One Rainy Afternoon

"No! That's the thing, I didn't," she laughed.

"I made sure I closed my side of the cupboard door so it was dark and, well, I guess they were too involved in what they were doing to notice anyway. My brother was sat at his desk which I couldn't see, and he just kept laughing. He wasn't... you know, doing anything himself which was good because that would have been, well, a bit awkward with him being my brother..."

She paused, again, shifting slightly on the bed beside me.

"And it meant I was there, looking at two boys, in real life. It was strange. I really didn't fancy either of them, like, at all. And neither of them had... well, they didn't have one which looked as nice as yours does..."

She looked appreciatively at my crotch. I smiled. I was mystified as to why she might find my junk particularly attractive, but I wasn't going to complain.

"But I still found myself really excited and... well, turned on," she continued. "The thought of watching them, secretly, for some reason it got me, like, super hot. I knew I couldn't do anything in the cupboard in case they heard me, so I watched until they'd both... you know, finished, which didn't take long..."

I smiled. I'd had a couple of group-whacking sessions with some of my friends in my youth, all gathered round watching some grainy VHS tape in my mate Martin's front room when his parents were out. Something about the illicit excitement always used to make us finish quick.

"...and then went back in my room and... well, brought myself off really, really quickly," she said.

I watched her nipples harden as she remembered that feeling. She looked up and blushed again. "I knew it was wrong, Mr Baines, but I couldn't help it... just like today."

"I don't think you did anything any other normal, curious, teenage girl wouldn't have done in the same situation," I said, reassuringly. I was talking about back then, of course, not what had happened today. That definitely wasn't normal. Not that I was complaining.

"Yeah, but that's the thing Mr Baines. It wasn't just the once."

My face probably did show some surprise at that.

"Tom and Liam, well, they came round a few more times after that and... it seemed to be a regular thing now to get this girl on chat and... do stuff in front of her. Josh never got involved - he just seemed to think it was all a big joke. The girl was from their year at uni as well - Ashley something I think she was called - and she never really, you know, did anything from what I could tell. But the two boys did. And each time I'd sneak in to see them from the cupboard."

"It all stopped when Josh started going out with this girl called Briony. He'd had a few girlfriends before but not, like, serious or anything. But with Briony it was definitely serious and he started seeing her a lot, and he came back from uni with her most weekends. Liam and Tom, well they still came round now and again, but they went back to playing games and stuff. There was no more messing about..."

Again, Jadie paused.

"Were you disappointed?" I asked, somewhat unnecessarily.

"Well, yeah, I was," she replied. "But... not for long."

There was still more to come, evidently.

She picked up the story again. "So, well, anyway I really liked Briony. She was beautiful; really glamorous but she wasn't a bitch with it. She seemed to know what she wanted and had no trouble getting it, yet she never had to be, well, nasty about it. I had no idea what she saw in my brother, but I used to enjoy it when she came round. She made me laugh."

Jadie smiled, as she remembered. "And of course, then, well it had to happen I suppose. Josh and her started... you know, getting up to things in his room. And, I know this is really wrong because he was my brother, but I still couldn't resist sneaking into the cupboard and taking a peek. Most of the time I couldn't see anything but I could hear them... doing stuff... really quietly, because Mum was usually downstairs."

"Then they got to, like, actual sex after a while which meant they were on the bed and, well, that meant a good view from the cupboard. Obviously I didn't want to look at Josh, so I just ended up looking at Briony. I was fascinated with her body. I felt so fat looking at her; she was slim and lithe and it looked like she really enjoyed herself."

"It seemed like a lot different from the... porn stuff I'd seen. Briony really seemed to like it and seemed to be in charge as well. She didn't seem to be faking it or anything. She always went 'on top'. Josh would lie back on his bed and she'd mount him and ride him, all the time trying to be quiet."

I didn't know Briony, but my mind was conjuring up some rather appealing visions. My erection wasn't going to disappear anytime soon, that was for sure.

