One Slip: A Hard Fall

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Joesephus
Joesephus
810 Followers

Now more voice were calling and pleading. Steve looked at the light and he looked at the darkness. The light was harsh and unyielding, painful. The darkness still seemed more comfortable, soothing. There were no problems in the darkness. But his children were in the light and he opened his eyes.

Donna:

Donna was aware of her mother's voice, gossiping, "Steve's going to make it, he finally came around, they were able put in three stints to open up the LAD. Did you know that it was 100% blocked and he didn't even know it? That artery carries almost half the blood to the heart. The doctors call that spot 'the widow maker.' The doctor said it wasn't unusual, at least in very active men who work out, for capillaries to form around a blockage as his did, but he was a heart attack waiting to happen. Who would have known? He's only 42, has low cholesterol, not even a pound overweight, no indicators at all, just bad genes. It was the Grace of God that there was someone there when he collapsed. Their CPR kept him alive until they could do something for him here.

I've already told you, I don't know the whole story, just that Donna collapsed when she got here and that she and Steve are having some sort of fight. Steve's parents have the kids, I'll be going over there to see them as soon as her sedative wears off and I can ask Donna a few questions. There's nothing wrong with her, she just fainted like some heroine in a silent movie. Since she was in a hospital, they treated like hysteria and doped her up. Trying to avoid lawsuits no doubt. Look I've got to go, she's starting to stir."

"Donna, Donna are you awake?"

Donna wondered if she could fool her mother, she didn't think she could face her right now. If hearing that Steve was okay exhilarated her, full understanding of her situation terrified her. She wondered if there were any way that she could wait until after she'd talked to Steve to let her mother know about her... it wasn't an affair, it was just stupidity.

"Donna, you've never cried in your sleep, so I know you're awake. I know the whole story, this is going to have to be handled very carefully or you're going to lose your marriage. You're going to have to take charge of Steve before he can lock you out of his life. You don't have much time. They're going to have him out of recovery soon and you need to be there when he comes down off the drugs."

Donna held her arms out like she had when she was very little and her mother held her as she had then. Her mother's strength helped as it always had and when she thought she could control her voice she said, "Momma, I know I've messed up, but this shouldn't be the end of the world!" Tears of self-pity formed and rolled down her cheek.

Dropping seamlessly into her accustomed role, her mother said, "Donna, you weren't raised to be a simpering ninny. We taught you to stand on you own two feet and face the world head on. You've never backed down in the face of trouble and I'm not going to see you do it now."

The words werenot softened by the tone. There was anger and disappointment in her voice, and Donna took a deep breath. Running away would be so much easier, but her mother was right, she couldn't. Even if she could somehow leave her children, she couldn't leave Steve. She might as well try to leave her skeleton! No, she had a backbone and now was the time to use it... except how, how did you fight when you were so fully in the wrong?

"Do you know why you cheated?"

Donna's head snapped back so hard and the pain was so sharp that for an instant Donna thought her mother had slapped her.

Donna sighed again, but this one was different, this was the sound you make when you've decided something unpleasant can't be put off any longer. "I didn't really cheat, I mean... I don't know, I never intended to, it was almost like I wasn't there."

Thunder clouds formed on her mother's brow and lightning flashed in her eyes. "Donna Elizabeth Truman Bellows, don't you ever say anything like that to Steve! It's the same thing as saying you'll do it again when conditions are right. You damn well do know why you did it and you'd better be able to tell him why and why it will never happen again!"

Her mother's face became implacable, "You need to look Steve in the eye and say you didn't enjoy it. That Gil wasn't a better lover too! But most important you have to make him believe he can trust you again!"

Donna was shocked, her mother had never spoken like this. They'd talked about sex of course, but it had always been a subtle thing. Her mother's bluntness forced her respond in kind. "It was exciting, and flattering that Gil wanted me so badly. He was so passionate that I felt special, needed. His penis is smaller than Steve, and I felt accomplished an old goal when I could take all of him in my mouth. I wanted him, but once he started, he wasn't very good. It was like my mind was enjoying it but my body stopped responded. He came very quickly, and when he did he was done. It was mentally exciting but it wasn't very good sex. I felt so guilty when I got home, I wanted Steve more than I have in years, but I couldn't because I couldn't, and wouldn't give him sloppy seconds. I had decided never to do anything like that again before I ever got home."

