One Night in Seattle - Closure

I wrote this as an entry for the 'One night in XXX' event, but I realized it doesn't fit the guidelines, so I'm posting it separately.

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There wasn't anything unusual about that evening. I'd stayed late at work, struggling with a coding problem. Truthfully, I'm a better designer than coder, but that doesn't mean I didn't have to solve problems like this one. The fact that the Geoduck engineers hadn't involved our team when they designed their interface to our code was par for the course. The fact that our libraries were designed to provide services to five different products didn't make any difference to them. As a core tech group, they were our customers, so of course they were right, even if the results were going hamper performance. Worst of all, it would be our fault, since they could instrument around our code to demonstrate where the slow down occurred. The fact that we had to add a whole layer to do the work all the other teams did in their own code wouldn't matter. I guess it was really a way for them to meet their deadlines by using us to do a big chunk of the work.

Geoduck was version 6 of their product. It had become a bit of a cash cow, and management was pressuring them to deliver a quality upgrade to maintain the revenue stream, but also to do it for fewer engineering dollars. The reality was we were building a whole intermediate library to bridge the gap between their code and the functionality all the other teams used quite happily.

Anyway, I stayed late enough that I missed my usual boat, and the next two. I'd called home and told Kathy I was going to be late. Of course she wasn't happy as this had happened a lot lately. I'd missed the last boat that was met by a bus, so it was either beg for her to come pick me up, or arrange a cab home. Forcing her to schlep the boys to the ferry terminal that late was a bad idea which wouldn't be popular, so I didn't even ask.

The good news is that I had a build which seemed to get the job done. I'd submitted the code and waited for the Geoduck build to complete with no errors, yay! The next couple days would involve stepping through execution of my test cases. Hopefully, by the end of the week I'd get QA to torture test it. Of course it would need performance tweaks, but I could sense that the worst part was over.

So I packed up my laptop bag, having downloaded all the emails I'd ignored for the last few days and headed for the ferry terminal. I would spend the ride home tonight and back to work tomorrow responding to the ones I had to, and deleting the rest.

The bad news was that I was in the 'ferry gap' — missed the 8:40 boat and the next wasn't until 10:25. The good news was that there are a number of restaurant/bars on the waterfront to either side of the terminal. Better still, there was a basement martini bar about three minutes' walk away, and I felt like celebrating my accomplishment.

I was sipping my second Lemon Drop after practically inhaling the first when I looked around. It was a weeknight, and the place was only moderately busy. A few small groups at the bar near me, but no one crowding me. Maybe half the tables were occupied. A few couples, two tables of women in business attire, a few singles. My eyes wandered back to the two tables of ladies; so sue me, I'm married not dead. One was a booth with five young, reasonably attractive ladies who were having a pretty good time. They weren't being annoying, just a bit boisterous. There was one lady sitting with her back to me who had very long, silky black hair, which has always been a thing for me. I might have been perusing her a bit too long, as the lady across from her caught my eye with a "Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer?" expression.

Busted. I looked away, right at a lady at the other table. Her expression made me think she had seen the silent by-play ... at first. I gave her what I hoped was an apologetic smile and looked away. But then, I got a weird sensation and looked back at her. She was still looking right at me, staring really. Suddenly it hit me I knew her. In fact I knew her very well, even though it had been close to twenty years. Karen! My first ... well, my first everything. First serious girlfriend, first lover, first heartbreak.

Actually the only reason I hadn't recognized her was that I hadn't seen her in so long, and that running into her was totally unexpected, since she had moved to the Mid-West before she married. Somewhere in Ohio then a Chicago suburb, then back to Ohio, where I think she still lived. She looked the same. I'm sure she looked older, but the dim light of the bar stripped that away, and she was the same girl I had last seen eighteen years ago.

I looked down, gulped the rest of my drink and signaled the barkeep for another, which I normally wouldn't have had.

Then I looked back at her. She was still looking right at me but her expression had softened to something I couldn't quite decipher. Somewhere between "Nice to see you again" and "I've missed you".