Jadie carried on. "I started taking more and more risks in the cupboard, when I was watching. Most times now I'd have my hand in my knickers; I couldn't wait. And I started to think maybe I was a bit, well, lesbian because I found Briony so sexy. I'd started a bit of a crush on her, I guess. It was all a bit confusing. But it was the thrill of watching which was really what got me going."

I was surprised at how... open Jadie was about her sexuality; her thoughts about this other girl. And I felt strangely honoured that she was sharing such intimate information with me.

"So, this went on for a few weeks I guess. And one evening, I was in the cupboard watching them as usual. Briony had her back to me, grinding herself away. She looked super hot as usual and I was really aroused. I had two fingers right up inside me, trying to pretend I was riding a... man, too."

Yeah, now that really was intimate information, I thought. No way was I Kiera's Dad to her, any more. I wasn't the only one who seemed to have forgotten... well, who we both were. She didn't seem to care any more than I did, though.

"And then the freakiest thing happened," Jadie said, frowning at the memory. "She... turned round, looked over her shoulder right at me, then winked and gave me a little wave with her hand."

"I nearly fell out of the cupboard back into my room. I had no idea how she knew I was there; I guess I'd just made too much noise or something. Anyway I was so completely embarrassed I couldn't even finish myself off. My heart was pounding and I kept waiting for the knock at the door, for her and Josh to come in and humiliate me."

She looked down at herself, remembering the shame. Yeah, I knew all about the shame of getting caught. I smiled encouragingly.

"But, they didn't," she said. "And I just stayed in my room all night until she'd gone home. Next time she came round I couldn't meet her eye. I was so scared that she'd say something to Josh, or worse, say something in front of Mum. I stayed downstairs when she and Josh went up to his room, praying that maybe Josh didn't know. And I waited until Josh had taken Briony home before I finally went up to my room that night."

She looked at me, again. I could tell another revelation was coming.

"And I found a wrapped box on my pillow with a note on it. It said, 'In case you need a little help for when you watch. Our little secret. Love, B' and in the box, there was this... well, it was a purple vibrator. You know, shaped just like a... Confused as hell, I quickly hid it away."

I smiled to myself, again, at her euphemism. It was so endearing; the contradiction between the content of her story and the strangely innocent way she talked about it. But I still wondered, once again, at the lives teenagers lived these days. Okay, Briony was probably nearer to twenty by then, rather than a teenager. But Jadie was just turned eighteen. And seriously? Buying a sex toy for her boyfriend's sister? I shook my head to myself. Crazy world we live in. Crazy.

Jadie wasn't finished yet, though.

"Next time Briony came round, she and Josh went off upstairs. Just as she went out of the room she looked back at me and winked, again. So I went upstairs and in the cupboard. It got me even hotter to know that Briony knew I was watching; she'd said it was our secret so Josh clearly didn't know. This time she rode him the other way, facing me, looking at me almost the whole time."

She looked at me, intensely. "Oh, Mr Baines... it felt so wrong looking at her but she just looked so... amazing. So sexy. The only part of my brother I could see was his... you know... thrusting into her whilst she used her fingers on herself as well. She'd trimmed her hair right back to a little strip and I couldn't stop looking as she brought herself off. She had to bite her hand when she started to come, to stop herself crying out. That was so hot. Really hot. I definitely thought I was going lesbian, watching her then."

"I didn't use the toy in the cupboard; my fingers were enough. But when I went back into my bedroom and lay on my bed, thinking about Briony riding my brother, I really wanted to know what that felt like."

I looked at her askance, at that.

"No, I don't mean my brother!" she said, realising what she'd just implied.

I laughed.

"I mean... you know, what it would feel like to have something... inside me other than just my fingers. So I got Briony's present out and tried to get it... you know, up there."

She frowned again. "It wasn't huge at all but it still felt really big. I kneeled up on the bed and tried to lower myself onto it, like Briony had. It hurt. A lot."