Donna stopped to control her emotions but one sob slipped out, "Oh Momma, it didn't mean anything. I didn't mean for it to happen..."

Her mother's voice crackled, "I did mean something, it meant you didn't honor your marriage, your husband or your kids."

She felt a flash of resentment before the truth crashed in on her. She looked at her mother, "Did you ever-- slip?" her voice was soft but it was her mature voice, no longer the little girl.

Her mother's expression soften, her love evident. "No, there were times when it was a near thing, but no, and as far as I know your father never slipped either. That doesn't mean every thing I know about affairs I learned from those stupid women's magazines." You know people have always called me Dear Abby. Part of that is because I can keep secrets. You're going to benefit from that now, because I'm not going to have to go to court to see my grandchildren! But, be warned, if I have to choose between you and them it will be a very hard choice! So don't screw this up!"

"He hates me! He said he'd hurt me if he ever saw me or if I ever got around the kids." Donna wasn't crying now, just explaining the facts. The pain intensified. Oh God how the could she stand it? Using years of experience and discipline she managed to leash it, allowing her to function.

When her mother saw she was back in control she said, "Well that one's easy; Steve won't keep you from the children. He couldn't even if he wanted to, and you know he wouldn't. He just said the thing he knew would hurt you the most. You're lucky in a way that he's sick, that gives you a way back to him you might not have had."

"What are you talking about Momma?"

"Steve needs help, and you can tell him that you might have broken one part of your vows, but you will not let him force you to break any of the other parts. Look, he's mad and I don't know if either of us can understand how hurt he is. My experience tells me that you can't do anything about those emotions; you have to deal in facts. You broke his trust and you have to fix it. One of your best weapons is you marriage vows. Yes you broke part of them, but not all of them. You need to show that you still value you word as much as he does."

Suppressing the urge to cry, Donna tried to absorb what her mother was telling her. She ran the marriage vow through her head and realized that there was more than 'forsaking all others" in the vow, there was a part about "sickness and health" too.

Her mother continued, "You can't turn off love like a light switch, it dies like a fire without new fuel. All Steve could have done to this point is to have decided to stop feeding it. You've got until it dies to get him to change his mind. Now, I don't know what you were thinking when you brought those pictures to his office, Darlene showed them to me, but that was very dumb. You don't ever want your man to have those sorts of images of you. It can't be helped, but you can use it if you're very clever and very careful. A man reacts to visual images of his mate being 'claimed' by another. Someone did a study once on volume of sperm in a man's ejaculate. If it has been a long time since a man has seen his mate, like a long business trip his sperm volume is way up. No surprise there, except it doesn't matter if he jacks off the day before. Biologically he wants to claim his mate in case there have been claim jumpers. I think it's the same thing if a man sees his wife with another. Seeing her like that probably will make him very horny, at least for temporarily. Now listen carefully! Don't make the mistake of thinking that means he accepts it. Man isn't ruled by biology, and his logical mind generally tells him that it isn't worth the effort to stay with a mate he can't trust.

If he hadn't seen those pictures, you'd need to do everything in your power keep them from him. It's easier to forgive cheating if you haven't seen the images. Since it's too late for that as a last desperate measure you might be able to use the pictures to get him into your bed one more time. In some of them, probably toward the end you don't look as happy. If all looks lost you might use a couple of those to prove it wasn't great sex." Her mother fixed her with a penetrating stare, "If you get him back in your bed, you make damn sure he never wants to leave it!"

Donna's emotions were so jumbled it seemed impossible to sort them out. Steve was a very passionate man, something most people didn't know because he was also one of the most controlled people Donna had ever met. She knew he was more than capable of controlling a sexual urge for her.

With another sigh of determination this time, she asked, "How can I use sex momma, he's just had a heart attack for God's sake, even if he wants me, which I doubt, and even if he were somehow to lose control and want to take me, which would never happen, I couldn't let him risk his heart like that."