I kept up with her folks occasionally, so I knew she had three kids. I knew that she was divorced, his fault, and it had crushed her. Of all the positives which could describe her character, loyal and steadfast topped the list. Having her life partner cheat on her and then leave her for some pregnant gold-digger had to be the most painful thing she could experience, short of something tragic happening to her kids.

I smiled at her, and it was weird. It was like we had this whole telepathic exchange.

I told her I was married, pretty happily.

I mean we loved the island we lived on, and it was a great place to raise the kids. Kathy was a bit burned out on the whole stay-at-home mom thing, and that took its toll. But as a software engineer I made about four times what Kathy could make as a Learning Specialist in the schools. The good news was that the kids were in school except for our youngest, and he would start Kindergarten next year. Then she could go back to work doing something she loved. Better still, my options were fully vested, and I planned to cash out and find something to do on the island. It wasn't drop dead money, but if we didn't go nuts, or split it in half in a divorce, between her salary and benefits and what we had saved, I could climb off the treadmill.

She told me that she was soldiering on, but it was hard.

I knew she'd had her kids much earlier than we did, and the oldest was in high school now. She'd gone back to work, first with a vet's office, and then at a marine park — taking care of Orcas if you believe it. Actually, I'm sure she was in town for that. There are several resident pods of Orcas in Puget Sound, and there are numerous organizations around the area which study everything about them. She'd always loved animals — wanted to be a vet in fact. But getting into Veterinary School is like ten times as hard as Med School, and her 3.85 GPA was just 'middle of the pack', and she was up against 4.0s who had thousands of hours of experience working with animals. Still that failure was heart-breaking for her.

It was heart-breaking for me too. I mean, I loved her, really loved her. Not just lust, or puppy love, or high school love. We'd gone to the same high school, and dated some, but it wasn't serious then. But we ended up going to the same university, and our relationship deepened over time. We were study buddies, and we went skiing together during our freshman winter break. A little wine, a massage, some making out in the hot tub, and it started. Over the next year and a half we went from dating, to boy/girlfriend to lovers to potential life partners.

But then ... junior year. She was taking the pre-med courses. Weed-out courses like Genetics and Organic Chemistry, while I was thinking Law School, taking Poly Sci and Econ and History/Government. Suddenly we weren't study buddies anymore. As her courses over-whelmed her she less and less time for me. There wasn't another guy, which I suppose would have been worse, but I could feel her leaving me. It was killing me. I tried to be supportive and understanding ... but it was killing me.

There were some ugly moments, but I loved her, so I mostly held it in. Junior year Spring Break was great. She'd survived O-Chem, and was ready to kick back. So we did, went to Lake Havasu, drank a bit, rode ATVs, hung out on a houseboat, re-connected. Or so I thought. But then I blew it. We were back at school, first week of Spring Quarter. I brought up next years housing, and wondered if she wanted to get a place together. Turns out she didn't. She'd been living with three other girls who were all pre-med. Two were graduating, so I thought it would be a good time to move in together. I knew she wanted Vet School real bad, which in California meant UC Davis. I wasn't going there, even if I did Law School. So it's not like we were gonna graduate and get married. But I thought a year living together would be great.

Like I said, she didn't. She talked about rooming with her study buddy, and said I'd be too much of a distraction. I didn't take that well, Things got a bit heated, and she said stuff about me being needy and clingy. I guess she was right, but it hurt, and I called her cold and withdrawn, and in the heat of the moment I might have called her an unfeeling bitch. Shit!

We didn't talk for a couple weeks, and then I crawled back and begged her to forgive me. OK, so maybe I was a needy, clingy wimp. But I loved her. I wanted to spend my life with her. I could see us in ten years, me with my law practice, her with her vet practice, living in a small rural town. She wanted to do large animal veterinary medicine, so someplace with farms or ranches. In ten years we'd be close to paying off our student debt and ready to think about kids. The problem was that I couldn't see how we could make it through the next four years. Not if I always came in second to her dream.