She looked down. "I remember thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me, you know, inside, because I couldn't imagine how that could ever be something you could enjoy. But, well, I'd read enough about it all on the internet to know that it was supposed to hurt at first, so I just kind of kept on going."

"It still hurt, and I couldn't really get it in very far, so I stopped and just... well, I turned the vibrator function on and used that on my... you know... usual bits."

I smiled again. She had such a cute way of describing this stuff. It made her sound even younger than she was.

"But after that night I kept going back and trying again to get it inside me. I sort of learned how to relax it all a bit and after a few goes, I managed it and it started to... you know, it felt really nice. I used to kneel up and rock myself on it, pretending I was riding a man and feeling myself all over until I... got off."

I was incredibly aroused, listening to her describe her first experiences of penetration. I was also pretty disgusted at myself for being aroused. This afternoon was revealing a lot about me that I didn't really like; that I clearly still had baser instincts which were capable of over-riding any sense of morality; that I could lay here listening to a naked eighteen-year old beauty telling me about her recent first sexual experiences and find the process arousing. But that disgust, I also realised, was already a lot less intense than what I'd been feeling earlier in the afternoon. I was further down the slippery slope already.

"Josh and Briony split up almost straight after that night. I was really disappointed. Josh went out with a few other girls, but he started to stay away at uni more and when he was home he never went into his room with them. And that's when I realised that Briony must have told him about me, and that was probably why they split up. He's never said anything to me, thank God. I'd die of shame if he did..."

She looked up again.

"Anyway. I guess that's where the whole liking to watch thing really took hold."

"And what about... well, the boys you've been out with. Were they... into that?" I asked.

She looked uncomfortable. I remembered what she'd said earlier about them being idiots and realised that I'd taken the conversation in an unwanted direction. But she carried on anyway.

"God no," she replied. "I mean, I'd known for a long time that... you know... boys were actually interested in me. But all the way through school, pretty much, even though I was, like, super-curious about everything I never really went out with anyone properly. Until... well, more recently. I did actually go out with a few..."

She paused, looking embarrassed, before continuing.

"Well, more than a few, actually."

She looked down, as if ashamed. I remembered Kiera a little while previously, talking about Jadie's sudden interest in the opposite sex and apparently endless string of boyfriends. I smiled at her.

"Hey, it's normal to go out with lots of people when you're a teenager. I certainly did, before Katie..." That was a bit of an exaggeration, to be honest. But, well, it might make her feel better.

"Yeah, but this was... different. It was more than that. It was like I was trying to be someone else..."

She shifted uncomfortably. "You know, Kiera and me and Becky and, well, I suppose the others we still hang round with now; we'd always been, like, the geeky girls. We always did our homework, we never messed about in class and... we weren't exactly popular."

I knew this to be the case. I'd always tried to bring Kiera up to understand the importance of education. I knew Keith and Sarah had done the same with Jadie, as had I, with all the time she'd spent with Kiera and me over the years. And I'd had a lot of conversations with the girls about the sacrifices this involved when it came to being 'cool' at school.

I'd been aware that in many ways their academic success had come at a price; for a long time they'd been way behind their peers when it came to... experience with the opposite sex. I also knew that in recent months they'd been doing a bit of catching up in this respect.

"I knew I was, like, pretty clever. And I'd always been, I don't know, sort of proud of that I suppose. But then I just sort of... changed. I wanted to be... I don't know. Liked, I suppose. Popular," she said, making air-quotes.

"And... well, I kind of realised then that having a boyfriend makes all the difference. Well, having the right boyfriend. Like, one who all the popular girls think is hot."

"I'm really... embarrassed about it now. But the first boy I went out with - Will, his name was - well, I only really went out with him because he was hot and everyone liked him and I just wanted to... prove something. You know, like he was a status symbol or something. And... it worked!"

She shook her head to herself. "I know it's really sad but I liked the attention, Mr Baines. I liked having the cliquey girls talking to me all of a sudden, asking me what he was like and what we'd done together and all that stuff. It was like I'd been allowed in to their little world for the first time and it felt good."