"One of the things they'll tell him is that sex with your wife isn't dangerous, but sex with someone new is, at least for a while. Now let me cover some quick dos and don'ts. Do tell him you love him, often. Do tell him you're sorry, but don't tell him constantly, it'll only remind him. Do have sex with him any way he wants you for a while. Don't let him hurt you sexually or any other way. It's tempting but it won't work in the long run. Let him try anything new as long as it doesn't break your vows. If you've never done anal let him, and let him know why!"

Donna was horrified, "Momma! Steve would never want to do that, and I just couldn't!"

Her mother gave her a knowing look and said, "Don't knock what you've never tried dear, with lube it can be a lot of fun, and a very special way to tell your man how much you love him. Don't make any offers like letting him cheat on you. It won't work and it will kill the marriage. Don't change from the person he loves. You can't keep him by being his slave or his doormat, he loved and wanted you and you have to give that person back to him, at least as best you can. This has changed you and you're going to have to live with it. Now, you're going to have to repent, and I don't just mean be sorry, you're going to have to try to make him whole after you've taken something precious from him."

"How can I do that Momma, everything I have is his, I've never held anything back."

Her mother's face softened, "Baby, I don't know, but I do know that in every marriage there are, places where neither got their way. You might start looking there. Not to be a doormat, Steve didn't marry a doormat. You'll just have to find a way to make it up to him. Now, I want you to picture a goal, I'm going to give you a mental image and I want you to really think about what you want. I want you to picture Steven in a nice hotel room, a large suite he's laying on the bed. He's all alone, can you see him?"

Donna's mother had always taught lessons this way and Donna couldn't help but let the picture form in her mind. "Yes, I can see him." It took an effort not to cry at the pain of seeing her husband without her built in her mind's eye.

"Okay," her mother continued their never forgotten game, "I want you to see him the way he was the last time he was panting for you. No, make that the look he had just before the best sex of your life. Can you see him; see the hunger in his eyes?"

Donna knew where her mother was going now, this was the goal she needed, what it would look like when she got Steve back. This was the image she'd need to keep fresh as they worked through their problems. "Yes Momma, I see him, I've got the picture, I know that..."

Her mother interrupted, "Now see a tight-bodied twenty something mount him, it's their wedding night and she's starving for him too!"

The image flashed before Donna could stop it! She actually saw another woman, a younger woman with a better body, a tighter body, one that had never given birth mount Steve, right in front of her and she screamed, "MOMMA! Steve would never do that!"

Her mother brought her face down inches from Donnas horror struck eyes, "You feel that flash of pain, well thanks to your pictures Steven doesn't have to imagine that, he can see your passion for another man any time he wants. Statically, that scene with Steve is going to happen. What's worse that young thing will do her best to steal him from your children so that her children have a full-time father. Your goal is to make sure that doesn't happen."

Donna felt a new and different kind of pain welling up. With all that she'd been through, she still hadn't understood the pain she'd inflicted on Steve. The pain that would continue to grow as he saw real images of her over and over again. As he felt the pain of actual not imaginary betrayal. "Oh Momma, I never would have..."

Again, her mother cut her off, "Baby, you can't say that, you did and in your heart you knew how much this would hurt. You fucked his best friend, and the husband of one of your best friends. You have to get it through your head just how evil this thing you've done is. But, I trust you, you don't always look before you leap, that's the source of some of your courage, but you do analyze it later. I know you're going to dwell on this until you get it right, because that's the way you are."

"Now, some of that will have to wait, I've brought your war-paint and one of your better outfits. You're going to clean yourself up while I get you checked out of here. Then you're going to march yourself up to ICU and sit by your husband until he wakes up. You're going to look Bill in the eye and tell him that if you have to get security you will, because you promised sickness and health and you're not going to break that vow. That'll make him spew on you, and you'll look him in the eye when he does. Don't back down! Get to your husband's side and stay there until he has the strength to kick you out, if he does."

Donna swallowed hard; did she have the courage to face Bill and Darlene? She took a deep breath,'Unless I die, I'm going to have to face them sooner or later, and Momma's right I promised to take care of him in sickness and I'm going to keep my vow!'

