to deserve rejection. All he had done was make me begin to deal with what I had so stubbornly refused to address on my own. When I began to let the tears flow, he laced out hands together and kissed my cheek softly. "How did you know it was him?" I blubbered.

"Let's just say it was pretty obvious from the way you looked at him and how you acted around him away from the store. Plus my gaydar went off with him within the first minute of him training me. I'm sorry for dropping that bomb, Brad, but I had to. I can learn to love you like I would need to, but I can't share you. And I can't help you fight a ghost that hasn't died yet. Right now, he still owns a big part of you and that is something I can't deal with as lovers. Fuck buddies, yes...but not as lovers."

I turned my wet face to him and asked "So what do we do now, Jeremy?"

"A lot of that depends on what you want to do, Brad. I think you need to do a lot of thinking and I will always be willing to talk with you when you feel comfortable enough to open up fully. I won't be able to be totally unbiased, but I will promise to try. Maybe we need some time apart too...not that I want that...it just may be best for us both." His fingers were tracing circles on my stomach and playing in my happy trail as he grinned at me and tacked on "Maybe take a few weeks and then find a happy middle road we can both live with if nothing else."

"I need you Jeremy," I stated as I hugged him. "We aren't breaking up before we even get together as a couple are we?" I tried to grin as I said that.

His hands began to rub my shoulders. "Of course not, baby. This was just one of those ugly discussions that needed to happen between two friends that have gone further than maybe they should have. We will talk more as you work your way out of the wilderness of emotions you have been lost in." He leaned in and kissed me with reserved passion and his hands moved down my back as I allowed him to fold me into his grasp.

As I relinquished myself to him, my cock responded all on it's own and was suddenly hard again. A quick glance down and I saw that Jeremy's was erect too and snaking up through his abundant pubes towards his abs. I took it tenderly in my hand as if it was the first time I had ever touched him and tugged on it. "Jeremy..." I cautiously began, "...will you please make love to me so I know we are OK. Well, at least as OK as we can be for right now."

"Of course I will, Brad," came with a large sincere smile. For the next half hour, Jeremy held and caressed me; licked and kissed me; stroked me to near orgasm; and then finally entered me slowly. Once he was buried to the hilt, he leaned over to kiss me yet again and whispered in an affectionate voice I had never heard him use before. "I do love you, Brad." It was the last words we shared while he made love to me as he never had before...kneeling between my legs he held them spread wide and taking long slow thrusts. The whole time we gazed into each other's eyes wordlessly; allowing them to say what we didn't need to. The feelings in my nether regions were so intense I didn't even bother touching myself, but rather let Jeremy's tenderness and skill take me over the edge and we came at the same time. After glow was one of shared silence that just seemed to be appropriate for the moment. He permitted me to spoon back into him, and in short order we were both sleeping away the rest of the night with him holding me.

When I awoke late the next morning, Jeremy was gone and I found a note stuck to the front off the fridge. 'Let's take that time we talked about last night-call me in four weeks,' was all it said. I didn't feel any sense of loss because I just knew he would see me again when I called. I just didn't like thinking of what all would most likely be going through my mind during that time. The biggest fear I had was that I was now in a position of having to choose between the two guys that meant the most me...one supposedly unattainable and one I wasn't certain I could love as deeply. At least the new job and the start of summer classes would keep me very busy, so I wouldn't have that much time to brood about things.

Little did I know what additional drama was set to take center stage.