But it was that conversation that ended us. I hoped we could spend the summer together. I had a job at a law firm, and she'd been working part-time at a vet's office. Problem was, the law office was happy to have me full-time — I'd gotten good with computers, and they were trying to automate everything. My biggest problem was that they really needed three of me to do end-user training, tech support, end-user training, data conversion, end-user training...you get the idea. Meanwhile, the vet had three other students working for him, and Karen wasn't going to get more than ten or twelve hours a week. Sadly, Vet School admissions was a bit of a numbers game. She needed to get 400 hours over the summer, not the 100 she'd get there. I suggested she apply at other offices. Turns out she didn't need to. She had a full time job lined up in another Vet office ... in Ohio. Her grandmother lived near Cleveland, and a friend of the family was a vet and that was that.

I guess I lost it a bit. I'd hung on through a tough year, and was really looking forward to this summer, when she didn't have constant school pressure. Sure, she'd be working, and so would I. But she loved working with animals, and I mostly enjoyed my work, even if I did have to talk with lawyers every day. Most of the support staff were great, and most of the lawyers appreciated that I was patient with them when they fucked something up, which was literally an everyday occurrence.

So yeah, I thought we would have a great summer together which would help us get through our Senior year. Then we'd see how it went, and try to figure out what came next. Man plans, God laughs, right? Of course in this case it wasn't God laughing. It was my love, and the joke was on me.

Anyway, lots of angry words were spoken, especially by me when I learned that she'd planned this months ago. We called each other selfish, and 'bitch' and 'bastard' and 'asshole' flew around. Then it came out that she and Heather, her remaining roommate, were moving in with two other pre-med students who happened to be guys. Not that big a deal by itself, I had a female housemate this year, girlfriend of another housemate. But one of the guys, Pete, wanted to be more than housemates. She said it was no big deal, but for me, that was it. I was never gonna be first with her.

I stopped. I stopped talking. I stopped looking at her. I stopped believing in our future together. Of course I didn't stop loving her, but I knew it was over. So I got up and walked out. Didn't say a word. Didn't look at her. Didn't look back. Didn't cry ... then.

After that, I didn't talk to her. Hung up when she called a week later. Didn't say a word and closed the door in her face when she showed up. Turned around and walked out one day when I came home to her sitting on our couch, talking to my housemate. I was polite but emphatic with my housemate later when I came back, after Karen was gone. She apologized, but tried to get me to relent. I think she understood when I told her that it was just too much. In any case, I was adamant. I'd seen her and Pete around, and I could see that he was really into her. Why not, she was gorgeous, smart, funny, good-hearted, although a bit hard-hearted it seems.

Her folks came to visit, and we'd always gotten along, so I said yes when they asked me to go to dinner. When I got to the restaurant she was with them. I headed over, but stopped and was going to leave when she looked at me, then got up and left. I sat down and apologized. I told them it just hurt too much. Then I started fucking crying. I mean really! Right there in the fucking restaurant!

Anyway, I could tell her dad was embarrassed as hell, but her mom was great. She scooted next to me and hugged me. I calmed down and thanked her. Hank was still uncomfortable, but JoAnn was comforting, saying words which helped me deal.

Right then I had an epiphany. We were her parents. He was strong, silent, distant, while she was warm, giving, loving. I'd always wondered how she could be with him — sometimes she seemed sad, like she wasn't getting what she needed. And he generally acted annoyed when she would demand attention and affection.

In that moment I realized that I would have been doomed to a similar dynamic had I married Karen. No matter how nice the picture of our life seemed, I would always feel like I wasn't getting enough of her. And she would always feel I wanted more than she could give.

The crazy part was that they weren't here to talk about me and Karen. They wanted to talk about Karen and Pete. Seems they met him and weren't impressed. At one point JoAnn went to the ladies room and Hank asked if they were lovers. I told him I didn't know, and I wouldn't say even if I did. He didn't like that, but JoAnn came back and ended the discussion. The nicest part was at the end when JoAnn told me to keep in touch, and I could tell she meant it.