As Donna worked on her make-up in the harsh florescent light in the tiny bathroom she tried to conjure what she'd felt in those few seconds she'd pictured Steve with another woman. Because of her mother's skill, she could imagine the pain she'd caused and she could feel the tiniest foreshadowing of the pain she would feel if she lost Steve. What she'd felt when she thought he might have died was really self pity, but the idea of Steve with someone else, having children, cutting her out of his life was no longer unimaginable.'Oh God, please help me, I couldn't stand that and Momma right about the children.' Donna had seen it among several of their friends. Even in the cases where the wife didn't try to punish her ex by withholding the kids, it was so very difficult to keep a dad involved if he re-married and had a new family. The cases it had worked best was when the father got custody... Donna pulled herself erect, could she give up her kids if it was for their best interest?

After a few minutes, an eternity later, Donna had made a decision. She stood straight and threw her shoulders back, and looked her reflection in the eye, 'I'm not going to let it come to that. Steve loves me, and he needs me as much as I need him, I'll just have to win this for his sake as much as mine.'

As she was finishing cleaning up, her mother re-appeared with her cloths and cosmetics. Her mother had always referred to cosmetics as 'war-paint' a term that had always embarrassed Donna, but this time it fit her mood. Her mother left saying, she was going to see the kids, and make sure that no one told them tales they shouldn't hear.

When she finish, Donna gave a sigh that was close to snort and walked out of her room. It was only when she saw a big clock outside the ICU that she realized that it was 3:00 AM. She'd known it was dark but she'd had no idea of the time. She quailed and almost retreated, a cowardly voice saying she should wait for daylight before any confrontation. Almost, but she never broke her stride. She didn't see Bill, but Darlene was there. When she saw Donna she jumped to her feet and stood, arms and legs akimbo, attempting to block her.

Donna stopped in front of her and said, "Darlene, you're one of my best friends. If you want to side with Steve, I wont have hard feelings, but you need to wait to see if there are going toBE sides. I made the worst mistake of my life. There are reasons, and one was that I was way too drunk and I wasn't prepared for my husband's best friend to take advantage of me. I'm not making any excuses, but we've talked before about the temptations we've both faced. I pray you never find yourself where I am today, but if you do; I know I won't try to stand in the way of you trying to fight for your marriage. My soul mate is in there, and in my weakness and eternal shame, I wasn't with him when he might have died. He won't have to kick hard if he wants to kick me out for what I've done, but I'm not going to leave his side until he's strong enough to kick me as hard as I deserve!"

As Donna set her jaw, she saw Darlene searching her face before looking deeply into her eyes. Seeing a half nod, Donna knew that she won even before Darlene said, "Donna, you know I love you, how could you let this happen?"

Donna took a deep breath, "I don't know if I can put it into words yet, I will, but the first person to hear that will be Steve. I need to share, and if you're willing, I'll be oh so grateful if you'll listen, but I don't want to practice it first. Steve deserves to hear this raw if he wants. After, or if he doesn't want to hear, you'll be the first I promise."

Darlene's expression softened, "He still loves you, you know. He went over there to protect you from Gil's blackmail not to kill him for what you and he did. He told Mike to 'lose' the tape and pictures of you. He could have used that in a divorce, but I don't think the thought ever crossed his mind. Donna, he's my boss. If you break up, I'll stick with him. But if you're going to fight for him, I'm on your side. Despite what you saw with Bill this afternoon, he'll be on your side too. Things were just moving too fast. We weren't thinking clearly. I'm sorry for what I thought Donna. When you collapsed I was sure that... I knew that what you did was some sort of fluke. Then Mike came by and talked to us. He said that Gil, faced with all those tapes, and his lawyer saying he didn't have a chance of excluding them, has been singing like a bird. Your name hasn't come up officially. It seems your tape seems to have been lost. Mike said he was sure that yours was a one-time fling. He also said you're the reason this is all going down. All I ask that you pay real close attention to the medical stuff in there, if you're... well remember he's still kind of delicate and if starts getting worked up again it..."

Joesephus
Joesephus
810 Followers