She frowned again. "God, I was so... shallow. Pathetic really. And it didn't last, of course," she continued. "Because... well, I found that I didn't actually like him at all. It felt like he just seemed to think I should be... I don't know, grateful or something that I was going out with him."

She laughed sadly to herself, looking up at me; "The sad thing is, I think I actually was grateful... but I just didn't like being reminded of that. And... when we got to... you know, doing stuff, I really didn't like it at all. He just didn't seem to care about what I wanted at all. It was all about him."

"So I finished with him, and he said a load of bad stuff about me and... well, I should have learned from that. But I still had this thing about wanting to be popular, and there was this really fit lad called Steven who absolutely everyone fancied, and I'd seen him looking at me in the corridors and stuff so I asked him out and he said yes and... well, I was about the most popular girl in the sixth-form right then."

"I'd go round with him at lunchtime and... the attention I got was unreal. Again, I liked it all at first but when it got a bit more serious with him; it was just the same as with Will. He just didn't seem interested in me; he'd get his hands into my knickers and fumble around and that was about as much pleasure as I'd get from him. I tried getting him to... you know... play for me but he just said I was weird; even when I did it for him... he just wanted to take pictures of me so he could show his mates afterwards..."

My face must have registered shock at this, as she quickly followed up;

"Don't worry, I never let him - I'd learned that from Bella, at least..."

I was relieved at that, but there was more to come.

"He finished with me when he realised I wasn't going to... do it with him."

I smiled inwardly at her quaintly old-fashioned expression.

"But I'd got this thing by then... I don't know, it was almost like an addiction. I needed to be popular. So I went out with, well, a whole string of those sorts of boys. You know - the ones everyone liked."

"I mean they were hot. I did fancy them, and I did really want to... do stuff with them. But they were all so... horrible, Mr Baines."

She shuddered involuntarily. "They squeezed me all over and said I was fat and then when I wouldn't let them... you know, go all the way, they called me stuff like a prick teasing bitch... And when they realised I wasn't going to actually... do it with them, well then it just seemed like they wanted to put their dick in my mouth so they could tell their mates they got a blowjob. And... well, if I let them do that then it was just nasty and if I didn't... well usually they'd just tell everyone I was a fat whore and just go and make stuff up about what they did with me anyway."

I was shocked at her sudden abandonment of euphemism; the directness of her language just seemed to emphasise how... savage the experience had been for her.

I couldn't believe that any self-respecting boy could treat such a stunning girl so badly. Maybe all that stuff you read about porn having a bad influence on kids these days was truer than I'd thought. I had a sudden shocking thought that Kiera would probably have had similar experiences which she'd never have shared with me. I'd always said she could tell me anything... but this sort of stuff wasn't the sort of thing you talked about with your Dad.

I reached over and stroked Jadie's face gently again. She brightened a little at my touch, evidently pushing those darker thoughts away.

"I couldn't understand if I was doing something wrong, or just unlucky, or maybe this was just what... you know, boys were like. I know some of the other popular girls had... well, the same sort of experiences as I did. Even the girls who claimed they were all like, in love, and stuff - when they talked about the sorts of... well, the things they did, or... had to do I guess, it just seemed like... well, I guess they weren't as, I don't know, bothered as I was about how they were treated. Kinda like they just expected it, you know?"

"And I think then, it just kind of dawned on me that I didn't actually want to be like them and, I don't know, I just kind of... grew up a bit, I suppose. Started acting more like my age and not like some fourteen-year-old. And I went back to hanging round with my real friends and stopped worrying about being popular."

She shuffled a little next to me.

"I was still interested in boys, of course. So I went out with a few others; except now I was looking for the ones who weren't like, really hot and on everyone's list and everything because I kind of knew what they'd be like. So I went out with some of the quieter ones. Even a couple of properly geeky boys who I actually really liked; they were clever and interested in a lot of the same stuff as I was. And it was funny because now they were, like, the grateful ones and not me. But..."