So I was done. Heart-broken but done. Senior year sucked. I graduated. Scrapped the law school idea and went to work at another law firm. Went back to school and studied Computer Science. Got a job at a software company that made legal software. Finished a Masters in CS. Got a job with a big software company. Worked some insane hours. Got promotions with more options. Met Kathy. Got married. Moved to the island. Commuted by ferry. Had kids.

Life was good. I never spoke to Karen again other than a couple polite hellos around campus senior year. I heard that she and Pete did get together, but apparently it didn't work. She actually changed housing after the Fall quarter. I never heard what happened. Maybe he needed more of her than her dream allowed. Whatever. Didn't matter to me at that point.

I hooked up with Michelle, who was a pre-med, but somehow had time for some life outside of that. I liked her a lot, maybe even loved her a little. But we both knew we had an expiration date. She was brilliant, and was going to be a star. She might end up at John Hopkins, or the Mayo Clinic or some such. Mind you, she wasn't Karen, obsessed with tilting at windmills. She made time for us, and she gave willingly and enthusiastically. She just wasn't anywhere near the point in her life where she could commit to a life partner. And that was fine with me right then. I was still grieving, so I couldn't have been the one for her anyway.

As I mentioned, I stayed in touch with JoAnn, so I knew Karen didn't get into vet school. I sent a graduation card expressing my condolences. She didn't send one. JoAnn told me later that Karen was hurt that I cut her off so completely, but that she, JoAnn, understood. After my 'epiphany', I suspect she really did.

Karen went back to Ohio and went back to work at the vet office. I guess there was a vet school she could apply to there once she established residency. But that didn't work out, so she stayed at the vet office, met Tom, got married, had kids, got divorced, moved to take the job at the marine park, stayed in Ohio.

And then, there she was. Looking at me from twenty feet away. As gorgeous as ever, looking at me with what had slowly morphed into a hopeful, sad, tentative, welcoming smile. Telepathy told me that she was glad to see me. Sorry she'd hurt me. Sad that her life had followed the road to where she was now. Hopeful that some of what we'd shared was still alive. Perhaps even ashamed of what a selfish bitch she'd been.

Telepathy told her I forgave her. That I wished her well. That I still loved her. That I was happily married. That what we had was dead and buried along with my other successes and failures through the years.

Then I paid my tab and got out of there. One last look back, this time. She was still looking at me. Telepathy spoke aloud in my head, "Goodbye, my love."

I cried on the walk to the terminal. I cried on the boat. But I'd finished, and washed my face, by the time we landed and got into the cab.

And when I walked in the door I grabbed Kathy and hugged and kissed her. As always, she gave herself to me, with her arms, with her lips, with her eyes.

"Wow, what brought that on?"

"I think I'm ready to cash out. You said last week that Dr. Anderson mentioned an opening. Why don't you call him and tell him you're interested. If I stay home with Scott you wouldn't have to wait until next year."

"Really, now?"

"Well, I should give 4 weeks notice. That would give Nicole time to get up to speed as team lead, and time to back-fill her position. Plus, I got Geoduck working with our code today, so it's not like I'd be leaving them hanging. If I leave soon, Andy won't have time to suck me into something new. Really, none of the other teams are anywhere near needing us to dive in, so it's as good a time as any."

"Sounds great, but I'm surprised. You've always said 'someday soon', but also 'not yet'."

"Well, I guess I'm burnt out. Geoduck always made me feel like I was being used and abused. Andy was sympathetic, but there's a bit of 'Just man up' thrown in. I guess I'm just done."

She looked at me for a minute. "There's something else though, isn't there." It wasn't a question.

Damn, I guess telepathy works at home as well.

I tried, "The kids are getting older. I want to be there. I want to coach baseball and teach them fishing, and go on vacations that are more than just time for me to de-stress."

"And?"

Long pause.

"I saw Karen. I stopped for a drink on the way to the boat, and she was there with some other ladies."

"And?"

Damn! Not 'Karen, what was she doing in Seattle?' Not 'How is she?' Not 'What did you talk about?'

Just 'And?' Meaning 'Bare your soul to me.'

So I did.

I love my wife. I love my kids. I love my life.